Friday, January 06, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says 57% of Democrats want Donald Trump to succeed as President. Mostly because they remember what it was like when they were hoping President George W. Bush failed and they got their wish.

A poll says 57% of Democrats want Donald Trump to succeed as President. At least on everything he wants to accomplish other than destroying the nation’s health care and starting a nuclear war.

A poll says 57% of Democrats want Donald Trump to succeed as President. The other 43% don’t really care because they are busy packing their bags for their move to live in Canada.

Black & Decker says it will open a new plant in the U.S. Mostly because of the new demand for tools needed to build Donald Trump’s wall on the Mexico border.

Internet comedian Dan Nainan, who has claimed to be a 35 year old Millennial was exposed in an article to really be 55. Which still isn’t as bad as most the men with Myspace accounts who were 55 and claimed to be 15.

Norway will become the first country to switch off all FM radio in favor of digital broadcasting. Which is good news for the Norwegians who were getting tired of listening to constant 24 hour marathons featuring both songs of A-ha.

An insurance company in Japan is replacing its office workers with Artificial Intelligence. Which is almost as bad as the insurance company in the U.S. that replaced all of its workers with a gecko.

A report says aerospace firms are trying to compete with Silicon Valley for future talent by recruiting kids in pre-Kindergarten. Which is at least understandable for the Silicon Valley companies since employees there are pretty much done with their careers when they hit 30.

A report says aerospace firms are trying to compete with Silicon Valley for future talent by recruiting kids in pre-Kindergarten. Which means making the same paper airplane that got their parents a timeout could be today’s kids’ career path.

A report says aerospace firms are trying to compete with Silicon Valley for future talent by recruiting kids in pre-Kindergarten. To which Nike is saying their factory supervisors in Asia have been doing that since the 1980s.

A report says exercising each week can save people up to $2,500 a year on health care costs. Which goes completely to waste when they use the money they save instead on their post-workout Frappuccino and donuts breakfast.

A report says 1 in 7 U.S. workers say they practice mindfulness. As opposed to the other 6 who are government workers who prefer to spend their days practicing mindlessness.

A study says living near a major highway increases the chances of developing dementia. The good news is those people can get behind the wheel, go on the highway and take a trip to somewhere new and different every day.

A report says Sears may not survive because of the store chain’s falling revenues. It’s getting so bad that they are considering changing their name to Sears No-Bucks.

President Obama’s farewell speech may be the first presidential address to be broadcast in 360 degree video. Which will show how he feels when the room starts spinning right before he faints when realizing he is turning the country over to Donald Trump.

The Wall Street Journal says 150 companies have bought up $1 Billion of Donald Trump’s debt. Apparently it is just his way of practicing how to find other countries that will now buy up our $20 Trillion of national debt.

Retailers set a record with more than $91 Billion in online sales over the holidays. The increase is credited to the convenience, lower prices and not risking being assaulted when trying to pick up an item in the bargain section on Black Friday.

Chris Berman is stepping down as the face of ESPN’s NFL coverage. Which is sad for the three people watching the broadcasts who still get the references to “Hotel California.”

Chris Berman is stepping down as the face of ESPN’s NFL coverage. Apparently he felt it was time to just step back…back…back…back…back.

A study says a caring community at work makes for businesses with higher revenue, or as the study puts it, “nice guys make more money.” Which now makes sense as to why Donald Trump won’t release his tax returns so everyone can see how much money he really has.

Carnival Cruise Lines has designed wearable tech so passengers can access services more easily. The wearable items are available to be worn on the wrist, around the neck or more conveniently sewn into each passenger’s life preserver.

Thursday was National Returns Day, the peak day for people returning gifts they bought online. UPS was expecting to ship back more than 6 Million packages, which finally gives a reason why at New Year’s people always say “Many happy returns.”

Thursday was National Returns Day, the peak day for people returning gifts they bought online. Apparently it takes that long after the New Year for people to sober up enough to realize they are never going to wear the ugly Christmas sweaters they bought through Amazon.

Sears has sold its iconic Craftsman Tools brand to Black & Decker for $1 Billion. There is no word on whether the tools’ lifetime warranty expires along with the eventual death of Sears.

A report says Uber is slow to fix its problems with wheelchair accessibility for passengers. Which is especially necessary for the people who are wheelchair-bound after being run over trying to hail a ride from an Uber driver.

