Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump’s immigration order has thrown airports into a state of confusion. Which turned into a nightmare on how to deal with it for anyone who has never before booked a flight on United.

Robot baristas are serving drinks at a coffee shop in San Francisco. The hardest part was training them to be like human baristas and be arrogant to customers while getting their orders wrong and misspelling their name on the cups.

The new Governor of Puerto Rico has signed a fiscal emergency law. Which is pretty much just an extension of the one that has been in effect since 1873.

A new breath test could save lives by detecting deadly cancers earlier. The only problem is that you don’t want to follow the person who was given a “breath” test to see if they have prostate cancer.

The world’s most expensive trip is being advertised as a voyage around the world on a private 767 jet with 50 guests visiting 20 cities in 20 days for $13.8 Million. Which will be reduced to $327 if the people on the trip travel without luggage, don’t want a pillow and bring their own snacks.

Casino owner Steve Wynn has been named as the new Finance Chair of the Republican National Committee. It was made obvious when the first change was in the RNC Headquarters with the installation of the new giant Roulette wheel.

Casino owner Steve Wynn has been named as the new Finance Chair of the Republican National Committee. It will be noticeable at all the RNC breakfast events when diners will be given the chance between courses to play a few games of Keno.

Casino owner Steve Wynn has been named as the new Finance Chair of the Republican National Committee. Or as skilled political fundraisers call gaming operators, “Amateur!”

Experts say that human porn stars will one day be replaced by “virtual actors.” To which anyone who has ever seen a porn movie is saying “There’s a difference?”

Experts say that human porn stars will one day be replaced by “virtual actors.” Which shouldn’t be too hard to be able to get them to repeat the usual lines they will need to know to play a pizza delivery man or pool boy.

Scientists say they have found the oldest human ancestor. Apparently they turned on the TV and just happened to catch the Omega XL commercial featuring Larry King.

A report says the Earth’s magnetic poles could be set to reverse soon. It could be devastating for humanity, especially with GPS giving out wrong directions and no one being able to be found by their Uber driver.

A report says the Earth’s magnetic poles could be set to reverse soon. Those disputing the findings are telling everyone to quit being so negative.

A report says the Earth’s magnetic poles could be set to reverse soon. Which means that Kim Kardashian’s daughter will have to change her name to South East.

A study says that people’s lives really do flash before their eyes when they are about to die. The sad part is when a person sees it takes a few seconds to show them sitting on the couch, eating chips and playing with their iPhone.

600 gravesites were reportedly vandalized in an Ohio cemetery. Police are baffled, saying so far they just haven’t been able to dig up any witnesses.

Donald Trump is set to announce his nominee to the Supreme Court today. Although Congress may delay the vote as it could be unnecessary after a couple more weeks when Trump is done completely destroying what is left of the Constitution.

Scientists say the entire universe may be a hologram. Which pretty much ends all the speculation about the possibility of an eleventh season of “The Big Bang Theory.”

Scientists say the entire universe may actually be a hologram. To which Stephen Hawking, when given the news said “D’Oh!”

Iraqi lawmakers are calling for a ban on Americans entering their country. Which is going to be a real disappointment in having to come up with other travel plans for both of them.

The St. Louis Cardinals have been ordered to give the Houston Astros $2 Million along with two draft picks for their part in hacking the Astros team database. If this sets precedence, the Russians may have to give the Democrats three Governors, two members of Congress and take back Donald Trump.

Masaya Nakamura, the “father of Pac-Man” has died at age 91. He says he was inspired to make the characters by the shape of pizza. Which ironically, the only thing making Americans fatter than pizza the past 40 years is playing video games.

Masaya Nakamura, the “father of Pac-Man” has died at age 91. He is survived by the person who developed the game “Pong,” who when told the news said “I win!”

An article says that Donald Trump’s immigration order could spark a brain drain that may hurt the U.S. economy. As opposed to the current brain drain that is killing the U.S. economy that is otherwise known as Congress.

Fitbit says it will cut 110 jobs because of falling profits. The good news is those employees will be able to make 10,000 steps a day while hitting the pavement looking for a new job.

A report says 4.2 Billion data records were stolen globally in 2016. Which means that with only 3.4 Billion people using the Internet, some hacker is ordering a new iPhone online using your credit card right now.

The American Cancer Society has hired an advertising group to help set their brand apart. Although for most people the Cancer Society will always be linked with another brand. Marlboro.

A study says that keeping minds busy with computers, video games and crafting may be useful in fighting dementia. The only problem with that is getting the people who partake in those same activities to find a way to fight becoming morbidly obese.

A study says many U.S. children suffer lower back pain. Mostly because it’s the one area on their body where their bones and muscles aren’t protected by a constant thick layer of fat.

 A study says many U.S. children suffer lower back pain. Which can be solved for most of them by not putting such a strain on their joints and bones by carrying around all that weight from their lunch and snacks in their backpack.

A study says alternative medicine might help in treating men manage premature ejaculation. That’s nothing new. The alternative medicine that has been used for years is still just thinking about baseball.

Recreational marijuana is now legal in Maine. Which gives some tourists another reason to vacation there other than the three days out of the year they can go there to work on their tan.

A study says that children on a Mediterranean diet of fruit and vegetables are less likely to have ADHD. People were surprised at the news. They actually found some kids who eat just fruit and vegetables?

A study says that bullied kids suffer academically as well as socially. That’s no surprise. You try and concentrate in math class with your underwear waistband pulled all the way up to your shoulders.

A report says a Japanese antidote for overwork is taking “inemuri” naps in public. That’s nothing new. We started that in America back in the 1960s and called it “math class.”

Ozzy Osbourne says he rejects the claim he is a sex addict and says he “just got caught.” To which most men are saying thanks for blowing it for the rest of us.

Ozzy Osbourne says he rejects the claim he is a sex addict and says he “just got caught.” And if there is anyone who knows what, when, where and why he is addicted to something, it is Ozzy Osbourne.

Former NBA player Stephen Jackson says he used to smoke pot before games. Which was evident in his career game stats where he averaged 15.1 points, 3.9 rebounds, 3.1 assists and 4.7 pizzas.

New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz says a trip to Miami before a playoff game where he was photographed on a boat was “not worth it.” Which is the first time anyone in recent memory has regretted a ride on a ship who wasn’t saying it from a Carnival Cruise Lines lifeboat.

Twitter says it will introduce new measures to crack down on harassment. Which was pretty much the result of a request by everyone on Twitter who has ever followed Donald Trump.

A poll says U.S. consumers says their worries about their privacy is on the rise. What’s worse is that the poll was conducted without their knowledge by the NSA.

Shares in Twitter stock went up after a co-founder says the site needs to ponder options like a takeover. To which most users are asking if he means something besides the takeover of the site by Donald Trump last year.

Google reportedly paid hackers $3 Million last year to find security flaws in their system. Which wouldn’t have been necessary if they had just paid $3 Million more to hire a team that actually knew how to design a security system.

The Gap has introduced an app that uses technology to recreate the dressing room experience of trying on clothes for people while at home. The bad part is when they destroy their iPhone when it tells them the dress they picked makes their butt look big.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says Apple would not exist without immigration. And he was just talking about the people who are working on the boats bringing in all the Apple products to the U.S. that were made in China.

Republican members of Congress are set to introduce legislation for a National Right to Work. Which most people could really get behind, especially if they could have the right to get a job where they work only 12 hours a week like Congress.

Donald Trump’s voter fraud expert Gregg Phillips was found to be registered in three different states. Although he denies it was voter fraud as in each case they spelled his name perfectly correct.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer says President Trump has treated reporters “above and beyond.” Meaning just slightly above terrorists and so far just beyond torture.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not in a very good mood this week. The world is changing quickly and I don’t like a lot of what I see. I will just leave it at that and hope things are going well for all of you. Hopefully this is all a temporary phase we are going through, although that is pretty much what they said to the Wolfman every time there was a full Moon. As usual, I am sure I will start to feel better when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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