Sunday, March 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The California DMV is allowing self-driving cars with no humans behind the wheel. Mostly because that is now the only way abusive Uber CEO Travis Kalanick will ever be able to get a ride using his own company.

A study says nearly 50 Million Twitter accounts are fake and run by bots. Although even that number combined still can’t get as much as a reaction as one early morning ranting tweet from Donald Trump.

A report says young Wall Street workers are turning to drugs and paying for sex to deal with the stress of their careers. As opposed to the past generations of Wall Streeters who used the more traditional three-martini lunch then had sex for free with their co-workers.

The California state bar has approved an ethics rule subjecting lawyers to discipline for having sex with their clients. People were surprised. A state bar is enforcing rules about ethics?

The California state bar has approved an ethics rule subjecting lawyers to discipline for having sex with their clients. Which is fine for the lawyers who are into S&M and like the idea of sex that includes being disciplined.

The California state bar has approved an ethics rule subjecting lawyers to discipline for having sex with their clients. That apparently doesn’t include what happens to their clients when they see how much they are being charged for legal fees.

An ISIS defector says the terrorist group kills anyone who argues with them. Which brings up the question as to who would be dumb enough to start an argument with a bunch of terrorists in the first place?

The U.N. says the world is facing its largest humanitarian crisis since 1945. To which Donald Trump says don’t blame him because he wasn’t born until 1946.

The U.N. says the world is facing its largest humanitarian crisis since 1945. People were confused. They aren’t sure if the U.N. is referring to the humanitarian crises caused by Donald Trump’s wall, his travel ban or his health care repeal.

Pope Francis I has signaled openness to allowing married men to serve as priests. Which would be no big deal to their wives since during the NFL season never see their husbands all day Sunday anyway.

Malaysian police have confirmed the man killed last month at an airport is the half brother of Korean leader Kim Jong-un. It took more than a month just to ID the victim? No wonder that Malaysian Airlines jet is still missing after three years.

Russia says their U.N. Ambassador who died suddenly and mysteriously had a heart attack. Which apparently was brought on by the bullet that was shot into his heart.

Basketball agent Dan Fegan was reportedly fired for undermining his company. Which is noteworthy, considering unethical and shady behavior usually results in an agent picking up a 10% commission.

Panera says its food now is free of man-made preservatives, sweeteners, colors and flavors. Which explains why they are also pretty much free of any customers.

Panera says its food now is free of man-made preservatives, sweeteners, colors and flavors. Which also goes for Chipotle, which has done away with those man-made ingredients and just relies on getting those results from natural bacteria.

Spain has reported a case of mad cow disease. Which is no surprise as you would be mad, too if you were placed into a ring with a bunch of Matadors who are trying to kill you.

The SEC has rejected an attempt by the Winklevoss twins to create a bitcoin exchange fund. Which means judging by past behavior, their next move will be to sue the Treasury Department for stealing their idea of the creation of currency.

Authorities want to permanently ban two former J.P. Morgan executives from the banking industry for trying to win business in China by giving plum jobs to the unqualified children of government officials. They should have done something less likely to be met with punishment, say like completely crashing the economy.

Authorities want to permanently ban two former J.P. Morgan executives from the banking industry for trying to win business in China by giving plum jobs to the unqualified children of government officials. For one thing, hiring unqualified children of top government officials is pretty much the business model of NBC.

A survey says two thirds of Millennials allow their emotions to cause them to overspend. The other one third overspend because they have no money left after trying to pay off their college loans with minimum wage salaries.

A survey says two thirds of Millennials allow their emotions to cause them to overspend. Mostly on therapy for the depression caused by living in their parents’ basement the past ten years.

Publishers say dystopian fiction is selling like there is no tomorrow. Mostly because after the November election so many people feel like there could be no tomorrow.

Publishers say dystopian fiction is selling like there is no tomorrow. Mostly because today’s fiction is looking more like tomorrow’s history.

Publishers say dystopian fiction is selling like there is no tomorrow. It turns out that George Orwell’s “1984” was right other than having the title be off by 33 years.

A poll says a majority of Americans feel that Donald Trump will make the country prosperous. Which is good to see that the President has something he wasn’t able to get on Election Day. A majority.

A poll says a majority of Americans feel that Donald Trump will make the country prosperous. The rest say they feel Donald Trump is more concerned as President with making Donald Trump more prosperous.

A poll says a majority of Americans feel that Donald Trump will make the country prosperous. Although many may have misunderstood the question and thought they were saying he would make the country preposterous.

A report says food delivery robots could change the face of industry. For one thing, having no delivery people will outdate half the plot lines in the porn movie business.

