Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Lady Gaga’s album sales have risen 1,000% since her Super Bowl Halftime show. People were surprised. There were people who were still watching after that 21-3 first half?

A report says professionals are now using marijuana more ever since it has been legalized. That and because their kids keep getting into the medicine cabinet and stealing all their opioids.

Researchers say a person’s time perception is altered when they are online. Especially when they subscribe to AOL and everything takes three times as long to watch while it is constantly buffering.

Researchers say a person’s time perception is altered when they are online. That isn’t a huge technological advancement. All it took in the 1960s to do that was a tab of acid and a record player with a Jimi Hendrix album.

China is proposing further tightening of its Internet oversight. Mostly to stop their people from going online to tell the rest of the world about the smog, food and water issues over which there is no government oversight.

China is proposing further tightening of its Internet oversight. Which means if the people aren’t careful, they could lower their access from five to just four government-approved web pages.

A realtor says only 3,000 people in the world can afford America’s most expensive home selling for $250 Million in L.A. Which is better than the half dozen who can afford to just get into a 1500 square foot, two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English clubs at 80. Mostly for the other 80 year olds who still remember what a record is.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English clubs at 80 even though he now needs a hearing aid. The worst part is having to hear his mother still remind him every day that she told him listening to rock and roll would make him go deaf.

Britain’s oldest DJ is still spinning records at English clubs at 80. The hardest part is having to lug around and use the hand crank to rev up his Gramophone.

A new watch tells boring people when they should stop talking. Which when put on Charlie Rose’s wrist is usually right around the time his interviews start.

A new watch tells boring people when they should stop talking. Apparently it uses sensors to indicate when everyone’s yawning has sucked all the air out of the room.

Twitter has broadened its campaign against hate and abuse. Which mostly comes from people frustrated about having to put all their vitriol into just 140 characters.

San Francisco has reached a deal to offer residents free tuition at its city college. The only problem is now finding students who can afford to pay the rent, food and transportation costs it takes to live anywhere near San Francisco.

A California couple says they are splitting up because of the November election. Apparently things got heated when the wife found out her husband was the one Californian who voted for Donald Trump.

An Oregon school has banned the Confederate flag following a fight over it between students. Maybe the school should concentrate more on teaching history and geography to show that Oregon is 1,500 miles from the nearest Confederate state.

The President of Romania says the country is in a full-fledged political crisis. To which Americans are saying “Tell us about it.”

The President of Romania says the country is in a full-fledged political crisis. To which most people are asking how is that different from any other day there since 1914?

French presidential candidate Francois Fillon reportedly not only gave his wife fake jobs but also gave her severance pay. Most men were surprised. When they hear of someone giving their wife severance pay, they usually call that alimony.

Qatar Airlines has started the world’s longest non-stop flight, a 9,030 mile trek from Qatar to New Zealand. The flight takes seventeen and a half hours, which is still less time than it takes to fly from New York to Boston on United Airlines.

“Mother Jones” was named the Magazine of the Year at the 2017 Ellies. Apparently it was close, but it managed barely edge out the other three magazines still in publication.

“Mother Jones” was named the Magazine of the Year at the 2017 Ellies. The sad part is that many people think “Mother Jones” is the publication format of just another mommy blog.

A report says immigration lawyers are swamped because of President Trump’s travel ban. Which means the strategy is not to keep immigrants out of the country with the order, but because of not being able to afford their attorney’s fees.

A lawsuit says Internet providers often misrepresent the speed of their broadband service. Although there has never been a problem for those companies in making sure their bill arrives every month right on schedule.

The FTC says Vizio used 11 Million TVs to spy on its customers. Which was a waste of time because all they saw were people who had the TV on while they were sitting on the couch watching Netflix movies on their iPhone.

A poll says one third of Americans don’t know that the ACA and Obamacare are the same thing. What’s worse it that the other two thirds think the Constitution is just Donald Trump’s personal doormat.

VW is forming a U.S. unit to promote zero emission vehicles. Which when VW says “zero emission,” they are just leaving off the last word of “zero emission controls.”

A report says the growth of consumer borrowing slowed after December. Mostly because most people didn’t need to borrow to do their Christmas shopping by instead just shoplifting or going online with a stolen credit card.

Starbucks is offering employees free legal advice in the wake of the travel ban. The policy goes along with the company also providing legal counsel for when customers see how much they paid for a large mocha latte and accuse them of robbery.

A report says some Facebook shareholders want to oust Mark Zuckerberg as the company’s chairman. The only question is why is he called the company’s chair when most people do all their Facebook posting while they are on the couch?

A report says some Facebook shareholders want to oust Mark Zuckerberg as the company’s chairman. Couldn’t they just do the same thing by having everyone unfriend him at the same time?

