Thursday, March 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Ben Affleck revealed he went to the Oscars with a sober coach. Which is exactly what will happen next year with the Price Waterhouse accountant who gave Warren Beatty the wrong Best Picture envelope.

A report says scripted TV shows are confronting social issues like never before. Mostly because in the old days the biggest social problem for most people was watching too much television.

A report says scripted TV shows are confronting social issues like never before. As opposed to the old days when shows like “Happy Days” addressed problems like Richie having to deal with a pimple on prom night.

The Secret Service is keeping an eye on Snoop Dogg over a video that featured a mock shooting of Donald Trump. Which is ironic in that Snoop had just gotten the authorities to stop following him around when pot was finally legalized.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly “thinking” of a run for New York City Mayor. Mostly so she can hold a prominent office but still be in New York where she can keep an eye on Bill.

A study says for many, losing their smartphone is almost as stressful as a terror threat. Which means all the terrorists really need to do to win is disable or destroy all of our cellphone towers.

A study says for many, losing their smartphone is almost as stressful as a terror threat. Which means all the dropped calls and service disruptions should put the CEO of AT&T at the top of the Most Wanted Terrorists list.

Experts say that psychopathic CEOs are rife in Silicon Valley. The worst has to be Mark Zuckerberg who became a billionaire by turning the entire nation into a bunch of addicts who can’t go more than a few minutes without their social media.

Experts say that psychopathic CEOs are rife in Silicon Valley. Fortunately, as a nation we only have to deal with one who has taken over the White House.

The Department of Justice has charged Russian spies and hackers over the breach of Yahoo accounts in 2014. Which means in another few years they may finally get around to trying to figure out who is responsible for the election of Donald Trump.

A startup will be serving chicken strips cultivated from cells in a laboratory. It’s the restaurant where the customers who are there for the taste will prefer to be eating the Styrofoam takeout box.

A startup will be serving chicken strips cultivated from cells in a laboratory. Although there is something just a little less appetizing about a restaurant that instead of a grill prepares the meals with a test tube and Bunsen burner.

A robot is playing a leading role in a British stage production. We had that technology years ago. It’s called Keanu Reeves.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Chicago was diverted to Jacksonville when a soda was spilled in the cockpit. Southwest Airlines crews were surprised,  saying “They serve their pilots non-alcoholic drinks?”

Parents at a Florida school called Innovation Park Middle School want the name changed because of the acronym “IPMS.” They want the school name to have initials that are more generic, like “Florida Academy of Teachers And Superior Students.”

Police in Malaysia have used the DNA of a child of Kim Jong Nam to identify his body after he was assassinated at an airport. Or they could have considered he was the only one in the world with the same haircut of his half brother Kim Jong-un.

Saudi Arabia unveiled its first ever girls council, but didn’t allow any girls at the event. Which is like having a Mensa meeting and only inviting members of Congress.

Saudi Arabia unveiled its first ever girls council, but didn’t allow any girls at the event. Which is ironic in that the only thing in Saudi Arabia that will never be unveiled is the girls.

An official of the French National Front was suspended for denying the Holocaust. Which is understandable with some French in World War II who didn’t see everything that was going on because they were busy running in the other direction.

A picture of a man in war torn Syria listening to a record player has gone viral. Mostly because all the Americans under 40 are asking what is a record player?

A study says the world’s spiders eat the combined weight each year of 85 Million elephants each year. And everyone was blaming the dwindling numbers of pachyderms on African poachers.

A study says the world’s spiders eat the combined weight each year of 85 Million elephants each year. Which brings up the question as to just how strong are those webs they make?

A report says Wall Street bonuses rose 1% last year to an average of $138,000. With that now out of the way, we can all worry about less important issues like whether or not we should give those minimum wage workers a livable salary.

A survey says that Donald Trump’s supporters can’t get behind him pouring ketchup on a $54 steak. Not because of how it tastes, but they hate the idea that Trump is giving business to the heiress of the Heinz fortune who married John Kerry.

A survey says that Donald Trump’s supporters can’t get behind him pouring ketchup on a $54 steak. What they should be even more upset about is that Trump spends as much on one steak as most his supporters have to buy family groceries for a week.

Facebook has introduced a new feature called “Town Hall” to get users more involved in the political process. Which could cause some real problems, considering Facebook users can’t even be civil when it comes to commenting about what their friends are eating for breakfast.

A woman suffered burns on her face when her battery operated headphones caught fire on a flight to Australia. It was the worst case of being burned by headphones other than anyone paying money to listen to a Justin Bieber CD.

