Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Russia is accusing the U.S. of “paranoia” over ties with the ouster of National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. To which most Americans are saying we’re not paranoid, it just looks like Donald Trump’s Administration is really out to get us.

Investment guru Jim Rogers predicts the end of cash and a move to total government control of spending. Which most people are good with as long as we can spend like the government and accumulate piles of debt that we will never pay off.

Four cars were destroyed in a parking garage fire at Disneyland with losses totaling $180,000. The cars’ owners didn’t mind because that was still less than the cost of their family’s theme park tickets, concessions and souvenirs.

An 82 year old New York City woman says she has the “libido of a teen” and looks for dates in Tinder. At her age, she is just happy when someone on the site swipes her “still breathing.”

India is set to launch 104 satellites on one rocket. They figure if three of those satellites end up working, at least they still come out better than NASA.

India is set to launch 104 satellites on one rocket. Mostly for better communications capabilities for the 8,000 new computer technical support call centers they will be opening this week.

With the resignation of National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, Democrats are demanding to know who else in the White House is a security risk. Besides the person who is in charge of handing President Trump the phone he tweets with.

A Brazilian town is embracing an experiment with a universal income. We have done that for years in Louisiana. People there all make the same whether it is the minimum wage or the going amount for unemployment.

A Nevada state senator has proposed a bill outlawing forced microchipping of humans. Although the state might make an exception for the mob so they can keep track of anyone trying to hide after falling behind on their gambling debts.

A Nevada state senator has proposed a bill outlawing forced microchipping of humans. Although most people in Nevada think of microchipping as only having enough money to play at the $2 tables.

New office sensors can tell when people leave their desks. Which is mostly to use the bathroom after they are finally done checking out their Facebook site, playing video games and watching Internet porn.

A study says Detroit is the unhealthiest city in the U.S. Mostly because anyone who is in good enough shape has run to Ohio years ago.

A study says Detroit is the unhealthiest city in the U.S. Which is understandable for the state that is the birthplace of Hungry Howie’s, Domino’s and Little Caesar’s.

A report says dozens of dead owls have been found along a highway in Idaho. The mystery is being described as the classic Whooo-whooo done it?

A stolen sculpture of Lincoln’s hand has been found in an Illinois church. Apparently it was being used with great success during the Sunday service collection.

A stolen sculpture of Lincoln’s hand has been found in an Illinois church. The only question is what the sculptor did with the arms, legs, body and head?

National Security Advisor Michael Flynn resigned after Donald Trump was told he misled Vice President Pence. Apparently Trump was upset that Flynn got caught misleading one person while Trump has gotten away misleading an entire nation.

Nigeria says they have lost up to $100 Billion from militant attacks on oil installations last year. The good news is that the nation has made $300 Billion back on e-mails to the U.S. from all of their princes.

A Royal Caribbean ship was delayed in port in Florida over life saving equipment. Apparently the ship’s crew gave their emergency devices to a nearby Carnival cruise ship telling them they probably need it a lot more.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s half brother was reportedly murdered at an airport in Malaysia after what he described as a “chemical attack.” Although it turns out he was a rather large person and an airport crew just accidentally de-iced him.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s half brother was reportedly murdered at an airport in Malaysia after what he described as a “chemical attack.” Although he still came out better than most people planning a flight with Malaysia Airlines.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un’s half brother was reportedly murdered at an airport in Malaysia after what he described as a “chemical attack.” He is now known as Kim Jong Dead, as opposed to his father who was just Kim Jong Ill.

The government ethics office says Kellyanne Conway should be investigated for her television plug of Ivanka Trump’s products. If Conway is suspended she will take advantage of the time off, saying “I’m going to Disneyland!”

Two top house Democrats fell for a fake tweet they attributed to Michael Flynn. Apparently they failed to notice the tweets came with the hashtag “fakenews.”

Facebook has announced an app that will allow people to watch their videos on TV. Some people were confused. There are Facebook users who still have a TV set?

Facebook has announced an app that will allow people to watch their videos on TV. It’s for people who find that even the cat videos posted on Facebook are easier to watch than reruns of “Two Broke Girls.”

Facebook has announced an app that will allow people to watch their videos on TV. Although it’s going to be quite a stretch to get people to give up binge watching “Game of Thrones” or “Santa Clarita Diet” to watch a live stream of their friends eating breakfast.

Daimler’s smart cars will be going all-electric at the end of the year. They are hoping drivers will like the idea of trading in trips to the gas station to just installing a couple of AA batteries.

A study says drivers who are involved in car crashes that are not their fault still see rate hikes from their insurance companies. Mostly when they claim they weren’t at fault because they didn’t see the other car coming because they were busy texting.

