Friday, January 27, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the ability of ISIS to drop bombs with pinpoint accuracy has alarmed the U.S. military. Not because of the threat of attacks, but that they could use the drone technology to completely take over the U.S. pizza delivery service.

A study says life continues at the cellular level in the body after death. Which is good news for hospitals that can now keep patients a few more days even after they have died while continuing to bill their insurance company.

A report says the GOP expects sweeping changes at the FCC under Donald Trump. For one thing, they many finally finish their investigation into what really happened with the 2004 Super Bowl Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.

A report says the GOP expects sweeping changes at the FCC under Donald Trump. For one thing, CNN, MSNBC and all the TV networks except Fox News can pretty much count on getting their broadcasting licenses changed to low power status.

Democratic members of Congress are going through training to learn to talk to real people. The sessions start out with wine and cheese receptions, which the first thing Democrats need to learn is that real people never go to wine and cheese receptions.

Democratic members of Congress are going through training to learn to talk to real people. Which apparently is done now by first signing up to have a Twitter account.

A new fad has people losing fat by freezing it away. If fat could actually be lost through cooling down, then why do so many people have the opposite effect after polishing off a gallon of Haagen Dazs?

Scientists say they have created a human-pig hybrid embryo that will be used to try to grow donor organs. It is the first combination between humans and pigs ever observed anywhere other than in the drive-thru line at a fast food restaurant.

A former CNN reporter wrote an article criticizing the network for being “substance-free.” Maybe with their news content, but not when it comes to people wondering what CNN President Jeff Zucker must be smoking.

A proposed bill in Rhode Island would fine people for stopping their cars to give panhandlers money. Leave it to politicians to try to find a way to take money meant for the homeless and poor and divert it into their own pockets.

A California student who was forced to go into a closet and pee in a bucket instead of being allowed to visit the bathroom has been awarded $1.3 Million. Which gives a whole new meaning to having a Bucket List.

Donald Trump is proposing a 20% border tax to pay for his wall. Which means now when five immigrants are caught trying to sneak past a border crossing into the U.S. in the trunk of a Chevy, one of them has to volunteer to go back.

Donald Trump is proposing a 20% border tax to pay for his wall. Which could make it too expensive and for all practical purposes put an end to the booming worldwide sport of flipping the ball on a string into the cup on a handle.

The Doomsday Clock has been set at two and a half minutes to midnight, the closest to a warning of possible global catastrophe since 1953. Which means it’s a good thing the adjustment came after the Daylight Saving Time change or we would have already gone Kaboom!

The Doomsday Clock has been set at two and a half minutes to midnight, the closest to a warning of possible global catastrophe since 1953. Not to say that the update is related to Donald Trump, but when asked what crisis happened in 1953 scientists say Trump turned 7.

A report says people are trying to sell bottles of McDonald’s Big Mac sauce they got for free online for hundreds and even thousands of dollars. Which is the perfect sandwich spread for people who spent the same amount of money to buy some Jesus toast.

A report says Bill Gates could become the world’s first trillionaire by 2042. Tech experts were surprised by the news. Microsoft will still be around for more than another couple of years?

A report says Bill Gates could become the world’s first trillionaire by 2042. Maybe by then he will feel he has enough financial security to gamble on going somewhere other than Fantastic Sam’s for a haircut.

A study says Americans are bad with computer passwords and are susceptible to hacks, but overall don’t care. Mostly because it’s not like they have anything in their bank or 401(k) accounts that they have to worry about being stolen.

Oprah Winfrey is launching her own food line of nutritious, ready-to-eat meals. The only problem is that if the food is so healthy, why did she recently spend $43 Million to buy a piece of Weight Watchers?

An actor in California killed himself while broadcasting it on Facebook Live. It was the first on camera death in Hollywood other than all the scenes shot for every Adam Sandler film.

An actor in California killed himself while broadcasting it on Facebook Live. His last words while he was watching his final moments were “Could we not find one person in this entire city who knows how to light a set?”

The CEO of Ford says he is hopeful that President Trump will ease mileage standards and reduce corporate taxes. Then it will be perfect when they get the OK to stop paying their labor and do away with all those annoying safety standards.

The CEO of Ford says he is hopeful that President Trump will ease mileage standards and reduce corporate taxes. Otherwise the only way they will be able to make a profit would be to manufacture a quality and dependable vehicle that holds a high resale value.

A report says the share of U.S. union membership has fallen to the lowest level on record. Mostly because it’s tough to organize people who would find it hard to go on strike at all three minimum wage jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A survey says 54% of all Americans have no money in the stock market. What’s worse is that the reason they have no money in the stock market is because they just have no money.

A survey says 54% of all Americans have no money in the stock market. The sad part is when they are told the Dow has made it to $20,000 they want to know how they can get a job like Dow that pays that much a year.

A class action lawsuit has been filed by parents who bought their children Hatchimal toys that didn’t work as advertised. The pursuit of justice could cost millions and take several years to settle. Or they could have just taken the toys back to the return counter where they bought them.

