Sunday, February 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Ted Nugent and Kid Rock are considering a run for Republican Senator from Michigan in 2018. Although if the two square off against each other, “primary” will refer to their combined reading level.

A report says Ted Nugent and Kid Rock are considering a run for Michigan Republican Senator in 2018. Early polling puts Kid Rock in the lead as voters just want to see “Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy” go into the Congressional Record.

A report says Ted Nugent and Kid Rock are considering a run for Republican Senator from Michigan in 2018. Although it could be a tough entry into politics these days as neither of them have any real experience in reality TV.

A private detective in Colorado claims to solve cases with his psychic powers. The only problem is that he loses every case when he says “Evidence? What evidence?”

A private detective in Colorado claims to solve cases with his psychic powers. That and by figuring it out watching old reruns of “Matlock.”

Hollywood is already closing down some streets a week ahead of the Oscars with traffic backed up for miles. Which means drivers could get angry if anyone ever actually notices the difference.

Apple will reportedly start manufacturing iPhones in India. The Chinese are furious. How dare an American company take jobs from China and outsource them to India?

Donald Trump held a campaign event in Florida on Saturday. Apparently he has no plans to stop running until he can finally claim victory in the popular vote.

Some states are pushing for the end of Daylight Saving Time. Also supporting the move is Washington, D.C. where they will find it to their advantage to keep everyone in the dark.

A survey says that half of all Germans who intended to travel to the U.S. won’t do so because of Donald Trump. How bad is it when even the Germans are protesting a leader who is too authoritarian?

A survey says that half of all Germans who intended to travel to the U.S. won’t do so because of Donald Trump. Although the idea of traveling Germans makes some people nervous, especially those who were around Czechoslovakia back in 1938.

100 pounds of pot was found hidden in mesquite firewood at the Mexico border. That would have been one barbecue where there were no leftovers of any kind.

A report says border agents searched 23,000 laptops and cellphones in 2016. Apparently they feel they have a better chance at seeing some fully nude pictures that way than what they get putting travelers through the naked body scanners.

A report says border agents searched 23,000 laptops and cellphones in 2016. Because sometimes it takes watching 23,000 different cat videos and vacation theme park photos in order to catch that one terrorist trying to slip through.

Police helped a 100 year old Massachusetts man who had a lottery ticket stolen. Which was really unnecessary since after living to 100 he has pretty much already beaten the odds.

Police helped a 100 year old Massachusetts man who had a winning lottery ticket stolen. The only problem is that after buying the ticket and walking home, it was already past the six month expiration date.

Scientists say they have discovered a new mostly submerged continent called Zealandia. Which means Donald Trump will amend his executive order for a travel ban to deny entrance into the U.S. by any sea creatures with a Zealandian passport.

Scientists say they have discovered a new mostly submerged continent called Zealandia. The good news is that since it is already submerged, Carnival Cruise Line has already put the location on its new itinerary as a port stop.

A report says robots could be used to help chronically ill children attend school. Although the bad part for the sickly kids is when in order to make it an authentic school experience, the robots are programmed to give them a daily wedgie.

Pokemon Go is adding dozens of new monsters to the game this week. They would have had them sooner but apparently there was a problem getting them all past the immigration check points.

China has granted Donald Trump a trademark for his name in the construction industry there after a decade of trying. Which shows how massive their bureaucracy is. How many other people named “Trump” could there be in China?

Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan was given a 25% raise last year to $20 Million. Apparently the board rewarded him for going nearly eight straight years without crashing the world economy.

Boeing is back on Donald Trump’s good side, inviting him to attend the unveiling of the new 787 jet. They gave him First Class treatment at the event, meaning he had a seat he could actually fit in along with snack bags that had more than three peanuts.

A lawsuit claims the chicken industry is cheating customers through price fixing. Mostly because they know they have the American consumer by the McNuggets.

A lawsuit claims the chicken industry is cheating customers through price fixing. They just get together and keep coming up with ways of giving us the bird.

McDonald’s is hoping to lure customers by giving longtime menu items a facelift. The only problem is that people who eat there enough also end up needing a facelift, along with liposuction and a tummy tuck.

A report says online dating is up 35% since Donald Trump won the election. Mostly immigrants who know the only way they will ever be able to stay here is by marrying an American.

Mark Zuckerberg wrote a 5,700 word letter about the danger of isolationism. Mostly for someone who became one of the world’s richest people by having a billion people he can call “friends.”

Some antibiotic-resistant superbugs are going to be sent to the International Space Station on a rocket. Although if they are really “superbugs” shouldn’t they be able to fly up there by themselves?

