Thursday, February 09, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Houston police say they are prepared to offer a reward for Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. So far the best offer they can come up with is a straight across trade no questions asked for a pair of Tom Brady’s $200 jammies.

Houston police say they are prepared to offer a reward for Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. So far the $297 they have scraped together doesn’t have quite the same incentive as the $500,000 the thief could pick up selling it on eBay.

Garlic is reportedly being used to throw off the scent of sniffer dogs as a way to sneak illegal immigrants into the UK. The Brits don’t care because even with the garlic stench, the immigrants smell better than the tourists coming in from France.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly funding the development of mind reading implants. Which ironically shows absolutely no activity when people are checking out what everyone else is posting on Facebook.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly funding the development of mind reading implants. We already have that. It’s already obvious what a man is thinking when a woman walks by with DD breast implants.

An Austrian model claims to have 5,400 matches on Tinder. Although so far, she hasn’t been on a date with any of them because they all keep asking her out to go see the latest “Star Wars” movie.

An Austrian model claims to have 5,400 matches on Tinder. Imagine that. A young, pretty woman getting attention from men on the Internet.

An Austrian model claims to have 5,400 matches on Tinder. She could have 20 times that number by putting together a profile saying she is 13 and posting it on Myspace.

More than 500 relatives in China have gotten together for a family reunion. The only larger gathering of people who are all related to each other is called the state of Alabama.

A new app tells people if they small badly. Apparently it sounds the alarm when its phone detection technology indicates every other cellphone in the room has moved at least 50 feet away.

A new app tells people if they small badly. First it posts ads for cologne. Then it suggests taking a shower. The critical stage is reached when the app starts translating all text messages into French.

A study says pasta lovers are healthier and eat less fat. Then why are there never any skinny people sitting at any of the tables at the local Olive Garden?

A study says music and sex stimulate the same part of the brain. Which in men, that area is called the brain.

A study says music and sex stimulate the same part of the brain. So that takes care of the sex and rock and roll. That means once they figure out the area affected by drugs, that pretty much takes care of everything that matters.

A new algorithm can reportedly spot serial killers. So anyone who likes dressing in their mom’s clothes and who has just stopped by Trader Joe’s for a bottle of chianti and some fava beans, you might be getting a knock on your door one of these days.

Norway has made every citizen’s tax information available online. The only thing Democrats need to do now is figure out a way to get Norwegian authorities to grand Donald Trump honorary citizenship.

Norway has made every citizen’s tax information available online. Which in a socialist Nordic country is pretty much the same amount as their income.

New Jersey Transit says it will finish its mandated braking system on time. The only problem will be the complaints from travelers who see brakes as an obstacle that only slows down their attempt to get out of New Jersey.

The Census Bureau says the U.S. trade deficit is up to $734 Billion. There hasn’t been that much of a trade imbalance since 1919 when Boston sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees for $100,000.

Donald Trump slammed Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessory line. Which means between that and the lawsuit over his travel ban, soldiers can expect any day to be mobilized to invade Seattle.

Donald Trump slammed Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s clothing and accessory line. They may regret that decision when Trump makes Ivanka his nominee for the newly created position of Secretary of Retail.

A study says global sea ice is at a record low. Climate deniers are in a real dilemma. Especially the ones who don’t believe in evolution and are at a loss to explain why polar bears are now developing gills.

Technical problems caused delays for a number of United Airlines flights on Wednesday. Or as that is otherwise known at United Airlines, “Wednesday.”

ESPN continues to struggle with its viewership numbers, but Disney CEO Bob Iger says he may have the answer. It all revolves around if they can somehow figure out a way to get men interested in watching sports.

Domino’s Pizza is starting a wedding gift registry. Which means if you give your wife a wedding day present of a Domino’s gift card, your marriage will be over in 30 minutes or less.

Domino’s Pizza is starting a wedding gift registry. Because nothing goes over like a gift card for pizza as long as someone else in the wedding party gives the bride and groom a bong.

Wells Fargo says it is likely to deny any 2016 bonuses to its top executives. Although if they do, customers just hope that like with them they will end up in a fake account.

Wells Fargo says it is likely to deny any 2016 bonuses to its top executives. Apparently they think they’ve done enough by giving them the legal representation that has kept their rear ends out of prison where they belong.

Federal tax refunds have dropped 78% compared to last year at this time. Which could be explained because most Americans during that time have seen a 78% drop in their income.

