Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The University of Minnesota has dropped its homecoming king and queen and is going with more inclusive “genderless royals.” Just like in England.

The University of Minnesota has dropped its homecoming king and queen and is going with more inclusive “genderless royals.” Which brings up another question of isn’t picking homecoming royalty something most areas dropped in high school?

A European court has ruled that employees can ban workers from wearing burkas. Europeans should talk. When have burkas ever looked any more ridiculous than berets, lederhosen and wooden shoes?

The State Department is warning U.S. students about the dangers of spring break travel to Mexico. It’s not like any American students on spring break are in danger of drinking the water.

The State Department is warning U.S. students about the dangers of spring break travel to Mexico. The irony is that the kids going to Mexico are the ones who are too afraid of what may happen to them if they spend their break in Florida.

A study says parenthood is linked to a longer life. Although anyone with teenagers around the house will tell you it just seems longer.

A study says parenthood is linked to a longer life. Mostly the parents who are determined to live long enough to pay off their kids’ college debt and see them move out of the basement.

A poll says Donald Trump has a 46% approval rate. Pretty much just like he did in the November election.

A poll says Donald Trump has a 46% approval rate. The amazing part is that many people seem to show no concern about health care, the environment, the economy, race relations, labor issues…

A facial recognition app gives the ability to find people on Facebook using their picture. Up until now that was only possible by using a photo of what they liked to eat for breakfast.

A new gadget that covers the face is said to be able to keep public conversations private. Don’t we already have that technology? It’s called “whispering.”

A new gadget that covers the face is said to be able to keep public conversations private. Mostly because other people can’t hear what the person is saying because they are laughing so hard at how dumb they look.

A Japanese service offers fake friend photos to help customers look more popular on social media. Which may be awkward if you live in Iowa and people keep asking why all your friends are Asian.

A real estate developer in San Francisco wants to house the homeless with stackable “Micro-units.” Which would make them like pretty much everyone else in San Francisco.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly used the alias at ExxonMobil of “Wayne Tracker” when it came to e-mails about climate change. Apparently that won out over his second choice of “Globe L. Warming.”

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly used the alias at ExxonMobil of “Wayne Tracker” when it came to e-mails about climate change. Apparently his more imaginative first choice of “John Smith” had already been taken.

Muirfield golf club in Scotland has changed its rules to allow women as members. Which is good news for any woman who wants to spend a summer afternoon chasing a golf ball around when it is 50 degrees with rain and gale force winds.

Muirfield golf club in Scotland has changed its rules to allow women as members. Although no woman will ever actually join until they change the golf course snack shop menu to include something other than haggis.

A California school has banned the game “tag” after it reportedly became too rough. Apparently some of the kids changed the rules to where the person who is “It” could either touch another person or just shoot them in the leg.

A California school has banned the game “tag” after it reportedly became too rough. Also because the chancellor determined that maybe the students were a little too old to be doing that at Stanford.

A report says optimism of U.S. CEOs has seen the biggest increase since 2009. Although how optimistic do you have to be a CEO who makes $10 Million a year when things are good, and when they’re bad are fired and get another $40 Million?

Mark Zuckerberg says no one in the Facebook community wants fake information on the site. Although they might change their minds if it got them into a position where they see 1 Billion daily users giving them a net worth of $50 Billion.

Mark Zuckerberg says no one in the Facebook community wants fake information on the site. People would much rather be honest and post messages and pictures for the 5,000 friends they have whom they have never met.

American Airlines will reportedly start serving free meals on some economy flights. Mostly as a courtesy to fliers who have already paid $50 for their luggage, $12 for a blanket and $6 for a bottle of water.

American Airlines will reportedly start serving free meals on some economy flights. The fun part will be watching people try to cut their food with a knife and fork while trying to avoid elbowing the person in the seat crammed next to them in the ribs.

Researchers are using smartphones to study the effects of asthma. Mostly with the men who can’t breathe when they get a text message from their girlfriend while their wife is looking at the screen.

A poll says Chipotle is once again the favorite Mexican food chain. Apparently people like the authenticity of eating Mexican food and feeling the same as if they were in Mexico and finished their meal by drinking the water.

A study says loud noise may be the cause of “hidden hearing loss.” To which millions of those with diminished hearing said “What?”

A study says loud noise may be the cause of “hidden hearing loss.” What’s next, a study that tries to determine if staring at the Sun could hurt people’s eyesight?

Cheech Marin has written a new memoir. It will be based on his memories of his time back in the 1960s with Tommy Chong. Which is probably the reason why it only covers three pages.

