Thursday, January 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says President Obama signed just 1,227 bills into law in his eight years, lower than even most one term presidents. Although the real surprising news is that Congress could vote on that many bills on their two day a week work schedule.

A report says President Obama signed just 1,227 bills into law in his eight years, lower than even most one term presidents. Although Congress was no help. In fact, the Senate called a special session to try and filibuster the report.

South Korea is developing a public transportation train that travels 620 miles an hour. Meanwhile, across the border in North Korea officials have also increased the speed of public transportation, telling people to “walk faster.”

China has ordered weather forecasters to stop issuing smog alerts. Apparently the new meteorological term will be “brown sunshine.”

Russia is claiming the UK, Germany, and France grossly interfered in the U.S. election. Which means everyone had a hand in the election except the American voters who were supposed to go to the polls and make an intelligent choice.

Wells Fargo has bought a Pittsburgh mall for $100. The good news is that they will get a refund if within 30 days they can find another mall for sale for a lesser value.

A CIA file says the intelligence organization carried out psychic experiments in the 1970s with Uri Geller to predict what people were drawing in the next room. Which is nice to know our top spy group’s main source for intel was the National Enquirer.

A CIA file says the intelligence organization carried out psychic experiments in the 1970s with Uri Geller to predict what people were drawing in the next room. The experiments cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, mostly for all the utensils in the employee break room that had to be replaced after being bent in half.

Scientists say technology may allow them to bring back the extinct Caspian tiger. After that there will be an even bigger challenge to try to bring back another lost Tiger. Woods.

Donald Trump says he will pick the media representatives who have access to the White House press briefing room. In other words, it means 1600 Pennsylvania will be the mailing address for the new headquarters of Fox News.

A video shows an Ohio lawyer hypnotizing a woman for sex. The worst part is that he got her to show up at his office by telling her he needed to show her some briefs.

A video shows an Ohio lawyer hypnotizing a woman for sex. Whatever happened to being a gentleman and at least forking out a few bucks to buy her a drink first?

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says the Fed is close to achieving their economic goals. The question is why is their goal to keep us in a permanent state of recession?

A Guantanamo captive who wants to open a pizzeria in Algiers has lost a bid to be released before Donald Trump becomes President. Apparently officials were worried he was planning to continue his terrorist ways by killing people with a diet high in carbohydrates.

The Trump transition team says Donald Trump is writing his own inauguration speech. Which shouldn’t be hard since he doesn’t ever deal with anything that requires more than 140 characters.

Donald Trump is reportedly writing his own inauguration speech. Which will be interesting to hear him actually address something other than John Lewis, CNN and “Saturday Night Live.”

Kosovo has created a panel to measure its territory to make sure they haven’t lost land to neighboring Montenegro. If the issue is not solved, it could result in conflict, especially when Montenegro demands Kosovo take back their land.

Data from NASA says 2016 is likely the warmest year ever. Which could be an anomaly attributed to the fact the year was heated by speeches from all 19 candidates who started the year running for President.

Data from NASA says 2016 is likely the warmest year ever. And we just elected an administration whose answer to that is “Nuh-uh.”

An Egyptian soccer star has been placed on the terrorist no-fly list. Which is going to be tough for the country’s airlines who now have to drum up all their business from the three people who have still managed to stay off the list.

An Egyptian soccer star has been placed on the terrorist no-fly list. Mostly out of fear he would keep others from flying because travelers would be afraid to be seated next to him and have to watch replays of all his soccer matches.

American Airlines is going to start selling restricted “basic economy” tickets with absolutely no frills on flights. Or as that is called at United, “First Class.”

American Airlines is going to start selling restricted “basic economy” tickets with absolutely no frills on flights. The good news is that frequent fliers with the airline can just consider it an upgrade from “cargo.”

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says the U.S. is near “maximum employment. Which means that only half of Americans are working, but that is the maximum number who will ever be able to find a job.

A survey says that most drivers with ride sharing services Uber and Lyft are 51 or older. Which means the Millennials who most often use the service can continue to experience what it’s like to have to ask their parents for a ride.

A survey says that Republican men think it is easier to be a woman than a man. Which is possibly why Caitlyn Jenner was so eager to campaign for Donald Trump.

A survey says that Republican men think it is easier to be a woman than a man. Conservatives think women should be at home and not in the workplace. Which is why they worked hard to make sure that is where Hillary Clinton will be the next four years.

Donald Trump has made a $25 Million payment in a settlement over Trump University. The good news for Trump is that amounted to the total tuition fees from three students.

