Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An American Airlines jet in Oklahoma City was discovered to have $434,000 in cocaine in the nose of the plane. Where else would it be?

Twitter says it has developed new tools for online censorship. The biggest weapon they have to stop hateful remarks is making their users express their thoughts with no more than 140 characters.

The new FCC Chair has vowed to shrink industry regulations. Industry experts were surprised. When was the FCC given back the power to actually do anything?

The new FCC Chair has vowed to shrink industry regulations. If there were any regulations in the first place, we wouldn’t be looking at the 12th season of “The Kardashians.”

A study says standing up straight could help with symptoms of depression. Especially for people who are depressed about their financial status and are always hunched over looking for spare change on the ground.

A study says standing up straight could help with symptoms of depression. Probably not for the people who are depressed thinking about their childhood and always being badgered by their mother to “stop slouching!”

Oprah Winfrey will become a special contributor to “60 Minutes.” Although since she has become a major investor in Weight Watchers, the show will now be called “52 Minutes.”

Oprah Winfrey will become a special contributor to “60 Minutes.” Although at age 63, she is going to have to get past the other correspondents who are going to be constantly asking, “Who’s the kid?”

Some scientists say they doubt the benefits of the alkaline diet of Tom Brady. For one thing, Tom Brady plays football for a living yet everyone knows that Al Kaline was with the Detroit Tigers baseball team.

A study says skipping breakfast is linked with heart disease and obesity. Except when the breakfast the person is missing is three Egg McMuffins, some hash browns and a McGriddle.

A study says skipping breakfast is linked with heart disease and obesity. Especially when the person is missing breakfast because they were snacking until 3:00 in the morning and are now just getting up in time for lunch.

The FBI is defending its decision to not say how they hacked into the iPhone of the San Bernardino shooters. Mostly from the embarrassment that the only way they could do it was to get a 10 year old to do it in exchange for a pair of Airpods.

The White House says it expects bipartisan support for Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. The only problem is explaining the meaning of the term “bipartisan support” to any members of Congress who were elected after 1975.

President Trump is pledging to work with Big Pharma to lower drug prices for Americans. Which the White House Press Corps is hoping will happen quickly so Press Secretary Sean Spicer can pay to fill his prescription for Xanax.

A French presidential candidate is being accused of giving his family highly paid fake jobs. In the U.S., relatives of politicians can’t just be given fake jobs. They have to get themselves elected to Congress.

A French presidential candidate is being accused of giving his family highly paid fake jobs. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered two of his children were appointed to positions with the Ministry of Personal Hygiene.

Financial experts say rare coins could outpace other investments in the coming year. To which most Americans are saying since 2007, pretty much having any coins has been rare.

Harley Davidson says it has to sell a glut of 2016 motorcycles before the showrooms are stocked with new, improved 2017 bikes. Although who is going to want to buy a 2016 Harley when the company is touting how much better it would be to own a 2017 model?

An Artificial Intelligence computer beat four professional poker players in a 20 day tournament. The only way the humans had a chance was to try to remove some of the computer’s hardware by changing from Texas hold ‘em over to strip poker.

An Artificial Intelligence computer beat four professional poker players in a 20 day tournament. The computer’s programmers won by making it nearly impossible for the other players to concentrate after gluing a pair of googly eyes to the robot’s face.

The Oakland Raiders planned move to Las Vegas hit a snag when billionaire backer Sheldon Adelson pulled out of the deal. Apparently he felt when it comes to the Raiders, it would be a safer bet to go to the Roulette wheel and put everything he has on green double zero.

DeVry University has reached a $2.75 Million settlement over misleading ads about their graduates’ employment and pay. They should have been honest and  made claims they could prove, like they weren’t as big a rip-off as Trump University.

Donald Trump told drug manufacturers he wants them to make their products in the U.S. Especially so people will be hired to make the antidepressants needed for those whose former job with a pharmaceutical company was sent overseas.

A study says fat that gathers near the heart is a health hazard for postmenopausal women. The only question is who is it not a health hazard for to have a heart that is surrounded by a gob of fat?

A study says fat shaming does not motivate overweight or obese people to lose weight. Which is fine with the bullies because if those people lost weight, they would have to look for someone else to pick on.

A study says most children’s best friend is the family pet. Especially the ones who find their siblings leave them alone when they bond closely with the family pit bull.

A study says snowstorms may lead to reports of heart trouble up to two days later. There are even more reports of heart problems a couple of weeks after the snow when the latest heating bill arrives.

A report says the Flint, Michigan water crisis will have a long-term impact on kids’ lives. Mostly from having to spend their entire childhood growing up in Flint.

A study says bilingual people have an edge against Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because of the advantage that if they can’t remember something in English, they can then try to see if they can jar it loose by thinking in Spanish, French or Italian.

Researchers say that science will suffer under the immigration restrictions of Donald Trump. Except for most of the people who agree with the policy as they are the ones most likely to also not believe in science.

“Real Housewives of New York” star Bethenny Frankel’s husband was arrested for stalking her and screaming at her that he would destroy her. Although if he ever watched the show, he would know that those cast members if given enough time will pretty much do the job themselves.

Amy Schumer defended her cousin Senator Chuck Schumer against an accusation by Donald Trump that he was crying “fake tears.” Amy Schumer says she has seen Chuck Schumer cry real tears, mostly after spending $8 to see “Train Wreck.”

Fox News has finished up 15 straight years as the most watched cable news channel. Their new motto will be “Driving Americans into a frenzy since 2002.”

Fox News has finished up 15 straight years as the most watched cable news channel. Their prime time audience averages 2.7 Million people. Which means they edged out CNN by only 2,699,994 viewers.

Justin Bieber says he will be skipping the Grammys, calling them not relevant and not representative of the best artists when it comes to young musicians. To which the Grammys are saying “Back at ya.”

Justin Bieber says he will be skipping the Grammys, calling them not relevant and not representative of the best artists when it comes to young musicians. Which is going to have about the same impact as if Adam Sandler announce he is going to sit out the Oscars.

Tom Brady says it has been a “challenging year” for his family. Hopefully someone will set up a GoFundMe account to help out the Super Bowl quarterback and his supermodel wife get through these difficult times.

Former Laker guard Derek Fisher says burglars took $300,000 in jewelry from his L.A. home. Police say they are investigating to see if there is a connection between the robbery and reports that Kobe Bryant had another fight with his wife.

Former Laker guard Derek Fisher says burglars took $300,000 in jewelry from his L.A. home. Even Barry Bonds is asking where someone can even put $300,000 in bling?

Rex Ryan says he ran into problems in Buffalo by setting expectations too high. Football experts were confused. They didn’t know if it was funnier that he meant expectations were high for Buffalo or for Rex Ryan.

Apple has passed Samsung as the world’s top phone maker. Mostly because Samsung has since rebranded themselves and now considers their products part of the munitions industry.

Apple’s cash hoard is now up to a record $246 Billion. That is larger than the Sri Lankan GDP. Which is ironic as Sri Lanka is where Apple is planning on building its next five iPhone factories.

Apple’s cash hoard is now up to a record $246 Billion. That is larger than the Sri Lankan GDP. The total went up another $8.5 Billion in the last quarter, which means they must have sold another dozen iPhones, iPads and MacBooks.

Amazon says it will spend $1.5 Billion on a new air cargo hub in Kentucky. The only question is how big does a hangar have to be to house 25 Million delivery drones?

A study says an all corn diet can turn hamsters into cannibals that eat their young. Which may finally answer the decades-old mystery of whatever happened to all those missing kids in Nebraska?

A study says an all corn diet can turn hamsters into cannibals that eat their young. But then who could ever turn down the idea of a big plate of corn along with a side of hamster?

The European Union has declared the Trump Administration as “a threat.” And this is an organization that has a membership that includes Greece, Italy and Lithuania.

Liberty University President Jerry Falwell, Jr. has been appointed by Donald Trump to lead a task force on reforming higher education. Because when people think of great examples of higher education, which two institutions come to mind more than Trump and Liberty universities?

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says that U.S. citizens will not be targeted by anti-terrorism efforts. Other than the usual strip searches by the TSA, phone conversation monitoring by the NSA and e-mail hacking by the FBI.

A study says that no amount of alcohol is good for people. Which means if it is all bad, then if someone has one drink what’s the difference if they have eight or nine more?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It sure seems like a long week, and it’s only Wednesday. Now I know how all of you who read this blog every day feel. At least in the first two weeks of President Trump, he has not disappointed! At least those of us who write jokes. The rest of you might see it a different way. The good thing is that those of us who have been worried about 1984 arriving can just be glad it waited 33 years to actually get here. All we can do is keep plugging along. And of course, all of you will hopefully remember to always keep on sending the love!


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