A lawsuit claims that 1,800 former NFL players say their teams gave them painkillers to help them play through injuries. Some were so heavily drugged, they still signed contracts to play with the Cleveland Browns.

Researchers say a four day work week could be hazardous to the health of workers. Mostly from working just as hard to get as many hours in at the jobs they have on the other three days of the week just to make ends meet.

Researchers say a four day work week could be hazardous to the health of workers. Mostly when their wives find out what they are doing with all that extra time off.

A study says hair loss drugs could affect men’s sex performance. Although not as much as being bald.

Donald Trump says 2017 is the year Obamacare was set to explode. Which couldn’t have been done without Republican members of Congress making that their sole focus over the past eight years.

Donald Trump says 2017 is the year Obamacare was set to explode. Which with Donald Trump as President is also the year the same thing will happen to the economy, the environment and education.

A study says there are three types of porn watchers. Which are pretty much men, men and men.

A study says there are three types of porn watchers, and two of them are unhealthy. The two that are unhealthy are men getting caught by their boss or their wife.

A study is linking pot use to strokes and heart failure. Not from actually smoking the pot but all the pizza, Oreos and Doritos that inevitably follow.

A study is linking pot use to strokes and heart failure. Mostly from stoners who think having chest pain, numbness and slurring speech are just the side effects of a really good high.

A survey says 30% of teens who shared a news story online say they didn’t get the facts exactly right. Which is still better results than they are getting over at CNN.

A survey says 44% of teenagers can recognize a fake news story. They say the way to tell they are made up is if they include a quote from Donald Trump.

The LAPD did a wellness check on Richard Simmons after reports he may have been held against his will and said he was “perfectly fine.” The problem is that nothing raises suspicions even more than to have Richard Simmons declared perfectly fine.

The Washington Redskins have fired GM Scot McCloughan after rumors of his battles with alcohol. Or as the team officially refers to it, “too much firewater.”

New Lakers GM Rob Pelinka gave an interview where he shared fond memories of his time as agent to Kobe Bryant. Which for an agent was pretty much getting 10% of an outrageously high salary and endorsements.

A study says 83% of the top high school science students in the U.S. are the children of immigrants. Which with those kids taking all the college scholarships finally explains why Donald Trump has so much support for his wall and travel ban.

Amazon and WebMD are combining to give Alexa the capability to make medical diagnoses. The first thing Alexa was programmed to do is tell people to quit looking up their symptoms online, get off their rear end and do some exercise.

The U.S.’s privacy watchdog says there is “little or no evidence” that mass surveillance works. Although those supporting the technique say there is also little or no evidence that anything the U.N. has ever done has worked, either.

The U.S.’s privacy watchdog says there is “little or no evidence” that mass surveillance works. Their claim is backed up by how the NFL records each play from every conceivable angle and still can’t get instant replay overrules right.

The CEO of Royal Dutch Shell says the oil industry must embrace clean energy and get away from fossil fuels. Which surprised people to hear one fossil calling for less reliance on another.

The CEO of Royal Dutch Shell says the oil industry must embrace clean energy and get away from fossil fuels. Which is a pleasant change of heart after spending the past 150 years bleeding everyone’s wallets dry and choking out the entire planet.

An intruder breached the White House grounds and was arrested near an entrance to the residence last week. The good news is that the Secret Service was ready this time and says they did remember to lock the doors.

An intruder breached the White House grounds and was arrested near an entrance to the residence last week. To which Chris Christie says the next time he wants to come to talk to President Trump about filling out a job application he will call first.

A lawmaker in Michigan says the state should end participating in Daylight Saving Time. Apparently he just wants a one time deal where the state can roll back time to the last time things were good there in 1965.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says there is “no question” some government employees are working against President Trump. Afterwards he ended the conference by saying “no questions.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says there is “no question” some government employees are working against President Trump. Unfortunately, most of them have turned out to be his Cabinet selections.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says there is “no question” some government employees are working against President Trump. Like perhaps a spokesman who goes in front of the cameras and openly lies every day to the media.

A House panel has approved a bill to ban government employees from watching porn at work. The question is, how is that even allowable in the first place?

A House panel has approved a bill to ban federal employees from watching porn at work. Which is a brilliant move by President Trump if that is how he intended to dramatically reduce the size of the government.

A House panel has approved a bill to ban government employees from watching porn at work. Although keeping high level officials looking at porn is the one way to keep them from starting wars, crashing the economy and taking away health care.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great weekend, but now it’s back to the work week which includes going back to the office and of course looking at these jokes. It could be worse, and when I figure that out I will let you know. In the meantime, as usual I am not asking for much. I just request you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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