Sunday, February 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Apple CEO Tim Cook says fake news is killing people’s minds. What’s worse is that the effects still aren’t even as bad as what happens when people watch the real news.

A bomb scare shut down a subway station in L.A. along Disney’s El Capitan movie theater. There hasn’t been a bomb this big associated with Disney since “Mars Needs Moms.”

A movie theater in Ireland has banned unaccompanied men from screenings of “50 Shades Darker.” A ban of unaccompanied men would mean not one ticket would be sold for any future “Star Wars” films.

A British weight loss guru is in favor of fat shaming people to motivate them to slim down. The question is, how is anyone in the UK overweight in the first place when all they are ever given to eat is a diet of British food?

A British weight loss guru is in favor of fat shaming people to motivate them to slim down. Why is anyone in the UK battling weight gain when their dental hygiene makes them eat most of their meals through a straw?

A California congressman says the threat of a nuclear attack by North Korea should bring a return to civil defense, remember the days of drills that had people going under their desks. As opposed to when Bill Clinton was President and the only people going under desks were White House interns.

An Uber driver is being accused of drugging a passenger and burglarizing their home. Remember the old days when the only robbery involved with getting a ride was the taxi fare?

A report says Europe is making a move to completely eliminate paper money. To which most Americans who were busy counting up their spare change were saying “There is money made out of paper?”

Artificial Intelligence being developed by Google reportedly shows signs of aggression when it doesn’t get its way. Which should have been seen coming when Watson lost it after not getting a private dressing room for “Jeopardy!”

A woman was stopped at a Dallas Airport with 22 pounds of raw brains, hearts, and tongues from chickens, pigs and cows. Fortunately it didn’t go to waste and was just given to the food court McDonald’s for the morning batch of Sausage McMuffins.

The USGS says California is overdue for biblical, catastrophic flooding. Otherwise known across the state as the rainy season.

The USGS says California is overdue for biblical, catastrophic flooding. As opposed to the disasters they deal with on a yearly basis like earthquakes, fire and housing costs.

The USGS says California is overdue for biblical, catastrophic flooding. Although looking at the housing situation there, it is already taking place when you consider 90% of home buyers are currently underwater.

Scientists say dolphins in Australia use blowfish to get high. As compared to the dolphins in Hollywood who still get high just using the more traditional blow.

Scientists say dolphins in Australia use blowfish to get high. The problem came to light when the dolphins at Sea World refused to do any shows that didn’t feature music by Hootie and the Blowfish.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft joined Japanese Prime Minister Abe and President Trump for dinner last week. Although questions may have to be answered after Kraft was seen giving Abe a present of Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey.

A Canadian man who beheaded and cannibalized a Greyhound bus passenger has been released from prison. The decision was made after he promised to honor the Greyhound slogan of “Go Greyhound and leave the decapitation to us.”

A Canadian man who beheaded and cannibalized a Greyhound bus passenger has been released from prison. He can also ride with Greyhound again as long as he remembers the rule about no bringing along outside food.

Oregon is addressing the state’s deficit with a proposed coffee tax. To which Starbucks customers immediately spoke of going to war with the government over taxation without caffeination.

Oregon is addressing the state’s deficit with a proposed coffee tax. Not to say that their neighbors to the north in Washington State like their coffee, but if they did that there it could wipe out the federal deficit in about three weeks.

A report says 12 Million Americans have hidden a credit card or bank account from their partner. What’s worse is that if they were depositors with Wells Fargo, they even had accounts that were hidden from themselves.

A report says 12 Million Americans have hidden a credit card or bank account from their partner. As opposed to the rest who were caught and no longer have a partner.

A report says 12 Million Americans have hidden a credit card or bank account from their partner. Which is different from the other 288 Million who just wish they had enough money to start up a hidden bank account or credit card.

February 13th is International Condom Day. Those who forgot to write it down still have time to mark their calendars for the upcoming Mother’s and Father’s Days.

Little Caesar’s Pizza founder Mike Ilitch has died at age 87. The family says plans are pending for his upcoming Funeral! Funeral!

The editor of fact checking site Snopes says fake news is growing at liberal as well as conservative outlets. Which means people can still balance things out by watching equal amounts of Fox News and CNN.

Mayors from Mexico’s three largest cities were in Chicago and sent a defiant message to President Trump. Mostly demanding work on the nation’s infrastructure as he has no idea how bumpy the ride can be from the border all the way to Illinois in the trunk of a Chevy.

Ford says it will invest $1 Billion in Artificial Intelligence for its cars. The question is how expensive can it be to put in a GPS that can locate and call the nearest tow truck?

Ford says it will invest $1 Billion in Artificial Intelligence for its cars. To which most Ford owners are saying forget the AI, how about a couple hundred dollars in making the cars run a little better?

Crash test dummies are being made to be more like the average American, meaning older and fatter. Which will be put into action with the older ones testing Buicks and the fat ones in the back seat of a Chevy Suburban.

