Thursday, January 26, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

TV icon Mary Tyler Moore has died at age 80. Apparently she was run over by a truck while spinning around in a crosswalk throwing a hat into the air.

TV icon Mary Tyler Moore has died at age 80. The reaction across the country was similar. “Oh, no, Louuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”

Trump Adviser Peter Thiel has been granted citizenship in New Zealand. Things are getting scary when even the people who are closest to Donald Trump are coming up with plans to move halfway around the world.

A report says massive networks of fake accounts have been found on Twitter. What is amazing is that all of them put together are not responsible for as much fake news that is generated by each tweet from Donald Trump.

A new Tostitos party bag will be able to tell if a person has been drinking and will also be able to summon a ride with Uber. Of course, the best way to tell if someone has been drinking is when they consume an entire bag of Tostitos in three minutes.

A new Tostitos party bag will be able to tell if a person has been drinking and will also be able to summon a ride with Uber. The problem is when the people use the Uber ride to go to the store for more beer and Tostitos.

Kraft Heinz is planning on giving all its workers the day off following the Super Bowl. The downside is that when they all return to their job on Tuesday they will have fallen behind and will have to work extra hard to ketchup.

Restaurants nationwide are seeking sanctuary status because of the large number of immigrants they employ. Which will probably be granted as politicians want to reform immigration but they don’t want to pay any more for their steak dinners.

Scientists are expecting the Doomsday Clock to be set closer to midnight, the time when nuclear war is imminent. Although after a few more months of the Trump Administration the clock will be moved all the way up to 3:15 AM.

A study says taking part in nudist activities makes people feel more satisfied with their bodies. Although not so much for the people who have to look at all the obese people who always seem to be the first ones to shed their clothes.

Usain Bolt will lose his 2008 Olympic gold medal in the 4x100 relay because of a teammate’s doping violation. Which seems unfair because Bolt could probably have taken all four medals if he just would have run the entire race by himself.

A report says Russians fear for their privacy as hacking accusations continue to swirl. People were surprised by the news. Russians have some sort of privacy?

Transit police in New Jersey have arrested three people who owe a combined $682,000 in unpaid tolls. Apparently they were OK paying the tolls on roads leaving the state but they felt it was unfair to be charged to come back in to New Jersey.

Transit police in New Jersey have arrested three people who owe $682,000 in unpaid tolls and fees. It turns out the fees were actually rent they were charged for sitting in place for days waiting for Chris Christie to reopen the George Washington Bridge.

Louisiana’s election chief says there is no evidence of any voter fraud in the state. Officials in Louisiana only become suspicious of any possibly inappropriate poll activity when someone actually casts a vote for a Democrat.

Louisiana’s election chief says there is no evidence of any voter fraud in the state. They checked the voting records and every person who cast a vote signed in by making a proper “X.”

Germany is set to abolish a law against insulting foreign heads of state. Which means the country must be preparing for an upcoming visit by President Trump.

A report by the Economist Intelligence Unit has downgraded the U.S. from a “full” to a “flawed” democracy, with rights comparable to Italy and Poland. What’s even worse is that the report is talking about Italy and Poland right before World War II.

 A report by the Economist Intelligence Unit has downgraded the U.S. from a “full” to a “flawed” democracy. People were pleasantly surprised with the news that someone still thinks the U.S. operates as a democracy.

The Dow hit the 20,000 mark for the first time ever on Wednesday. Donald Trump immediately sent out a tweet taking credit for the Dow reaching its new high of 50,000.

Harvard has laid off half of the staff managing its $36 Billion endowment because of recent poor returns. It’s just too bad the university doesn’t have access to any people who have recently graduated from a prestigious business school.

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has given $279 Million for a project to track health and cause of death data around the world. The bad part is that the main cause of death for most people is spending their entire life sitting in front of a PC screen.

A group of Senators wants President Trump to fight to keep call center jobs from going offshore. To which anyone who has ever called the computer tech support hot line is saying “There are call centers in the U.S.?

A group of Senators wants President Trump to fight to keep call center jobs from going offshore. People in support of the idea are urged to call the special 800 number they have created and ask for Ahmed.

American Airlines is dropping seat back screens from their new jets. Mostly because who wants to watch reruns of “The Golden Girls” when they can spend the whole flight using their own device to watch their favorite online porn?

A group of Democratic Senators wants AT&T to explain how their $85.4 Billion takeover of Time Warner is in the public interest. To which most people would like AT&T and Time Warner how either of their existences is in the public interest.

