Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump is reportedly eyeing a 20% slash of federal workers. Mostly in areas that he no longer feels are necessary to the country. Like the diplomatic corps.

Donald Trump is reportedly eyeing a 20% slash of federal workers. His next goal will be finding something for the other 80% to actually do every day.

A report says ads in 20 cities offer to pay people $2,500 to demonstrate at Donald Trump’s Inauguration ceremonies. Which is right in line with Trump saying his presidency would result in the creation of more jobs.

China says it is planning to build a super, super computer that can perform a billion billion calculations every second. Which would mostly be used to help the U.S. stay up to speed on figuring out the total of the national debt.

China says it is planning to build a super, super computer that can perform a billion billion calculations every second. The hardest part was figuring out how to slide all those beads on wires around that fast.

Wal-Mart says it plans to create 10,000 jobs in the U.S. this year. Mostly for a place that sells goods cheaply enough where the people who work at Wal-Mart can only afford to shop.

Wal-Mart says it plans to create 10,000 jobs in the U.S. this year. Mostly for the people working in public assistance to help with all the services that are needed by the people working at Wal-Mart.

Bayer says it will invest $8 Billion in the U.S. that will create 3,000 jobs. Mostly making aspirin for the headaches of anyone who follows Donald Trump daily on Twitter.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will again watch a playoff game in Atlanta this week, skipping the contest in New England. Some say it’s a snub from Deflate-gate. Or it could be that it’s January and he would rather be sitting in 70 degree weather than shoveling his way out of a snow covered parking lot.

Several universities like UMass, Amherst and Oregon State are creating safe spaces to combat toxic masculinity. Although any schools that are calling for safe spaces don’t really have an issue with excess masculinity on campus in the first place.

Some Chinese are taking “lung cleansing” trips to get away from the widespread smog in their country. You know things are really getting bad there when people are flying half way around the world for clean air and end up vacationing in L.A.

A governor in Mexico says children there are being given water instead of chemotherapy treatments. Although anyone who has ever drank the water there knows even cancer cells would be gone after just one bout of that kind of diarrhea.

Officials say the government of Puerto Rico could collapse if nothing is done about the economic crisis. The only problem is how will anyone know when the government actually falls apart?

Officials say the government of Puerto Rico could collapse if nothing is done about the economic crisis. Although no one is panicking yet as that is what people have pretty much been saying every day for the past 75 years.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps for junk food. Which is no big deal for the people there as long as they can still buy corn mash, sugar, yeast and some copper wiring.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps for junk food. That isn’t an issue for the people as long as the state doesn’t prevent them from using their cards to buy all the necessary ingredients to keep their meth lab running.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps for junk food. The people are all in favor of it as long as they can still buy food for a healthy Arkansas diet like hogfat, grits and fried catfish.

The three year search for missing Malaysia Airlines flight 370 has been suspended. Even CNN is saying it’s time to give it a break.

A report says U.S. airlines have increased the number of on time arrivals and reduced canceled flights. Although it turns out United is arriving more on schedule as when they are running late they just touch down at the nearest airport.

Researchers have created a battery with a built-in fire extinguisher. To which Samsung engineers are saying “Where were you guys six months ago?”

Democrats are vowing to fight if Donald Trump fires the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Which Trump might do just prevent any action on behalf of all the people who were swindled by Trump University, Trump Steaks or Trump Casinos.

A report says thousands of Verizon customers have not turned in their Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones. Mostly members of ISIS who find while the devices have reception issues, they can’t be beat for detonating suicide bombing vests.

A study says 1 in 3 people diagnosed as asthmatics may not have the condition. It’s just that when they see the cost of seeing an allergist and buying inhalers makes them start gasping for air.

A study says looking at some works of art can help people lose weight. Except the women who find they really like the paintings of Peter Paul Rubens.

A study says parents who are rude to their children’s doctor could harm their health. But not as much as telling the doctor that the children aren’t covered by any health insurance.

A study says acupuncture can stop babies crying from colic. Mostly by instead of them crying from stomach pain, they start screaming because they are being stuck with a bunch of needles.

