Sunday, January 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!T

Donald Trump set a record for the most prayers said during his Inauguration ceremonies. And that doesn’t even include the ones said at home by the millions of Americans watching that they make it through the next four years.

The official White House website has deleted pages with information about civil rights, LGBT rights, health care and climate change. Those were removed while the Administration is still working on wiping clean any references to the Constitution.

Larry King says his private vehicle was damaged by protesters during the Inauguration ceremonies. Now who would actually go and vandalize an ambulance?

A YMCA in Indiana has switched channels on their TV from the usual CNN because of “fake news.” Instead, being the YMCA they decided to just broadcast videos and performances of the Village People.

A YMCA in Indiana has switched channels on their TV from the usual CNN because of “fake news.” Also because most people using the “Y” were more interested in catching the latest episode of “Dance Moms.”

Researchers as Northwestern University have created Artificial Intelligence that outperforms the average American adult on a standard IQ test. Which isn’t saying much as the average American hasn’t been able to get to the third level on “Simon” since 1978.

Researchers as Northwestern University have created Artificial Intelligence that outperforms the average American adult on a standard IQ test. Which is no surprise as most American adults still can’t find Canada on a world map.

Jay Z’s music streaming service Tidal is being accused of inflating its numbers. To which CNN immediately started calling and asking how to do that.

French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen says “patriotism is the policy of the future.” It’s too bad she couldn’t make it an alliterative slogan for the French and include “politeness” and “personal hygiene.”

A report says Spain is seeing 500 southern border crossing attempts in a month. Or as the U.S. and Mexico Border Patrol agents call that, “Tuesday morning.”

Turkish leader Recep Erdogan is campaigning for constitutional reform that would increase his power. To which Donald Trump would like the same thing, only his method is to take a page from Nike and “Just do it.”

A poll says 28% of federal employees are considering quitting their jobs under President Trump. The other 72% have thought about it but are appalled at the thought of being hired at a place that expects them to do any work.

A poll says 28% of federal employees are considering quitting their jobs under President Trump. Which is a good thing as that is exactly the same number of federal workers Trump is planning to replace with a member of his family.

The Trump Administration is planning on continuing the transparency policy of releasing White House visitor records. Although Trump will sidestep part of the policy by giving Vladimir Putin his own key.

Real estate site Zillow says the White House if put on the market would have a value of $400 Million. It would be worth more but its location puts it in a bad neighborhood near Congress and the K Street lobbyists.

Banana wine from Rwanda will soon be available in the U.S. Which means for the first time it won’t just be the peel from a banana that will be responsible for making people fall down.

Uber has added a color coded system to help riders find their car in a crowded place or at night. Which now is usually done by just searching for the smug-looking college student driving a Prius.

Regent Seven Seas has announced a 128 cruise around the world that will cost $55,000. People can always do the same trip on Carnival for much less, as long as they don’t mind spending the final 121 days adrift on a life boat.

Samsung is blaming battery size for its Galaxy Note 7 phone fires. Apparently the problem was the batteries were just the right size to be able to fit inside the phone where they could then explode.

A report says several WNBA players are starting to invest in the food industry. Mostly because of the experience they have been getting working the hot dog stands at their venues before and after games and during halftime.

Walgreen’s will pay $50 Million to settle a claim that they gave illegal kickbacks. Apparently they were careless in making the kickbacks before making sure they also cleared it in advance with some bribes to their members of Congress.

The federal government says student loan collector Navient bilked borrowers out of $4 Billion. To which the students say they really don’t mind because it was less than what they were being swindled for by the college tuition offices.

A study says using sunscreen is better than sitting under an umbrella at the beach. Which brings up the point if you spend the entire time under an umbrella, why not just sit in the car in the parking lot and look out the window?

A study says using sunscreen is better than sitting under an umbrella at the beach. Although the best way to completely avoid the Sun’s rays is to just sit in the shade created by locating right next to the group of tourists from Canada.

A study says many women with eating disorders do eventually recover. Which gives them the chance to live their life like everyone else around them by ending up morbidly obese.

A study says childhood asthma may lead to obesity. Although both afflictions together may be a sign that the child really needs to literally stop inhaling their food.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. People were surprised at the news. There are moviegoers who still buy tickets to PG 13 films?