A report says student loan lenders see an opportunity with Donald Trump in the White House with cuts in government backed loans. They were even more disappointed with losing out on the massive student loans taken out while Trump University was still in business.

Doctors in Canada kept a woman waiting for a transplant alive six days without lungs. Apparently they managed to do it by sending her to smog-choked China which is the one place in the world where it is safer to live without a pair of lungs.

The CDC says children with ADHD account for 6 Million doctor visits a year. Mostly because it takes several dozen appointments for the kids to sit even long enough to check their vitals.

A report says 2/3 of U.S. kids consume at least one sweetened beverage a day. To which the kids are saying how else are they expected to wash down their dinner of two pizzas, three cheeseburgers and five orders of fries?

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch says changes are needed to fix our broken health care system. Like maybe not allowing pharmaceutical companies that make life-saving products not be able to raise their prices 500% overnight.

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch says changes are needed to fix our broken health care system. The main reason the system is broken is because of pharmaceutical companies like Mylan that see to it all their customers end up broke.

Finland says it is trying to become tobacco free by 2040. The only problem is the main reason people there smoke is to cover up the smell of lutefisk on their breath.

Finland says it is trying to become tobacco free by 2040. The one thing Nordic countries can do is really put the “cold” in cold turkey.

George Strait granted a wish to a young fan who is losing his hearing. Apparently he gave him some Justin Bieber CDs and told him he would come to appreciate the gift after he goes deaf.

Sofia Vergara is defending her character on “Modern Family,” asking “What’s wrong with being a stereotype?” Which is exactly the same question asked by every person who has ever had a role in a prime time network TV show.

Sofia Vergara is defending her character on “Modern Family,” asking “What’s wrong with being a stereotype?” To which most men will say nothing as long as the stereotype is based on a ditzy woman with a smokin’ hot body.

“Sing 2” is set for a Christmas 2020 theatrical release. Which is really amazing is the fact that they are even ahead of the major political parties in announcing their plans for an upcoming election year.

A gas station in Georgia says it will ban the sales of Sam Adams beer before the Super Bowl because of a column in the Boston Globe slamming Atlanta. People were surprised at the news. There is a gas station in Georgia that sells beer other than Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Tiger Woods shot a 4-over par 76 in his latest return to the PGA Tour. The event was at Torry Pines, the site of his last major win in the 2008 U.S. Open while he was injured. In fact, when he plays at Torrey Pines and fans yell for him to “break a leg,” they really mean it.

Starbucks says their sales were down last quarter because their stores were too crowded. It is the first time in history a business claimed their profit margin is slipping because they have too many customers.

The White House says President Trump is planning to pay for the border wall with Mexico by imposing a 20% tax on any imports. Which would not pertain to any items small enough for the sellers to be able to toss over a ten foot high barrier.

Google says it has banned 200 websites as part of its policy against fake news. The tough part will be for people who get on the search engine and find they can no longer log onto Facebook.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker says the Trump Administration is “lying and spreading propaganda to mislead the public.” To which he was then asked which rock he has been hiding under through the primaries, campaign and election.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker says the Trump Administration is “lying and spreading propaganda to mislead the public.” Which as the nation’s 45th President Trump says he is just following the precedent set by the previous 44.

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker says the Trump Administration is “lying and spreading propaganda to mislead Americans.” Or as that is known around Washington, D.C., a pretty effective campaign strategy.

A poll says Americans are split on whether America will be better off by 2020. Apparently for most people that call depends on whether or not Donald Trump is still in the White House by then.

Donald Trump set a new low with his inauguration approval ratings. Which is good news for the new President as he figures at this point it’s pretty hard to go anywhere but up.

Donald Trump reportedly pressured the head of the National Park Service to find proof for Trump’s claims about the Inauguration Day crowds. Unfortunately, he was unable to help as the Park Service has been spending all their time cracking down on the continuing mysterious disappearance of thousands of pic-a-nic baskets.

A study says that little girls doubt that women can be brilliant. Especially the ones who watched Madonna’s rant at the Women’s March on Washington.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I posted one of my jokes about Mary Tyler Moore on Facebook yesterday and got quite a reaction. While many people liked it (I thought it was pretty harmless and I am a huge fan of MTM) there were quite a few who took exception to it. I find the hardest part of joke writing is dealing with people who have no sense of humor. I don’t expect anyone to like every one of my jokes. Or in some cases any of my jokes. But when people have ugly reactions and get insulting about it, I can’t figure that out. If I read a joke I don’t like or find offensive I either move on to the next one or stop reading. If in the first place you get offended reading jokes, perhaps you shouldn’t be doing it. The whole point of most jokes is to make fun of someone who is rich, famous or has authority. Oh, well. I appreciate all of you who read these and usually have nice things to say other than complaining about the time lost that you will never see again. The bottom line is it’s all worthwhile for me when you remember to always keep on sending the love!


No comments: