Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says some historians are citing similarities between the election of Donald Trump and that of Andrew Jackson. Mostly where Trump considers that America was at its greatest back in 1828.

A report says some historians are citing similarities between the election of Donald Trump and that of Andrew Jackson. The difference is that most Americans have no idea who Andrew Jackson was since they haven’t had a $20 bill in their wallet since 2007.

A report says some historians are citing similarities between the election of Donald Trump and that of Andrew Jackson. For one thing, if you look at Jackson’s portrait even back in 1828 he was wearing the same haircut as Trump.

A report says a majority of Americans are confident that the upward trend of the economy will continue. Apparently people feel good about how they are doing because it is so easy to find lots of others who are still doing worse.

A report says Russian President Vladimir Putin could be the world’s richest person with a personal wealth of $200 Billion. Which finally explains why Donald Trump has spent the past few years trying to cozy up with him.

A traffic study says L.A. is the world’s most clogged city. The worst part is the study was completed ten years ago but took a decade to deliver the final report from the San Fernando Valley to downtown L.A. via the 405 Freeway.

A study says drivers in California spent 104 hours driving in peak periods of congestion last year. That doesn’t even include the people who haven’t gotten home yet from the traffic snarl on the Harbor Freeway since June.

A study says drivers in California spent 104 hours driving in peak periods of congestion last year. The good news is they can use that time for Facebook posting, texting and taking selfies that they would otherwise spend at home Facebook posting, texting and taking selfies.

Conan O’Brien has gone on a goodwill tour of Mexico. If all goes well you will soon be able to see him running around dressed like a bumblebee in the Saturday night skit programming on Telemundo.

Donald Trump has named Gen. H.R. McMaster as his new National Security Adviser, replacing Michael Flynn who was fired after 24 days on the job. This time, Trump is telling him to not make any effort to communicate with Russia until at the least the paint dries on his nameplate.

Donald Trump has named Gen. H.R. McMaster as his new National Security Adviser, replacing Michael Flynn who was fired after less than a month. The good news is that Trump is creating jobs, already named two people to the same position.

Donald Trump has named Gen. H.R. McMaster as his new National Security Adviser, replacing Michael Flynn who was fired after 24 days on the job. Apparently Flynn needed his own adviser to advise him on how to keep a job for longer than a month.

A 5th grader called a local police department in Ohio for help with their math homework. The child was told the only arithmetic they need to know is that when someone calls 911, it could result in 10 to 20.

A 5th grader called a local police department in Ohio for help with their math homework. The police were at least able to offer help in knowing that if you have 180 doughnuts it works out to exactly 15 dozen.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says the U.S. will stay in Iraq awhile. How bad is it when we don’t even have a timeline that uses months, days or years to say when we will finally be getting out of there?

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says “We are not in Iraq to seize anybody’s oil.” To which everyone is now scratching their heads asking then what was the reason we went there in the first place again?

Russia has overtaken Saudi Arabia as the world’s top crude producer. Although it’s tough to beat Hollywood with new films coming out from Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell when it comes to the biggest output of crude.

Pentagon officials say Russia’s actions are a test for the new administration. Which in turn, the new administration’s actions seem pretty much like a test for the patience of U.S. voters.

A former female engineer at Uber is accusing the company of systemic sexism. Although how seriously is a woman really going to take any improper sexual advancements from a guy working at Uber?

A Jeep stuck in a sand dune at Cape Cod for 40 years is finally going to be removed. Apparently they expect to have some progress after finally telling the driver to stop gunning the engine.

A report says Alabama leads the nation in employee engagement. Which means the workers there have no problem with cleaning the Slurpee machine without even being asked.

Mark Cuban says robots will cause unemployment to increase. And who could use some automation more than someone who owns a basketball team with a 38 year old center that is 12 games under .500?

Chipotle says the wait times for digital orders has been cut by half. Apparently they have just eliminated the middle man and make all their online deliveries by ambulance.

A study says a majority of parents with kids at home don’t lock up their prescription opioids. Mostly because with a bunch of kids running around the house, they don’t want to waste a second after getting home to have immediate access to their stash.

An underwear maker claims their briefs protect men from a lower sperm count from cellphone radiation. The same manufacturer is also marketing a walkie talkie for men who prefer to go commando.

A study says doctors who find meaning in their work are less likely to suffer from burnout. Although if you can’t find meaning in curing people and keeping them from dying, maybe it’s time to start selling used cars.

A report says post election stress disorder is striking people on both sides of the political aisle. The good news is that Donald Trump is at least keeping his campaign promise of bringing all Americans together.

A study says that losing one’s eyesight is on top of the list of worst things that can happen. Except for people who wish it would have happened before they sat down inside the theater to watch an entire Adam Sandler movie.

Kris Jenner says filming reality shows was like therapy for Kim Kardashian after she was robbed in Paris. Which is a coincidence for all the people who feel they need therapy after wasting so many hours of their life watching “The Kardashians.”