A report says fewer Americans are dying from cancer. Mostly because they are being killed before the cancer advances by heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure.

A study says heartburn drugs may raise the risk of stomach infections. Or the infections may just be caused by eating the food that gives the people heartburn in the first place.

A study shows that breathalyzer lock laws prevent drunk driving deaths. Now if they could just figure out how to keep people from turning on the ignition without turning off their iPhone.

Conan O’Brien’s show on TBS will reportedly be cut back to a schedule of airing once a week. They will still shoot five shows, which will then be edited down to one that actually has some funny material.

Conan O’Brien’s show on TBS will reportedly be cut back to a schedule of airing once a week. That way they can avoid using the same jokes five times each week.

Conan O’Brien’s show on TBS will reportedly be cut back to a schedule of airing once a week. Apparently it is just too much work for the writers to cut and paste that many jokes off the Internet.

The NBA says Milwaukee Bucks guard Giannis Antetokounmpo committed a five second violation in his game winning shot against the Knicks. Officials didn’t make the call because the five second violation is still less time than it takes to say “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”

The NBA says Milwaukee Bucks guard Giannis Antetokounmpo committed a five second violation in his game winning shot against the Knicks. What did he do, drop a donut and eat it after leaving it on the ground too long?

Nissan says it plans to put driverless cars on the road by 2020. Chrysler says it already has thousands of driverless cars on the road. They are the ones that are parked along the nation’s roads without a driver after being abandoned.

Cadillac is launching a car subscription service that will allow customers to drive and swap out any vehicle they want for $1,500 a month. Which is a good deal for the 80 year olds still driving Cadillacs who need a new car every time they forget where they parked the last one.

A new California law aims to cut the number of car drivers using smartphones. Which looked like it actually had a chance of working until the announcement that Kim Kardashian is back on social media.

T-Mobile has started a new flat price policy for customers. Which is different than the pricing policy of Sprint which is just to keep piling on the charges until their customers are flat broke.

250 stores were reportedly looted in Mexico over protests of high gasoline prices. Americans were shocked at their behavior. Don’t they know that looting and rioting is out of season past Black Friday?

250 stores were reportedly looted in Mexico over protests of high gasoline prices. It was the biggest story ever to hit gas stations south of the border that didn’t involve Ryan Lochte.

A vibrating wristband claims to reduce workplace stress. Although most the people who have bought one are now complaining there are problems that go along with it, like when the vibrations keep waking them up.

A letter from Princess Diana to the palace steward says that Prince Harry was constantly getting into trouble at boarding school. Apparently the problems started with cuts in the Royal Family budget to where she was only allowed to hire five nannies for each of her children.

A letter from Princess Diana to the palace steward says that Prince Harry was constantly getting into trouble at boarding school. Mostly because it’s tough to discipline a kid who keeps pointing out that he is third in line to the British Throne.

The GOP has revived an 1876 law that allows Congress to drop the pay of any federal worker to $1 a year. Or as most Americans would call that wage for any government worker, grossly overpaid.

The GOP has revived an 1876 law that allows Congress to drop the pay of any federal worker to $1 a year. Which means if they were to impose it on themselves, Congress would finally be earning their pay, as long as they gave back at least 75 cents of it.

A report says Donald Trump and Congress are crafting a plan to build the wall along the U.S. and Mexico border. Which will be started on just as soon as the Republicans in Congress finish a wall between themselves and the Democrats.

Osama bin Laden’s son Hamza has been placed on the U.S. terror list. Which brings up just one question. Why was the son of Osama bin Laden not already at the top of the U.S. terror list?

A report says top Russian officials celebrated when Donald Trump won the presidential election. No one actually witnessed the celebrating, but just figured things out when the Kremlin made a November order for ten cases of Trump Vodka.

 The House has voted to curb presidential powers. Which Donald Trump says is no problem. As long as he still has his Twitter account, he has all the power he needs to start a thermonuclear war.

Joe Biden says Donald Trump needs to grow up and “be an adult.” He then said it was time to go home to Delaware the way he does every night by going to the train station and buying a ticket to take the choo-choo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is finally Friday, time for all of us to take a break from the work week and enjoy the upcoming weekend. More importantly it is an opportunity to take a break from these jokes and find a real outlet for humor. But don’t worry, after a couple of days we will both be back making another attempt at killing time while being mildly amused. Just make sure that over the weekend you don’t forget the importance to always keep on sending the love!


No comments: