Friday, February 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Rampaging protesters set fires around UC Berkeley to protest a talk by alt-right commentator Milo Yiannopoulos. Which means when Donald Trump says he wants to take America back to when it was great, apparently that means turning the clock back to 1967.

A report says that Johnny Depp was spending $30,000 a month on wine. To keep him out of financial trouble, his managers told him to put a cork in it.

A report says more movie theater chains are installing bars to sell alcohol to pad their profits. Which means every film can now be advertised as a twin bill featuring “The Hangover.”

A report says more movie theater chains are installing bars to sell alcohol to pad their profits. Mostly for people who want to drink away the thought that they just forked out $8 they will never get back to watch an Adam Sandler film.

The White House says that Donald Trump’s remarks about sending troops into Mexico were “lighthearted.” Which would be OK with most Americans as long as he was also kidding about the wall, travel bans and taking away health care.

The White House says that Donald Trump’s remarks about sending troops into Mexico were “lighthearted.” Looking back at his attacks at the media, political opponents and business rivals, when has Trump ever said anything lighthearted?

The White House says that Donald Trump’s remarks about sending troops into Mexico were “lighthearted.” They say we will know he is serious when he starts talking about sending soldiers to China, North Korea or Iran.

A report says the NFL bases its Super Bowl host cities on their ability to cater to the ultra-wealthy. Which the definition of the super-rich is anyone who can actually afford to travel to and buy tickets to see the Super Bowl.

A report says the NFL bases its Super Bowl host cities on their ability to cater to the ultra-wealthy. Meaning the people who travel to the site in a private jet, driven by a limousine to the stadium and ushered into their private suite where they can watch the game on TV.

A new dating app helps people find love based on what they hate. Which turns out for most people is wasting all their time thinking they are going to find a worthwhile match using dating apps.

A 79 year old British man claims he has slept with 2,084 women. He says he still feels so good that with some luck next year he may try for number 2,085.

A 79 year old British man claims he has slept with 2,084 women. When he heard the news, Gene Simmons said “Dad?”

A study says fake news had no effect on the presidential election. Mostly because the phony news reports turned out to be nowhere as interesting as what was really taking place.

Donald Trump says a travel ban on Muslim countries is necessary to ensure religious freedom in the U.S. Which finally explains why the number one selling book in the country is “1984.”

Scientists say the purpose of sleep is to help us forget. Which is good news for the millions of Americans have been trying to do just that ever since November 8th.

Scientists say the purpose of sleep is to help us forget. Which is just the opposite of what happens for men when they are caught by their wife sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A report says super sonic passenger jets may be making a comeback. Which is great news for people who can now make it from New York City to their hotel in London including traffic, airline delays and security checks in just under 23 hours.

An article in the Wall Street Journal says the idea of independent contractors is putting an end to the idea of the traditional full-time employee. And who better to know about the end of being an employee than someone working at a newspaper?

The new head of the Department of Homeland Security says the wall along the border with Mexico could be built in under two years. Although if Americans could really build a wall that fast, foreign laborers wouldn’t be a threat in the first place.

British singer Vera Lynn is set to release a record album at the age of 100. The only problem will be with being able to play it on its format of 78 rpm on a Gramophone.

Protests surged across Romania as the government weakened its anti-corruption laws. People were surprised. They had anti-corruption laws on the books in Romania?

Protests surged across Romania as the government weakened its anti-corruption regulations. Others were just happy that for once they know government officials will now be acting in the confines of the law.

Donald Trump says “nothing is off the table” when dealing with Iran. The only problem is that he then picked up the table and threw it out the window.

Donald Trump says “nothing is off the table” when dealing with Iran. Which is different than what concerns most Americans that the country is going off the rails.

Chipotle profits went down sharply as the restaurant chain is spending money to recover from food scares. The worst part is that when business at Chipotle is down, it hurts other businesses. Like dropping the patient count at the ER at area hospitals.

Howard Stern says Donald Trump will hate being President and that it could be “detrimental to his mental health.” To which most Americans are saying “Same here!”

Howard Stern says Donald Trump will hate being President and that it could be “detrimental to his mental health.” To which people are saying “You mean it could get even worse?”

A report says Americans are socking away retirement funds at record levels. Mostly because they have more time to do it since they know they won’t actually be financially ready to quit working until they are 93.

Mexicans are threatening to boycott American goods to protest the proposed border wall. Which means if they aren’t going to come over and buy anything we make, why do we need the wall in the first place?

