Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Pakistani court has banned public celebrations of Valentine’s Day. Which really cuts into the local gift shops that were running a special on his and hers matching suicide bombing vests.

Playboy says it will feature naked women again after a year-long ban of nudes. Apparently the publisher felt it was too much of a hit to see the subscription rate drop from six to three.

A report says the number of retirement age Americans taking at least three psychiatric drugs has nearly doubled. Which could be a danger when combined with all the other drugs needed to help them get to their retirement age of 93.

A report says the number of retirement age Americans taking at least three psychiatric drugs has nearly doubled. The good news for the Baby Boomers on the medications is that it is nowhere near the number of drugs they were on in college.

The Pentagon is calling North Korean missiles a “grave threat” to the U.S. Which to most people sounds about the same as saying a ’57 Chevy low rider is a similar threat to winning the Indianapolis 500.

Donald Trump spoke on the phone to the Nigerian President who has reportedly not been seen in weeks. Apparently Trump agreed to send him some money in exchange for the U.S. receiving billions of dollars when his cousin is released from prison.

Trump protesters gathered in Chicago for a mass mooning, claiming “This is what democracy looks like.” To which after seeing that, most people said they would prefer a form of government that advocates people keeping their pants on.

Trump protesters gathered in Chicago for a mass mooning, claiming “This is what democracy looks like.” Which now explains why voting used to be done in booths where voters could pull a curtain behind them.

A study says that 60% of Americans would prefer their children to marry within the family political party. The other 40% are just happy to have their children marry someone who isn’t living in their parents’ basement.

Sears and Kmart are joining other retailers that are trimming back their Trump merchandise. Mostly in the case of Sears and Kmart because they want to have as little as possible left in their stores for their eventual going out of business sales.

A report says a trade war with Mexico would put 1 in 33 jobs at risk. Mostly the people who scoop the guacamole at Chipotle’s and cut the limes in bars for Coronas.

A study says Millennials report a higher rate of depression than any other generation. Mostly from realizing how long it will take for their minimum wage job to pay off the tuition loans for their worthless college degree.

A report says Conor McGregor’s headlined UFC card meant $57 Million to New York City. Mostly just from the decision to sell hot dogs and beer for the same price they charge at Yankee games.

A report says Conor McGregor’s headlined UFC card meant $57 Million to New York City. And that doesn’t even count the bills still coming in from the local ERs, ambulance companies and dental clinics.

Feds are probing exhaust fumes that are reportedly filling some Ford Explorers. Although many owners aren’t complaining as it masks the smell from all the old fast food containers that are piling up in the back.

The FTC is being sued for allowing car dealers to sell recalled vehicles with potentially lethal defects. To which the FTC says none of this would have happened if it weren’t for the other government agencies that decided to bail out GM.

Burger King is giving out Valentine’s Day meals that come with an adult toy. Which means they now play background porn movie music when they sing their jingle “Hold the Pickle.”

Burger King is giving out Valentine’s Day meals that come with an adult toy. Which men will be able to try out in another six months when their wives forgive them for taking they out to Burger King on Valentine’s Day.

A United Airlines pilot in street clothes went on a rant in front of passengers on a flight taking off from Austin to San Francisco in a way that caused passengers to think she was mentally unstable. That and the fact she flies for United Airlines.

A data breach has resulted in leaks of the health records of some NFL players. Which these days are pretty much just the papers that need to be filed so players can donate their brains for research.

A data breach has resulted in leaks of the health records of some NFL players. Which for the Atlanta Falcons were mostly instructions on how to perform the Heimlich maneuver during the second half of the Super Bowl.

A study says 43,000 adults have been rushed to the hospital after suffering asthma attacks during sex. It’s the second biggest cause of sex related trips to the ER other than being caught sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A study in Canada says shoveling snow can kill men. Which makes Canadians finally relax for the two weeks in July and August when the temperature actually gets above freezing.

The FDA says fluid filled balloons placed in the stomach to treat obesity have been linked to serious complications. The first one being that a fluid filled balloon makes patients look even fatter than they did before.

The FDA says fluid filled balloons placed in the stomach to treat obesity have been linked to serious complications. For one thing, it makes a tremendously embarrassing explanation for anyone hit in the abdomen by a stray dart.

Louisville reported 352 drug overdoses in 32 hours. It was the biggest mass overdose since all the Atlanta Falcons fans who gulped down all their Xanax at once during the second half of the Super Bowl.

