Sunday, January 08, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Apple cut the pay of CEO Tim Cook from $10.28 Million last year to $8.75 Million because of missed sales goals. The worst part is that it means Cook doesn’t have enough cash to pick up that second iPad he was hoping to get.

Department of Defense data says the U.S. dropped 26,171 bombs last year. Although none of them compared to the one dropped by Hollywood with the remake of “Ghostbusters.”

Department of Defense data says the U.S. dropped 26,171 bombs last year. And that doesn’t even include the millions that were being carried around in the pockets of people who were using a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 cellphone.

Department of Defense data says the U.S. dropped 26,171 bombs last year. But none of them had anywhere near the force of the bombshell that was dropped with the headline “Trump Wins.”

Workers at a Wendy’s in Texas are being accused refusing to serve a police officer. Wendy’s defended what happened, saying the officer didn’t give them a chance, leaving after only waiting in line at the counter for 20 minutes.

A study says a one hour nap after lunch may improve a person’s mental function. Mostly from keeping the person from spending their lunch break eating another hour’s worth of food.

Scientists say a blood test can predict how long a person will live. Not the blood test itself. But the paperwork the patients fill out can show that they have a year or less to live if they write in they live in Detroit, Chicago or New Orleans.

A new drone is available that can fly 100 miles an hour. Which shows how technology advances to meet demand. If drones will one day deliver pizza, that was incentive enough to make them where they could get the pizza there while still hot.

A math historian says that society could collapse within a decade. Which is good news for most Americans who after the November elections gave us four years max.

 A math historian says that society could collapse within a decade. The good news is that it will take most people another decade to realized it after finally looking up from the screen of their cellphone.

A math historian says that society could collapse within a decade. Although that exact same prediction was made in 19th century England when the general population stopped saying “please” and “thank you.”

Traffic tolls in Virginia express lanes went up to $30 in advance of a snowstorm. Apparently state highway officials wanted to keep traffic moving so people could get home and avoid being gouged by ruthless businesses along the way.

Under Armor has launched a Tom Brady line of pajamas for $80 to $100. The hard part is convincing people that an NFL quarterback who is married to a supermodel goes to bed every night wearing pajamas.

Under Armor has launched a Tom Brady line of pajamas for $80 to $100. Why is it that now he has some trouble with a little deflation when it comes to a price tag?

Blood test company Theranos is laying off 41% of its workforce. That’s what happens when you work for a firm that specializes in bloodletting.

WikiLeaks says it may publish the personal information of hundreds of thousands of Twitter users. Which means we may finally find out what that shade of hair coloring is that is used by Donald Trump.

A report says Amazon grabbed up half the business of late, online Christmas shoppers. Which most retailers otherwise know as “men.”

Coffee maker Keurig says it is building an at-home beer and booze maker. Apparently it is for those mornings when people know that it is going to take a lot more than a strong cup of coffee to help them get ready to go into the office.

The Limited says it will close all 250 of their clothing stores. Which means they will also be changing their name to The Extremely Limited.

The Limited says it will close all 250 of their clothing stores. Apparently it has something to do with confusion between the store’s name and the newest nickname people have come up with for our next President.

Research says weight loss surgery may help severely obese teenagers keep weight off long term. Which is good news as the words “long term” are not often used for teenagers who are already severely obese.

A study says looking at artwork can make people eat less. Especially for the ones who lose their appetite knowing someone paid $50 Million for a painting of a can of soup.

A poll says only 20% of Americans support the repeal of the Affordable Care Act with no replacement. Or as Republicans call 20% backing, “a mandate.”

A study says people who volunteer with community groups have sharper mental skills. Which will promptly be used by companies across the country as an excuse to increase workers’ productivity by lowering their wages.

A study says the part of the brain that recognizes faces continues to develop through adulthood. Mostly as a result of people spending their entire day trying to figure out how they know all the people who are claiming to be their friends on Facebook.

Donald Trump slammed Arnold Schwarzenegger over low ratings for “The New Celebrity Apprentice.” Which is pretty bold for someone whose popularity numbers have fallen to 40% before he has even made it to Inauguration Day.

“Flip or Flop” star Tarek El Mousse says he caught his wife and costar Christina making inappropriate texts with their contractor. He became really suspicious when the contractor actually started arriving at their house to do work on schedule.