GE is teaming up with the Boston Celtics in a deal that will feature their logo on the team’s jerseys. Although GE doesn’t insist that their logo be placed on every uniform, just the one worn by the team’s power forward.

The German auto industry is pushing back against accusations by President Trump that the automotive trade between the two countries is tipped in favor of Germany. The reason that German cars are more popular than American makes could just be a from Mercedes, BMW and Porsche vs. Chrysler, Ford and Chevy.

A report says house flipping is on the increase across the country. Which is good in every state except California where house flipping refers to what happens to the homes located next to the most recent earthquake fault line.

Sales of George Orwell’s novel “1984” have been soaring since Donald Trump became President. Although people who want the shorter version can buy Cliffs Notes or just sign up to follow President Trump on his Twitter account.

Sales of George Orwell’s novel “1984” have been soaring since Donald Trump became President. To which Trump is taking credit, saying he is now responsible for creating many more jobs in the publishing business.

A study says electrical brain stimulation may be able to treat people with bulimia. Mostly by zapping the person with 120 volts whenever their fingers get even close to their mouth.

A study is linking excessive pregnancy weight with children who become obese later in life. Especially when their mother spent the entire nine months when they were in the womb eating for five.

A study says one third of all middle age workers face job problems because of physical frailty. Especially the people who work at a desk with a computer who have become frail from spending their entire life on their backside.

A study says one third of all middle age workers face job problems because of physical frailty. People were surprised. One third of middle age people still have a job?

Madonna has been banned from Texarkana, Texas radio station Hits 105 because of her profanity-laced rant at the Women’s March on Washington last week. It could also have something to do with the radio station’s name implying it only plays hits.

Madonna has been banned from Texarkana, Texas radio station Hits 105 because of her profanity-laced rant at the Women’s March on Washington last week. People were surprised. There are radio stations in Texas that know who Madonna is?

Statistics say Oklahoma City’s Russell Westbrook has a 62% chance at averaging a triple double for the entire season. The only thing known about the formula used to determine the odds is that it was not figured out by anyone who ever went to college on a basketball scholarship.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan praised Tom Brady for his longevity in the NFL. Which is just his way of trying to get into Brady’s head before Super Sunday that he is getting old.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan praised Tom Brady for his longevity in the NFL. Brady’s secret is getting some extra rest by taking off a few games every few years when he is caught red handed at cheating.

Oscar De La Hoya was arrested earlier this week in California for DUI. The arresting officer knew he might be impaired when the boxer stopped the sobriety test and asked to be given a standing eight count.

Chargers guard Matt Slauson says some of his teammates have a “false enthusiasm” about the team’s move to L.A. Although that can’t be any more prevalent than their false enthusiasm over playing for the Chargers.

A tech firm is offering password-free security that relies on voice and user behavior. Which for most men means they log in by telling the computer to access their favorite porn site.

The CEO of AT&T on meeting with Donald Trump says “I was impressed.” Although not as impressed as his customers would be if they were able to dial someone on their cellphone and actually have the call go through.

Facebook says it is overhauling its “trending topics” algorithm to curb fake news. There haven’t been this many phony postings on Facebook since users were lying about how many acres they had accumulated playing “Farmville.”

A massive crack has been discovered in the Arizona desert. It is the most crack associated with the state since Flava Flav bought a winter vacation home in Tucson.

Mark Zuckerberg says he will not be the next billionaire president. Which because of Donald Trump’s refusal to hand over his tax returns may be Zuckerberg implying if he makes it to the White House he would be the first.

Mark Zuckerberg says he will not be the next billionaire president. Although after four years of Donald Trump the people may decide the White House should be occupied by someone who feels more comfortable in a tent on the North Lawn.

President Trump says receiving the nuclear code was a “sobering moment.” Which is ironic as the realization of that same moment drove most other people around the world to start drinking.

President Trump in an interview says that “torture works.” Which means he could test the Geneva Convention and subject enemy combatants to forcing them to watch hours of uninterrupted episodes of “The Apprentice.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know I started off with a couple of jokes about Mary Tyler Moore, but I like most others are mourning her passing at age 80. She was a great comedic actress going all the way back to the original “The Dick Van Dyke Show” where she had to play the straight person to one of the great comic actors of all time. Her title role in “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was one of the classic sitcoms where she pioneered having a single woman as the main character. The episode “Chuckles Bites The Dust” is considered one of the single best TV episodes in history and I have to agree. I was watching the original airing of that show and I still laugh when I think about it. Not only did she have a great career, but she was always described as a class act which is very easy to believe. Make sure to think of her today when you take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

benson said...

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.