Cheech Marin has written a new memoir. It will be based on his memories of his time back in the 1960s with Tommy Chong. It is different from other books in that it is written entirely on pages made from Zig-Zag wrappers and is bound with hemp.

Toby Keith says his performance at Donald Trump’s Inauguration made him “stronger.” He was worried his decision would be criticized but that wasn’t a problem since it was only seen by the three people in attendance.

A report says Americans will bet $10 Billion on March Madness, with only 3% of that legal. Although most businesses don’t mind the illegal activity as it keeps their workers away from Internet porn, online dating and posting all day on Facebook.

Donald Trump has reportedly picked NSA veteran Rob Joyce as the White House cyber czar. Which means he will basically spend his entire day trying to keep Trump from starting World War III with his Twitter account.

Donald Trump has reportedly picked NSA veteran Rob Joyce as the White House cyber czar. Which has caused some confusion as Trump says since he was the one picked by the Russians, shouldn’t he be the one called “Czar”?

The music group Hanson is celebrating their 25th anniversary with a world tour. They are marking the occasion by finally coming up with a follow up to “MMMBop.”

The music group Hanson is celebrating their 25th anniversary with a world tour. Which is quite a change from their first tour when they still weren’t allowed to cross the street by themselves.

A report says the spiders of the world eat 400-800 metric tons of insects each year. Which is no big deal, anyone can do the same thing eating all their meals at Taco Bell.

A report says the spiders of the world eat 400-800 metric tons of insects each year. Apparently they order them all on the world wide web.

A report says the spiders of the world eat 400-800 metric tons of insects each year. It’s almost as if they have eight hollow legs.

A survey says the car of the future will be driverless, shared and electric. Which is modeled on the perfect Uber vehicle which will be a hybrid Prius with no driver for CEO Travis Kalanick to attack.

Marissa Mayer’s successor as CEO of Yahoo is a man who will make twice her salary. Although to make it fair, when he is eventually fired he will only be given half her $23 Million severance and $57 Million in stock options.

A rumor says the new iPhone 8 will have a 3D touch sensor that could push the price over $1,000. Actually all the components together are worth $7.50. The other $992.50 comes from it being adorned with the Apple logo.

The DOJ won’t say how much the FBI paid to hack into the iPhone of the San Bernardino shooters. Mostly because the FBI is embarrassed it was just $10 and a new skateboard for the 10 year old who cracked it during his lunch recess.

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin wants humans to go to Mars. Although he says he isn’t quite up to the trip as at age 87 it’s a major adventure to wake up in the middle of the night and walk across the hall to the bathroom just to pee.

Google and Levi’s have developed a smart denim jacket that can control the music on a smartphone. If nothing else, it is the first time that “smart” and “denim jacket” have ever been used in the same sentence.

Germany’s government says it could fine Facebook and Twitter $53 Million for hate speech. If that’s the case, the U.S. national debt could double in a couple of years just from the tweets coming from President Trump.

Part of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return was leaked to the media. It shows Trump paid $38 Million in taxes on an income of $150 Million. Evidently the leak came from Trump who just wanted people to know he actually made $150 Million in a year.

Part of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return was leaked to the media. Which is good news to know that it only took the IRS 11 years to finally finish their audit.

Part of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return was leaked to the media. The strange part was that he sent the return in using the 1040 EZ filing form.

Part of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return was leaked to the media. The strangest part is that he bought a copy of TurboTax but actually only uses it to style his hair.

The White House commented on news programs that showed Donald Trump’s leaked tax returns, saying they were desperate to violate the law publishing returns more than a decade old. But not quite as desperate as taking a reality show that was tanking and trying to boost it by incorporating celebrities.

House Speaker Paul Ryan is dismissing a tape leaked by Breitbart where he bashes Donald Trump back in October as “ancient history.” Meaning that it doesn’t matter because no one remembers anything that happens before an election.

The Texas Senate approved a controversial bathroom bill after five hours of debate. The irony is after having to sit there for five hours, they would have used a bidet next to a urinal being used by Caitlyn Jenner.

Customs and Border Protection says it will consider “other designs” for the proposed border wall besides concrete. So far the top alternative choices are old tires, discarded Corona bottles and Chihuahua droppings.

A survey says concern over global warming is at a three decade high. Which is no surprise since most people until about 2014 thought climate change was just another reason for Al Gore to keep hanging around.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think I did a pretty good job today. Some good jokes in there. If you look around long enough, you may find them both. I think I really earned my day’s pay of the usual nothing. Although that isn’t entirely correct. I get my compensation and remuneration every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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