Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A United Airlines flight from Sydney to San Francisco was diverted to Auckland when a passenger became unruly. The good news was that when they landed in New Zealand they were at least able to visit their luggage.

A United Airlines flight from Sydney to San Francisco was diverted to Auckland when a passenger became unruly after being seated between two other passengers who were talking around him. It’s too bad he couldn’t have figured out a solution, like say trading seats?

Prince Harry says saving endangered animals is “God’s test” for humanity. Unfortunately we failed the first test by being the ones responsible for making the animals endangered in the first place.

Prince Harry says saving endangered animals is “God’s test” for humanity. Not only that, it is also finally a job that has been found to keep the Royal Family busy.

George W. Bush and the Clintons have committed to attending Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Bush is going there to celebrate his chance to finally lost his title as “worst President ever.”

George W. Bush and the Clintons have committed to attending Donald Trump’s Inauguration. The worst part is that Trump really rubbed it in by sending the Clintons’ invitation by e-mail.

Sweden’s Queen Silvia says there are ghosts that haunt the Royal Palace. It’s either that or a result of waking up in the middle of the night seeing things after eating a late night plate of lutefisk.

Sweden’s Queen Silvia says there are ghosts that haunt the Royal Palace. People aren’t sure if she is talking about real apparitions of if it is simply a metaphor about looking back at when the Royal Family actually had some power.

Pot legalization activists are planning on handing out 4,200 joints at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Which means their idea of making America great again is taking it back to 1967.

Pot legalization activists are planning on handing out 4,200 joints at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. They know this is their chance to get national legislation to legalize pot with all the people who see it as the only way to get through the next four years.

A white supremacist website publisher has proposed an armed, anti-Semitic march in Whitefish, Montana on Martin Luther King Day. So far the residents feel the best way to stop the event is by temporarily renaming the town “Gefiltefish.”

House Republicans pulled a plan to gut a congressional ethics watchdog after Donald Trump criticized the move in a tweet. Apparently they figured it doesn’t get much worse than when even Donald Trump is questioning their ethics.

McDonald’s has opened a restaurant in a Vatican-owned building. The good news is that it is pulling in huge profits after feeding 4,000 with a single Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has proposed free tuition for students at all state colleges. The catch is that all applicants have to buy an officially licensed school sweat shirt that are now on sale for $100,000.

Chrysler has introduced a new feature where cars can take selfies of people in all six seats and send them out over social media. The only bug to work out is keeping the cars sending out photos on Facebook from continually crashing into trees.

Chrysler has introduced a new feature where cars can take selfies of people in all six seats and send them out over social media. The only problem is finding friends who don’t mind everyone on Facebook seeing them riding in a Chrysler.

Americans ended 2016 with higher confidence in the economy than at any other time since 2008. Apparently most Americans have finally been able to drink away the memories of what things have been like around here in the past 9 years.

Experts say gasoline prices in 2017 will be at their highest since 2012. Apparently oil company executives are getting tired of going the past five years without being able to buy hardly any new European vacation homes.

Mark Zuckerberg says he is no longer an atheist. The change happened when he realized he actually now has more money than God.

Mark Zuckerberg says he is no longer an atheist. To which Donald Trump is saying it’s nice to hear that he got Zuckerber’s vote for President.

Mark Zuckerberg says he is no longer an atheist. Mostly after figuring out there is no way anyone in their 30s can pile up $50 Billion in cash without getting at least a little outside help.

A report says U.S. factory activity hit a two year high. Which is good news as that means there was a little overtime work available for the three people in the country who still have jobs working machines.

A study says alcohol abuse is linked to a higher risk of heart problems. Which is ironically a problem mostly for people who drink to stop worrying that they are obese, diabetic and have high blood pressure.

A study says people get so passionate about politics because when their views are challenged, the brain becomes active in regions associated with personal identity. That and becoming completely annoyed trying to watch any political news on CNN for more than just a few seconds.

A study says people get so passionate about politics because when their views are challenged, the brain becomes active in regions associated with personal identity. Mostly from thinking about all the people who actually went to the polls and made Donald Trump our next President.

A study says only 77% of all New Year’s resolutions are still being kept after the first week of the New Year. Mostly because only 23% actually had the financial means to make the move out of the country when Donald Trump won the election.

