Thursday, February 02, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A lawsuit against his former managers reveals that Johnny Depp was almost ruined financially by his lavish spending. To which movie executives are saying now he knows what it was like for them to bankroll “The Lone Ranger.”

A lawsuit against his former managers reveals that Johnny Depp was almost ruined financially by his lavish spending. He claims his managers illegally took his money through contingent fees. Which coincidentally was also the plot for the to the sixth “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie.

A report says young elites in Silicon Valley are not investing in art. Apparently they are good with developing computer programs that save them millions by just replicating all the great works by the masters.

Researchers say a single gene can add an inch to a person’s height. To which Tom Cruise says it’s a tradeoff that at least he got the genes for good hair and big teeth.

A study says that social media makes people anti-social and jealous of others. Which means social media would be a lot better for everyone if it weren’t so social.

A study says that social media makes people anti-social to the point where they will go to harmful lengths to get “likes.” As opposed to the days before computers where putting oneself at risk to be popular was called “high school.”

A study says eating vegetable oils can lead to fatigue, migraines and dementia. The good news is that when it gets to the dementia part, at least it makes people forget the other two.

A study says eating vegetable oils can lead to fatigue, migraines and dementia. It was better before when people who consumed a lot of fried foods just had to worry about getting fat.

A small town mayor in Texas has come out as transgender. Although in Texas, being transgender pretty much just means any man who isn’t wearing cowboy boots.

The Idaho GOP is pushing a bill banning Islamic law from state courts. As opposed to traditional law in Idaho which is based on the premise of “He needed killin.’” 

Former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson is the nation’s new top diplomat. Which is making the Middle East very nervous in knowing that the person in that they won’t be sure if the person they are negotiating with is trying for a Nobel Peace Prize or to increase the value of his company’s 401(k) stock portfolio.

National Security Adviser Michael Flynn says Iran has been “put on notice.” He didn’t give specifics on what that meant, other than the next step will be if they don’t cooperate they will be put on double secret probation.

Donald Trump has told Senate Republicans to “Go nuclear” on his Supreme Court nominee. Which he later took back, saying instead that is what he meant to tell them about his policy in dealing with China.

Millions of Charter Cable customers have lost the Univision Spanish language channels because of a disagreement over fees. Which means in this case what is usually called going dark is now known by Charter customers as going Oscuro.

Millions of Charter Cable customers have lost the Univision Spanish language channels because of a disagreement over fees. Which is really going to make customers mad who are paying good money on their cable bill and not being able to watch a man run around in a bee costume screaming in Spanish.

Millions of Charter Cable customers have lost the Univision Spanish language channels because of a disagreement over fees. This is even worse than when Donald Trump was threatening Univision with building a wall around their studios.

A Super Bowl indicator says when the AFC team wins, the stock market usually goes down. Once again, a Tom Brady win could come with accusations of deflation.

A report says Donald Trump’s travel order could hurt the tourism industry. Especially for the millions of people who after two weeks of his presidency are planning on moving to another country.

A Donald Trump golf course in Florida has been ordered to pay former members $5.7 Million in a lawsuit over dues. To which Trump is trying to instead settle with the golfers with an equal value payout of loud, plaid polyester pants and Polo shirts.

Wells Fargo is holding up severance payments to 400 laid off workers because of a settlement with bank regulators. Apparently the money will be given out just as the bank can locate the fake accounts where they hid it.

A report says this year could bring a bacon shortage. The good news is that without bacon in their diet in 2017, many Americans will have a chance at living to see 2018.

University leaders across the country say they are against President Trump’s travel ban. Mostly because foreign students are the only ones who actually have enough cash on hand to pay their tuition bills.

A study says soccer heading is linked to symptoms of concussion. Which is still not as bad as the concussion symptoms from spectators who bang their heads against the wall after watching a three hour match end in a 0-0 tie.

A study says soccer heading is linked to symptoms of concussion. Which is still not as likely to cause head injuries as being hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a soccer hooligan.

A study says fast food containers are made of risky chemicals. The good news is the toxic materials are still healthier for humans than the ingredients inside the food.

A study says fast food containers are made of risky chemicals. Mostly to strengthen the packaging in order to keep the food inside from eroding all the way through.

A coroner’s office in Ohio is running out of room for bodies because of so many drug overdoses. It’s getting so bad that to keep corpses from rotting, makers of opioids are being asked to help by changing the formula to include some preservatives.

A study says women who sleep better enjoy sex more. Especially the ones who combine the two and while having sex with their husband manage to get in a three minute nap.

A study says e-cigarette users are linked to potential heart problems. The electronic cigarette industry is tackling the issue by making the batteries that operate vaping devices compatible with the ones users will soon be needing for their pacemakers.

Bob Dylan is set to release a triple album. It will consist of three identical records so that after listening to three different versions of the same song, some people may actually be able to understand some of the lyrics.

George Orwell’s “1984” is topping USA Today’s bestselling book list. Which means after all this time it is finally getting the interest of the 50 year olds who never actually completed the assignment to read it in their junior year of high school.

Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones, recovering from a sprained toe says he will be “100 percent rolling” in the Super Bowl. Which is concerning team officials who haven’t heard that term used since Ricky Williams was still playing.

Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue says he “regrets” downplaying the seriousness of concussions in 1994. And domestic violence, drug use, PEDs, gun violations, DUI…

A 2015 interview with Donald Trump quotes him as calling NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell “a stupid guy.” Goodell says the report doesn’t bother him, and that he hopes President Trump enjoys the Super Bowl from the presidential section, which has now been moved to row YY in the upper deck of the end zone.

Former Chargers running back LaDanian Tomlinson has been chosen as the honorary starter of the Daytona 500. Tomlinson will wave the green flag that will start the race, which fans in San Diego are hoping will be run at about the same speed they would like the rest of the team to get out of town.

San Francisco 49ers GM John Lynch says he held secret negotiations before taking the job to make sure there were “no leaks.” Apparently he has never looked at any game films of the team’s offensive line.

Astronomers say for the fourth time this year, an object has passed closer to the Earth than the Moon. To which NASA is asking its engineers, “Why can’t we do that?”

The former CEO of Twitter says he wishes he did more to prevent abuse on the platform. His excuse is that he was already gone from the company when they gave out a Twitter account to Donald Trump.

The former CEO of Twitter says he wishes he did more to prevent abuse on the platform. Which immediately resulted in him getting several insults, death threats, and hackers breaking into his account to shut him down.

H&R Block will be using IBM’s Watson to help prepare tax returns. The only problem is that Watson is facing 10-15 years in federal prison for its part in getting a refund this year after doing tax returns for Wesley Snipes.

Homeowners are suing RPM Lenders over their home loan rates. Apparently they didn’t realize that RPM was short for RiP eM off.

A study says malicious ads were found in 1 out of every 250 web pages. People were shocked. There are 249 out of every 250 pages on the Internet that are not online porn sites?

The “Madden NFL 17” video game has predicted the Patriots will beat the Falcons 27-24 in the Super Bowl. While the game has a good track record at picking the winner, it is almost always spot on with how long it will take John Madden to completely consume an entire turducken.

Facebook says it now has 1.86 Billion monthly active users. Although “active” is hardly the word most people would use to describe people who sit on the computer all day looking to see what their friends ate for breakfast.

A study says people who earn more money are likely to overspend on unnecessary purchases with their credit cards. Which is a little bit different from most people who aren’t making enough money and are overspending on just trying to get by.

A study says fish pee when they see another fish in their territory. Which is just another reason why despite the health issues more people are drinking more soda and passing on the water.

Google has taken over as the top brand in the world. Although Apple says they want a recount as the information in which company is worth more was done using a Google search.

Donald Trump’s former doctors says Trump is taking a hair growth drug. Which is apparently his way of bringing down prices from drug manufacturers when he is a living example of how the people using them are definitely not getting their money’s worth.

A report says Melania Trump may stay in Manhattan and not move into the White House. Which could otherwise become known as the Washington, D.C. version of “Green Acres.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You know, we really live in a great country. I just wanted to make that part of the record so one day I could go back into the archives and see I still thought that as of this date. We’ll see how long that lasts. In fact, we’ll see how long this blog lasts with the current state of government and business getting into our minds and making sure we all think the same. I hope in the meantime we can all keep our sense of humor about things because that is what helps up through these radical departures. So, tell all your friends about this site and let’s make sure that we push to keep our freedoms and our ability to laugh at ourselves, and more importantly at others. It’s more fun that way. But above all, make sure that you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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