Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Governor of Mississippi is telling churches to follow “man’s law” and stop harboring undocumented immigrants. Like back in the old days when they turned over that one guy the government wanted to crucify.

A-List celebrities flew a makeup artist 7,500 miles to the Oscars just to do their eyebrows. Which was a good thing as he was able to raise them just high enough to make everyone look shocked during the Best Picture award mix-up.

A study says that chicken at Subway restaurants contains only 50% chicken DNA. Which customers there are only concerned that their sandwiches don’t contain the DNA of Jared.

A study says five new brain disorders have been created by digital obsession. All mostly affecting men from the fear of what will happen if their wife ever finds out what they are doing online.

Doctors could prescribe houses to the homeless under a radical proposed law in Hawaii. Which would still be cheaper than expecting them to be able to pay for any prescription medication for an actual illness.

A poll says 63% of Americans say it would be better for the country if Democrats would try to work with President Trump. The other 37% say it is much more fun watching things work out the way they are.

A study says that online dating causes people to lower their standards. Mostly because they never thought they would have to stoop to going onto the Internet just to find a date.

A study says that online dating causes people to lower their standards. But only when they post a picture to let prospective dates see what they actually look like.

A study says that online dating causes people to lower their standards. Which before the Internet, lowering standards was always a result of too much alcohol right around closing time.

Donald Trump says he so far gives his presidency an “A” grade. That’s good considering how strict his educational standards are. For instance, an A at Trump University would cost $25,000 and students would have to Xerox their own course material from the public library.

Donald Trump says he so far gives his presidency an “A” grade. People were surprised. In grading himself he couldn’t come up with something higher?

U.S. officials say the Trump Administration is proposing deep cuts in diplomacy and foreign aid to pay for increased military spending. Mostly because Trump’s idea of diplomacy and foreign aid is the military.

Donald Trump says President Obama is behind the leaks in his administration. He can’t prove it so far, but in the meantime he admires the bust Winston Churchill that Obama left behind. The one with the antennae sticking out of the head.

Signet Jewelers slammed a report where workers claim there is sexual harassment in the workplace. There hasn’t been such a scandal involving sex and jewelry sales since Kobe Bryant was still in the NBA.

Target is reportedly changing its strategy to reemphasize low prices over hip products. In other words, if selling cheap junk made in China is what made Wal-Mart, then maybe it’s time to go with what works best.

A former Ferrari salesman in Florida alleges the dealer he worked for had a device that could roll back odometers. At least now the question has been answered as to whatever happened to Ferris Bueller.

A former Ferrari salesman in Florida alleges the dealer he worked for had a device that could roll back odometers. We’re talking Ferraris here. What did they do, turn the mileage back to 100 miles from 300?

A survey says Millennials would rather save money for travel or retirement than buy clothes. Which is no surprise considering Mark Zuckerberg is worth $80 Billion and still wears the same jeans, a T-shirt and hoodie every day.

A survey says Millennials would rather save money for travel or retirement than buy clothes. Apparently they are planning on one day seeing more of the world than their office and parents’ basement.

A survey says Millennials would rather save money for travel or retirement than buy clothes. Which is good because if they are still in their 20s they have another 70 years to save enough before they can actually think about retiring.

The CEO of Netflix says some of his employees were affected by the Trump travel ban. Although the good news is they could spend the three days they were held at the airport using their iPhones to binge-watch every episode of “Game of Thrones.”

Snapchat is reportedly growing because of older Americans. Mostly from their kids moving to other social media now that their parents are all on Facebook.

The CEO of Starbucks says the company is ready to enter Italy after 35 years. Although the way the Italian economy is going, people there will take one look at Starbucks price menu and say “Fuggetaboutit.”

A study says aerobics is the best exercise for weight loss. Especially when people just keep on walking by every time they come to a McDonald’s.

A study says older people who suffer a hip fracture face a higher risk of death in the long term. Especially when everyone around them thinks they are just pulling a prank and imitating the commercials when they say “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

A Florida woman accused of practicing medicine without a license calls it a “misunderstanding.” Apparently she thought when she told all her patients that she was a practicing doctor, she meant she was just using them to practice on.

