Friday, March 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump’s budget proposal will kill all funding to PBS, NPR and the National Endowment of the Arts. But then who needs art when Trump Tower is decorated ground to penthouse with black velvet paintings and gold plated mirrors?

Donald Trump’s budget proposal will kill all funding to PBS, NPR and the National Endowment of the Arts. The budget also calls for a $54 Billion increase in military spending, which means Big Bird’s official status will be “decommissioned.”

Donald Trump’s budget proposal will kill all funding to PBS, NPR and the National Endowment of the Arts. The President hates public broadcasting ever since someone pointed out that Big Bird and Trump basically have the same haircut.

A Google expert says humans will be sexier, stronger and smarter by 2029 when our brains fuse with machines. The first sign is the rumor that IBM’s Watson is secretly dating Kate Upton.

Former Donald Trump aide Roger Stone claims he is the target of a “deep state” assassination plot. Which can only mean one thing. He is using the same publicist as Richard Simmons.

A survey says applications to U.S. colleges by foreign students is down because of the fear of deportation. Which is good news for domestic students who are benefiting from the grading curve being lowered.

Radio host Michael Save was reportedly assaulted at a restaurant, and is pushing hate crime charges against his attacker. And who knows more about the concept of hate than Michael Savage?

A hamburger sold at a charity auction in Dubai for $10,000. Which is actually the same cost for any burger sold at McDonald’s when the eventual medical bill expenses are figured in.

A report says a slightly higher percentage of U.S. voters took part in the election in 2016 than in 2012. Although Donald Trump says those numbers will shrink by 3 to 5 Million just as soon as he finishes building his border wall.

A report says a slightly higher percentage of U.S. voters took part in the election in 2016 than in 2012. Which is ironic in that fewer of them than ever before were the ones who ended up picking the winner.

Russia is seeking to declare the Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Apparently they made a big mistake by knocking on Vladimir Putin’s door on an early Saturday morning.

A New Zealand river is the first in the world to be granted the same rights as humans. Which is different than when Kim Kardashian is compared to a babbling brook.

The Weather Channel says it will name a winter storm next year “Colbert” for late night TV host Stephen Colbert. Since winter storms are extremely white and full of wind, they may also consider naming one for White House spokesman Sean Spicer.

Donald Trump’s budget could be bad news for low income college students as it will cut grant money. Which is not that big of a deal as anymore, today’s low income college graduates become tomorrow’s low income wage earners.

Health experts say the world is unprepared to handle a similar global crisis like the 2014 Ebola outbreak. Which is no surprise for the people who remember how badly the medical experts handled the 2014 Ebola outbreak.

Health experts say the world is unprepared to handle a similar global crisis like the 2014 Ebola outbreak. Which is no surprise when the U.S. government can’t even find a way to agree on a health care system.

Donald Trump says safety is the number one priority of his budget plan. Mainly the safety of the personal wealth of his rich friends from all the proposed tax cuts.

Chelsea Clinton will publish a children’s book called “She Persisted.” Which coincidentally is also the title for a new book about what went wrong with Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign.

A startup restaurant will use chicken strips made from animal cells without needing actual chickens. To which Taco Bell says that’s nothing new, they have been serving chicken without the use of actual chickens for years.

Donald Trump’s supporters are calling for a boycott of Hawaii following a judge there overturning Trump’s latest travel ban. That won’t have nearly the effect of the shutdown that would take place if his fans were called to boycott Branson, Missouri.

The former head of the NIH says cuts to the agency would be a “catastrophic event.” The good news is that it won’t be anywhere near as disastrous as President Trump’s proposed cuts to the EPA, HHS, Education, Labor, Diplomacy…

Amazon’s personal assistant Alexa will now be available through iPhones. Which means get ready for a cat fight right in your ear when you call for Alexa and the message is intercepted by Siri.

A report says angry Americans spent $6 Million on poster materials ahead of all the anti-Trump protests. When President Trump said he was going to create jobs, no one knew he was talking about Michael’s, Hobby Lobby and Staples.

A report says angry Americans spent $6 Million on poster materials ahead of all the anti-Trump protests. As opposed to pro-trump protesters who spent their money instead on pitchforks and torches.

A report says angry Americans spent $6 Million on poster materials ahead of all the anti-Trump protests. Pro-Trump protesters spent the same amount but the difference is they didn’t use any of that money to maybe buy a dictionary.

Donald Trump is calling for the privatization of the Air Traffic Control system. Which controllers say they will protest just as soon as they are done with their afternoon nap time.

Donald Trump is calling for the privatization of the Air Traffic Control system. Which means flying on a United jet and being guided in by a minimum wage controller will be more scary than riding an Amtrak train fitted with Takata airbags.

Russia’s anti-corruption czar says the cost of the average bribe there has jumped 75%. Mostly because if the Russian government is good enough to win a U.S. presidential election, they can pretty much charge as much as they want.