Some antibiotic-resistant superbugs are going to be sent to the International Space Station on a rocket. How good must those astronauts feel knowing it’s being done so if it kills them all it’s not like they will be coming back to infect the rest of the planet.

Some antibiotic-resistant superbugs are going to be sent to the International Space Station on a rocket. The only problem is making sure the astronauts are able to treat the bacteria with the utmost gravity.

Schools have been closed due to an outbreak of the Norovirus from Rhode Island to California. The good news is those students are now all prepared to apply for a summer job working on a Carnival cruise ship.

A court has ruled doctors in Florida can talk to their patients about guns. Which is important seeing as that the reason 90% of their patients have scheduled an appointment is for treatment of a bullet wound.

A study says the “love hormone” Oxytocin helps dads bond with their babies. Which will never be broken until the time the child asks for $20 and the car keys.

A study says doctors tend to prescribe antibiotics if their patients expect them. Which brings up the question if that is how they run their practice, then what is the whole point of them having to go through that medical school thing?

A study says random acts of kindness can make a marriage happier. Like when the bride just signs the prenuptial agreement without bothering to read it first.

A study says random acts of kindness can make a marriage happier. Which for most men means when their wife goes to work all day, takes the kids to school, fixes dinner, cleans the house, does the laundry…

A survey says 57% of Americans are suffering from post-election stress. What’s worse is that the other 43% are still trying to get over the elections of 1968, 1972, 1976, 1980…

A survey says 66% of Americans are worried about the future of the country. To which most psychologists are trying to calm them down by assuring them the way things are going, we have another year or two left at the most.

A study says parents still lose sleep worrying about their grown children. Which is needless since most of them are still right downstairs living in their basement.

A study says parents still lose sleep worrying about their grown children. Mostly because after graduating college with their tuition loans to pay off and the only available jobs paying minimum wage, that’s when their problems are just starting.

A study says that yoga can help in a patient’s recovery from surgery. Although if most hospital patients were in good enough shape to do yoga, they probably wouldn’t need to be having surgery in the first place.

Derek Jeter’s wife Hannah Davis was stuck in an elevator in Manhattan for 30 minutes before she could be rescued. Wouldn’t you know those were the only doors in New York City that being Jeter’s wife couldn’t get opened?

A study says that Hollywood diversity initiatives need to extend to age. Although there has been a lot of progress done already. Like the fact the city now a Botox clinic on virtually every corner.

A study says that Hollywood diversity initiatives need to extend to age. Although it is hard to win an Oscar at 40 when after 30 the only roles offered are “dead body.”

Padres pitcher Christian Bethancourt says he wants to become the first player to pitch and catch regularly in the majors. Although with an 85 MPH fastball, Tim Lincecum could actually be the first to pitch while playing catcher at the same time.

A new dating app matches people on what they hate. The only problem is that most of them are disqualified when the thing the detest is people who lie on their dating site profile.

A new dating app matches people on what they hate. It works the best when it is able to pair up a misanthrope with a self-loather.

Texas is threatening the NFL to pass a law requiring players to stand during the National Anthem. Which is ironic since the dispute started over Texas trying to pass a bathroom bill that would require transgenders to stand at the urinal.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is receiving protection from federal marshals after some encounters with protesters. Although most teachers say she would already know how to defend herself if she had only worked a few months in a public school.

Donald Trump is interviewing candidates to replace Michael Flynn who resigned as National Security Advisor after less than a month. Which at this rate means during his first term he will only have to be doing this another 47 times.

A report says Donald Trump’s nominee for Navy Secretary is on the verge of withdrawing. One criticism is that Philip Bilden was never actually in the Navy. Which means Trump should have no such problem with his back up choice, the sailor from The Village People.

The blind Sheikh who masterminded the 1993 bombing of the World Trace Center has died in prison. The attack might have taken a turn if the conspirators had chosen someone who didn’t take three hours to find and light the fuse.

Bill Gates says that job stealing robots should be taxed like humans. Which would be handled by a brand new tax firm called H&R Blockhead.

Bill Gates says that job stealing robots should be taxed like humans. Which means that Al Gore would finally have to hand over some of the royalties he has made for narrating and acting in his own films.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Academy Awards are less than a week away. That gives most people a chance to know which are the best movies to mark down that they can watch when they are available on Netflix in two years. As opposed to the snobs who actually have the $8 it takes to get in to watch them in a theater. The only problem is that the Oscars lose a significant share of their audience who think they are watching the Academy Awards when they hear all the political speeches and don’t realize they have tuned in to C-SPAN. I just hope you remember to thank me as well as the producers, actors, writers, agents, managers, family members and everyone else in your acceptance speech and when you take the time to make sure to always keep sending the love!


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