Friday, March 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says women watch more porn on their mobile phones than men. Mostly because men prefer porn on their large desktop computer screens and prefer their smartphones for sports, dating sites and hitting on their female Facebook friends.

A South African man became the first person to make the 4,000 mile trip across the Atlantic Ocean on a stand up paddle board. When asked how he made it exposed to the elements, with little food and standing the whole time, he said “It was either that or sailing with Carnival.”

The world’s heaviest woman has lost 220 pounds following surgery in India. As opposed to the traditional Indian weight loss method of drinking the water and developing permanent dysentery.

A burger-flipping robot replaced humans on its first day of work. Although the people it replaced say good luck in teaching it to spit on the finished product.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is calling on Congress to raise the debt ceiling. It’s already at $20 Trillion. Why don’t they save the trouble and just put it up to $40 so they don’t have to deal with the subject again for another five years?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is calling on Congress to raise the debt ceiling. It’s already at $20 Trillion. That probably means we aren’t looking at the likelihood of a balanced budget again this year.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says the CIA leaks show “devastating incompetence.” To which the CIA says it shows how good they are that they were able to keep that fact a secret for so long.

A flight from Las Vegas to Hawaii was diverted to L.A. when a passenger wouldn’t pay $12 for a blanket. Apparently the flight attendants didn’t understand if you leave Las Vegas and still have $12 in your pocket, you didn’t make a total commitment to the trip.

A survey says a growing number of college students use their tuition loans to pay for their spring break vacations. The students rationalize it that the whole point of the break is to sit around, get drunk and have sex, so how is that different than when school is in session?

A survey says a growing number of college students use their tuition loans to pay for their spring break vacations. The kids justify it by saying they will probably remember about the same amount from spring break that they will from what they ever learn in class.

Google’s Eric Schmidt says Big Data is so powerful that some nations will eventually be willing to fight for it. Which has made Watson very nervous when he was recently required to give all his personal information to the Draft Board.

Facebook says it is teaching Artificial Intelligence computers to predict the future. Which means the people at Facebook will someday be telling you what you are going to be eating for breakfast.

Facebook says it is teaching Artificial Intelligence computers to predict the future. The first thing the computers predicted is that people will continue to waste several hours every day checking in on what everyone else is doing on social media.

A report says U.S. household net worth has reached a record $92.8 Trillion. The bad news is that after subtracting the wealth of Warren Buffet, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, that pretty much leaves everyone else with about $47.32.

House Speaker Paul Ryan is defending the eight days Congress is scheduled to be in session in April. He says the reason they will be there eight days out of a month because there is so much work to do they decided to add the extra three days.

House Speaker Paul Ryan is defending the eight days Congress is scheduled to be in session in April. Or as Congress calls working eight days in one month, putting in a little OT.

ISIS is warning there is a “lack of manliness” in marriage relationships. They pose it in the question of who really wears the suicide vest in the family?

Scientists say a 7.4 magnitude earthquake may hit from L.A. to San Diego. Which the people in L.A. would consider to be good news as long as it shook both the Chargers and Clippers back to where they came from.

Fox has ordered a reality series called “You The Jury” where the audience decides the case. Which has the Trump Administration nervous that C-SPAN is considering a similar show where the viewers decide whether to impeach the President.

Fox has ordered a reality series called “You The Jury” where the audience decides the case. Next up is a show called “You The English Professor” where they show programmers how to diagram a sentence and use a verb.

A Florida man stole a car that had nine baby parrots in the back seat. Apparently his reason for doing it was he missed the times when he would drive his mother-in-law around.

Reports of sex orgies, prostitutes and pornography have emerged from several Catholic parishes in Italy. What ever happened to the days when all the Pope had to worry about was what was going on between the priests and altar boys?

Bolivia has doubled the amount of land is has set aside for production of coca, the plant used in making cocaine. Which can only mean that Hollywood has had yet another year of record making profits.

The Apple Store is now selling a smart blood pressure monitor. Which is mostly needed by Apple customers when they see how much it is going to cost to buy the latest version of the iPhone.

A report says current and former employees of Fox News are describing the environment there as archaic, with a 1950s view of male-female relations. Which they found that instead of changing it was just easier to support Donald Trump and bring the rest of the country into their way of thinking.