Russia’s anti-corruption czar says the cost of the average bribe there has jumped 75%. In fact, that information alone from the czar cost the Associated Press $500.

Russia’s anti-corruption czar says the cost of the average bribe there has jumped 75%. Which is no surprise coming from a country that feels the need to have an anti-corruption czar in the first place.

A study says people who are overweight in their 20s are at a higher risk for developing cancer later. As opposed to overweight teens who are more concerned whether they will even make it into their 20s.

A study says vibrating exercise may be as healthy as physical activity. When that news gets out, millions of women will find the last reason they needed to have a man around has just been replaced by their favorite sex toy.

A study says vibrating exercise may be as healthy as physical activity. Which means the only actual physical activity most women will ever need again is running to the store when they have run out of the batteries they keep in their nightstand.

A study says the shape of a person’s nose is determined not only by genetics but by the local climate of their ancestors. For instance, large nostrils for better inhaling come from areas where conditions were more favorable to growing the coca plant.

Iowa is suing a Colorado company that is marketing a “drinkable sunscreen.” The case will go to court just as soon as someone in Iowa actually ever gets a tan.

Cheerios has pulled its mascot Buzz the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios because of the plummeting world bee population. In a similar move, after the election of Donald Trump the world’s coffee growers have decided to suspend Juan Valdez.

Kendall Jenner says she was robbed of $200,000 in jewelry. Which is apparently her own way of keeping up with Kim Kardashian.

Kendall Jenner says she was robbed of $200,000 in jewelry. Fortunately, she doesn’t need to wear jewelry all that often as it is really only necessary as an accessory for the times when she is actually wearing some clothes.

Selena Gomez says she can “hardly wait for people to forget about me.” To which most people are saying right now they are still working on Justin Bieber.

Patrick Stewart says he uses marijuana spray, ointment and pills to deal with his arthritis. The worst part is that he uses those products to get his fingers loose enough to where he can roll some joints.

Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo says she had her brain tested to show she has a gift and that it actually goes blank. Which means not only can she speak with the dead, she may be able to communicate with all of the Kardashians.

Movie theaters are using playgrounds to lure families to the big screen. The only problem is after a large box of Milk Duds, refillable cup of Coke and two hours on the jungle gym, parents will be stuck with kids who won’t go to bed until 3:00 AM.

Movie theaters are using playgrounds to lure families to the big screen. The only problem is during movies about terrorists when people in the audience get the sudden urge to swing all the way across the monkey bars.

Demi Lovato is celebrating five years of being sober. Or as being 24 and having to give up alcohol and drugs at 19 is called in Hollywood, “Lightweight!”

A study says Snapchat is the first social media stop for most Millennials. Mostly because they are worried of who is on Myspace, their parents are on Facebook and they are scared to death by seeing what Donald Trump is sending out on Twitter.

A report says California’s Bay Area is tops in the nation when it comes to bidding wars on homes. Mostly because at that point what does it matter if to finish paying off your mortgage you need to live to be 120 or 130?

The Pentagon is asking workers to not watch March Madness at work as streaming eats up too much bandwidth. Which is scary to know that our nation’s security rests on a system that is run through AOL.

The Pentagon is asking workers to not watch March Madness at work as streaming eats up too much bandwidth. The worst part is when people can’t separate the two and the top picks on their brackets are Syria and Lebanon.

McDonald’s says its Twitter account was compromised after an anti-Trump tweet was sent out to 3 Million followers. The bigger question here is why are 3 Million people following McDonald’s on Twitter?

A report says Donald Trump’s proposed budget would fund his wall but slash spending on science and research. Mostly because we won’t have anyone who will be able to do science and research once we keep all the foreigners out anyway.

Donald Trump says he might not be President without Twitter. Mostly because before Twitter, the only outlet for people ranting insanely was standing on a soapbox on the street corner.

Senator Chris Van Hollen from Maryland says Donald Trump has lost his credibility. His constituents want an explanation of his comments. When did he ever think that Trump had any credibility in the first place?

Four Chinese nationals were caught trying to come across the border in the trunk of a car. The news was upsetting to authorities in Mexico. They are not happy with the idea of the Chinese stealing their technology.

Jill Stein says she is open for a bid to run for President again in 2020. People were surprised at the news. She ran in 2016?

Jill Stein says she is open for a bid to run for President again in 2020. Apparently she feels the dissatisfaction with President Trump could bring her double the votes she got in 2016, possibly tallying as many as fourteen.

The Florida Supreme Court has come up with a definition for “sexual intercourse” after two years and consulting three dictionaries. Fortunately, one of the judges finally went in and read the wall in a public restroom.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Friday is here, which means that these jokes will have to take you all the way through the weekend. Are you sure you can survive that? I hate to see anyone be deprived of their daily fix of poor attempts at humor. Don’t worry, the weekend will soon be over and you will be back to work and slogging through a Monday which will actually make this seem palatable. Of course, for me as usual all I ask for is that you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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