Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Two police officers wearing harnesses to prevent suicide attempts will be stationed on the George Washington Bridge. Although most attempts to jump off the bridge ended when Chris Christie finally stopped closing it mid-day for traffic studies.

A panda bear at the Washington, D.C. National Zoo has been shipped off to China on a plane in a crate loaded with snacks of bamboo shoots, apples and sweet potatoes. Or as United Airlines calls that, the new “basic economy” flight.

A study says Millennials are the most narcissistic generation ever. Just think how impressed they would be with themselves if they weren’t living in their parents’ basement and working for Uber.

A study says Millennials are the most narcissistic generation ever. Mostly because their main role model was growing up watching Donald Trump on “The Apprentice” and then seeing him get elected President.

The Houston Police Department says the thief who stole Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey is facing 5-99 years in prison along with a $10,000 fine. The good news for the thief is they will be able to have their inmate ID number as “12.”

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Which is good news for their partners who get to enjoy the experience which goes all the way to four minutes.

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Which brings up the question what woman wants to have sex a long time with a fat man?

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Although most of that is taking a time out in the middle to try to catch their breath.

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Although it is hardly romantic when that time is spent reaching over to grab another slice of pizza off the nightstand.

Some women in Japan go to clubs to find men they can give their money to in order to show them attention, flirt and have sex with them to make them feel wanted. We’ve had that over here in the U.S. for quite awhile. It’s called Match.com.

 The Air Force says it is short 750 pilots as of the end of 2016. If they lose another 100 they will be on a par with United Airlines.

A report says the price of crude oil could drop as low as $30 a barrel soon. To which the people who were in the George W. Bush Administration are cheering, saying “the War in Iraq finally worked!”

Colorado is considering a bill that would allow legal pot deliveries. Which could be done by giving the job to Domino’s Pizza delivery people as a way to cut out the middleman.

Colorado is considering a bill that would allow legal pot deliveries. The only problem is when the drivers start skimming some of the product and they take six days to find the address.

A physics teacher at a high school in Buenos Aires says she was threatened to be shot if she didn’t pass an entire physics class. The good news is that if the threat is carried out, the teacher and the bullet would show those kids how the laws of physics really work.

A physics teacher at a Buenos Aires high school says she was threatened to be shot if she didn’t pass an entire physics class. Remember when kids tried to get on the good side of the teacher by putting an apple on their desk instead of a 9MM bullet?

StubHub says it is rebranding itself by enhancing the experience of people at live events by providing additional activities and entertainment. Remember when it was enough just to buy a ticket for an event and just enjoy the event?

A report says Australia is the top destination for millionaires, with 11,000 of them moving there in 2016. Mostly because it’s easy to hold onto their cash when only paying to subsist on a diet of Vegemite and Foster’s Lager

A report says Australia is the top destination for millionaires, with 11,000 of them moving there in 2016. Mostly a group claiming royalty status who made their money off Internet marketing in Nigeria.

Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart after making remarks that seemed to support pedophilia. He should have stuck to what got him where he was, being racist, misogynistic and hateful towards immigrants.

Donald Trump’s first weeks as President have reportedly caused anxiety and political arguments at work. People are longing for the days when employees spent their time in the office engaging in sexual harassment, bad-mouthing the boss and going online to look for another job.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. To which Donald Trump laughed, saying he has him beat by at least eight years.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. He sends in a return every year, right after filling out the forms in his refrigerator box home in Central Park.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. To which half of America is saying they don’t pay any taxes either, but just going back to the last time they had an income in 2007.

A report says one third of all American adults don’t have anything put away in a 401(k) account, with the average couple only having $5,000 in any retirement savings. Which is fine as they really don’t need to start saving until they are in their 70s if they want to hit the new retirement age of 93.

UPS says it will expand its ground deliveries to Saturday to compete with the Post Office. Although the difference is that the Post Office still has Saturday delivery to try to catch up with the packages that were mailed back in 1985.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Apparently it is there way of helping inner city residents get more sleep and not being awakened by every drug deal that goes bad.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Mostly because there is nothing worse than being in a movie theater during a mass shooting and not being able to hear the dialogue over all the gunfire.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Now if they could just get the victims to stop screaming when they are shot, it will be much more peaceful for the people who have to live in high crime areas.

American Airlines has started selling its new “basic economy” no frills fares. It means lower prices but no access to overhead compartments, no assigned seating and no onboard snacks. Or as United Airlines calls that, a First Class upgrade.