A study has identified “weird” things men should do to turn women on. If they want to be really weird, they could do something no other man has ever done for them before and wash the dishes and do the laundry.

A study says the life span of South Korean women is headed towards 90. Mostly the ones who get exercise by still going around the house every day doing the “Gangnam Style” horse dance.

A British songwriter is accusing U2 of stealing a song they used on a 1991 album. Although how memorable could that song have been if it took him 26 years to actually realize it was his?

A British songwriter is accusing U2 of stealing a song they used on a 1991 album. When asked who was responsible for lifting the tune he looked at Bono and the Edge and said “You two!”

Kanye West has just released a 17 minute song. Apparently it was still just barely long enough so that he could fit in all the lyrics telling everyone how great he is.

Victoria’s Secret Angel Stella Maxwell says social media gives models “power.” That along with having a perfect face, smoking’ hot body and willingness to take off all their clothes.

Bill O’Reilly featured a guest on his show who falsely claimed to be a Swedish National Security Adviser. For one thing, why would Sweden even need a National Security Adviser? To protect against invasions from Finland, Norway and Denmark?

Bill O’Reilly featured a guest on his show who falsely claimed to be a Swedish National Security Adviser. That should have raised a red flag. What do the Swedes need advice for other than how to keep from freezing nine months out of the year?

The Academy has apologized for the Best Picture mix-up and is vowing “action.” Which of course being in Hollywood will take place right after “lights” and “camera.”

Michael Phelps says he has never been in an international race that was completely clean of doping cheats.  He knows that because of all the competitors who said as soon as they were out of the pool were going to sign up for the Tour de France.

Rory McIlroy says he was “taken aback” at the reaction of his playing golf with President Trump. The reason he did it was as a non-citizen he was afraid if he didn’t join he would be “taken aback” to Northern Ireland.

Rory McIlroy says he was “taken aback” at the reaction of his playing golf with President Trump. To which McIlroy says he just joined up with him for four hours. We’re the ones who picked him for the next four years.

Rory McIlroy says he was “taken aback” at the reaction of his playing golf with President Trump. He says there was a misunderstanding. When he was requested to play with a billionaire narcissist womanizer, he thought he was being paired with Tiger Woods.

Five University of Richmond baseball players have been suspended for taking part in a fantasy football league. The good news is they are all being scouted by the majors as potential future all-time hits leaders.

Michael Phelps says he doesn’t know how he will tell his son about doping in sports. Although it might be a lot easier than getting into his two DUIs and suspension for smoking pot.

Adidas is offering a $1 Million island to any football player who breaks the 40 yard dash record at the NFL combine. Which shows that geeks beat the athletes when Oracle founder Larry Ellison is able to buy his own $300 Million island in Hawaii.

The CEO of Uber got into a shouting match with a driver over falling prices. Not to say Uber is having problems, but the CEO is purposely keeping prices down so he can still afford to use it himself.

Domino’s has released a virtual assistant so people can order pizza by voice. The question is how stoned do you have to be when you can’t even text in an order for a large pepperoni pizza?

Researchers have discovered the fossil of a giant penguin in New Zealand that stood five feet tall. Either that or the Catholics sent some nuns there a lot earlier than anyone thought.

A sight simulator shows people what it is like to be legally blind. Or they can just close their eyes.

YouTube has announced a cable free TV subscription service for $35 a month. Which is good news for YouTube viewers who could use a little variety in what they watch for the other hour left in the day they aren’t fixated on cat videos.

The NFL says it will start placing microchips in all footballs to gather data. Now all they need to do to prevent another Deflategate is to be able to sneak up fast enough so they can also hold down and place a microchip into Tom Brady.

Donald Trump says his job is “not to represent the world.” Apparently he feels his calling is to just get all the other countries simultaneously involved in World War III.

Donald Trump says the Earth shifted beneath our feet in 2016. Which was pretty much a result of him pulling the rug out from everyone.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Gotta go and get out of here quickly today. There are some severe storms approaching the region and my real job as a TV meteorologist sometimes makes me do some actual work. I should have been a news anchor. Oh, well. At least I made sure I had time to write down the jokes. Priorities you know. Now all I need is for all of you to remember to take the time and always keep on sending the love!



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