A growing number of mental health professionals say that Donald Trump is a textbook narcissist. Trump denies the charges. He says that does not apply to him since all the great things he thinks about himself are the truth.

More than 1,000 people were allowed to line up at 6:00 am in Burbank, California for the opening of the nation’s largest IKEA store. And who wouldn’t for the chance to sit down to a steaming hot plate of horse and donkey meatballs?

More than 1,000 people were allowed to line up at 6:00 am in Burbank, California for the opening of the nation’s largest IKEA store. There would have been more but many people got lost following the IKEA directions on how to get there.

Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg has announced the company will provide extended bereavement time for employees. Now if they could only figure out a way to offer support to their users who have gone through the tragedy of being unfriended.

The FTC says the jellyfish memory supplement Prevagen is a hoax. The report will be released just as soon as FTC researchers can remember where they put it.

The FTC says the jellyfish memory supplement Prevagen is a hoax. The only thing it helps people remember is the TV schedule for each day’s episodes of “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

The FTC says the jellyfish memory supplement Prevagen is a hoax. Apparently the discovery was made as part of a sting operation.

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why certain songs give people pleasure. A perfect example is with Justin Bieber music, and how people say nothing makes them feel better than turning it off.

Scientists have come up with an explanation as to why certain songs give people pleasure. Although anyone who was around in the 1970s already knew that if they were ever on a date and started playing some Barry White.

A Facebook post helped a toddler get a new kidney. Which the donor now realizes they would have come out a lot better if they had instead put it on eBay.

A new blood test may make Parkinson’s Disease easier to diagnose. Not so much from anything in the blood, but by the 400 holes they have poked in them while trying to get the needle in their arm.

A study says that whole grain foods may help keep a person’s weight in check. Because who is going to pack on any pounds with a diet that tastes like every meal is a combination of sawdust and tree bark?

A study says e-cigarettes may be a bridge to teen tobacco use. Which means that when Donald Trump is considering a new drug czar, who better than to shut down a bridge than Chris Christie?

A study says harsh parenting tactics including yelling, hitting and threats may bring out the worst in teens. In fact, the only worse behavior attributed to teenagers is called becoming a teenager.

A study says harsh parenting tactics including yelling, hitting and threats may bring out the worst in teens. Parents don’t need to subject their children to that kind of abuse as there will be plenty of time for that from their future spouse, boss and kids.

A report says toxic metals found in e-cigarette liquid include cadmium, chromium and lead. Which means instead of using an e-cigarette, people would be just as well off by putting their lips around an exhaust pipe and taking a deep breath.

A report says toxic metals found in e-cigarette liquid include cadmium, chromium and nickel. While they still may get cancer, at least when the surgeons cut into them they will be impressed at how sparkly and shiny their lungs are.

A study says women who work the night shift and do heavy lifting could be less fertile. Mostly because who wants to date a woman who sleeps all day and is built like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

The stars of “This Is Spinal Tap” have joined a lawsuit over the film’s profits. Considering the film came out 33 years ago when movie tickets were 75 cents, that could amount to a windfall of $320.

Madonna has adopted twin girls from Malawi. Apparently she is going to fight this Donald Trump travel ban two people at a time.

SI swimsuit model Myla Dalbesio says she wants all women to feel good about their bodies. Which is possible until the minute they open the SI Swimsuit Issue and see pictures of Myla Dalbesio.

Miranda Lambert says she started drinking “a little extra” after her divorce from Blake Shelton. The good news is that alcohol and divorce lawyer fees are all deductible for country songwriters as a business expense.

Jordan Spieth has called out “scums” who seek his autographs at tournaments. Apparently he is mad about their rude behavior, which includes not knowing which fork to use for the salad and holding their pinkie properly while drinking tea.

Jordan Spieth has called out “scums” who seek his autographs at tournaments. The good news is those autograph requests have dropped off exponentially after last year’s Masters final round at the 12th hole.

Minor league baseball wants to speed up extra inning games. The real problem is that by the time they get to the tenth inning, fans have already had enough in the four hours it takes to get through the first nine.

Tiger Woods says he doesn’t think he will ever feel great again. Of course, most of us will never have any idea how good he must have felt in the days when he had 15 mistresses to choose from.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A winter storm is hitting the northeast pretty hard, but the good news we can all hang our hats on is that pitchers and catchers report in just another five days. That’s when we know the world is good again. I think we can all use a baseball season or three to forget what is going on all over the planet. Hopefully these jokes have some effect on that. I mean in a good way. The best effect for me is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: