Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Oscars Best Picture mishap is being called the biggest disaster in Academy history. Which means that James Franco and Anne Hathaway are finally off the hook.

The Oscars Best Picture mishap is being called the biggest disaster in Academy history. The only thing missing was Kanye West being the one to grab the Oscar and say that the wrong winner was chosen.

Gael Garcia Bernal gave a speech at the Oscars against building a wall. The Hollywood crowd was in total agreement, except for when it comes to building walls around their Beverly Hills enclaves to keep out all the deplorables.

Trump supporters in New York City says it feels like they are at the Alamo. Which is ironic because that was the battle where the Mexicans won by tearing down the walls.

Trump supporters in New York City says it feels like they are at the Alamo. Which must be an uncomfortable way of life for both of them.

Tech workers in Silicon Valley say they are “scraping” to get by even with six figure salaries. To which Mark Zuckerberg says if they get a good education and work hard to get a job like his that pays a livable ten figure salary.

A report says the French presidential election is turning ugly, with political attacks mounting between candidates. Which shows that we really have a lot more in common with France than people are willing to admit.

A report says the French presidential election is turning ugly with political attacks mounting between candidates. Who could have guessed that the French had the propensity to exhibit bouts of rude behavior?

A tech industry CEO says supersmart robots will outnumber humans in the next 30 years. Which means not only will the robots take our jobs, but their kids will be getting all the good college scholarships.

A tech industry CEO says supersmart robots will outnumber humans in the next 30 years. Just think how easily supersmart machines will be able to enslave us if we are already subservient to our phones that are just regular smart.

A judge has ordered California to release papers discussing the dangers of cellphone radiation. Which is still nothing compared to the risk of cellphone obsession causing people to crash their cars, lose their jobs and have their marriages end in divorce.

George W. Bush says power is addicting which is a reason to have an independent media. Which is a surprise coming from a President who wasn’t criticized for trying to grab power as much as just being completely incompetent.

A study says that having sex uses all 657 muscles in the body. At least for women. Men still pretty much use the experience to work only one.

A study says that having sex uses all 657 muscles in the body. To which men say it is all that work that when they are done causes them to immediately roll over and fall asleep.

A study says 84% of all wildfires in the U.S. are caused by people. The other 16% are suspected to have been set by Smokey the Bear in trying to get his job back after being laid off because of Donald Trump cutting the Forest Service budget.

61 year old former Olympic champ Olga Korbut has sold off her Olympic medals because of financial problems. Not everyone is lucky to have a retirement plan that was set up back when they were 10 years old.

A nursing home in New York was evacuated after some World War II grenades were found in a refrigerator. They were discovered when one of the residents complained that the pineapples were awfully hard.

A lawsuit says several automakers knew that the Takata airbags they were using were unsafe. Although in Chrysler’s defense, they didn’t think their cars could ever go fast enough to cause the bags to deploy in an accident anyway.

A report says a Price Waterhouse partner tweeted from backstage at the Oscars minutes before the Best Picture mixup. The bad part is he tweeted “Best awards show in history. Other presenters are sad!”

Takata has pleaded guilty to fraud and will pay $1 Billion in fines in their faulty airbag case. The problem was their defense was about as airtight as one of their bags.

A study says students get a poor return from an online education. Mostly because students going through online colleges can’t make the really big money only available to those going to school on an athletic scholarship.

A study says students get a poor return from an online education. After all, how many high ranking executives have you ever heard about bragging of the degree they got through Trump University?

A report says the ratings for this year’s Oscars fell 4% from last year. That’s just based on whether anyone believes Nielsen is as accurate with their figures as the people at Price Waterhouse.

Warren Buffett is offering $1 Million a year for life to any of his employees who get their NCAA brackets correct going into the Sweet 16. Mostly because after the tournament that person will be the one he uses to pick all his stock investments.

Price Waterhouse could take a hit after their Oscar Best Picture mixup. The good news is that Donald Trump has already contacted them to be the ones to represent him at his next IRS tax audit.

McDonald’s says they are looking at ways to influence “sustainable” beef. Although at this time, the only time McDonald’s meat is credited for sustaining anything, it is the American obesity epidemic.

McDonald’s says they are looking at ways to influence “sustainable” beef. For one thing, they can continue to sustain the production of their beef as long as they never use more than two ounces of it in any single hamburger.

Youtube has topped 1 Billion hours of video watched every day. Which is good to know that our kids are doing something with their time besides playing video games, watching streaming programming and sending text messages.

A report says a janitor with San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transit made $270,000 in pay and benefits last year. Apparently he is really cleaning up.

A report says a janitor with San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transit made $270,000 in pay and benefits last year. To which the management of the transportation company justifies it by saying “Have you ever ridden on one of our trains?”