Sharp metal pieces in some smokeless tobacco has prompted a recall. Although most medical experts say the metal fragments are still healthier for users than the smokeless tobacco.

Astronaut Scott Kelly reportedly grew two inches while on the International Space Station for nearly a year. The news prompted Tom Cruise to commit to a remake of “The Right Stuff” on location 23,000 miles in space.

Donald Trump says he wants the FDA to speed up drug approvals, which the agency says can’t get any faster. To which Trump is proposing reclassifying anyone with a prescription from “patient” to “Guinea pig.”

Lady Gaga says her Super Bowl Halftime show will be “for everyone.” Which means instead of a meat dress, she will be wearing one that also includes tofu, vegetables, fruit, grains and dairy.

A musical based on the movie “Groundhog Day” is giving away tickets to their first preview next month. Which may be a sign that audiences won’t be having to live through a second day of performances after their opening.

A musical based on the movie “Groundhog Day” is giving away tickets to their first preview next month. It’s the one where it isn’t over until the fat woodchuck sings.

Matthew McConaughey says it is time for Americans to embrace Donald Trump as our President. Which seemed more than appropriate coming from someone whose career started with a role in “Dazed and Confused.”

Britney Spears had a wardrobe malfunction during a concert in Las Vegas. People were surprised. When did underwear start being considered “wardrobe”?

Britney Spears had a wardrobe malfunction during a concert in Las Vegas. People were surprised. Although it wasn’t as scary as the thought of her voice track malfunctioning and making the audience hear her try to sing for real.

Donald Trump boasted about his TV ratings when he was still hosting “The Apprentice.” What’s even more remarkable is how he singlehandedly brought the total viewership at CNN to more than four people.

The NBA has announced its participants in the 2017 Taco Bell Skills Challenge. What does that mean, spectators have to watch a power forward put together a Chalupa?

The NBA has announced its participants in the 2017 Taco Bell Skills Challenge. Although it is going to be tough during the All-Star Week after President Trump’s travel ban to put up a bunch of posters saying “Make a run for the border.”

The NFL players union is saying the league should pay its cheerleaders fairly. To which the league is defending its low salaries, saying it’s not like their job calls for them to eat or buy any clothes to cover themselves up.

The NHL’s Chris Pronger fined himself $5 for slamming Justin Bieber into the boards during an exhibition game. The good news is that it was the first hit for Bieber since 2009.

Mike Ditka blasted “a-hole” journalists hounding Tom Brady about his friendship with Donald Trump. The President immediately weighed in, admonishing Ditka and saying it was his job to call journalists a-holes.

AT&T is set to launch its first 5G wireless networks this year in Austin and Indianapolis. Which means hopefully for their customers in all the other cities, it will be just a matter of time before they are upgraded from their current 2G.

A study says the dinosaurs died a cold, dark death. To which fans of the Cleveland Browns are saying “Tell us about it.”

A study says the dinosaurs died a cold, dark death after the Earth collided with an asteroid. Which people should remember when they fill up their car with petroleum products and crank up the heater and take a quick cruise around the city.

The White House says it will issue new sanctions on Iran in the wake of their missile testing. The only question is, what can we possibly deny giving to Iran that they don’t already have to do without?

The CEO of Uber has stepped down from a Trump Economic Advisory Council after being criticized by opponents of the President. The question is how is someone going to help the economy running company giving rides to people who can’t afford a cab by drivers who can’t find a real job?

Donald Trump has vowed to end the ban of churches from making political donations. That would violate the adage of “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and unto God what is God’s.” The problem is that Trump is having trouble figuring out if he is God or Caesar.

Donald Trump has vowed to end the ban of churches from making political donations. The only problem will be figuring out how to get any of those TV evangelists to part with any of the cash they keep raking in every week.

The Senate scheduled a 6:30 AM Friday vote to advance the nomination of Betsy DeVos as Education Secretary. The move was immediately criticized as a sham. When are there ever any Senators at work at 6:30 AM or on a Friday?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am glad it is Friday. That goes without saying. But this has just been a long and not fun week so I am ready to enjoy the weekend, which includes Super Sunday. It’s always nice to park it in front of the TV for the Super Bowl and watch 400 commercials and the first half where the game actually still matters. Hopefully the game will supply me with some material for Monday’s blog. That all depends if anyone can actually catch Tom Brady in the act. Until then, I’m just asking that you always remember to keep on sending the love!



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