Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

HHS Secretary Tom Price says “nobody will be worse off financially” under the GOP health care proposal. Mostly because how much worse off can you be than already flat broke?

Donald Trump’s proposed budget is seeking a historic contraction of the federal workforce. He could really save some money if there was a way to replace Congress with just the three people it would take to do what they accomplish every term.

A report says the cold snap in the northeast could kill most of Washington, D.C.’s cherry blossoms. It’s just too bad they can’t be saved by moving them closer to the Senate chambers during a filibuster.

A study says that people tend to think they are nicer than they actually are. Which they might have been before they started spending their time telling everyone their opinions on Facebook and Twitter.

A New Orleans man says he was robbed by a woman posing as an Uber driver. He was just lucky he didn’t get a ride in a real Uber car being used by company CEO Travis Kalanick.

A New Orleans man says he was robbed by a woman posing as an Uber driver. The good news is she took less than he would have been charged for a ride by a real Uber driver.

A New Orleans man says he was robbed by a woman posing as an Uber driver. Although most people agree if the worst thing that happens to you in New Orleans is being robbed, it was a pretty good day.

China has made it illegal to insult “heroes and martyrs” of the Communist Party. To which the Trump White House is saying “You can do that?”

A report says sugar and salt content in foods are shrinking as consumers are looking for healthier choices. Mostly because there isn’t enough room for those ingredients because of the demand to keep adding more fat instead.

Scientists say that alcohol may help people recall events more clearly. Really? When is the last time anyone has seen a wino called to the stand as the star witness in a criminal trial?

Scientists say that alcohol may help people recall events more clearly. If that’s the case, why do all those men at bars constantly forget that they are married and have a family and they are working on losing half of everything they own?

A study says people are more likely to give out their social media information to someone they just met than their phone number. Mostly because young people have no idea that their smartphone can also be used to actually call people.

Police arrested a man for throwing eggs at Trump Tower in New York City. No one had any idea that Justin Bieber had moved to the Big Apple.

A report says the White House press corps sees conservative reporters in the briefing room as an “existential threat.” They should see it more of a threat that people are now actually getting most of their news from Facebook and Twitter.

The CBO says 24 Million people will lose health coverage under the GOP health care proposal by 2026. Which is amazing in the fact that only 20 Million people got insurance under the Obamacare they are trying to repeal.

The CBO says 24 Million people will lose health coverage under the GOP health care proposal by 2026. Which shows the Republican plan is telling people to live a healthy lifestyle and just manage to survive to age 65 to qualify for Medicare.

A report says the U.S. is way behind Sweden which is the world leader in traffic safety. To which U.S. drivers are saying if it involves a change to driving slower, sober and without a cellphone in their hand, that’s a chance they’ll have to take.

A retired agent says the Secret Service is not prepared for a multiple-man, tactical assault on the White House. Which was confirmed when agents kicked out a group from the Publishers Clearing House but only after they sold President Trump three magazine subscriptions.

A retired agent says the Secret Service is not prepared for a multiple-man, tactical assault on the White House. To which the Service says once they remember to lock the doors at night it’s pretty much out of their hands.

Reporters and the White House debated at a press briefing whether President Trump can be trusted. Remember the old days when the only think Donald Trump was picked on for was his hair?

Thousands of airline flights were canceled ahead of the fierce winter storm moving into the northeast. When United was asked about all its cancellations, their response was “There’s a storm?”

A mortuary in Tennessee has started a drive-thru funeral service for people who want to pay their respects from their cars. Which is ironic in that there wouldn’t be so many funerals if people didn’t spend so much time going through drive-thrus.

A mortuary in Tennessee has started a drive-thru funeral service for people who want to pay their respects from their cars. It has a popular feature where people can talk to the family lawyer through the speaker if they were left anything in the will.

A study says that the pay gap between men and women will disappear by the 23rd century. Mostly because the only pay gap by then will be the amount given to the robots that will have taken over all the jobs.

A study says that the pay gap between men and women will disappear by the 23rd century. Which coincidentally is just about the time most working people today will have saved up enough money to finally retire.

A poll says optimism among small business owners continues to soar. Mostly because the way the economy has been going since 2007, they are actually now able to compete against the big businesses.

One lawyer in a shareholder lawsuit against Sprint charged his clients for nearly 7,000 hours at a fee of $1.5 Million. Although it turns out Sprint got all of it back and then some after he went over his monthly data allotment.

Consumer credit scores will reportedly soon exclude tax liens and some debt. Mostly because anyone who has enough of an income to be able to get in debt and fall behind on their taxes is in better shape financially than everyone else.

First year doctors will soon be allowed to work 24 hours shifts in hospitals. That could be extended even more if the hospitals get their way and make it so there are 28 hours in each day.

