Friday, February 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says obsession with social media is hurting the mental health of Americans. But so far, mostly just the ones who follow Donald Trump every day on Twitter.

A study says obsession with social media is hurting the mental health of Americans, with half saying they check their smartphones constantly. Mostly because that and text messaging is the only way they can actually ever have a chance at communicating with their kids.

A report says New York prison inmates spend their time texting, gaming and streaming behind bars. Corrections purists are concerned it could do away with the inmate craft of fashioning shivs to use on cellblock informants.

Donald Trump reportedly has an open door policy in the Oval Office for his staff. Apparently he got the idea after seeing the Secret Service working with an open door policy when it comes to the White House gates and front door.

A study says chronic stress is linked to a large belly. And vice versa, when fat people are worried if they stretch their pants too far the button may fly off and hit someone in the eye.

Researchers claim they have developed a formula that when injected can give women better orgasms. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “alcohol.”

A federal judge in Ft. Collins, Colorado says the city can’t enforce a ban on women going topless. Which gives a whole new meaning when men say they are going to go out and look at some of the local mountain peaks.

A federal judge in Ft. Collins, Colorado says the city can’t enforce a ban on women going topless. Which at least makes up some for having to look at all the men who insist on walking around without a shirt.

A report says UFO sightings are at an all time high. Which is probably not a coincidence that it happens right after several states legalize recreational marijuana.

The Arctic “doomsday” seed vault has just received 50,000 new seed deposits to safeguard against disasters wiping out the world’s food supply. Although it turns out the latest donations are just different strains of now legalized pot.

The Arctic “doomsday” seed vault has just received 50,000 new seed deposits to safeguard against disasters wiping out the world’s food supply. They just have to be careful when calling for seed donations not to confuse people into thinking it’s a sperm bank.

Mexico’s foreign minister vented his “irritation” with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Which is a good start as that is the nicest thing Mexico has said about the U.S. since Donald Trump’s inauguration.

A report says manatees may be taken off the endangered list. Fortunately for the aquatic mammals, they aren’t as tasty as halibut.

Russia is denying allegations they were involved in a failed coup in Montenegro. They chided the world press, saying they should leave the fake news reporting to the experts in the Kremlin.

A study says having a roommate can save Millennials 13% of their income. To which most Millennials point out they can save 100% of their income by staying where they are in their parents’ basement.

Coco-Cola says it supports WHO guidelines limiting added sugar. The only problem is that they will ignore then since they support their shareholders and profit margin just a little bit more.

Coco-Cola says it supports WHO guidelines limiting added sugar. But they won’t change a thing as they also support contributing towards the success of the American Dental Association.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. The reason they have chosen to go with the TV spot is because no one would see it if they printed it in a newspaper.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. Although if the Academy Awards was interested in the truth, they would have taken back the Oscar they gave to “The Artist” for Best Picture years ago.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. Apparently they picked the Academy Awards because they think the truth is only really important to white people.

A study says more Americans are feeling positive about China than they have in the past three decades. Mostly because since Donald Trump was elected President everyone is now scared to death of what the Russians are going to do.

A study says more Americans are feeling positive about China than they have in the past three decades. Mostly because without that “Made in China” label, half of everything we own would completely cease to exist.

A study says five servings of fruit and vegetables a day can lead to a longer life. To which most Americans are already complying if you count the vegetables on top of their pizza and the fruit used in making their wine.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. Just ask any inmate on death row waiting for that last minute reprieve.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. Especially for men whose wives catch them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. The problem is being able to be that understanding towards neighbors, friends and relatives who voted for Donald Trump.

A study says it is healthy to cry over TV shows. Especially for people who realize they just wasted a half hour of their life watching “Two Broke Girls,” “The Kardashians” or “Teen Mom 2.”

A study says two thirds of all people getting prescriptions to treat opioid addiction are also receiving more opioids during and after treatment. Apparently even rehab centers base their success on being able to generate repeat customers.

A study says it’s not excess weight that can be deadly for older women but where it collects. It can be even more deadly for their husbands when they tell them it is collecting on their backside.

A study says heartburn drugs are associated with the risk of kidney damage. Whichever pharmaceutical company is making those drugs needs to give a whole new anatomy chart to their R&D department.

A study says heartburn drugs are associated with the risk of kidney damage. What’s even worse is when they are prescribed along with Carter’s Little Liver Pills.

