Thursday, January 05, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says CNN is the least trusted news organization of likely voters. Mostly because “likely” voters are those mostly spending their time on social media “liking” Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift.

A study says CNN is the least trusted news organization of likely voters. Although to be honest, all but three of them said they would probably trust CNN more if they actually ever tried tuning in.

A 105 year old Frenchman set a world’s record by riding a bicycle 14 miles in an hour. Although the record for a 105 year old was already set the moment he actually was able to get the kickstand up.

A 105 year old Frenchman set a world’s record by riding a bicycle 14 miles in an hour. Which is embarrassing to consider most Americans half his age could only get to the bicycle by riding over to it on their Rascal scooter.

Acer has debuted a $9,000 gaming laptop. Which would be a good idea except for the question of how many gamers are ever going to even have $9,000?

Sweden’s experiment of a six hour work day is apparently not working out. In the U.S. we have had that for the past several years, at least with the people who can only get six hours of work in from their three part time jobs.

Pope Francis I has called for humane prisons around the world. Although no one knows the meaning of cruel and unusual punishment like anyone who has ever had to spend more than ten minutes inside a Catholic Church confessional.

Four people were shot in Texas after a fight on Facebook escalated. What ever happened to just pressing the “unfriend” button?

An extremely rare 800 pound whale washed up on the shore of a New Jersey beach. It was called extremely rare because it was the first time in months Chris Christie was seen out in public.

A bitter husband in Japan talked to his wife for the first time in 20 years. To which Mel Gibson’s wife said “Lucky woman…”

A bitter husband in Japan talked to his wife for the first time in 20 years. What was even worse is that he broke his silence with “You missed a spot on that window.”

China has rebuked Donald Trump, saying Twitter is not an instrument for foreign policy. To which Trump agrees, seeing it also as a device for his economic, labor and environmental policies.

Cuban high priests known as babalawos predict 2017 will be filled with corruption, robbery and squandering of public funds. Which was comforting for the people living on the island knowing that the New Year will bring no major changes.

Cuban high priests known as babalawos predict 2017 will be filled with corruption, robbery and squandering of public funds. The news was a surprise to some, mostly the ones who thought “Babalowos” was a reference to a “Saturday Night Live” skit from the ‘70s about Barbara Walters.

China has issued its first red alert for fog. Apparently it is seen as a danger because the fog has become so thick it is nearly impossible for people to see all the smog that is trapped inside it.

A report says Donald Trump, who has already gone after Ford and GM may take on Chrysler next for their workers in Mexico. Apparently he wants the workers back in the U.S. but says he has no problem if they leave their cars south of the border.

Hulu has made a deal with CBS to stream its programming. Which is great news for the five CBS viewers who are young enough to even know what streaming is.

A new law in France says all its citizens automatically become organ donors. Which is good news for patients needing transplants. At least as long as because of the French lifestyle of fatty foods, wine and cigarettes they don’t need a kidney, lungs, heart or liver.

Fisher Price is set to launch a high tech exercise bike for toddlers that includes a tablet holder. Which means in the future those kids will know a bicycle as the thing where they can set down their iPad.

U.S. consumers set a 9 year high for December spending in 2016. Mostly for the people who finally had enough money to buy the Christmas presents they weren’t able to afford and give since 2008.

The BBB has given the MyPillow an F rating while revoking its accreditation. How do you even make a pillow that gets a failing score? What did they do, fill a pillowcase with rocks?

The BBB has given the MyPillow an F rating while revoking its accreditation. It was so bad, people complained about being uncomfortable while trying it out with their new bed of nails.

Comcast says it wants to tackle bad home Internet speed. Mostly for the people who need more bandwidth to stream programming on their computer because they are being overcharged so much by their monthly cable TV bill.

Three brands of cat food, including 9 Lives have been recalled because of a lack of an important nutrient. It was so bad that several cat owners reported their pets were now down to only 7 lives.

Rex Tillerson has retired from ExxonMobil with a retirement package of $180 Million. Apparently the Trump Administration wants to prevent rumors of pay to play with the Secretary of State position like Hillary Clinton went through by hiring someone worth a quarter billion dollars to begin with.

The DASH diet has been named as the world’s best diet for the seventh year in a row. Except in America where the preferred diet while eating out is still the dine-and-dash.

Studies show that eating the Mediterranean diet makes for a healthier and younger brain. To which most people say that is nice but they are waiting for more of those studies that show it’s healthy to sleep late, drink alcohol and eat chocolate.

Scientists have identified a new organ that connects the intestines to the abdomen called the mesentery. How obese have we gotten that it has taken doctors this long to find another organ they never even knew we had through all the fat?