Donald Trump has made a $25 Million payment in a settlement over Trump University. Not to say the university was a scam, but it finally explains why he nominated as Education Secretary a member of the family that started Amway.

The CFPB is suing student loan company Navient for cheating borrowers. Navient says ripping off the students was a favor that should just be considered a lesson in life they would never have been taught as part of their course work.

A report says Millennials may need to double their retirement savings rate. Mostly because only finding minimum wage jobs with even a college degree means their average 401(k) account is so far up to $37.

A study says short exercise sessions may be more beneficial. Although that doesn’t count the short exercise sessions most people partake in when they use commercial breaks to run from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

The FDA is warning about a skin cancer cream that has killed five dogs. Which means those dogs could have been saved if they had only remembered to wear a hat outside.

A study says too much sitting can age a person another eight years. Especially if the person is sitting down in front of a computer while they are reading the latest tweets from Donald Trump.

A study says too much sitting can age a person another eight years. What’s worse is they get even older when their doctor tells them the bad news and suggests they sit down first.

A study says texting while exercising can worsen a person’s balance by 45%. The only question is how?

A study says texting while exercising can worsen a person’s balance by 45%. Which is not to be confused by how much Donald Trump’s Twitter rants make him appear completely unbalanced.

A report says 1 in 10 people seeking plastic surgery have a mental illness that distorts their perception of physical defects. That’s good news for 27 other people who had plastic surgery who are normal when you include Michael Jackson, Cher and Kenny Rogers.

A study says that people who take selfies are not necessarily narcissists. But it helps.

A study says that people who take selfies are not necessarily narcissists. If they were, each tweet from Donald Trump would be accompanied by a picture he snapped of himself.

A study says that developing high blood pressure in old age may provide some protection from dementia. Which will be going up even higher when this Congress starts making more threats about cutting Social Security and Medicare.

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the “poop” emoji in the upcoming “The Emoji Movie.” The only problem is that when he starts ad libbing it will be considered a literal case of diarrhea of the mouth.

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the “poop” emoji in the upcoming “The Emoji Movie.” Apparently he had to get in top physical shape for the role, which included hours of squats.

Lady Gaga says she has been planning for her Super Bowl Halftime Show since she was 4. The only problem is that her music set will include “The Wheels on the Bus,” “Three Blind Mice” and “”Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

Robbers stole $16 Million in jewels from a Harry Winston store in Cannes, France. It was the biggest theft at Cannes since they charged money to attend the showing of “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.”

Robbers stole $16 Million in jewels from a Harry Winston store in Cannes, France. Which was a real insult to Kim Kardashian as apparently the thieves were stealing her trinkets as a practice run for the real thing.

The NFL is denying a report that they told Lady Gaga to avoid politics during her Super Bowl Halftime Show. An easier way to avoid politics is by making sure the Washington Redskins don’t have a team that can get anywhere near the playoffs.

Ariana Grande sent a tweet praising herself for being the “hardest working 23 year old on Earth.” At least next to that person she used to hire to carry her around whenever she got too tired from singing.

Ariana Grande sent a tweet praising herself for being the “hardest working 23 year old on Earth.” People were surprised. The person who wrote that is older than 14?

Former Detroit Lions defensive back Stanley Wilson II was arrested for a second time while naked. Apparently it was too embarrassing to go out in public and be seen wearing a Lions uniform.

The University of Oregon has suspended their strength coach in the wake of several players being hospitalized. The good news is that the players are expected to recover and will be transferred over to the school’s Ultimate Frisbee team.

A report says fraud with online holiday sales spiked 31% last year. Mostly from people sending gifts to relatives where they really didn’t mean it when they said “Merry Christmas.”

Google Maps will soon include a feature showing how hard it will be to park after arriving at the destination. Which means after parking five miles away from where people are going, they can download the Uber app to finish the trip.

Hacking group Anonymous told Donald Trump he will “regret” the next four years. Although not as much as the people who are still paying off their tuition from the four years they wasted taking classes at Trump University.

Hacking group Anonymous told Donald Trump he will “regret” the next four years. This is not going to threaten a man who has paraded himself around in public the past 40 years and still won’t apologize for that haircut.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the Inauguration of President Donald Trump. I never thought I would write those words in this part of the blog. It just seems like too obvious of a set up. Well, how hard can it be for all of us to just hold our noses for four years? I am just hoping for the best and lying to myself about being able to hope for the best. But, you can make things better when you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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