The FBI and NSA are set to testify over claims by Donald Trump that Trump Tower was wiretapped. Also expected to testify over the allegations are the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and the Man in the Moon.

Google is letting parents set up accounts for children as young as 13. Apparently kids are getting bored since the good old days when they could meet all kinds of new people through their account on Myspace.

The U.S. Women’s Ice Hockey Team is boycotting the World Championships to protest low pay. Although critics say the evidence is there that the women don’t play as hard as the men every time they smile and show they have some teeth left.

Some medical groups are saying climate change needs to be tackled to promote better health. The good news is that since we have gotten so fat, many people are doing their part to stop global warming by blotting out a large amount of sunlight.

A study says using over-the-counter pain medications can increase the risk of heart problems. Especially when people keep taking them because they are having a constant pain in their chest.

A study says too little sleep in preschool could mean behavior problems later in life. Especially when the lack of sleep comes from the 3 year olds spending too much time with their iPad, iPhone and Nintendo Switch.

A woman suffered a near fatal allergy reaction to latex at an Adele concert when balloons were released over the audience. Which is a word of caution to anyone allergic to eggs who is planning to go see Justin Bieber.

Ben Affleck has revealed he has gone through alcohol rehab and is vowing to live his life to the fullest. Which hopefully he can attain someday with his limited resources from being an A-List Hollywood movie star.

A poll says Americans are divided over the GOP’s health care plan. The country can’t seem to agree on anything. Remember when the only division that separated Americans was “Less Filling!” and “Tastes Great!”?

A study says the life expectancy around the world is expected to soar by 2030 except in the U.S. Mostly because the only thing going up exponentially in America is the size of our waistlines.

A study says the life expectancy around the world is expected to soar by 2030 except in the U.S. The only thing going up in leaps and bounds here is our weight, which has become a problem ever since we stopped leaping and bounding.

A study says wasted knee treatments are costing millions of dollars. Mostly because even after fixing up someone’s defective knees, they still have to keep carrying around all that excess weight every day.

Vogue has launched a version of its magazine in the Arab world. Although some people are complaining it is too racy as some of their models have been exposed all the way from the bridge of their nose to their eyebrows.

Former USC and Raiders quarterback Todd Marinovich pleaded guilty to charges of public nudity in Irvine, California. The case showed he hasn’t aged, maintaining his playing weight with the Raiders and mindset of being a fraternity member at USC.

Rory McIlroy says he wonders why it took Muirfield golf club so long to admit women as members. A better question is why are the men members still going out on the course in knickers and asking the caddie for a niblick and mashie?

NASCAR says it won’t penalize Kyle Busch or Joey Logano for an altercation during a race in Las Vegas. Apparently NASCAR is sticking to the organization’s bylaws which clearly state “What happens in ‘Vegas stays in ‘Vegas.”

NASCAR says it won’t penalize Kyle Busch or Joey Logano for an altercation during a race in Las Vegas. Busch is lucky. The usual result of picking a fight in ‘Vegas with someone named Joey Logano is ending up at the bottom of Lake Mead.

Tony Romo’s bonus from the Dallas Cowboys for taking seven snaps in 2016 is a whopping $64.11. That’s not even enough to take a family of four for a rib dinner at Tony Roma’s.

A Cincinnati restaurateur says he will give a free steak dinner to every undergraduate student at Northern Kentucky if their basketball team beats Kentucky, a value of $1 Million. That is what you call some high steaks gambling.

LaVar Ball’s home was reportedly burglarized while he was watching a basketball game featuring his two young sons. The thieves must have been looking for the Billion dollar shoe contract Ball is hallucinating someone is going to give to his kids.

A report says Silicon Valley executives returned optimistic from a meeting with Washington, D.C. lawmakers. Not from anything at the meeting, they are just optimistic about the fact they are billionaire tech executives.

The new FCC Chairman is promising broadband access for all Americans. Mostly on a directive from President Trump to make sure everyone gets to read his daily rants on Twitter.

The former CEO of Wells Fargo has cashed out $54.9 Million in stock options in the wake of the bank’s recent scandal. The only way to make good on that would be to deposit that money in all the phony accounts the bank created for its customers.

Senator Lindsey Graham says the GOP health care bill is “mortally wounded.” Which is ironic in that the only way it would be able to survive at this point is if it could still qualify for treatment under Obamacare.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you find today’s jokes to be somewhat funnier than normal (meaning somewhat funny), it’s because the blog has been taken over by Russian hackers. They also got my personal information which if they raid my bank account, 401(k) and investment portfolio could net them as much as $47.50. So while I now have some extra time to enjoy away from the computer screen, I still get my biggest rewards when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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