Sunday, February 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Severe weather has caused a vegetable shortage depriving Europeans of spinach and broccoli. To which Americans are saying maybe there is an upside to this climate change thing.

A Baltimore coffee shop that has recently been robbed several times is now refusing to take cash. Which has long been the policy of Starbucks where a large mocha latte instead requires taking out a second mortgage.

A Baltimore coffee shop that has recently been robbed several times is now refusing to take cash. When Yakov Smirnoff  heard the news he said “Usually in America coffee shop is place that robs you.”

A Pennsylvania casino was fined after serving a gambler 27 drinks in 9 hours. People were shocked. The casinos they go to make them wait 9 hours just to get a watered down gin and tonic.

 A Pennsylvania casino was fined after serving a gambler 27 drinks in 9 hours. People were amazed. How did someone gambling at a casino manage to still have any money left after 9 hours?

A survey says 40% of Americans say the election has hurt a close relationship. None more than the Clintons with Bill this close to helping Hillary finish packing to send her back to Washington, D.C.

The world’s oldest fiancée has gotten engaged in Brazil at age 106. She says she doesn’t want to go through a long engagement before getting married, which at her age is anything more than 20 minutes. 

The world’s oldest fiancée has gotten engaged in Brazil at age 106. Guests are being encouraged to bring neutral flowers in case the wedding ceremony turns into a funeral.

The world’s oldest fiancée has gotten engaged in Brazil at age 106. She will need something “new” and “borrowed” as she has already taken care of the “old” and “blue” herself.

The world’s oldest fiancée has gotten engaged in Brazil at age 106. When word got 0ut, people were confused. Isn’t Larry King already married?

Donald Trump ripped into the court that overturned his travel ban, calling out the “so-called judge” who made the ruling. To which people who voted for Hillary are now wondering what will be the next move for the “so-called President.”

A rare “cave squeaker” frog that was last seen in 1962 has reappeared in Zimbabwe. The species had disappeared for so long, people thought they all must have croaked.

A rare “cave squeaker” frog that was last seen in 1962 has reappeared in Zimbabwe. Mostly because hiding in a cave is still the safest place to be in Zimbabwe.

Tourists are reportedly not worried and are still flocking to Paris in the wake of the latest terrorist attack. Mostly because visitors there are much more worried about what could happen if they make a complaint to their waiter.

Vincent Viola, the owner of the NHL Florida Panthers has withdrawn from consideration for Secretary of the Army. That’s too bad. If he brought hockey to Florida, there is nothing he couldn’t convince our troops to be able to do.

Vincent Viola, the owner of the NHL Florida Panthers has withdrawn from consideration for Secretary of the Army. Apparently some people were worried that the standard soldiers’ weapon would be converted from the M16 to the slap shot.

An article compares now to the last time the Atlanta Falcons were in the Super Bowl. Instead of hackers, the worry with computers in 1999 was Y2K. Fans at the game watched the field action instead of taking selfies and Hillary Clinton was getting ready to leave the White House instead of canceling the movers for the trip back.

A study says older women living in an area with a high concentration of smog are more at risk of dementia. The study doesn’t mention that those same women are also at risk in areas with clean air mostly because they are older.

A tax preparer in Louisiana is being accused of illegally inflating clients’ refunds. The news came as a surprise to many. There are people in Louisiana who still have an income?

 A tax preparer in Louisiana is being accused of illegally inflating clients’ refunds. Apparently it had something to do with letting them deduct the cost of their white sheets as a business expense.

A study says 5 Million American jobs depend on Mexico. Mostly the Americans who are working at the factories that make bongs and ZigZag rolling papers.

A study says 5 Million American jobs depend on Mexico. The good news is that Donald Trump’s border wall will push that number to 10 Million.

The FCC says it will end its zero-rating review with wireless carriers. Apparently their was a lot of confusion with the practice. When people heard “FCC” combined with “zero ratings” they assumed it had something to do with CNN.

Several groups are speaking out against a proposal to let new doctors work 28 hour shifts. Especially when it is done because their patients are sitting in the office for 26 of those hours waiting to be called for their appointment.

Several groups are speaking out against a proposal to let new doctors work 28 hour shifts. What’s worse is that hospitals are now trying to figure out how to cram an extra four hours into each day to make it work.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says it is his job to revive the American dream. Which in his case was becoming a billionaire by selling a ten cents worth of coffee to Americans for $5.80 a cup.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says it is his job to revive the American dream. Which would be a lot easier for people to achieve if they weren’t spending half their income on a daily large mocha latte.

Nordstrom has dropped Ivanka Trump products because of “poor performance.” The only problem for many Americans is that they will have to wait nearly four more years to drop her dad for the same reason.

Nordstrom has dropped Ivanka Trump products because of “poor performance.” People were surprised. There are Trump supporters who shop Nordstrom?

Scientists say they have found the reason for misophonia, a condition that makes some people find certain noises unbearable. The cure is to tell those people to stop listening to radio stations that play Kanye West, Britney Spears and Justin Bieber.

Scientists say they have found the reason for misophonia, a condition that makes some people find certain noises unbearable. Although the one sound that really makes most people cringe is when they hear “This is CNN.”

A report says the price has doubled for Narcan, the drug used to treat heroin overdoses. Pharmaceutical companies figure if they can’t get in on the sales for heroin, they may as well make a profit getting people hooked on the cure.

A study says that couples who are both obese have a harder time conceiving. Mostly because when the woman says she is “hot and ready” her husband becomes less interested in sex and more interested in going to Little Caesar’s.

A study says doctors trained abroad are better at their jobs. Mostly because they get more experience than doctors trained in the U.S. who only see patients suffering from obesity, drug abuse and gunshot wounds.

A study says pregnancy may affect a woman’s risk of future heart problems. Especially after they give birth and their child eventually becomes a teenager.

A study says high school kids are abandoning sweetened drinks and sodas. Apparently they prefer the more direct effects of drinking their alcohol straight without a mixer.

A study says that dangerous chemicals have been found in one third of fast food packaging. Which is still better than the dangerous chemicals that are found in the other two thirds of fast food meals.

Donald Trump’s doctor says he is taking a drug to prevent losing his hair. People were shocked. He wants to actually keep what’s up there?

A play based on the book “1984” is ready to make its stage debut. At this rate Donald Trump is going to be asking for a cut of the royalties from George Orwell’s heirs for all the money he is generating for them from movies, books and now on Broadway.

A play based on the book “1984” is ready to make its stage debut. When people heard 1984 was coming to Broadway, they thought it meant a revival of “Cats,” “Dreamgirls” or “Chess.”

Steve Harvey is reportedly looking for a crisis manager following a series of scandals. Unfortunately his first pick of Sean Spicer already has his hands full working for someone else.

Steve Harvey is reportedly looking for a crisis manager following a series of scandals. Which could be handled much more efficiently and cheaply with just a well placed strip of tape put over Harvey’s mouth.

Bruce Springsteen told an audience in Australia he is “embarrassed to be American.” The real problem is it isn’t any better when he identifies himself as being from New Jersey.

The NCAA has agreet to pay a $208 Million settlement in an antitrust case claiming the value of college athletes’ scholarships was capped. The athletes would have even had a better court case if any of them had actually ever graduated.

The Boston Celtics have passed the L.A. Lakers as the NBA’s winningest team with 3,253 victories. The Lakers are in second with 3,252, four of those wins coming in the past three seasons.

The Boston Celtics have passed the L.A. Lakers as the NBA’s winningest team with 3,253 victories. The way things are going for the Lakers, in another five years they should be passed by pretty much every other NBA team.

A 17th century “shopping list” has been discovered in an attic in the UK. The list calls to pick up some bread, milk and a dozen leeches to help ward off the plague.

A 17th century “shopping list” has been discovered in an attic in the UK. The list consisted of several ingredients along with the notation “What? Haggis again?”

A poll says Hawaii tops the list of the happiest states for the sixth consecutive year. The question is, what possibly happened seven years ago that could have knocked living on an island paradise below any other state?

A poll says Hawaii tops the list of the happiest states for the sixth consecutive year. Apparently has finally recovered from the trouble it had moving up the list for several years because of that whole Father Damien Molokai leprosy thing.

A poll says Hawaii tops the list of the happiest states for the sixth consecutive year. Alaska finished in second, which explains a lot. The two happiest states just happen to also be the ones farthest away from Washington, D.C.

The State Department has complied with a judge’s reversal of President Trump’s travel ban and is allowing barred travelers to enter the U.S. Which most Americans are supporting as long as the ban still pertains to Canada and Justin Bieber.

A report says taxpayers covered nearly $100,000 in hotel bills for Secret Service agents who accompanied Donald Trump, Jr. on a business trip to Uruguay. Although according to strict governmental policy, the agents now have to pick up the tab for their own hookers, booze and cocaine.

Lawyers for Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo are complaining of his treatment, saying he is locked in his cell 23 hours a day, his wife is not allowed to visit him and he can only call his lawyers. It’s like they’re treating him like he’s some kind of criminal.

Donald Trump says Arnold Schwarzenegger did a bad job as governor and was worse on “The Apprentice.” To which most Californians are saying in Schwarzenegger’s case, weren’t they pretty much the same thing?

Did you see the Super Bowl comeback by the Patriots over the Falcons? For once the sound of air escaping wasn't from Tom Brady in the football room, it was the Falcons giving each other the Heimlich Maneuver.

The Patriots beat the Falcons in Super Bowl 51 in Overtime. Apparently it was Patriot's owner and Donald Trump friend Robert Kraft who is behind the White House move to appeal new rules about who gets paid for working OT.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had a really strange feeling the other day. I felt that just for a moment it was like Big Brother was not watching everything I was doing. But then the red light on my computer started flashing and I realized my intuition was misguided again. I realize it is all good, and that we need to be watched constantly to protect us from whatever it is that we are in danger from. I will continue to behave and follow orders, just as I hope you will not fall out of line and remember to always keep on sending the love!


1 comment:

Kto said...

Great mate, I found a best site for kids jokes # worth if checking