Thursday, February 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! Fros the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

MTV Senior Political Correspondent Ana Marie Cox admits she took part in anti-Trump protests. Although the last time anyone really took an MTV newscast seriously was when it was aired right after a John Cougar Mellencamp video.

A report says French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen is winning over women voters in France who feel left behind. Mostly because she is anti-Euro, anti-immigrant and apparently anti-razor.

A study says that men who exercise strenuously have lower libidos. Mostly because after getting into such great shape who wants to look at anyone else but the person in the mirror?

A study says that men who exercise strenuously have lower libidos. Which is good news for the men who don’t work out who save up enough energy to make it through three minutes of sex.

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick may be called to testify in the murder case of Aaron Hernandez. Apparently the prosecution is counting on Belichick having some old hidden spy video showing Hernandez committing his crimes.

McDonald’s will cut the price of soda to a dollar to help pick up falling business. The chain will just have to deal with dropping their per drink profit down to 99 cents a cup.

A study says the life expectancy in some countries could hit 90 years by 2030. Which would be good news if that happens in the U.S. so that people could be assured of living long enough to pay off their college loans, credit cards and possibly retire.

A study says that 90% of people would not want to know what the future holds in store for them. Especially Americans who would just be happy to know if the country is going to make it through the next four years.

A poll says 60% of Americans can’t name one Oscar nominee for Best Picture. What’s even worse is that they can name the entire catalogue of movies made by Will Ferrell.

A poll says 66% of Trump supporters turn off awards shows when the acceptance speeches become political. Which means the networks should make sure to run just about all their commercials before the first statuette is handed out.

A poll says 66% of Trump supporters turn off awards shows when the acceptance speeches become political. Which means 34% of the viewers are still tuned in after the first three seconds.

The President of Iceland says he would ban pineapple as a pizza topping if he had the power. Which means in order to not be shown up, an executive order banning tropical fruit from any pizza will be signed this week by Donald Trump.

The President of Iceland says he would ban pineapple as a pizza topping if he had the power. Which is a pretty strange idea from someone leading a country that has no problem serving sour ram’s testicles, cod tongues and blood putting.

A police department in Massachusetts has ended their “High Five Friday” program at local schools as some children were uncomfortable with visits from the police. Especially inner city kids who think nothing good ever comes out of having the police tell them to raise their hands.

Budapest is dropping its bid for host city of the 2024 Olympics. Apparently officials just thought they weren’t Hungary enough.

Budapest is dropping its bid for host city of the 2024 Olympics. After seeing the other two still in the race were L.A. and Paris they felt they were pretty much they had about the same chance as running for President on the Libertarian ticket.

The UK has named the first woman to ever head up Scotland Yard. Coincidentally, she supposedly wears the same dress size as J. Edgar Hoover.

Jay Z is set to become the first rapper inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame. The question is, why did it take so long to get representation from a genre that gives such poetic references to bitch slapping ho’s, popping a cap and selling drugs?

Russia is accusing western media of spreading “fake news.” Which is exactly why they had their hackers make sure Donald Trump won the election just so he could identify and try his best to put an end to the problem.

Russia is accusing western media of spreading “fake news.” Which as far as they are concerned ended when Donald Trump turned over control of his Twitter account to the Kremlin.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Mostly because the majority of people who think they can afford a Lexus or Porsche see them repossessed after six months.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Which means that if you spend $120,000 for a car, it will save you having to shell out $300 for a starter in the first couple of years.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Mostly because just the insurance cost keeps most of those cars sitting in the driveway while the owners can drive a car they can actually afford.

Illinois hospitals say they are committing to increasing organ transplants. Which makes street people who are brought in for surgery keep asking “What am I being brought in for again?”

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. The only question is what will the male employees do with the other 57 minutes?

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. Although that won’t do much for the physical or mental health of any workers who use the breaks and have to explain to their wife how they got that STD.

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. To Which Bill Clinton says that is nothing new. His administration was on that idea way back in 1994.

A study tests the belief that cat droppings have a chemical tied to schizophrenia, OCD and other mental illnesses. Which apparently comes from the fact that people who have all those disorders are always the ones who have a houseful of 50 cats.

A study says one third of all antidepressants are prescribed for disorders they aren’t approved for like migraine headaches. Mostly because both migraines and depression start to show up when people get their monthly pharmacy bill.

A report says ACL tears are on the increase in kids, especially ones playing sports where there is a lot of cutting and pivoting. Although if that is the case, the question is why aren’t at least half the members of Congress walking around on crutches?

