Thursday, February 16, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Pilots with American Airlines denounced their company’s CEO for missing a scheduled meeting with Donald Trump. Apparently the executive couldn’t make it there on time after deciding to fly commercial and booking a flight on American.

A survey of psychologists says Americans’ stress levels have been increasing significantly over money, work and the economy. The good news is that most people won’t have any of that left to worry about after four years of President Trump.

A full-length animated film in Iran shows the Revolutionary Guards defeating the U.S. Navy. Apparently the Navy just wasn’t ready for a full on attack from a military coming at them using Bronze Age swords, shields and a catapult.

A judge in New York has ordered a woman not to get pregnant again after her fourth child was taken by the state. The judge told her the best way to avoid getting pregnant was to just wear a black robe all the time.

A report says U.S. economic freedom has hit a historic low. Mostly for the Americans who are free from worrying about money, a paycheck, bank accounts, investments…

A 92 year old California man shot his 72 year old wife to death of Valentine’s Day. Apparently he wanted to play Cupid but didn’t realize a gun isn’t a good substitute for a bow and arrow.

An American Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing after hitting a deer while taking off in North Carolina. The pilot is really worried as the deer was described as having a red nose and pulling a sleigh.

A report says more than 55,000 bridges in the U.S. are in need of repair. Structurally deficient bridges could pose safety problems, impede traffic and as Chris Christie will tell you, can completely wreck a political career.

Donald Trump told Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu to hold off building any more settlements on the West Bank for a while. The move would encourage peace, ease negotiations and bring more business for the hotel Trump is planning to build there.

France is planning on building an eight foot high glass bulletproof glass security wall around the Eiffel Tower. The only problem is that Parisians hate the idea as the glass wall means they will still be able to see all the tourists there.

The CEO of Aetna says Obamacare is in “a death spiral.” Pretty much like all the people who had a chance of having a chance of being cured until Donald Trump was elected on the promise to repeal Obamacare.

Donald Trump says his “massive” tax plan will lower rates for “virtually everybody.” Mostly by the way his economic policies will drop everyone’s paycheck to the point where they won’t have an income to be taxed on.

A report says rising health care costs are back to stay. To which most Americans are asking to remind them just when was it when they ever went away?

Ashton Kutcher went before Congress saying that technology is the way to fight online sex trafficking. Which is ironic in that if it weren’t for technology, sex trafficking wouldn’t have gone onto the Internet in the first place.

Ashton Kutcher went before Congress saying that technology is the way to fight online sex trafficking. Although a bigger question is how technology can be used to block movies like “Dude, Where’s My Car?” from being streamed on the Internet.

A man dubbed “Porn’s new king” has been sentenced to eleven years in prison. The worst part is that while behind bars he will now become known as his cellmates’ new queen.

Tiger Woods has been advised by his doctors to limit his physical activities. This comes after he had already cut back on his activities over the past three years by not playing more than two rounds in any tournament.

PepsiCo says its baked Lay’s chips, Simply Tostitos and diet Mountain Dew are “guilt free.” The only problem is that they are also taste free, health free and nutritionally free.

A study says surgeons who are rude to their patients may pose problems in the Operating Room. Mostly because the last thing a patient wants to hear from someone standing over them with a scalpel is a cutting remark.

A study says surgeons who are rude to their patients may pose problems in the Operating Room. If surgeons want to make their patients feel badly about themselves, just wait until they have to figure out how to pay their hospital bills.

A report says germs and mold have been found in some medicinal marijuana. Remember the days when the only germs and mold associated with pot were the ones infesting the homes of stoners?

A report says the brain damage CTE has been found in some former soccer players. Also in the soccer fans who had to sit through a three hour game with someone behind them the entire time blowing a vuvuzela in their ear.

A report says the brain damage CTE has been found in some former soccer players. Although it wasn’t as bad as the brain damage in their fans from banging their heads against the wall sitting through a three hour 0-0 tie.

A study says new dads are at risk of depression. Usually not until their children say that they want to go to college for eight years to get a Ph.D. in philosophy.

The economy is being blamed for an increase in highway deaths last year. Mostly because of the people who can now afford a cellphone plan with unlimited data that lets them watch an entire movie while sitting behind the wheel.

The economy is being blamed for an increase in highway deaths last year. Mostly the people who lost their health insurance who know the only way they can see a doctor is by crashing their car and letting their auto insurance send them to the hospital.