A study says concussions can affect driving even after the symptoms disappear. Especially for the people who are seeing three fingers when the driver in the next lane is flipping them off.

A study says blowing up balloons for a kids’ birthday party can cause hearing loss if they pop. Although nowhere near as much hearing loss that is suffered if they stay through the entire party.

Willie Nelson is back on tour after canceling several concerts for what a publicist says was “just a cold.” Which shows that apparently not every malady can be completely cured with just a prescription for medicinal marijuana.

Scott Baio says he and his wife won’t shop at Nordstrom in the wake of the store dropping Trump clothes and accessories. People were surprised. Scott Baio can afford to shop at Nordstrom?

Scott Baio says he and his wife won’t shop at Nordstrom in the wake of the store dropping Trump clothes and accessories. Not only that, he will be looking for other retailers to carry his upcoming “Joanie Loves Chachi” line of apparel.

“Teen Mom 2” star Jenelle Evans has gotten engaged at age 25, saying she has “found the one.” Although after getting pregnant at 16 it was apparent she had already found quite a few.

The Philadelphia Union MLS team is looking for a “Chief Tattoo Officer” to ink players, staff and fans. Mostly to give everyone something to do to kill the time in the three hours it takes before someone actually scores a goal.

The Patriots say they have located the Super Bowl game winning touchdown ball. The mystery was solved when they put out a description for a prolate spheroid made of brown leather, inflated with a bladder with white laces.

The Patriots say they have located the Super Bowl game winning touchdown ball. Apparently it was used by equipment managers to stick inside to keep the shape of the shoulders for Tom Brady’s jersey.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says stealing Tom Brady’s jersey is “like taking a great Chagall or Picasso.” Which is a terrible comparison as neither of those artists wore the number 12.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says stealing Tom Brady’s jersey is “like taking a great Chagall or Picasso.” Although a better comparison to a Picasso with its random arms, legs and surrealistic expressions would be the Falcons’ second half defense.

Google is turning its Maps into a social network where people can list their favorite locations.  They can also use it to mark the places where they have crashed while looking at their phone to see where they are on Google Maps.

Verizon’s new unlimited data plan is signaling a price war to come between wireless carriers. Which could escalate into a bombing raid as soon as it involves any customers who still have a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

A survey says one in three cybersecurity jobs go begging. Which is fine with the companies because they just make the other two do all the work with no extra pay.

A survey says one in three cybersecurity jobs go begging. As compared to most other jobs where one out of three workers have been laid off and go begging to make a living.

Tokyo wants to make Olympic medals for the 2020 Games out of old smartphones. Instead of gold, silver and bronze, competitors on the stand will be awarded plastic, glass and rubber.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says fake news on the Internet is a “big problem for a lot of the world.” Especially the fake stories that are saying the newest model of the iPhone will be put on the market for under $1,000.

New Zealand has issued warnings of exploding whales following a mass stranding. No one had any idea that the whales preferred using Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones.

Siri is being programmed for Valentine’s Day to answer questions about love and her personal life along with suggestions for pickup lines. Her favorite pickup line is “So, you Android or iPhone?”

Siri is being programmed for Valentine’s Day to answer questions about love and her personal life. She will tell you anything you want as long as you always leave the setting on for “vibrate.”

New Hampshire is firing back at the White House after repeated claims of voter fraud there during the November election. Apparently the busloads of tourists that arrived in the state were just people from Vermont looking for some real action.

New Hampshire is firing back at the White House after repeated claims of voter fraud during the November election. Party officials say it would take a lot more money than they have to convince people to go to New Hampshire in November.

Colorado Republican Representative Mike Coffman says if Michael Flynn misled President Trump, “he should step down.” Mostly because it would be a good time to retire after winning against the best there is.

Nancy Pelosi says Donald Trump is “aiming to terrify immigrants.” Which at least Trump now goes along with the idea that we are an entire nation of immigrants.

A New Jersey congressman says a growing list of House Republicans are not interested in holding town hall meetings that are being “hijacked” by anti-Trump and pro-Obamacare protesters who disrupt the proceedings. If they wanted to be yelled at and abused they would have instead scheduled Chris Christie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Valentine’s Day. I am wishing you all a day of peace and love that gives you a break from everything else that is going on all across our planet. And without me having to say anything, I hope you are all making sure to remember that above all other days this is the one you need to remember to make sure and send the love!


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