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Apparently it is a lot easier for screenwriters today than actually having to fill the time with dialogue.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Mostly for the directors who know that if they replace the killings with sex, it will mean the film will end up with an R rating.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Which is done as a courtesy to patrons at multiplexes as it masks the noise from the real shootings going on in the other nearby theaters.

A study says 17 Million Americans have tough to detect High Blood Pressure that doesn’t show up at the doctor’s office. Mostly because their blood pressure doesn’t skyrocket until they get home and open their medical bills.

A study says screen time may not be so bad for teenagers after all. Especially the ones who can use their smartphones, tablets and computers to socialize with others without the fear of ending up walking around the rest of the day with a wedgie.

Researchers say it is possible for people to train themselves to need less sleep. It’s called having kids.

Researchers say it is possible for people to train themselves to need less sleep. Which is easy to do when people know they have to get up early in time to be able to work at all three jobs they need to make ends meet.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are moving back to London. Apparently with their children nearing school age, they feel being closer to their school of choice will make mornings a lot easier on their staff of seven nannies.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are moving back to London. With Queen Elizabeth II 90 years old and becoming increasingly sick, William wants to be able to race to the throne faster than his dad Prince Charles the minute it becomes open.

Pioneering movie stuntwoman Paula Dell has died at age 90. Her last gig was the woman who takes a spill and says “I’ve fallen…and I can’t get up!”

The premier of the movie “A Dog’s Purpose” has been canceled because of furor over a video showing possible animal abuse during the filming. Which is a real disappointment for the movie’s cast who were excited about being able to walk down the yellow carpet.

The independent Spring League has invited former NFL players Johnny Manziel, Ray Rice and Vince Young to participate. The only problem is making sure there is enough room on the sidelines for their rehab doctors, parole officers and debt consultants.

The independent Spring League has invited former NFL players Johnny Manziel, Ray Rice and Vince Young to participate. That’s good news for Aaron Hernandez as long as the league is still around in 2085 when he is eligible for parole.

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. The only question is, why didn’t the coach realize with the Knicks that really isn’t necessary?

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. Apparently he was out on the floor yelling “Noonan…Noonan!!”

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. Which means that Little Leaguers may be in danger of losing their after game snack money if they keep yelling “Hey, batter batter swing!”

The NFL and several owners are reportedly upset about the Chargers moving to Los Angeles. Mostly because now visiting teams will have to drive more than two hours to be able to buy all the good drugs in Tijuana.

Microsoft says it will lay off 700 people. Apparently since they started shutting down Windows 7 they don’t need half their phone and online tech support people on call to handle all the problems.

Researchers are looking to use people’s heartbeats as their password to access medical records. The only problem is when they are trying to get into the system while they are having a heart attack and the system keeps telling them “Access denied…not a valid password.”

Researchers are looking to use people’s heartbeats as their password to access medical records. Which would be a problem for people like Dick Cheney who would have to wait up to six days just for his heart to actually beat once.

China has responded to a computer chip battle with the U.S. by building a $30 Billion factory. They might beat us with computer chips, but they will never outdo American when it comes to consuming Doritos, Cheetos and Pringles.

The Trump Administration ordered the National Parks Service to halt all tweets after it retweeted a picture showing a low turnout at the Inauguration. Apparently Trump doesn’t want agencies just sending out tweets irresponsibly about whatever they want whenever they want.

The Trump Administration ordered the National Park Service to halt all tweets after it retweeted a picture showing a low turnout at the Inauguration. Apparently the only tweets they are allowed to send now are the ones from the birds that happen to be in any National Park trees.

It turns out that Donald Trump didn’t write his own Inauguration Address as he posted on social media with a picture of himself with a pad of paper and Sharpie. Apparently the first clue was trying to get people to believe he wrote something that wasn’t done with a smartphone using no more than 140 characters.

Donald Trump is starting his presidency with the smallest confirmed Cabinet in decades. And that is even including the Clinton Cabinet that had 4’11” Robert Reich.

A petition urging Donald Trump to release his tax returns now has more than 100,000 signatures. The only problem for people signing up is not only will the action not result in Trump releasing his returns, it just put them all on a mailing list for Trump University, Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, we now have President Trump. And we are all still here. At least those of us who haven’t moved to Canada in the past couple of days. It looks like it is going to be a fun four years, as President Trump’s Press Secretary already picked a fight with the media over Inauguration crowd estimates. Just wait until they start asking about the Wall, deficits and health care. As they say, buckle up. It could be a rough ride. Which always becomes much easier when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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