Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon plans to build stores that staff only three humans. Hasn’t that already been done? It’s called Home Depot.

A company is building Artificially Intelligent sex robots that have programmable personalities. Which for men is to have the robot not say a word when they leave a $20 bill on the dresser and walk out the door.

A company is building Artificially Intelligent sex robots that have programmable personalities. Which is easy for programmers who only have to code the robot to moan and groan for three minutes at a time.

A study says the best treatment for anxiety is going to a small, quiet room in your house. Which for most people with anxiety would be the bathroom with the medicine chest where they keep the Xanax.

A Japanese attempt to clean up space junk in the Earth’s orbit has failed. Mission Control knew there was a problem when they saw the satellite was still beaming back programming for the Home Shopping Network.

Texas Rangers have been called in to look for Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. They are also trying to solve a Missing Persons report that was filed on behalf of the Atlanta Falcons defensive line during the second half.

Texas Rangers have been called in to look for Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. The theft is going into the stats column as Brady’s second interception of the night.

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey is said to be worth as much as $500,000. Which means that it could be traded in next year for a pair of seats in the loge section on the 20 yard line.

Donald Trump says his plan for a replacement for Obamacare could be put on hold until next year. So as to not upset supporters that he promised to make it his first priority as President, he will just spend the next 11 months playing golf.

Donald Trump says his plan for a replacement for Obamacare could be put on hold until next year. Obamacare has been declared terminal so many times it is just a good thing it has had access to health insurance through Obamacare.

A report says 1 in 14 Catholic priests in Australia have been accused of child abuse. When the priests are threatened with being defrocked, the kids say that’s where the problems all started in the first place.

A criminal whose sentence was commuted by President Obama is back in prison after being caught with two pounds of cocaine. Apparently after serving 17 years of his sentence he just wanted to get out and party to celebrate his release.

A corruption tour bus in Mexico takes tourists on a ride to point out areas of graft in the country. The first example is when they are charged $150 in cash to take the tour and are given a bag they hold and give to a guy on the other side of the border.

NOAA says it will review a scientist’s claim that the agency manipulated climate data in order to eliminate a global warming “pause” for political reasons. The only problem with going over the data is that the original global warming report is no longer available as it burned up due to spontaneous combustion.

NOAA says it will review a scientist’s claim that the agency manipulated climate data in order to eliminate a global warming “pause” for political reasons. Donald Trump says if they don’t find the claims are correct it will be tough to perform any more reviews with the $5.97 he will give them in their budget next year.

Police in Minnesota threatened to make people arrested for DUI watch Justin Bieber’s Super Bowl commercial on the way to jail. Apparently the police know the suspect is drunk when they actually sit and watch through the entire video.

Washington State is considering an earlier date for primary elections to give voters a greater influence in the election. Which means if they want to beat everyone else, they should hold the 2020 presidential election primary sometime this June.

A Buddhist monk was caught hiding millions of meth pills in his monastery. The good news is that when he gets locked up it won’t be any different as he is already used to always wearing orange.

A University of Wisconsin student has abandoned efforts to form a pro-white group. Apparently he decided that the fact he was attending the University of Wisconsin made it pretty much redundant.

Donald Trump has vowed to defeat “radical Islamic terrorists.” Which he feels he can never lose as long as it doesn’t have involve taking the popular vote.

Several public universities are trying a new way to provide aid to boost the graduation rates for low-income students. Which shouldn’t be hard because most students don’t become low-income until they graduate and start looking for a job.

A New Jersey law will allow lottery tickets to be delivered by private courier. The only thing is, if someone can afford a private courier, do they really need to be playing the lottery in the first place?

The Super Bowl reportedly pulled in 111.3 Million viewers. Of which 42 continued to actually keep the game on past when the Patriots fell behind 28-3.

The Super Bowl reportedly pulled in 111.3 Million viewers. And out of all those people, not one saw what happened to Tom Brady’s jersey.

Nancy Pelosi is calling Donald Trump’s plan to dismantle the Dodd-Frank law a “massive con.” People were surprised. When it comes to massive cons, why leave out Trump University, Trump Casinos and Trump Airlines?

Uber has hired a NASA veteran to help them build a flying car. Which people on the street will see overhead and say “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh, it’s a Prius with wings.”

Dollar General says it will add 10,000 jobs this year. Financial experts were surprised. There are that many customers out there who still have a dollar to spend?

Dollar General says it will add 10,000 jobs this year. Which means Donald Trump’s slogan “Make America Great Again” will be altered to be more similar to President Obama’s slogan, “Hope that we can find some spare Change.”

Facebook and Google are stepping up efforts to combat fake news. At least that is what some reports that have been showing up on different Internet sites are saying.

With the average price of a vehicle now $35,000, an automotive insider in an interview says carmakers would “kill to cut a nickel off the price of a car.” Which finally explains why they keep installing all those airbags made by Takata.

A report says ingesting pet medications is sending more kids to the ER. Although that still isn’t as dangerous as trying to eat the last cookie on the plate that had already been called dibs on by the family pit bull.

Tom Brady has endorsed a $200 pair of pajamas that the company claims to work by reflecting infrared waves back to the body. Do you really need any innovations at bedtime when you get to sleep every night next to Giselle Bundchen?

Tom Brady has endorsed a $200 pair of pajamas that the company claims to work by reflecting infrared waves back to the body. Although most men aren’t sure about infrared waves. When they see Giselle Bundchen walk by they would rather have access to a pair of X-Ray specs.

A study says sleep shrinks the brain’s neural connections by up to 20%. Which offsets the swelling caused when their partner keeps smacking them in the head when they won’t quit snoring all night.

A marijuana compound has reportedly shown potential for treating opioid addiction. Mostly by getting the person to give up opioids when they instead get hooked on pot.

30 former NFL players have pledged to give their brains for research. The Atlanta Falcons have gone even further, saying they will donate their entire respiratory system for research on what causes massive choking.

30 former NFL players have pledged to give their brains for research. Even better is that Terry Bradshaw has already given his away, seeing as how he hasn’t been using it in the past 25 years.

Prince William says “we all” face struggles with mental health. Like with the Royal Family, always suffering anxiety when faced with the decision of whether to play polo, take a vacation on the royal yacht or fly to Australia for afternoon tea.

Prince William says “we all” face struggles with mental health. Like when Prince Charles wonders whether his mother is ever going to give up the Throne and if William will be figuring out how to be the one who gets to sit on it next.

The WWE will present the New England Patriots with a custom championship belt for winning the Super Bowl. Which is nice since the team doesn’t have anything else that might be a better reminder of their win like, say the Lombardi Trophy.

Model Miranda Kerr says she would not have another child until she and her fiancée are married. It’s nice to see someone go back to such old fashioned values with their life decisions.

Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefanie Germanotta has announced her world tour titled “Joanne.” If she had any more personalities, she would have to be given some royalties as being the basis for the movie “Split.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says he wants to focus on the issues, not on “Saturday Night Live.” Although at this point he is this close to being able to get a credit and be put on the payroll as a staff writer.

The Super Bowl has set a single event record with the amount of money brought in to StubHub. Apparently the ticket exchange made $50 Million by finding buyers for three seats on the 50 yard line.

Tom Brady says he is still planning on playing a long time. That’s no surprise. We’re talking about a guy who is still playing quarterback in the NFL at age 39 and just finished a Super Bowl that went 64 minutes.

Some Kobe Bryant memorabilia has been stolen from his high school near Philadelphia. Included were jerseys, a game ball and the high school class ring that was the first piece of jewelry he gave a woman to keep quiet.

Some Kobe Bryant memorabilia has been stolen from his high school near Philadelphia. The rarest memento was a game ball that actually had some fingerprints on it other than Kobe’s.

Facebook says there were 240 Million posts on the site during the Super Bowl. It is hard to believe there are that many people who were interested in seeing what Tom Brady ate for breakfast.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says Donald Trump doesn’t own a bathrobe. The creepy question to follow that up is how would he even know?

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says Donald Trump doesn’t own a bathrobe. He doesn’t need to. The man owns hundreds of hotels that he can just get a room in and steal one anytime.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That was quite a Super Bowl. A man who people said was too old who has a super model wife pulls out an improbably victory over an opponent that had it virtually locked up until the final minutes. It’s the first time we have had that kind of scenario since, oh about November 8th. Oh, well. At least this guy will take his trophy and disappear for the next six months. We should all be so lucky if someone else might do the same. Just sayin’…In the meantime, the good news is that football is over and baseball can’t be far behind. All I need you to do is to no matter what season it is, always keep on sending the love!


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