First year doctors will soon be allowed to work 24 hours shifts in hospitals. Mostly by request so they have enough patients to charge to help them pay off their medical school bills before they are 60.

First year doctors will soon be allowed to work 24 hours shifts in hospitals. The good part for them is that with the Health Care replacement plan, it’s not like they are going to have any patients to look at while they are there anyway.

Donald Trump compared Obamacare to Barack Obama, saying the former President became more popular after he was gone. Although what he forgets is the reason Obama is more popular now is because of who followed him into the White House.

A study says fake weed is much riskier than smoking real pot. Especially when people find after they get high on the artificial stuff that they have a real craving for plastic pizza.

A study says cardiovascular deaths are linked to poor dieting choices. Which brought relief to many people who were glad for once it wasn’t being blamed on sitting on the couch all day playing video games.

A report says people who voted for Donald Trump will be hardest hit by the GOP health care replacement plan. Fortunately, they may not notice because of how they will be hit by what Trump is doing to the economy, environment and race relations.

Former star of “The Hills” Lo Bosworth says 2016 was a rough year because of bouts of anxiety and depression. Mostly from realizing the high point in her acting career was working on “The Hills.”

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott was caught on tape exposing a woman’s breast at a St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Apparently he thought the saying was “Erin go braless.”

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott was caught exposing a woman’s breast at a St. Patrick’s Day celebration Saturday. The question is how much were they all drinking as the holiday doesn’t even take place until this Friday.

Magician Criss Angel says poor eating and no sleep caused him to pass out while trying to escape from a strait jacket during a show in Las Vegas. It was the first time “straight” and “Las Vegas Magician” were ever used in the same sentence.

Magician Criss Angel says poor eating and no sleep caused him to pass out while trying to escape from a strait jacket during a show in Las Vegas. If that was true with poor eating and no sleep, there wouldn’t be anyone left conscious in the entire city.

LaVar Ball, father of UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball says he wants a $1 Billion shoe endorsement deal for all of his sons. Remember when the only money talked about with shoes was when you had a pair of penny loafers?

LaVar Ball, father of UCLA freshman Lonzo Ball says he wants a $1 Billion shoe endorsement deal for all of his sons. Which would amount to an equal trade if he ends up seeing all three of them go through UCLA on a scholarship.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer will get $23 Million in severance pay on her way out of the company. Even Alex Rodriguez is asking who was crazy enough to sign off on that kind of deal.

A study says lower income Americans are becoming more dependent on smartphones. Which is no surprise as the reason they are low income is because all their money goes each month to pay their Sprint bill.

A study says lower income Americans are becoming more dependent on smartphones. Ironically, they are low income because spending all their time staring at their phone caused them to lose their job, their wife and drive their car into a tree.

L.A. is testing gunshot sensors on street lights. Which really isn’t necessary since most people use their guns for target practice to take out street lights.

L.A. is testing gunshot sensors on street lights. If they really wanted to see where all the gunfire is coming from, they should install the sensors at all the rap concerts.

Newt Gingrich says the Congressional Budget Office is “corrupt” and “should be abolished.” Leave it to a former congressman to hate anything that has the word “budget” in its title.

Newt Gingrich says the Congressional Budget Office is “corrupt” and “should be abolished.” Unless it changes its findings on the Obamacare replacement plan, then it will be the greatest agency of all time.

The House has rescheduled a markup of the GOP health care bill because of the northeast winter storm. Which apparently isn’t the only reason that legislators are claiming they are getting cold feet.

The House has rescheduled a markup of the GOP health care bill because of the northeast winter storm. Although the weather won’t be nearly as cold as the bill when the Senate officially proclaims it DOA.

President Trump says he wants to hear from individuals and companies their complaints about Obamacare. Unfortunately for him, the number one complaint appears to be that people are mad the Republicans are taking it away from them.

HHS Secretary Tom Price says the CBO only considered a “portion” of the health care repeal in making their report. Which may be why they CBO says 24 Million people will lose health care because of it instead of bumping it up to 40 Million.

HHS Secretary Tom Price says the CBO only considered a “portion” of the health care repeal in making their report. Because just like with Obamacare, no one in Washington, D.C. bothers to read the entire text of anything.

Donald Trump says he will donate his $400,000 salary as President at the end of the year. He can’t accept it because he doesn’t want to break his string of 40 plus years of never actually having to pay any income tax.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The northeast U.S. is getting pounded by a strong winter storm. It hasn’t been so white anywhere in the U.S. since the last Donald Trump campaign rally. I hope you are all staying warm. And more importantly, I hope as usual you remember to keep on always sending the love!




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