A bill to repeal sales tax on feminine products has been reintroduced in the California legislature. A similar measure was passed but vetoed by Governor Jerry Brown, who now is wondering why women are calling him a real douche bag.

Ben & Jerry’s has introduced ice cream flavors called splashbacks that taste like the milk left over after eating Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Pebbles and Fruit Loops. Although for the people who grew up on those cereals, ice cream is probably the last thing they need to bring into their diet.

Mark Zuckerberg and his wife are expecting their second child. The news came as a real shock to their daughter who suddenly realized she just lost out on $25 Billion.

RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy for the second time in two years. People were surprised at the news. RadioShack is still in business?

A survey says 40% of Millennials will save or invest their tax refund. The other 60% are holding off until the day they need to file when they actually have an income.

A survey says 40% of Millennials will save or invest their tax refund. That includes putting the money back into their business, which means getting their Prius detailed for their job of driving for Uber.

Stroke ambulances are being used in more areas to allow doctors to start treatment before stroke patients get to the hospital. Since it is a “stroke” ambulance, it is usually operated by a driver, doctor and coxswain.

Researchers say that restaurants are the number one place to sabotage a diet. People can even go farther than that at Taco Bell where they can also sabotage their digestive tract, cardiovascular system and household plumbing.

A study says men who are short and white have a better chance at also going bald. Which means that Tom Cruise and his career really dodged a bullet on that one.

A study says men who are short and white have a better chance at also going bald. However, researchers were at a complete loss when it came to trying to explain what may have happened with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The VA has enlisted the help of an electromagnetic head device to help veterans battling depression. Although if they really want to keep our soldiers from becoming depressed, how about taking a break from sending them off to so many wars?

A study says Neanderthals may have self-medicated thousands of years before the advent of pills. Although that is not to be confused with allegations of steroid use by Sylvester Stallone.

A study says Neanderthals may have self-medicated thousands of years before the advent of pills. Mostly for the depression they discovered when they saw their reflection in the water and realized they were Neanderthals.

A study says heart patients who develop depression are twice as likely to diet within ten years than others. Mostly from the despair they suffer when they realize they are going to have to find a way to pay for both a cardiologist and psychiatrist.

A study says young men who play violent video games may not be desensitized to the violence. The real reason they may act out their aggressions is because they sit around playing video games all day and have no job, money or future.

The CDC says 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. The other three are still mostly affected by the usual obesity, heart disease, diabetes, gastrointestinal disorders, asthma, cirrhosis of the liver…

HBO is making a miniseries based on the 2016 presidential election. So far it has to be determined whether the work will be listed as a soap opera, tragedy, surrealism or disaster film.

The Bush twins are reportedly writing a memoir. They say the hardest part so far is sitting down together with each one writing every other word.

The Bush twins are reportedly writing a memoir. Mostly as a way they can step back and say to the world that they had nothing to do with anything that went on in the White House from 2001-2009.

The Bush twins are reportedly writing a memoir. It will cover their lives after college since they can’t seem to really recall anything that happened before that.

J-Lo and A-Rod are reportedly dating. The word is they are a perfect couple because there is so much love between them. Which means they will be together forever once that love actually includes the other person.

Michael Bennett of the Seahawks says he will donate all his endorsement money in 2017. After getting blown out in the postseason last year by Atlanta, charitable organizations are just glad he won’t only be donating his playoff winnings.

UNC head basketball coach Roy Williams says President Trump tweets out “more BS than anybody I’ve ever seen.” And who knows more about BS than someone who has coached in the NCAA for nearly 40 years?

An algorithm can reportedly predict the perfect age at which to get married. Which for Hugh Hefner works out to him being 93 and the bride 22.

Radioactive boars have been reported around the Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan. The good news for residents is that the radioactivity has pretty much turned each of them into a walking pork roast crock-pot.

Monica Crowley has called her plagiarism scandal a “political hit job.” Which it turns out is a term she plagiarized from Donald Trump.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The weekend is here. That used to be a time for me to relax but not anymore. Now I have to scan the news pages every day to keep up with the latest crisis caused by a tweet from Donald Trump. Joke writing has become a 24/7 operation. But I am here to make sure it gets done. All you need to do is help me out by remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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