“Flip or Flop” star Tarek El Mousse says he caught his wife and costar Christina making inappropriate texts with their contractor. He became really suspicious when his wife was constantly humming James Taylor’s song “Handyman.”

David Spade reportedly suffered minor injuries in a three vehicle crash in L.A. The accident report says it was because of poor visibility conditions. Mostly Spade not being able to see the oncoming vehicle over the dashboard.

The Florida Panthers dressed a sales accountant as a backup goalie when their starter was hurt. Apparently the team’s front office misunderstood it when they hired him and he said he was very goal oriented.

The Florida Panthers dressed a sales accountant as a backup goalie when their starter was hurt. Apparently the team’s front office misunderstood when he said he wanted to work with the team’s net.

The Florida Panthers dressed a sales accountant as a backup goalie when their starter was hurt. Unfortunately it turns out he thought “working the crease” meant making a sharper fold in his dress slacks.

A declassified intelligence report says Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered a campaign of influence to help Donald Trump win the presidency. People were shocked at the news, but also relieved that for once a report about the election didn’t come from WikiLeaks.

A traveler says his laptop computer saved him by taking a bullet during the Florida airport shooting. Although he would have already run to a safer area if he wasn’t oblivious to the shooting because he was on his laptop watching cat videos.

New wearable tech for moms allows them to track their contractions. Which is good news for expectant mothers who can’t be bothered with things like contractions while they are too busy setting up the site for their mommy blog.

A new app sends notifications in case Donald Trump tweets about a company the user is invested in. Apparently it works any time Trump tweets about a business by flashing a huge red screen screaming “SELL NOW!!!”

Honda has developed technology that keeps motorbikes upright. Which makes it much more acceptable for people with poor balance to ride in to a Hell’s Angels bash on one of those instead of trying to not be noticed using training wheels.

A report says many companies are realizing that technology is the best way to help with customer service. Mostly because the biggest customer complaint anymore is waiting in line to be helped by someone in customer service for twenty minutes while they are making their evening dinner reservations.

A new robot can reportedly beat an opponent at chess while also serving them coffee. The best part is that despite that skill level, it is still nowhere near as arrogant as the barista who usually serves them their coffee at Starbucks.

Beijing’s snow is so dirty that officials are advising people to use umbrellas. It’s gotten so bad that it’s the one place where it’s a good thing when people find a patch of yellow snow to eat.

The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas features cars of the future that will have the ability to talk back to drivers. Mostly Chryslers which will finally be able to just say “You’re going to have to walk the rest of the way.”

Kodak is bringing back their Ektachrome brand of camera film. Which is good news for anyone still living back in 1974.

Kodak is bringing back their Ektachrome brand of camera film. Apparently the company wanted to make one last big splash that will plummet them over the edge into bankruptcy for good.

Russia’s natural gas industry is cashing in as sub-zero temperatures plague Europe. Which has Democrats now accusing Vladimir Putin of orchestrating the cold snap.

Donald Trump says “only stupid people and fools” oppose better ties with Russia. And also those who don’t mind losing elections.

Burt Reynolds says that Donald Trump is “having a good time” being arrogant. Although he says if Trump really thinks he is great, let’s see him get a truckload of Coors from Texas to Atlanta in 28 hours.

A report says Russia’s goal with their election hacking was to undermine faith in the U.S. democratic process. To which most people say that was unnecessary as Congress already pretty much did that years ago.

A report says Russia’s goal with their election hacking was to undermine faith in the U.S. democratic process. Apparently Vladimir Putin wants to show his people that waiting in line eight hours for toilet paper is worth hanging onto their pledge to communism.

Trump National Security Council pick Monica Crowley is being accused of plagiarism in one of her books. The worst part is the lifted passages came from “My Pet Goat.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, after 14 years of missing the playoffs, the Raiders finally got back into the post season. For 60 minutes. But it was nice while it lasted. Unfortunately, their starting quarterback broke his leg before the season ended and they had to use a backup. Even worse is that ever since Al Davis passed away there is no one around to scare the other team’s players into losing the game…or else. Now all I have to do is wait a few more weeks and Spring Training will start up again, then it will be baseball season and yet another heartbreak from the Dodgers. I can hardly wait! In the meantime, getting through this winter’s cold weather is always easier when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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