Mariah Carey and Elton John recently performed at the wedding of the daughter of a Russian billionaire. John turned down an invitation to perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration, apparently figuring he could just go instead to Russia and cut out the middleman.

Mariah Carey and Elton John recently performed at the wedding of the daughter of a Russian billionaire. Which at least as far as Carey is concerned, fortunately they don’t beam “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” into Russia.

Margot Robbie is set to star in a biopic playing Tonya Harding. She has been seen on set transforming into the role, meaning other cast members and crew have to stay their distance to keep from being hit with the tire iron she keeps flailing around.

Lady Gaga has been preparing for her Super Bowl performance in her back yard. Coincidentally, the Cleveland Browns also practice for the post season in their back yards, mostly by raking the leaves and washing down the patio.

Rob Schneider got some backlash after a critical tweet he sent out about Representative John Lewis. Although at least people this time didn’t have to pay $8 and sit through an agonizing 90 minutes for some dumb dialogue.

Some University of Oregon football players were hospitalized after an intense workout. Apparently the coach made them actually pick up their books and go to class.

Willie McCovey has been pardoned by President Obama for a tax evasion conviction in 1995. Although Giants fans still can’t forgive him for not hitting the ball just two feet higher in the 1962 World Series.

Several moving companies in San Diego are refusing to help the Chargers with their move to Los Angeles. Apparently they figure keeping a third rate football team in town keeps people away which means less overcrowding.

Google will be releasing their watch made by LG on February 9th. Unfortunately, no one at Google actually used the search engine to see that the market on smart watches is pretty much zero.

Jerry Seinfeld’s Internet show “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” Is moving over to Netflix. The only question is whether anyone subscribing can only watch it if their computer has Java.

A software engineer wants people to clog the Whitehouse.gov website to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. The only problem is that people are afraid to go to another page as they have just now finally been able to log on to the Obamacare site.

Lowe’s says it will be laying off 2,400 workers. The good news is they will all be rehired next week when Donald Trump starts his presidency and orders 2,500 miles worth of materials to build a wall.

A report says Americans spent $89 Billion on apps in 2016. And that doesn’t even include the cost of repairing the damage to their cars after driving them into a tree while playing Pokemon Go behind the wheel.

Wells Fargo says it will shut down 400 bank branches through 2018. Mostly because those were the extra locations they needed for all the fake accounts just got busted sticking their customers with.

Microsoft has labeled Windows 7 as “outdated” as it urges customers to switch to Windows 10. Although anyone using a PC pretty much knows that Windows 7 was outdated the day it was introduced in 2009.

Microsoft has labeled Windows 7 as “outdated” as it urges customers to switch to Windows 10. Which is still better than the “junk,” “worthless” and “unusable” labels that have always been used to describe how people feel about Windows Vista.

A report says Americans spent 900 Billion hours using apps last year. 100 Billion of those hours were actually spent using the apps, while the other 800 Billion hours went to men making sure their wives didn’t find out which apps they downloaded.

AT&T has disabled its 2G network as of the beginning of this year. Customers were really excited about the news and finally getting the chance to see what it is like to be upgraded to 3G.

Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos says allowing guns may have a place in schools due to the threat of grizzly bears. Which would be a way to make for more classroom time instead of always doing those weekly grizzly-bear-on-campus drills.

Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos says allowing guns may have a place in schools due to the threat of grizzly bears. Which would only happen in the case of a school district naming its new superintendent as Sarah Palin.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which amounts to 13 Million pages of files. The trick is to find all three words that haven’t been redacted.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which amounts to 13 Million pages of files. Don’t we already have that? It’s called WikiLeaks.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which amounts to 13 Million pages of files. The worst part is how they infiltrated the EPA to make it possible to completely defoliate twelve protected forests in order to come up with enough paper for 13 Million pages of files.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only two more days until Donald Trump becomes the President of the United States. Which pretty much means those people who believe in parallel universes are wrong. We ARE the parallel universe. Oh, well. It could be worse. People before us have lived through a major depression and two world wars. With us it will be different. We will be dealing with all of that at once. Although I still haven’t lost hope. I will get by as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!


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