A study says a GOP health insurance fix would raise premiums on older patients. Although that won’t matter under the Republican plan since most people will end up losing their insurance and won’t live to be older patients in the first place.

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company reportedly owes New York $5,000 in unpaid sales tax. Apparently since Kellyanne Conway endorsed her products on Fox News, Ivanka’s bling went blam!

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company reportedly owes New York $5,000 in unpaid sales tax. The bad part is that if Ivanka keeps avoiding taxes, the state of New York will be there to fit her with a free pair of bracelets.

Judge Judy is shopping around old reruns that she wants to sell for $200 Million. Although her show featuring courtroom screaming and yelling will be nothing compared to when Donald Trump gets all his nominees put on the Supreme Court.

Kellyanne Conway has reportedly been sidelined from TV appearances by the White House after going “off message.” Although anyone who has seen her last couple of interviews knows it is more like she has gone off the rails.

Kellyanne Conway has reportedly been sidelined from TV appearances by the White House after going “off message.” Political experts were surprised. The Trump White House has a message?

Kim Kardashian is denying she is in a second sex tape making the rounds. Apparently just like with her reality show after a couple of viewings it all just starts looking the same.

Kim Kardashian is denying she is in a second sex tape making the rounds. Although at this point it would be more intriguing if she would release something where she actually keeps her clothes on.

Ole Miss has self-imposed a one year bowl ban after being hit with serious violations charges. Remember the days when a team that went 5-7 didn’t have to worry about having a chance in being invited to a Bowl game in the first place?

Ole Miss has self-imposed a one year bowl ban after being hit with serious violations charges. Which is not to be confused with New Mexico State’s self-imposed ban from any Bowl appearances since 1960 because they are just crappy.

Chris Christie is reportedly being considered to host a sports show on WFAN once his term as New Jersey Governor is up. Christie is not usually associated with any sports other than occasionally being confused with the Goodyear Blimp.

Jeanie Buss says she waited too long to fire her brother as executive vice president of the Lakers. And you thought the conversation at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner had some awkward moments.

A New Jersey man has been sentenced to five years in prison for his part in a New York Giants ticket scam. Apparently he was ripping off Giants fans by making them pay full price.

A New Jersey man has been sentenced to five years in prison for his part in a New York Giants ticket scam. Although he could get his sentence cut in half if he just finally tells them where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Alex Rodriguez has been hired as a Yankees special spring training guest instructor. Which means just like when he was still playing, they have no idea of what he is actually getting paid for.

An expired Microsoft certificate reportedly locked several DHS employees out of accessing their computers. Which means the new number one on the most wanted terrorist list is now Bill Gates.

A report says Donald Trump’s aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter. The one that works best so far is when he asks for his smartphone to tweet they replace it with an old TV remote control.

A report says Donald Trump’s aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter. For one thing, they won’t let him tweet within eight hours of watching anything on CNN.

Campbell’s Soup is betting on digital transformation of the company to help increase sales. For one thing, the letters in their alphabet soup are now being replaced with a bunch of 1’s and 0’s.

Campbell’s Soup is betting on digital transformation of the company to help increase sales. Which is sad to think the digital age now allows anyone to mimic Andy Warhol with a can of tomato soup and an iPhone.

Experts say if President Trump’s Twitter account were to be hacked, it could lead to chaos and mayhem on the world stage. To which most people are saying and that would be different how?

An Illinois state representative is proposing a stretch of interstate be renamed the “Barack Obama Expressway.” Which was also the name Mitch McConnell gave to the trashcan where he threw all of Obama’s legislation during his entire eight years in the White House.

Automakers are calling on new EPA chief Scott Pruitt to lower emissions standards on new cars. Which should be no problem with this administration as Donald Trump has already requested the new presidential limousine be a Humvee with a V-12 engine that runs on a mixture of diesel and coal.

George W. Bush spoke at the funeral for Little Caesar’s founder Mike Ilitch. It’s good to see that Bush is back representing the country, and when other statesmen are busy at the funerals of heads of state and religious leaders we still have a delegation to be there when the call comes from the fast food industry.

George W. Bush spoke at the funeral for Little Caesar’s founder Mike Ilitch. The fast food giant served in the Marines but Bush mistakenly thought he was a doughboy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am just cranking them out this week. Although some days it is easier than others. Mostly when Donald Trump gets his hands on a phone and starts tweeting. I am not personally a fan of Twitter. Or Facebook, or Snapchat, or Instagram or whatever it is the kids are using these days. I sound like my parents. The only thing I still like to read is when you all take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: