Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

NFL TV viewership has fallen for the first time in four years. With the Patriots in the Super Bowl again, Tom Brady is again going to be taking the blame for the deflation.

The NFL says Lady Gaga won’t be paid for her Super Bowl Halftime performance. Her budget is so low that she is going to have to replace her meat dress with tofu.

A poll says 1 in 3 Californians support secession. Although not for the whole state. They want to split from the rest of the country but are willing to leave behind Bakersfield, Stockton and San Bernardino.

A report says mall owners are rushing to get out of the mall business. The worst part is that most of them have found that selling their malls is a lot easier and cheaper when done online.

Pope Francis I is calling on the media to end their focus on bad news like “wars, terrorism, scandals and human failure.” To which the media is asking what else is there?

Amazon has nabbed streaming’s first Best Picture Oscar nomination with “Manchester By The Sea.” The only concern is that if it wins, the award will be accepted by Alexa who will say “You like me! You really like me!”

Researchers say they have proven mindfulness meditation lowers stress hormones and decreases inflammation. Although if you have ever been to a meditation class, it is full of people who could use a few more male hormones.

Experts say a global epidemic of blindness is on the horizon if people continue to spend hours staring at digital screens. How bad is it when moms are telling their kids to save their eyes by going back to the old days of sitting too close to the TV?

Experts say a global epidemic of blindness is on the horizon if people continue to spend hours staring at digital screens. It’s getting so bad that people are crashing their cars into trees even when they aren’t in the middle of texting.

A man has vowed to build a cross for every shooting victim in Chicago. The only problem is the project could decimate three entire Midwest forest regions.

A man has vowed to build a cross for every shooting victim in Chicago. It would do a lot more good if he would instead donate a Kevlar vest for every gunshot victim.

NOAA says rising sea levels will most affect areas along the New England and Western Gulf of Mexico coastlines. To which government officials are asking if there is any way the threat could be diverted to other areas, like say Detroit?

A New York Times article features experts telling people how to fall the right way to avoid injuries. And by looking at subscription rates, no one knows more about how to fall than the New York Times.

HP is recalling 100,000 batteries over the possibility they may overheat and cause fires. To which Samsung is saying “You can recall batteries?”

HP is recalling 100,000 batteries over the possibility they may overheat and cause fires. Samsung immediately called them out for selling less powerful batteries that aren’t even strong enough to explode.

A record 6.8 Million people watched the Trump Inauguration over Twitter’s live stream. Mostly because without Trump tweeting, people actually used the site for something other than to see Donald Trump’s latest Twitter rant.

A survey says Millennials plan to keep new cars for five years or less. Which is good news for Chrysler who can target them for marketing their cars that run for five years or less.

Donald Trump is telling business leaders he will cut regulations by 75% or more. The other 25% will be left on the books but everyone will just look the other way.

A study says cancer deaths in the U.S. dropped by 20% since 1980. The bad news is that it is because before they are diagnosed with cancer, most Americans are dying earlier from their diabetes, morbid obesity and heart disease.

A study says even one high fat meal of pizza or a cheeseburger can disrupt a person’s liver function. Mostly because when people eat pizza or a cheeseburger they usually wash it down with at least a six pack of beer.

A medical student in New York is using magic tricks to make his patients’ fear and anxiety disappear. Which is different than practicing doctors who by magic make whatever their patients have in their wallets disappear.

The TV show “The Librarians” has been renewed for a 4th season on TNT. It is about an ancient group that protects mystical artifacts. Which pretty much also describes what modern librarians do.

The TV show “The Librarians” has been renewed for a 4th season on TNT. It gives viewers an insight into what it might be like if they ever were to venture inside an actual library.

The upcoming Tonya Harding movie “I, Tonya” has cast Caitlin Carver in the part of Nancy Kerrigan. Apparently she is getting along very well with Margot Robbie who will play Tonya Harding. In fact, just the other night the two went out clubbing.

ABC has apologized for wrongly posting Tom Hanks and Amy Adams as Oscar nominees. That is the last time that ABC hands that assignment over to Steve Harvey.

Dennis Quaid is slamming abuse allegations over the film “A Dog’s Purpose.” The only behavioral issue he is asked more often about is what is going on with his brother Randy?

Michigan is the first public institution to pay three assistant football coaches each $1 Million a year. Mostly just to show that there are students who come up through the college football program who can actually end up with a good paying job.

Michigan is the first public institution to pay three assistant football coaches each $1 Million a year. Head Coach Jim Harbaugh makes $9 Million a year. Which explains why players never go to class. Would you rather listen to a staff being paid $12 Million a year or an adjunct professor living in his Prius?

The Seattle Mariners will retire the number of Edgar Martinez this year. As opposed to his years as a Designated Hitter where his status was always semi-retired.

The Seattle Mariners will retire the number of Edgar Martinez this year. Apparently they waited this long because as a Designated Hitter he was still eligible to start playing again up until age 65.

San Francisco 49ers CEO Jed York is preaching patience to fans in the team’s search for a new GM and Head Coach. Do the fans that still showed up during a 2-14 season led by Colin Kaepernick really need to be taught any more about having patience?

Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney compared his quarterback Deshaun Watson to Michael Jordan. If that’s the case, then his start football player is wasting his time playing the wrong sport.

Bills linebacker Brandon Spikes is being sued for $4,000 by a man who claims he wasn’t paid for moving Spikes’ tropical fish to Buffalo. The only problem is that both sides seem to be exaggerating which is turning it into just another fish story.

Bills linebacker Brandon Spikes is being sued for $4,000 by a man who claims he wasn’t paid for moving Spikes’ tropical fish to Buffalo. If Spikes wants more fish, he should do it like everyone else in Buffalo. By sawing a hole through the ice.

The NFL defended a ruling that overturned a fumble by the Patriots, saying just because a Steeler emerged from the pile with the ball doesn’t prove a clear recovery. The good news is that with Tom Brady fumbling the ball, it shows that he didn’t deflate it enough to fit comfortably in his tiny hands.

A Caribbean island is up for sale on eBay, with the starting bid under $500,000. Although the owner may trade straight up for a flawless piece of Jesus toast.

The owners of backpage.com are asking that charges be dropped against them accusing them of being an “online brothel.” They wanted to start an escort service featuring very large women warriors but unfortunately someone beat them to “Amazon.”

The owners of backpage.com are asking that charges be dropped against them accusing them of being an “online brothel.” The only question is what is the difference between that site and Match.com, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Zoosk, eHarmony…?

Researchers have uncovered new clues about what may have caused the demise of the Mayan civilization. Apparently it had something to do with their neighboring society building a wall that kept them from expanding and migrating to the north.

Apple stock has been downgraded on expectations that sales will struggle through 2017. Apparently with only two iPhone models out this year, the latest forecasts call for the company to ring up sales only in the vicinity of $500 Gazillion.

Mt. Everest will be remeasured as there is speculation the mountain may not be as tall as previously thought. One theory is that with the mountain being named after a man, the extremely cold winter air is being blamed for the possible shrinkage.

Donald Trump is set to sign an executive order directing funds towards building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. The only question is how is he going to direct those funds to come from Mexico to make them pay for the wall like he promised?

Donald Trump is threatening to send in federal authorities to Chicago if something isn’t done about the violence there. If Chicago is so out of control, why weren’t the locals even up to doing any rioting following the Cubs World Series win?

A survey says most voters feel “fake news” is hurting the U.S. The only problem is convincing people that Donald Trump’s election victory really happened.

A survey says most voters feel “fake news” is hurting the U.S. Why can’t Facebook get out of the news business and go back to why people really use the site, to see what everyone is eating for breakfast and checking out the latest cat videos.

A survey says most voters feel “fake news” is hurting the U.S. The only problem is that it is more fun to watch Fox News and CNN and read the New York Times than see what is really going on in the world.

Elizabeth Warren says she supports Ben Carson for Secretary of HUD. Apparently like everyone else, she is already tired of fighting and just wants to sit back and watch the fun.

Elizabeth Warren says she supports Ben Carson for Secretary of HUD. If that is real news, how in the world is anyone supposed to be able to tell the difference between that and what is fake?

Senate Democrats have proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure plan. Apparently it has to do with building a highway that will accommodate the hand basket in which the Trump Administration is sending us to Hell.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As you can probably tell, I am more than a little concerned about all the lying coming out of the White House in just the first few days of the Trump Administration. Mostly because comedy depends on the joke premise having some amount of believability, which could really threaten what I do here. I mean, how can you write a joke when the reality is funnier than the punch line? I just wish we could go back to the old days when the only thing to joke about with Donald Trump was his hair and saying “You’re fired!” So how bad can things get in just four years? Don’t answer that. Let’s just keep on moving forward, the best way being when you remember to always keep on sending the love!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you think there is lying coming out of the White house now, imagine the flood of lies if Hillary had won the election.