Linda McMahon from the WWE has been confirmed to lead the Small Business Administration. The bad part is that people applying for loans are notified they were denied with a folding chair right across the back.

A report says Millennials are less mobile than the previous four generations. Mostly because how can they move somewhere else when their parents’ basement is staying right where it is?

A report says Millennials are less mobile than the previous four generations. How are they going anywhere when they are too afraid to drive, too poor to buy a car and won’t have any clean clothes to pack until their mom does the laundry on Tuesday?

A survey says 55% of Republicans are satisfied with the way things are going in the U.S. Mostly because they would be satisfied with anything as long as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton aren’t in the White House.

A survey says government dissatisfaction has returned as the most important issue to Americans. Which is good news that it has taken our minds off the economy, education and immigration for a couple of weeks.

A study says more than 4 out of 5 Texas school districts have no sex education program, yet the state has the highest teen pregnancy rate. Which shows that it works, as the kids are somehow still managing to find out how to have sex.

Researchers say they have found 280 genes involved with hair loss. And even with all that time and money spent on the project the best they can come up with a solution is a toupee, comb over or baseball cap.

A supermarket in Scotland has come up with a relaxed check out line where people are encouraged to take their time, talk and ask the cashier questions. We’ve had that for years in the U.S. It’s called the person you are always behind in the express lane.

A report says heart disease could cost the U.S. $1 Trillion a year by 2035. The speed at which that number rises depends on whether Donald Trump will be President for four or eight years.

A report says heart disease could cost the U.S. $1 Trillion a year by 2035. Mostly because by then that is also the same amount of money Americans will be spending each year on fast food.

A survey says that half of all married couples in Japan are not having sex. To which married couples in the U.S. are asking the half that are having sex what is their secret?

A survey says that half of all married couples in Japan are not having sex. Apparently they have decided the loss of intimacy is more than made up for with the extra sleep that comes with not having any children.

Dairy farms are protesting products that use the term “milk” for non-dairy drinks. Which means that soon when people go to the movie theater, they may just get a blank stare at the concession stand when they ask for Milk Duds.

Dairy farms are protesting products that use the term “milk” for non-dairy drinks. Which means it could soon be illegal to call it “hamburger” when there is no ham, “hot dogs” when there is no dog meat and “peanut butter” when there is no butter.

Dairy farms are protesting products that use the term “milk” for non-dairy drinks. Which brings up the question is it false advertising when the candy bars don’t actually contain any real zag nuts?

Harrison Ford reportedly had a close call at an airport when he turned his private plane in front of a taxiing 737. Not to say Ford is getting a little old to be flying, but the FAA is saying maybe he should just stick to kites for now.

Harrison Ford reportedly had a close call at an airport when he turned his private plane in front of a taxiing 737. He may be getting too old to be flying, especially how he identifies himself as Han Solo and says he is out to take down the Death Star.

Harrison Ford reportedly had a close call at an airport when he turned his private plane in front of a taxiing 737. He has now crashed two planes and a helicopter in recent years. Flying with Ford has now become the biggest career gamble in Hollywood next to appearing in an Adam Sandler movie.

The Atlanta Zoo has named a cockroach after Tom Brady. Although as a millionaire NFL quarterback who lives in a mansion with his super model wife, it would seem a more appropriate insect to name after him would be a W.A.S.P.

The Atlanta Zoo has named a cockroach after Tom Brady. Mostly because when the lights come on the Falcons defensive line can’t catch either one.

The San Antonio Spurs have clinched a record straight 20th winning season. Even more remarkable is that they did it with the same starting lineup.

NASA is reportedly at work on autonomous space rendezvous technology. Which they will have just as soon as Uber decides to share it with them.

A study says every three hours an online dater is scammed. Which is usually the moment they decide it’s a good idea to sign up on Ashley Madison.

A study says every three hours an online dater is scammed. Which means there are people who are swiped left, people who are swiped right, and those who just get their stuff swiped.

Chris Christie celebrated Valentine’s Day with lunch at the White House. Apparently President Trump has him over on days when he doesn’t like what’s on the menu so he doesn’t have to worry about putting anything in a doggy bag.

Chris Christie celebrated Valentine’s Day with lunch at the White House. Apparently President Trump felt that he owed him a romantic meal after screwing Christie for Vice President, Attorney General and Secretary of Homeland Security.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a happy Valentine’s Day. Now we don’t have another made up commercially exploited guilt driven phony holiday until Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I even got roped into buying gift cards for several nearby rodents on Groundhog Day. Of course, my gift to you are the jokes I write every day, (cash value 1/20th of a cent) redeemable at the customer service counter. I know you appreciate them, and I hope you continue to show it by remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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