Wells Fargo has fired four senior executives in the wake of their scandal over fake accounts. The executives weren’t actually fired for their part in the scandal, it appears that they were really let go for parking in the space reserved for the CEO.

Urban Outfitters is selling a shirt with the AOL logo for $45. Which is ironic as the same shirt would have just been delivered to anyone who had tried to order it online using AOL back in 1998.

Yahoo has salvaged its deal to be bought by Verizon with a $350 Million discount. Which will be a real bargain when it is used along with the 50% discount coupon for Yahoo that Verizon just found on Groupon.

Yahoo has salvaged its deal to be bought by Verizon with a $350 Million discount. That drops the price to around $4.5 Billion, which is exactly the same amount most Verizon customers pay for a deal with no contract and purchase of an iPhone.

A study says testosterone gel does not improve men’s memory. Mostly because any woman knows that an increase in male hormone is even more likely to make men forget to ever call back.

A new test will see if a vaccine against insect-borne illnesses can be made from mosquito saliva. The hard part is getting a sample for the vaccine by emptying out all those tiny little mosquito spittoons.

Former teen heartthrob David Cassidy says he is living with dementia. The sad part is that he wishes he could make everyone else forget he was on “The Partridge Family.”

Former teen heartthrob David Cassidy says he is living with dementia. The worst part is losing his home and having to live in the back of that psychedelic bus.

A report says a growing number of heavy pot users are developing a rare illness that causes vomiting and abdominal pain. Not from the pot use but afterwards eating eight pizzas, three boxes of Oreos and five bags of Doritos.

A study says having regular diet coaching can help keep weight off. What does a diet coach do, follow fat people around yelling “Don’t eat that!”?

A study says acupuncture may help with treatment of migraine headaches. Mostly by taking the patient’s mind off their headache after having a hundred needles stuck all over the rest of their body.

Lindsay Lohan says she was racially profiled because she was wearing a headscarf. Up until now she had only been profiled against being allowed inside a club or renting a car because she was Lindsay Lohan.

A judge has ordered rapper Chris Brown to stay away from his ex-girlfriend. Now if the court system could only do something to protect his current and future girlfriends.

A report says films in 2016 had a record number of female leading roles. Mostly as a way for the movie studios to spend only 78% of what it cost in previous years for actors’ salaries.

Simon Cowell reportedly spent $12,000 on his son’s third birthday party. Mostly for the photographer who was there to take unlimited pictures of Cowell walking around in a tight black T-shirt.

Cricket player Ross Taylor had a record breaking 102 not out, his 17th century limted-overs internationals as New Zealand scored 289-4 batting first. In doing so, he surpassed the record of 16 ODI centuries for New Zealand. What?

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been valued by Houston Police at $500,000. Which means there probably won’t be any charges pressed if they catch the thief, as Brady would be ashamed to have anything in his home worth that little.

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been valued by Houston Police at $500,000. Which may not be accurate, as it has to be taken into account that in Texas a black velvet painting of Elvis is valued at $350,000.

Major League Baseball is changing the rule for intentional walks, going to a hand signal from the dugout. Which is not to be confused with how the Minnesota Twins call for an intentional walk, by signaling to send someone in from the bullpen.

Kobe Bryant’s agent, Rob Pelinka will reportedly be named the new GM of the Lakers. After representing Bryant all those years, the first thing he will have to get used to is the idea that there is actually more than one player on the court.

NASA scientists say they want Pluto classified as a planet again. Mostly just in case one of their rockets accidentally hits it and they can then call it a successful mission.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. Now that weed is legal in most western states, they will also start changing the pages to be printed on actual Zig-Zag wrappers.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. The move has already started and is expected to be finished by sometime around 2032, give or take five years.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. The reasons for the move are putting the magazine closer to more readers, easier distribution and because that is where In-N-Out is headquartered.

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice for more accurate weather forecasts. Although if a ship is permanently stuck in the ice, the forecast is pretty much always going to be “cold.”

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice. Or they could have just waited for the next Carnival Cruise Line excursion headed to Alaska.

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice for more accurate weather forecasts. Although thanks to global warming, they may have to be satisfied with surrounding it with Arctic water just slightly cooler than room temperature.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another productive day for me. Oh, yeah I also wrote these jokes. But there are a lot. Hopefully you can find one that doesn’t make the rest of it seem like quite a waste of your time. Just remember that all I ever ask for is for you to always keep on sending the love!


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