Crash test dummies are being made to be more like the average American, meaning older and fatter. Now all they need to do to make them completely realistic is put their heads looking down like they are constantly texting.

Crash test dummies are being made to be more like the average American, meaning older and fatter. Which means most of them are used to test the vehicles they are most likely to be riding in, either an ambulance or hearse.

A study says the oldest child in a family is usually the smartest. That’s true. Look at William and Harry. William was born first and he is the one who ended up with Kate Middleton and first dibs on the throne.

A study says the oldest child in a family is usually the smartest. Which was good news for Kourtney Kardashian who was born first and had to just exhibit a higher IQ than Kim, Khloe and Rob.

A report says a disproportional number of injuries happen in each state, with Florida having a large number of unspecified head injuries. Which finally explains 90% of the news reports that come out of Florida every day.

A report says a disproportional number of injuries happen in each state, with Nevada having a large number of people suffocating. Which could be cut down by a large percentage if people would just remember to pay off their gambling debts.

A study says older men are attracted to younger women, but also are interested in older women. And at closing time that expands even more to any woman who is pretty much just still breathing.

A study says gunshot wounds can cause lead poisoning. Which is something that a gunshot wound victim will have to worry about later once they actually get past their more immediate concern of surviving just being shot.

A study says gunshot wounds can cause lead poisoning. Especially if a person is shot and falls into the Flint River.

A new book called “Hit Makers” explores how things become popular. The bad news for the author is that customers have just shown no interest in reading the book.

“Star Wars” land is set to open at Disneyland in 2019. And just like with any of the “Star Wars” movies, fans started getting in line for the opening last Tuesday.

Nick Cannon says that Mariah Carey’s and Bryan Tanaka’s romance “seems fake.” Mostly because he saw it on the entertainment report on CNN.

Barcelona scored four goals in eight minutes in a game against Alaves. Now fans are asking them what they are going to do for the rest of the season?

Barcelona scored four goals in eight minutes in a game against Alaves. The bad news is that all that extra work for the fans caused hundreds of people to have to go home with a broken vuvuzela.

A data company breach leaked sensitive information, including medical records of several athletes. Which means it is so easy to get into athletes’ personal documentation, but still no one can recover Tom Brady’s cellphone text messages.

A data company breach leaked sensitive information, including medical records of several athletes. To which the sports stars were angry, saying why couldn’t it be something that no one cares about like their high school and college transcripts?

Melania Trump chose to not take part in a tour of the White House for the wife of Japanese Prime Minster Abe. Apparently she is embarrassed the White House is not decorated in something more to her taste. For instance, there are hardly any gold plated mirrors or chairs in the entire structure.

A report says it costs about 91 cents a year to charge a smartphone. And half of what they own when their wife finds out who they have been using their phone to sext with.

A report says it costs about 91 cents a year to charge a smartphone. Which doesn’t include the $1,500 a year to pay for a carrier and the thousands of dollars in medical bills caused by using the phone to send text messages while driving.

A privacy group says the FBI hacked 8,700 computers in 120 countries off a single warrant. Law enforcement officials were surprised. The FBI requested a warrant?

A privacy group says the FBI hacked 8,700 computers in 120 countries off a single warrant. Yet they couldn’t figure out how to get into the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone without having to pay $1 Million to a ten year old.

A report says self-driving cars will create an organ donation shortage. The question is, if bad driving provides organs then why is China always being accused of taking them from their prisoners?

A report says self-driving cars will create an organ donation shortage. Which means when police ask what kind of vehicle a victim was driving who becomes an organ donor, the answer will always be “International Harvester.”

UPS is set to spend $18 Million on 26,000 solar panels at their delivery facilities to save on electricity costs. Which means they will no longer have to deal with power failures, which are known at the company as “brown outs.”

A study says women are good dancers because of the motion of their hips. That, and because they are loosened up every time they go out dancing by all the drinks bought for them by the guys trying to take them home.

A study says 90% of British public workers could be replaced by robots. The other 10% will still be needed to push the button to turn the robots on and off.

Joe Piscopo says he is thinking about running for New Jersey Governor. Mostly because following Chris Christie would be about as easy as being asked to replace Rob Schneider on “Saturday Night Live.”

Joe Piscopo says he is thinking about running for New Jersey Governor. If elected, New Jersey voters will be able to feel good about finding him another gig after “Dead Heat.”

A report says Donald Trump’s border wall will cost $21.6 Billion, nearly double Trump’s estimate. Mostly because no one figured that there won’t be any Mexican construction companies who will get in on making a bid.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Lots of jokes today. A few may even be funny. I have no idea what has gotten into me. Maybe it is that football season is finally over and pitchers and catchers report this week. Now that I have done my job, it is up to you to do yours. That means more than ever, with Valentine’s Day on Tuesday you need to remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


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