GM has sold 10 Million cars in a year for the first time ever, helped by growing sales in China. Also by all the people everywhere else who end up buying a second GM car to drive while their first one is in the shop for the latest recall.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. Apparently it is for all the 80 year old men who still remember what life was like before Hooters.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. The hardest part is finding bartenders who can make drinks where the mixer is always a can of Ensure.

The Playboy Club is reopening in New York City. The 80 year old regulars will show up to see if their waitress will be daring and tease them by showing a little ankle.

A group of scientists says Donald Trump’s policies are scaring away geniuses who want to come to America. Although that is part of the plan. Trump knows the fewer geniuses we have living here, the better the chances of him being reelected.

The CDC says the noise of modern life can cause permanent hearing damage in U.S. adults. Mostly from their own screaming every time they get their kids’ monthly college tuition bill.

The CDC says the noise of modern life can cause permanent hearing damage in U.S. adults. Which for most people comes from everyone they know who are still wailing and gnashing their teeth after the November election.

An Ohio man with a heart pacemaker had his device’s data used against him in an arson case. Prosecutors used the data, saying the increase in his heart rate didn’t coincide with his story. Or he might have just taken a Viagra at the wrong time.

Evanger’s is recalling its Hunk of Beef dog food that contains a euthanasia drug. To which prison officials in Georgia are saying they had that same idea for death row inmates being served their last meal.

Researchers have written a song they say makes babies happy. The only problem is that the same song will drive their parents crazy when they have to keep playing it for five straight hours at a time.

Researchers have written a song they say makes babies happy. In other words, they may have actually come up with something more annoying than “It’s a Small World.”

A 79 year old New Jersey doctor is on trial over a $200 Million health fraud scheme. Apparently he needed the money as there just aren’t as many broken legs and gunshot wounds to treat now that the mob is branching out to other states.

A 79 year old New Jersey doctor is on trial over a $200 Million health fraud scheme. He is blaming younger prosecutors who just don’t understand that is how New Jersey medicine is done old school.

A study says fat shaming can lead to heart disease and diabetes. Or those people may be developing heart disease and diabetes because they are fat.

A report says the UK has the shortest average time for doctor consultation at ten minutes. Mostly because they save so much time when they tell their patients to say “ahhh” to look in their mouth and there aren’t any teeth blocking the view.

A report says the UK has the shortest average time for doctor consultation at ten minutes. In the U.S. patients also get ten minutes with their doctor. The additional time is the three hours they spend in the waiting room before their appointment.

A report says John Hopkins will start sharing surgical methods with other hospitals. The question is, shouldn’t those other hospitals already have people with a pretty good idea of how to do that in the first place?

CNN will air a show called “The History of Comedy.” Apparently it will consist of interspliced video of Donald Trump’s campaign speeches and Sean Spicer’s press briefings.

Merriam-Webster is adding binge-watch to its dictionary. The definition of binge-watching is the thing that people do that keeps them from ever actually opening a dictionary.

Judy Garland’s former husband Sid Luft says she was groped by the Munchkins during the filming of “The Wizard of Oz.” Apparently there was an entirely different meaning when they said they were going to “follow the yellow brick road.”

Patriots running back James White says he lost the football he carried into the end zone for the Super Bowl winning touchdown. Although there is already speculation that the big smile worn by Roger Goodell after the game was because he knew it was locked in his office desk drawer right next to Tom Brady’s jersey.

A survey says that iPhone users don’t want to date people who have android phones. Apparently some of them got mixed up and confused “android” with “androgynous.”

A survey says that iPhone users don’t want to date people who have android phones. It’s just sad when people can’t come together and realize it’s time to put our differences aside and know that true love is waiting with a right swipe on any kind of smartphone.

Researchers say a person’s “anonymous” browsing can be used to reveal their identity three quarters of the time. Mostly because all the women can be immediately eliminated any time the browsing is made up of nothing but porn sites.

An e-mail privacy bill has been passed by the House. To which Hillary Clinton is saying “Are you kidding me? They are doing this NOW?”

Donald Trump says he sleeps between 4-5 hours a night. Which based on his past claims means he actually sleeps somewhere between zero and 24 hours each night.

Donald Trump says he sleeps between 4-5 hours a night. Mostly because it takes at least 19 to 20 hours every day to tweet about how much he hates Democrats, “Saturday Night Live” and CNN.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of entertainment. “Professor” Irwin Corey, the king of comedic confusion has died at age 102. At least he was the king of comedic confusion until Donald Trump announced his candidacy for President. Apparently he knew it was time to let go. I still remember watching him on the afternoon show of the great Steve Allen. They would get into some sort of argument and Allen would chase Corey around the studio. That was great TV! He will be missed. Keep him in your thoughts today, right around the time you remember as usual to make sure to always send the love!


1 comment:

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