ISIS is reportedly using an app to issue threats against the U.S. The worst part is they are getting their message out to teens who are hooked on the app’s accompanying video game “Jumping Jihadi.”

Democrats are mounting an aggressive messaging campaign to save Obamacare. To which most people supporting the legislation are asking why didn’t they bother to do that, say back in 2009?

Nancy Pelosi says Democrats need to urge voters to “take a second look” at Obamacare. Which they should have asked of House Republicans who haven’t looked at it even once but still managed to vote 50 times to repeal it.

First year medical students at Tulane University are required to take cooking classes. Mostly so after they graduate they can get a weekend job as a chef to help pay off eight years of medical school tuition loans.

Lena Dunham says showing her cellulite legs on the cover of Glamour Magazine was a “triumph for womankind.” Which was pretty much the male equivalent of putting the cast of “The Big Bang Theory” on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Mariah Carey’s “Glitter” DVD was released on Blu-ray at a bargain basement price of $6.99. Apparently after her New Year’s Eve meltdown on national TV she wanted people to watch the movie and see she really can lip sync.

Kevin Hart gave an interview where he listed his goals for 2017. Which is to make up for his off year in 2016 where there were actually two movies where he wasn’t able to make it on the screen.

Jenny McCarthy says Mariah Carey should stop blaming everyone else for her New Year’s Eve meltdown. Besides, if people really expected entertainment on New Year’s Eve they wouldn’t be tuning into a show hosted by Jenny McCarthy.

Ben Affleck says his kids and his marriage helped set him straight. Although if there was anything that really gave him the motivation to get his career on track again it was reading the reviews of “Gigli.”

Ronda Rousey has been given a 45 day medical suspension after her most recent MMA loss. Officials will inform her of the action just as soon as she finally wakes up.

A new app allows people to fix texts they didn’t mean to send. Which means the creator could win the Nobel Peace Prize for allowing Donald Trump’s staff to edit his tweets and prevent the start of World War III.

A study says anxiety can cause dogs’ hair to turn gray. Which is mostly caused by trying to help their owner solve that perpetual question of who is a good boy?

A study says anxiety can cause dogs’ hair to turn gray. Apparently it is just too much for some dogs worrying whether they will be able to get in their full 16 hours of sleep each day.

A report says Mariah Carey was seen at a New York City pot dispensary days before her New Year’s Eve meltdown. People were just surprised after the performance she wasn’t spotted at a methadone clinic.

A report says the Titanic may have been sunk because of a weakening of its hull from a fire that started days ahead of the fateful voyage. To which the people at Carnival Cruise Lines say “Yeah, we hate when that happens.”

A report says the Titanic may have been sunk because of a weakening of its hull from a fire that started days ahead of the fateful voyage. The sad part is that the last entry in the ship’s log after hitting the iceberg and starting to sink was “Fire is out!”

House conservatives say they will soon roll out their plan for the replacement for Obamacare. Which is pretty much “Get rich and stay healthy!”

Fox News is considering how to replace Megyn Kelly who has signed on with NBC. They will have trouble finding someone as tough as Kelly, who was able to go on their air every night for 12 years and not throw up after being constantly pawed at by Roger Ailes.

Republican Representative Tom Cole from Oklahoma says Donald Trump deserves credit for the GOP reversing its decision to gut the congressional ethics office. Do you really get credit for being a hero when you stop the people in your own party from doing something stupid?

A Wall Street lawyer is reportedly on the short list to head the SEC. Which is about as obvious a move as if Major League Baseball assigned Barry Bonds to lead an investigation into steroid use.

Omarosa Manigault from the first season of “The Apprentice” is joining Donald Trump’s White House team as public liaison. The only question now is how long before the administration is joined by the naked guy from “Survivor”?

Omarosa Manigault from the first season of “The Apprentice” is joining Donald Trump’s White House team as public liaison. Instead of hiring a manipulative, self-serving diva, if he has to pick his staff from game shows how about putting the nation’s problems into the hands of Ken Jennings and Watson?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Is it Spring Training yet? I am already tired of winter and it hasn’t really even started yet. Oh, well. Not that long before the PGA Tour starts up again, baseball isn’t far behind and the birds start nesting in Donald Trump’s hair. Ah, spring! In the meantime, I can always make it through the cold weather much easier when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


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