Scientists have identified a new organ that connects the intestines to the abdomen called the mesentery. You would think after centuries of cutting people open, doctors would have already figured that out. It’s like a cartographer all of a sudden noticing there is a new island they never noticed before off the California coast.

A study says gun violence is given less funding than other injuries causing death. Mostly because anyone who wants the latest statistics on shootings is pretty much just told to watch the evening news.

The FDA is probing the dangers of exploding e-cigarettes. Although how much probing is necessary to figure out there is a lot of danger in any problem that includes the word “exploding”?

The FDA is probing the dangers of exploding e-cigarettes. Especially the odds of not making it through the day while lighting up an e-cigarette while driving a Tesla electric car and checking out social media on a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

The Labor Department is looking for new ideas to fight the most common workplace injury, hearing loss. So far, businesses say the best idea is how they are protecting U.S. workers from factory noise by shipping all of those jobs to China.

The Labor Department is looking for new ideas to fight the most common workplace injury, hearing loss. The only problem was when they tried to hold hearings about hearing but everyone there was just at a loss.

The Labor Department is looking for new ideas to fight the most common workplace injury, hearing loss. The worst part was holding a public hearing where all the participants just kept saying “What?”

Kim Kardashian has officially returned to social media after taking three months off after being robbed in Paris. And who says the French are not our allies?

Kim Kardashian has officially returned to social media after taking three months off after being robbed in Paris. How badly shaken was she from the ordeal where it caused her to actually go 90 days keeping all of her clothes on?

Willie Nelson thanked Snoop Dogg for giving him a weed themed Christmas sweater. The only problem came when Nelson ruined it when he assumed it was made of hemp and tried to smoke it.

Mariah Carey is reportedly “moritified” after her “horrible” performance on New Year’s Eve. The problem was that she couldn’t hear what was going on and what was worse is that everyone else could.

Mariah Carey is reportedly “moritified” after her “horrible” performance on New Year’s Eve. The good news is that she helped her fans with their New Year’s resolution. Mostly not ever buying tickets for a Mariah Carey concert.

The San Francisco 49ers gave Colin Kaepernick an award for being an “inspirational and courageous” player. Not for protesting the National Anthem but for sticking around after that to have go through being announced as the team’s quarterback.

Scientists are searching for aliens in the galaxy sending “weird” radio signals. If they think those are weird, just wait until those aliens start receiving radio signals coming back from Earth from Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage.

Samsung says it will soon reveal the cause of their exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Apparently it may have had something to do with changing their batteries from nickel and cadmium to gunpowder and nitroglycerine.

BMW, Intel and Mobileye are working together to test 40 autonomous BMW cars on U.S. highways. The only problem with that is what’s the point of spending $80,000 on a new BMW and not being able to get behind the wheel and floor it like you’re racing down the Autobahn?

Social publishing site Medium says it is laying off one third of its workforce because of decreasing revenue. The company’s CEO had to come out and say that things at Medium are so-so.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says that Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager John Podesta used the e-mail password “password.” Well, it’s not like there were any more issues concerning Hillary’s presidential campaign and e-mails.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says that Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager John Podesta used the e-mail password “password” and that his account could have been hacked “by a 14 year old.” What’s worse, Hillary Clinton was reportedly using an even more obvious password, “Killbill.”

Donald Trump reportedly wants the power of the Director of National Intelligence to be limited. Up until now, the only words in that sentence used to describe the prospect of a Trump presidency were “limited” and “intelligence.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 15 days until the beginning of the Trump Administration. Which means 16 more days until we start referring to what were “The good old days.” It’s not that I am concerned that Donald Trump will single-handedly destroy the country. It will take a concerted effort that also involves Congress and the Supreme Court. But I have no doubt if they put their minds to it they will have no trouble succeeding. At least I will still have this site to post my jokes which hopefully you will still turn to for a little dose of humor. Although I might be outdone by what will be on the evening news every night. All I really care about is that you all will remember to always keep on sending the love!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are passing judgement on Mr. Trump before he even takes office. Apparently the optimism of the American worker and the returning jobs to America are bad things in your mind. The last 8 years will only be considered "The good old days" by people more concerned about feeling good rather than performance. This country did not become the best country in the world by taking from the producers and giving to the lazy. It became great by providing equal opportunity to all to succeed. Some people have no desire to work and instead rely on the government to take care of them. Like it or not, Mr. Trump is a businessman. It's time we had someone in power who is truly interested in making the country great instead of apologizing for it. It's time we defeat those who want to defeat us. Enough is enough. Mr. Trump will make some mistakes. All presidents do. But unlike you, I will reserve my judgement of him until i see how he performs.