The economy is being blamed for an increase in highway deaths last year. Mostly because of the people who finally have enough money to know they can fix their car when they drive 85 MPH head on into a semi in the oncoming lane.

A study says moving abroad for love can make a person miserable. Mostly because it is much better to move abroad if it is for money.

A study says moving abroad for love can make a person miserable. Especially for the people who move abroad because they fell in love with someone from France.

The European Union has issued a final warning to Germany, France, Spain, Italy and Britain over air pollution. The first four need to cut back on auto emissions while the English just need to tell their people to quit cooking so much haggis.

The European Union has issued a final warning to Germany, France, Spain, Italy and Britain over air pollution. To deliver the news in a way they could understand, they had a soccer official whistle them all and give them a brown card.

A study says mice running on a treadmill for 30 minutes slowed aging of their hearts. Which is good news for all those hamsters that run on the wheel in their cage all day and increase their life span from two months all the way to three.

A study says mice running on a treadmill for 30 minutes slowed aging of their hearts. Although what really shortens their life span is their cheese diet. Especially the pieces they try to take out of the mouse trap.

A Las Vegas man is accusing Justin Bieber of assault and theft. Mostly for the pain he endured after forking out $50 to sit all the way through a Justin Bieber concert.

Gwen Stefani says working with her boyfriend Blake Shelton on “The Voice” is “so much fun.” Although how bad could it be to be even with people you hate while being paid millions of dollars to be on TV working a couple of hours a week?

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich says James Hetfield is livid after the band’s set at the Grammys was plagued by audio problems. The good news is that most of Metallica’s fans couldn’t tell the difference as they lost their hearing back in 1985.

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich says James Hetfield is livid after the band’s set at the Grammys was plagued by audio problems. Fans were also upset. Why couldn’t the audio crew do everyone a favor and mess up while Chance the Rapper was on stage?

Niall Horan from One Direction says a reunion is “definitely happening.” Apparently the band members miss the camaraderie, performing for loyal fans and realized their old gig was way better than their new job behind the counter at Chick-fil-A.

Vanna White has a significant birthday coming up this week. She doesn’t want to reveal her age, but sent out a message saying she would be celebrating turning S_XT_ years old.

Vanna White is turning 60 years old this week. She is hoping that her presents include some clothes, jewelry and three vowels.

A report says Harrison Ford landed on a taxiway instead of the proper runway which could result in his pilot’s license being suspended. Fortunately he will still keep his permits to operate his Rascal scooter around the airport terminals.

A report says Harrison Ford landed on a taxiway instead of the proper runway which could result in his pilot’s license being suspended. That is no surprise. It turns out he was also the one flying the plane in the movie “Air Force One.”

Tiger Woods has been set at 20 to 1 odds to win a major golf tournament this year. However, a better wager is the odds of anyone actually taking that bet which have been set at 1,000 to 1.

Donald Trump has declined ESPN’s offer to fill out his NCAA brackets live on TV. Mostly because for the 15th straight year, no invitation for the tournament has been offered to the basketball team from Trump University.

Donald Trump has declined ESPN’s offer to fill out his NCAA brackets live on TV. Mostly because he still hasn’t been able to keep his card filled with the selections for his Cabinet.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott says the NFL is walking on “thin ice” with threats over sanctions if the state passes a transgender bathroom bill, saying they should stay out of politics and stick to football. To which most Texans are saying “What else is there?”

Scientists say they can count a person’s caloric intake based on their tweets. Especially if their cellphone keyboard is covered in orange Cheetos powder.

Scientists say they can count a person’s caloric intake based on their tweets. Apparently the more a person tweets, the more likely they are to eat like a bird.

Scientists say they can count a person’s caloric intake based on their tweets. Especially if they end every tweet with #mmmbacon.

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly being considered as Ambassador to France. Now sports fans are saying the only thing that could top that is if they could make a deal to send Redskins owner Daniel Snyder to be Ambassador to Iran.

Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly being considered as Ambassador to France. To which all the Parisians are saying if they withdraw the offer they will change their attitude, promise to be nice, and start taking showers.

An analyst says a “stunning” amount of classified information is being leaked against the Trump Administration. Which shows that it is never a good idea to pick a fight with the people who know where all the bodies are buried.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Wow. We are less than a month into the Trump Administration and already one official has resigned for improper negotiations, another has pulled his name for domestic abuse and secrets are being leaked all over the place. The good news is that Sean Spicer has already been nominated for the Pulitzer for best fiction writing. I may never win a Pulitzer for what I do here, but I consider it as good as any award every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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