A report says a janitor with San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transit made $270,000 in pay and benefits last year. Which means he now makes enough to afford to live in a studio apartment in the East Bay.

Cadillac aired a commercial during the Oscars which was aimed at uniting a “divided nation.” Although it doesn’t bring people together when they show their typical customer is Oscar winner Matthew MacConaughey driving around in an Escalade.

Warren Buffett says it is “unlikely” he will vote for Donald Trump for President in the next presidential election. Mostly because it depends on if by then Trump will still allow political races to be decided by letting people go to the polls to vote.

United Airlines has added a Chicago to Champaign flight as part of a domestic push. Also because it will be the only time anyone will ever mention “Champaign” and “United” in the same sentence.

United Airlines has added a Chicago to Champaign flight as part of a domestic push. Although passengers’ luggage will still have an international feel when it somehow ends up in France.

The Trump Administration is re-evaluating self-driving car guidance. Which is ironic as they are no problem taking their hands off the wheel while the country is going completely off the rails.

The number of U.S. wineries is now almost up to 10,000. Mostly because of the tremendous demand for alcoholic beverages ever since the November election.

The number of U.S. wineries is now almost up to 10,000. The good news is that as many as three of those are actually reporting a profit.

The number of U.S. wineries is now almost up to 10,000. To those who said the industry would never take off in this country, vintners are saying it’s just a case of sour grapes.

Experts are saying an early spring can be bad for people’s health. Especially for the people who are attacked by a group of rodents when they comment about how wrong the groundhog’s forecast was this year.

Spain has appointed a Minister of Sex to reverse the nation’s plummeting birth rate. Which is helping to bring our nations closer as the minister has already turned to the U.S. get some ideas and suggestions from Bill Clinton.

Spain has appointed a Minister of Sex to reverse the nation’s plummeting birth rate. The first problem is that the men would rather spend their Saturday nights instead of chasing women being run down and gored in the streets by rampaging bulls.

Doctors are saying that legalized marijuana presents a health threat to children. Not from smoking it but because their stoner parents keep just ordering pizza for the family dinner every night.

Doctors are saying that legalized marijuana presents a health threat to children. Although the real question is what the difference is between getting high and sitting on the couch watching TV, playing video games or taking selfies all day?

Experts are sounding an alarm to the threat of mental health from unchecked global warming. Mostly from people’s fear of going into a movie theater and seeing the main feature is another sequel to “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Experts are sounding an alarm to the threat of mental health from unchecked global warming. Mostly men afraid that their wives constant complaining of how hot it is could be a sign of early menopause.

A study says having kids can wreak havoc on women’s sleep habits. Apparently the researchers doing the investigation are single men.

A study says having kids can wreak havoc on women’s sleep habits. The only question is, did they really need a study to know that?

Judge Joseph A Wapner from “The People’s Court” has died at age 97. He was the last TV judge people were able to watch with sound higher than “mute.”

Victoria’s Secret Angel Adriana Lima says “The church is in me.” Which makes perfect sense to the men who have a religious experience every time they look through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

Victoria’s Secret Angel Adriana Lima says “The church is in me.” To which most men are asking “So how does one go about becoming a church?”

Major League Baseball says it may start using a “tacky” cover for baseballs so pitchers can get a better grip on the ball. It’s the first time “tacky” and “baseball” have been used together since those 1980s San Diego Padres team uniforms.

Major League Baseball says it may start using a “tacky” cover for baseballs so pitchers can get a better grip on the ball. That will make it easier for pitchers who will no longer have to hide emery boards, sandpaper and pine tar in their uniforms.

A startup wants to build a cashless economy in the Philippines. The good news is that it will be easy to get things started for most the Filipinos who have been cashless ever since the Marcos dictatorship.

A British boat captain who used an iPad as a compass crashed into a cargo ship. Unfortunately, it turns out the cargo ship captain was using an iPhone as a sextant.

A British boat captain who used an iPad as a compass crashed into a cargo ship. Apparently he had taken it out of “compass” mode and was using it at the moment of impact to play “Candy Crush.”

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is planning to fly two paying customers around the Moon next year. Is that a good idea? Musk is also the person who owns Tesla that makes those electric cars that have trouble going around the block without catching on fire.

Donald Trump’s is calling for the EPA’s budget to be cut by 25%. Which doesn’t look good for one of his campaign promises as that was the money the environmental agency was going to use to drain the swamp on Capitol Hill.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, that Oscar mixup is a real mess. The good news is that Marisa Tomei can now at least say her Oscar win was legit. Apparently the accountants in charge of the vote were thinking “La La Land” but were really in “La De Da Land.” Oh, well. We all make mistakes. Like those of you who actually got this far in the blog. Live and learn. But just remember to keep on always sending the love!


No comments: