Sunday, January 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett say they are optimistic that the U.S. will move ahead as a nation. It would be nice if the rest of us who don’t have a net worth of $50 Billion could be so confident.

NASA says it fears cosmic rays from outer space will damage the brains of passengers on planes. Which could be said for anyone booking a flight on United Airlines, “Too late!”

NASA says it fears cosmic rays from outer space will damage the brains of passengers on planes. The statement comes from years of comparing scientific research along with the plot of a recent episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

Some Burger King workers in New Hampshire were arrested for selling marijuana at work using the code words “extra crispy.” Which was also exactly what customers said when asked how they felt after smoking the weed.

Some Burger King workers in New Hampshire were arrested for selling marijuana at work using the code words “extra crispy.” Which is ironic as when they were done smoking the weed, most the customers headed straight over to the nearest KFC.

A ride sharing service for women only is set to start up in Boston. Which already pretty much describes the men who would use Uber but just don’t want to be seen being driven around town in a Prius.

A Japanese tech company is teaching Artificial Intelligence to give love advice to troubled hearts. Which is mostly saying to women, “He’s cheating” and to men “She’s not into you.”

Restaurants in France have been banned from giving customers unlimited soda. Authorities say it’s bad enough they are known for being smelly, rude and cowardly, but apparently they are drawing the line at other people calling them fat.

Restaurants in France have been banned from giving customers unlimited soda. Which only becomes a health issue when three or four soft drinks are consumed on top of the six bottles of wine that are also emptied during each meal.

Ohio State University is offering a class that teaches students to detect white privilege. Which mostly pertains to any students who are planning to transfer to BYU.

Rhode Island officials have condemned Donald Trump’s executive order banning refugees. Which is a brave stand in support of the three refugees who have ever actually decided to settle in Rhode Island.

Signatures are being collected in support of a drive for California to secede from the U.S. Californians haven’t been this passionate about a movement since the effort last week to save the spotted longhorn tiger beetle.

Signatures are being collected in support of a drive for California to secede from the U.S. The reason so many people have signed is the petitions are posted where they are seen by the most people, in Starbucks, yoga classes and poke bowl restaurants.

The University of California says it will pay for lawyers for immigrant students who are detained by federal agents because of Donald Trump’s latest executive order. Mostly because they know that if the students have massive legal fees they might not live long enough to also be able to pay off all their tuition loans.

A study says the more math kids learn in high school, the more money they make in their careers. Especially the ones who can figure out in their heads how long it will take to pay off their college tuition loans with their minimum wage salary.

A study says the more math kids learn in high school, the more money they make in their careers. Which was a disappointment to the students who found out it didn’t apply to having to take basic algebra four times.

Two men in New York have been arrested after taking in $81 Million in a Ponzi scheme based around the musical “Hamilton.” As opposed to other swindlers who besides Hamiltons will take Lincolns, Washingtons, Jacksons, Grants and Franklins.

Two men in New York have been arrested after taking in $81 Million in a Ponzi scheme based around the musical “Hamilton.” At $900 a ticket, they would have made more money scalping tickets outside the theater.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg are criticizing President Trump’s actions in his first week. They say if this keeps up, they say he might just wake up one morning to find they both unfriended him.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg are criticizing President Trump’s actions in his first week. To which Trump says they are just mad because the only way they can find out what he is doing is by following him on Twitter.

California says it will require cancer warnings to be put on Roundup weed killer. Which will be ironic for the users whose families will be using Roundup to keep all the weeds away from where they are buried.

California says it will require cancer warnings to be put on Roundup weed killer. Which will be ironic for the people who wanted to get rid of all their weeds and ended up pushing up daisies.

California says it will require cancer warnings to be put on Roundup weed killer. To which the weeds are saying “Hey, that’s nothing. You should see what the stuff does to us!”

Sprint is promising a “real cliff hanger” for its upcoming Super Bowl ad. Which will be almost as suspenseful as it is for Sprint customers who wait on the edge of their seat every time they make a call to see if it actually goes through.

A study says depression is as bad for the heart as cholesterol. Especially for the people who become hopelessly sad when their doctor tells them to lay off the Haagen Dazs.

A poll says that most Americans fear they will lose their health coverage in the fight over Obamacare. Which shouldn’t be that much of a surprise considering they voted in a Congress and President who promised the first thing they would do is repeal Obamacare.

A study says patients get more face-to-face time with their doctors when the office operates on schedule. Which is tough to explain to doctors when they consider making people sit in the waiting room three hours to be on time.

A study says patients get more face-to-face time with their doctors when the office operates on schedule. Although that doesn’t apply to when patients don’t expect any face-to-face time when they have an appointment with their proctologist.

Doctors in Boston are trying to unravel the mystery of why 14 patients in a cluster were stricken with a rare type of amnesia. It was detected when all 14 patients simultaneously forgot to pay their medical bills.

Doctors in Boston are trying to unravel the mystery of why 14 patients in a cluster were stricken with a rare type of amnesia. It was the biggest case of memory loss seen in Boston since Tom Brady was questioned over Deflategate.

The American Heart Association says the heart failure rate is going up in the U.S. And that was just from the 2016 presidential campaign.

A study says a lack of exercise may invite dementia. Especially for the people who forgot why they have been sitting on the couch for 18 hours a day in the first place.

The doctor behind the Alkaline Diet is facing jail time for practicing without a license. Not only that, it turns out that the idea of developing an alkaline diet means he could be charged with battery.

A study says that girls feel “less smart” than boys by age 6. That changes when they turn 16 and see the boys at parties trying to show how they can dance.

An American basketball player’s eye popped out of its socket during a game in New Zealand when he was poked in the face. The player is reportedly doing well, although he isn’t really crazy about his new nickname of “Popeye.”