A study says smartphones are stressing out Americans. Especially the people who are forking out $200 a month for a plan with AT&T that hasn’t let them go without being dropped in the middle of a phone call for the past three years.

A study says smartphones are stressing out Americans. Especially men who know it will cost them half of what they own if their wife ever figures out how to unlock their text messages.

A study says smart teens are the most likely to smoke pot. Which is good news for the parents who can now brag to their friends when they see their kids passed out on the couch covered in pizza sauce.

A study says smart teens are the most likely to smoke pot. Mostly because they are the ones who are able to figure out where their parents are hiding their stash.

Robin Thicke’s ex-wife is accusing him of tampering with evidence in their child custody case. What did he do, bring home the wrong kid?

Robin Thicke’s ex-wife is accusing him of tampering with evidence in their child custody case. Apparently the court documents were full of blurred lines.

A life-sized Kanye West statue was erected in L.A. Special permission had to be granted to build it in public view because at least as far as Kanye is concerned, it represents a religious work.

A life-sized Kanye West statue was erected in L.A. Although it is already generating complaints since it is life-sized and the head keeps blocking out the Sun.

The stars of TV’s “Flip or Flop” have put a hold on a self-help book called “Flip Your Life” in the wake of their impending divorce. Apparently the book may have to wait until they remarry other people and they can change the title to “Flip Your Wife.”

A poll says a majority of Donald Trump’s supporters don’t want politics to be brought up at the Oscars. They think angry rants have their proper place. Mostly on the POTUS Twitter account.

A poll says a majority of Donald Trump’s supporters don’t want politics to be brought up at the Oscars. Not because of their beliefs but so the show can be cut down from four hours to fifteen minutes.

Rihanna has been named Harvard’s Humanitarian of the Year. Mostly for not going out and buying a gun to shoot Chris Brown.

Rihanna has been named Harvard’s Humanitarian of the Year. Apparently there were no missionaries, first responders or traveling doctors who did any of their usual work this year.

Lance Armstrong’s $100 Million trial with the federal government is set for November. The good news is that if he loses, it’s not like he needs to have enough money to buy a car to get around.

H&R Block is using Artificial Intelligence from IBM’s Watson to help prepare tax returns. The problem is the only deductions Watson is recognizing is money spent on new modems, memory and optical drives.

Youtube has taken down video feed of a giraffe about to give birth because of “nudity.” The zoo claims it is too expensive to buy clothes for the animals. Have you ever tried to look up the price of just getting one a turtleneck sweater?

Google says it is developing Artificial Intelligence to end abusive online comments. Which could be done a lot easier by just eliminating the space where Facebook users can make comments.

Caitlyn Jenner says Donald Trump’s reversal of transgender bathroom guidelines “a disaster.” How bad is it when even someone from the Kardashian family is questioning your judgment?

A GOP congressman from Florida says Donald Trump should release his tax returns. To which Trump says he will just as soon as that audit is finished up sometime after the 2020 election.

A bill in the Illinois state legislature would create a Barack Obama Day. Republicans say they are in support of the measure, and have even come up with a day they feel would be perfect. February 29th.

The White House is promising greater enforcement of federal marijuana laws. Mostly because they have more time on their hands now that they have stopped enforcing any laws about banking,  labor or the environment.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has voiced support for private prisons. Mostly to make more room for any of the Senators who voted against him at his confirmation hearing.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has voiced support for private prisons. What better way for Americans to be able to invest in the future of this country than help bankroll where today’s teenagers will be spending most of their adult years?

President Trump says he is “not liking” recent military moves between North Korea and China. Mostly because if there is going to be another World War, he wants to be the one getting things started.

Mitch McConnell says he doesn’t see the press as the enemy. Mostly because he has a much bigger foe in all the hosts on late-night TV.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt is being sued by Oregon environmentalists. Political experts were surprised. They can’t believe that Pruitt made it through almost his entire first week on the job before being hauled into court.

Donald Trump tweeted that Chicago needs help because of recent violence. It’s just too bad that he isn’t in some sort of position of authority and leadership where he actually had the power to do something about it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What a week it has been, I just keep cranking them out. 58 jokes for today, with four of them actually considered somewhat humorous. Not to brag, but the others while not laugh-generating are grammatically correct. So I’ve got that going for me. I am glad you keep checking out the blog, and I always get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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