Friday, February 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump railed against the media during a news conference, saying he is not given credit for “inheriting a mess.” As opposed to how he never mentions the fact that he would not be where he is if he didn’t also inherit his personal fortune.

The CEO of Twitter is comparing the mood in the U.S. to the Arab Spring. The only difference is that the Arab Spring actually included some Muslims.

The student government at the University of Wisconsin-Madison is demanding free tuition for all black students because of their treatment during slavery. Which is great news for the three black students who have actually applied to the University of Wisconsin.

A study says dogs are less likely to interact with people who are acting rude or unfriendly towards others. Which may be true. When is the last time you saw a Frenchman walking a dog through your neighborhood?

A national “day without immigrants” protest closed many shops and restaurants on Thursday. Not to be outdone, an upcoming “day without billionaires” is threatening to completely shut down Washington, D.C., Wall Street and every private airport.

Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus is embarking on their final tour. Apparently the circus just can’t compete with what is going on with Congress, the White House and the media.

Donald Trump says his administration is running like a “fine tuned machine.” Although the machine that comes to mind so far in the first month is one that will be very good at shredding paper.

Donald Trump says his administration is running like a “fine tuned machine.” Which so far appears to be a machine that is very good at just doing a lot of spinning.

Hillary Clinton unveiled stamps honoring designer Oscar de la Renta. Republicans are still hoping that Clinton finds a designer who can outfit her in a line featuring horizontal black and white stripes.

A 7 year old girl from England wrote a letter asking Google for a job. The company wrote back telling her to keep following her dreams and that maybe when she is old enough to get a job Google may actually be hiring women.

A 7 year old girl from England wrote a letter asking Google for a job. The company said she should follow her dreams, and in the meantime has she tried applying with Nike?

Automakers are hoping to get a break from the Trump Administration over fuel economy standards. They say it’s tough to make a car that gets 40 miles a gallon when it is hauling around four people who each weigh at least 300 pounds.

Payless ShoeSource says it is closing 1,000 stores as it edges closer to bankruptcy. Mostly from the fact that no one needs to buy shoes when the farthest distance they ever walk anymore is from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

The United Auto Workers Union is preparing a “buy American” ad campaign. Which means buying cars that still have that one part, the knob on top of the gear shift that is still actually made in the U.S.

Donald Trump gave a news conference where he says drugs are “cheaper than candy bars.” To which every American who is struggling to pay their prescription medication bills is asking “Which pharmacy is that again?”

Donald Trump gave a news conference where he says drugs are “cheaper than candy bars.” Which after looking at most Americans, maybe it might be time to raise the price of the candy.

Two women were caught smuggling horse genitals inside juice boxes at a Virginia airport. They were caught when airport security realized that wasn’t a straw sticking out of the box.

Two women were caught smuggling horse genitals inside juice boxes at a Virginia airport. They were caught when airport security became suspicious of the boxes that were labeled “Capri Sun Sea Biscuit.”

An Ohio brewery is offering a week of “paw-ternity” leave to any employees adopting a new dog. The idea came from the company’s newly appointed CEO, Spuds McKenzie.

The NFL and CBS are discussing ways to make games shorter. The first suggestion is saving all kinds of time by telling announcers not to say anything dumb.

The NFL and CBS are discussing ways to make games shorter. To which the Atlanta Falcons are suggesting they end the games after the first half.

A report says U.S. household debt climbed its highest in a decade last year, up to $12.6 Trillion. It’s getting bad when even Congress is asking Americans if they have ever heard of a budget.

A report says U.S. household debt climbed its highest in a decade last year, up to $12.6 Trillion. Which is good news because it’s a sure sign the economy is recovering when Americans surge even deeper into the red.

A report says flu-related doctor visits are down 48% because of the flu vaccine. The other 52% are going to see their doctor not for the flu but just because it will be the last time they will be able to do it after President Trump drops their Obamacare. 

Families and lawmakers are demanding transparency after a drug manufacturer raised the price of a Muscular Dystrophy medicine to $89,000. Although some are saying transparency with Big Pharma is unnecessary because everyone can see right through them.

Scientists in the UK have come up with an algorithm that can predict who will go bald. To which men are asking instead of figuring out who it will affect, why aren’t they spending their time looking for a cure?

Scientists in the UK have come up with an algorithm that can predict who will go bald. Which will give those men the go-ahead to just start getting fat and spending any free time with their male friends going to see the latest “Star Wars” movie.

Scientists in the UK have come up with an algorithm that can predict who will go bald. Apparently they turned their attention to the top part of the head once they figured it was a waste of time determining the few who would keep their teeth.

A psychiatrist says that Donald Trump is not mentally ill, just unpleasant. The only question is will either of those conditions make him any less dangerous to have his finger on the Nuclear Button?

A study says the most attractive female lips are where the upper lip is half the size of the lower. The least attractive are the ones with a cigarette dangling from them while covered in Big Mac sauce and leftover Krispy Kreme donut crumbs.

A study says the most attractive female lips are where the upper lip is half the size of the lower. Although that doesn’t apply when the upper lip is half the size of the lower lip which has been inflated by Botox to the size of an inner tube.

More states are allowing “dental therapists” who can pull teeth and fill cavities. The “therapist” part comes in when patients need to see one after they realize that by not seeing a real dentist they no longer have any teeth.

More states are allowing “dental therapists” who can pull teeth and fill cavities. Although patients need to be careful when they see the dental tool tray only holds a pair of pliers and a Black & Decker cordless drill.

A report says couples are freezing their private parts in order to have better sex. And you thought she was hard to warm up before.

A report says couples are freezing their private parts in order to have better sex. Although one thing to remember is how much shrinkage there was just from taking a dip in cold water.

A celebrated scientist says without immigration, the U.S. would be a third rate country. To which most people are saying that Donald Trump may really be trying to bring us back to where we were.

A study says exercise is not enough to prevent weight gain. Especially when the only exercise you are getting is lifting boxes of pork rinds and cases of beer off the grocery store shelves.

A study says exercise is not enough to prevent weight gain. Especially when the only exercise you are getting is the morning squats after eating dinner at Taco Bell.

A brain tumor triggered a Spanish woman’s sudden hyper-religious behavior. Mostly because she decided she would have a better chance at praying the tumor away than having surgery by a Spanish doctor.

The food industry is working on simplifying the labels on perishable food. They are considering changing the warnings to “sell by,” “use by” and “call 911.”

The food industry is working on simplifying the labels on perishable food. The new labels will just say “Does this smell bad to you?”

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna have reportedly broken up, with Kardashian saying he “thinks it is the right decision.” Which when looking at the Kardashian family history of relationships and putting their lives on reality TV, sounds about as thoughtful as anything else they have ever done.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna have reportedly broken up, with a source saying they are both “trying to be mature about it.” Because what is more mature than being together a year, having a baby without being married and using the whole experience to get a contract for a reality show?

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna have reportedly broken up after being together just over a year. Or as the Kardashians call that, just shy of the second season premier.

CBS says it is close to renewing “The Big Bang Theory” for two more years. Or as that is known at the network, two more years of CBS.

Regis Philbin says he hasn’t talked with Kelly Ripa since he left their show in 2011. Apparently it all has to do with their bitter custody dispute over who gets Gelman.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says baseball needs to change to mean “as much to the next generation as it does to this generation.” The problem is that the game has slowed down so much there is sometimes a generational change between innings.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says baseball needs to change to mean “as much to the next generation as it does to this generation.” Mostly by making that young people coming to the ballpark have the ability to watch the game there on their iPad.

The “Day without immigrants” demonstration closed shops and restaurants across the country on Thursday. It’s just a good thing that it didn’t happen during baseball season or the Yankees would have had to go through the day without a bullpen.

AT&T has announced an unlimited data plan for its customers. Which is not to be confused with their current plan that calls for an unlimited amount of time to actually download something.

An Ohio man is suing Wal-Mart for misrepresenting their company’s beer as a craft beer. He should have really thought first about buying into the idea of ever buying into the idea of using “craft” and “Wal-Mart” in the same sentence.

Facebook is adding a feature that allows users to apply for jobs using the site. Which will come in handy for the people who are looking for work after they posted what they thought of their boss.

A report says deforestation in Brazil has increased 30% in the past 12 months. It would have been even more but apparently they decided to leave a landing strip.

A report says India’s air pollution is now as deadly as that of China. Which both countries are using as a status symbol to show off that they not only have all our jobs, but they have taken the smog that goes along with them.

Donald Trump told the media at a news conference that he was not “ranting and raving.” Which scared many Americans who would feel more assured if they knew what he is doing is actually just the result of a meltdown.

A Fox News anchor is reportedly in talks to join the Trump Administration. Which is interesting because Fox News anchors already pretty much call that their job description.

Chris Christie says Donald Trump made him order the meatloaf when he ate at the White House. Although what actually may have happened is that Trump may have confused him with Meat Loaf.

Chris Christie says Donald Trump made him order the meatloaf when he ate at the White House. Which brought up suspicions right away. When has Chris Christie ever been forced into ordering anything on a menu?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am glad you enjoy the jokes and that you have the spare time to actually take away from any productivity to take a look at the blog. Time for the weekend so we can all recharge and try this again next week. Who know, by then I might come across the secret to make some of them actually work. In the meantime, it only takes a few minutes for all of you to remember to make sure to always keep sending the love!


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