An American basketball player’s eye popped out of its socket during a game in New Zealand when he was poked in the face. Apparently he was taking it a bit too literally when his coach told him to keep his eye on the ball.

An American basketball player’s eye popped out of its socket during a game in New Zealand when he was poked in the face. The good news is when he went to the free throw with his eye hanging out he couldn’t see all the home team fans trying to distract him.

Scientists say they were able to inject a virus into mice’s ears to restore their hearing. The only problem is the lab has been overrun by mice that can now get away when they hear the cat coming.

A study says 1 in 10 women suffer painful sex. The other 9 don’t have to worry about that as they have chosen a partner from England, Ireland or Scotland.

John Hurt, who starred as the “Elephant Man” has died at age 77. Fortunately, just that role guarantees that he will never be forgotten.

John Hurt, who starred as the “Elephant Man” has died at age 77. The only problem is he never made a lot of money acting. Even his Academy Award nominated performance as the Elephant Man only paid him peanuts.

Willie Nelson had to cancel a show in Las Vegas because of illness. Apparently he left town when he found out only Nevada residents qualify for a prescription for medical marijuana.

An All-America high school football recruit was cited for marijuana possession during an official visit to Ohio State University. The good news is that while dropped by OSU, he is now available to skip college and go straight to being drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals.

A Scottish soccer goalie was kicked out of a match for peeing behind the goal. The worst part is he was given a red card when the violation clearly called for yellow.

The Australian Open Men’s and Women’s finalists’ ages added up to 135 years. When people heard that they thought they were going to see an exhibition match between Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe.

The Australian Open Men’s and Women’s finalists’ ages added up to 135 years. Those are the kind of numbers tossed around when the PGA Champions Tour decides to send the golfers out in twosomes.

Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony says about home fans booing him, “I enjoy it.” Everyone knows Knicks fans are discriminating, and a player is fine as long as they never miss a shot and win the NBA Championship every year.

Mark Zuckerberg says he opposes Donald Trump’s executive order on immigration. Which is unusual for someone who helped create a community where the fastest way to draw attention to yourself is to be anything other than a white or Asian male.

A report says the Moon’s gravity is slowing down the Earth’s rotation and in another 180 Million years, days will be 25 hours long. To which most companies are taking early action, saying all employees must immediately start working a 9 hour shift.

Toshiba is selling off part of its memory business. The only problem is that when asked about it no one at the company could remember who bought it or for how much.

Ford has developed a new device that allows older cars to connect with smartphones to become Wi-Fi hotspots. It’s the first time the term “Ford” and “hotspot” were used together other than with collisions involving a 1973 Pinto.

Researchers say they have found a long lost Dark Ages kingdom in Scotland. It’s called “Scotland.”

Donald Trump has signed an executive order banning government officials from lobbying for five years after they leave. The good news is that it doesn’t stop them from continuing with all their current lobbying efforts while they are still in office.

A Washington, D.C. man is being accused of aiding ISIS with gift cards. Authorities were tipped off when ISIS members were caught using the cards at Ross Dress For Less to buy items off the suicide bombing vest sale rack.

NASA has installed a new lighting system on the International Space Station that is designed to help astronauts sleep better. Or Mission Control could actually let them sleep once in awhile instead of blasting them awake every morning by cranking up “We Will Rock You” over the speaker system.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I wrote about the Mary Tyler Moore joke I posted on Facebook last week that got such a reaction. Actually, most of it was positive. But the people who were so “offended” (it wasn’t an offensive joke) were so nasty about it. One douchebag even threatened to get me fired from my job. I checked out the guy’s site and guess what? He is a Trump supporter. No surprise there. We are living in a society that is becoming more authoritarian and that really scares me. Big Brother is here, and if you don’t fall in line watch out! I am glad all of you still have a sense of humor but I am really worried about the direction our country is headed. We don’t all have to think alike to make things run. One final note about the MTM joke…a reader pointed out that one of the greatest TV show episodes of all time is the MTM “Chuckles Bites The Dust” which is about…are you ready for this…making jokes about someone who has recently died. There is some irony for you. Mary Tyler Moore would have been proud and probably would have laughed. I hate to rant. I would rather just continue with the part of this blog that makes you all laugh. Whichever part that is. In the meantime, as usual I get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you found an exception to the rule. The Trump haters are by far more angry and disruptive than the Trump supporters. It's the Trump haters who are demonstrating and rioting in the streets. They refuse to accept the results of the election. They are free to demonstrate and express their opinions, but not to destroy other people's property. If Hilary had won the election, you would not see Trump supporters acting so badly. Of course I have no way to prove this except to cite the election and reelection of Obama. The "right" accepted the results of the elections and did not demonstrate or destroy property. The Trump haters expected the Trump supporters to accept the results of the election...until their candidate lost. Then they suddenly decided complaining and violence were OK. The Trump haters have created a new low in American politics.

Anonymous said...

From a Facebook friend...

Just heard from a friend who was on a business trip in Portland, Oregon. He received a call from his wife that their daughter was in labor with their first grandbaby. He was able to schedule an immediate flight out but upon arriving at the airport was blocked by a large group of "peaceful" protesters who surrounded his car and began breaking his windows out with baseball bats. He had to put his car in reverse and quickly leave the area. His flight had been due to arrive in San Diego at 9:05PM and his grand daughter was born at 11:16PM. He missed seeing her birth and what should have been a great time of joy for my friend and his family.

Hopefully, he will be able to make it out on a flight today AFTER his windows are repaired.

These violent protestors don't care that they are disrupting American citizens lives protesting for non citizens.

Anyone who supports this type of behavior should be highly ashamed of themselves.