Kris Jenner says filming reality shows was like therapy for Kim Kardashian after she was robbed in Paris. The irony is that out of the entire family, Kim is probably the one who is the least likely to need any long term psychotherapy.

Leah Rimini says Tom Cruise could singlehandedly put an end to Scientology. Mostly because he is pretty much the last celebrity who still actually belongs to the church.

Leah Rimini says Tom Cruise could singlehandedly put an end to Scientology. Although more people would like to see him put an end to the “Mission: Impossible” franchise.

Ryan Seacrest’s Beverly Hills home was the scene of a fire earlier this week. Fortunately, no one was home at the time. Where was Seacrest? Out.

Ryan Seacrest’s Beverly Hills home was the scene of a fire earlier this week. Apparently the fire started when Brian Dunkleman forgot to unplug the floor polisher when he finished with the upstairs rooms.

Ivanka Trump’s fragrance is the number one seller on Amazon. Apparently it is a big hit at the White House as the best scent to mask the odor of corruption and abuse of power.

Ivanka Trump’s fragrance is the number one seller on Amazon. Which isn’t such a big deal when you realize the second biggest selling fragrance with people who do their shopping on Amazon is Aqua Velva.

Lindsay Lohan says she wants to play Ariel in the live action version of “The Little Mermaid.” Many movie fans would like to see that also, as long as the film ends with her being caught in a net and processed into a can of tuna.

San Francisco 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan says the team will be patient in looking for a franchise quarterback. So far the only such quarterback they have an option on is Johnny Manziel and unfortunately his franchise is 7-Eleven.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly spoken with CBS CEO Les Moonves about speeding up games. So far they are looking at a suggestion from the Atlanta Falcons to institute a 25 point rule in the Super Bowl.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly spoken with CBS CEO Les Moonves about speeding up games. One suggestion is shorter commercial breaks. The only problem is it takes at least six thirty second commercials for most men to get up off the couch, use the bathroom, grab another beer and make an order to Domino’s.

McDonald’s has hired an engineering firm to create a high-tech straw to streamline the full experience of drinking a Chocolate Shamrock Shake. Which was easier than trying to streamline the customers who get hooked on Chocolate Shamrock Shakes.

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr reunited in the studio to record some songs over the weekend. Actually, they only worked together on Saturday because by Sunday Yoko Ono had already broken them up again.

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr reunited in the studio to record some songs over the weekend. Apparently they feel they need to do more work to make sure they preserve the legacy of the Beatles.

Samsung has dropped from 7th to 49th place on a corporate reputation report. They would have finished lower but fortunately the Galaxy Note 7 exploding phones still put them a cut above Sea World, VW and FIFA.

Samsung has dropped from 7th to 49th place on a corporate reputation report. The sad news is that people wouldn’t have minded their Galaxy Note 7 phones blowing up if their operating system was based on Windows 10.

Apple has bought the startup RealFace for its facial recognition technology. The question is, why does Apple even need facial recognition technology when all their iPhones are ever used for is taking selfies?

A study says a strain of salmonella may have wiped out the Aztecs. No one had any idea that Mexico had any Chipotle franchises going back that far.

The United Arab Emirates says it wants to build a city on Mars within the next 100 years. If nothing else so they could live in a place where they aren’t killed every month when they get the air conditioning bill.

The United Arab Emirates says it wants to build a city on Mars within the next 100 years. And who better to assemble a city in an uninhabitable environment than the people who built Dubai?

Samsung says it is trying to win back customers through extensive smartphone testing. Although it doesn’t look good that they are now marketing a special pocket to hold the Galaxy Note 7 which is placed on the sleeve of their bomb-proof suit.

Samsung says it is trying to win back customers through extensive smartphone testing. Although it doesn’t comfort people much when every time the company sends out a text it starts with “Fire in the hole!”

A study says life’s building blocks have been found on the dwarf planet Ceres. The only problem is being on a dwarf planet means the environment can only pretty much support a population of little people.

Colorado Democratic Governor John Hickenlooper says he won’t rule out a 2020 run for President. In fact, he is already gearing up by sending out daily insulting tweets to everyone he knows.

A report says 20% of dams in populated areas lack an emergency plan. Mostly because when a dam in a populated area fails, it is pretty much already too late to do anything.

Rory McIlroy played 18 holes of golf with President Trump in Florida this week. The good news is that McIlroy won the match. The bad news is it was all a sting by the INS to capture and deport the non-American back to Northern Ireland.

Mike Pence says he and Donald Trump support a free and independent press. Which they can remain as long as they have enough money to keep on posting their bail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have really been cranking out the jokes the past couple of weeks. Of course, I have a lot of help from the White House and Congress, but this is also a lot easier and cheaper than sitting in a therapist’s office. Which I also do on occasion. Of course, my motto with comedy has always been quantity over quality. Because it’s easier. But I figure if I throw enough stuff out there, something has to stick eventually. And all I ever ask for is that you all remember to make sure and always keep on sending the love!


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