Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Some European countries are considering a guaranteed monthly income even to people without a job. The U.S. came up with that idea years ago, calling the program “government work.”

A study says depression is as bad for a person’s health as being fat. Especially when the depression results in eating a full gallon of Haagen Dazs ice cream in one sitting.

An Australian reality show puts strangers on a first date naked in bed. Or as that is known in the U.S., the 1970s.

A new device simulates long distance kissing over the Internet. Apparently it is for people who already have Skype but want to try something where they can leave their clothes on.

Data says Nashville was the windiest city in the U.S. in 2016. Apparently its central location made it the most popular campaign stop for Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.

A report says dating apps have fueled a rise in casual sex. We have become so connected to our phones we can use them to meet someone and hook up, but can’t handle that middle part that involves actual conversation with another human.

A report says that people are taking opioids that are meant for their pets. Which brings up the question should anyone who thinks giving opioids to their pets is a good idea be given a prescription in the first place.

A report says that people are taking opioids that are meant for their pets. The only problem is that the owner needs their own prescription for painkillers once their pit bull finds out they have gotten into his stash.

A report says that people are taking opioids that are meant for their pets. The worst part is being ratted out by your German Shorthaired Pointer. 

An Alaska man has figured out a way to use a chain saw to propel himself across the ice. The good news is that he has just been signed on as the new enforcer of the Chicago Blackhawks.

A U.N. report says numerous abuses have occurred in South Sudan. The most egregious being making people continue to live in South Sudan.

A Tennessee lawmaker has introduced legislation to ban people from using food stamps to buy unhealthy food. That’s brought protests from locals who say it’s going to be a burden to have to drive to Colorado to do all their food shopping.

A report says Taylor Swift’s mansion in L.A. could be made into a historic landmark. Not only that, but with all the boyfriends she has coming and going it might first have to be rezoned as a hotel.

A book borrowed from the San Francisco Library has been returned 100 years late. To which everyone in Silicon Valley who is under 40 is asking, “What’s a book?”

The company that makes Ray-Ban sunglasses has been bought for $24 Billion. It may not go through as many Wall Street investors who heard about the proposal have thrown shade on it.

Donald Trump, in a Twitter battle against Representative John Lewis called his district of Atlanta “falling apart and crime infested.” Although it turns out he was only referring to people who were victimized buying season tickets to the Braves.

A U.N. study says tech waste has increased by 63% in Asia. No one had any idea that sales were up so much the past couple of years for Microsoft.

A U.N. study says tech waste has increased by 63% in Asia. The good news is that the piles of discarded computer and device parts are just blown up by throwing in a used Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

Alibaba says it will crack down on the $1.7 Trillion fake goods market. The only question is what can an online retailer do about the content that goes out over the air at the cable news stations?

A report says the down payment on homes in Silicon Valley is more than the median value of the entire house in the rest of the U.S. Which just shows that maybe those computer geniuses aren’t quite as smart as they think they are.

The Governor of Rhode Island wants to make college tuition in the state free. Which would finally be worth the money when posting a job resume listing a college diploma from Rhode Island.

Monica Crowley has bowed out of a Trump Administration post after being accused of plagiarism in her books and even her Ph.D. dissertation. In resigning, she issued a statement saying “It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done…”

A study says caffeine may fight inflammation linked to heart disease. The bad news is that it isn’t enough to offset the stress put on the heart when people open their monthly bill from Starbucks.

A study says people who eat hot chili peppers live longer. Which is bad news for the maid service they hire to clean their bathroom.

A study says family friends may influence their children’s anxiety and fears. Especially the drunk uncle who comes over for holiday dinner and keeps telling them to pull his finger.

A study says babies born addicted to opiates perform poorly when they get into school. The question is, they really needed to do an entire study to figure that out?

A Virginia man is giving his wife one of his kidneys for their 20th anniversary. Was it really that much more expensive to just get a bracelet at Zales?

A Virginia man is giving his wife one of his kidneys for their 20th anniversary. Apparently he was afraid she would really hit the ceiling if he gave her another vacuum cleaner.

A Virginia man is giving his wife one of his kidneys for their 20th anniversary. The bad news is that for the 25th anniversary she already has her mind set on a liver.

Psychologists are debunking the idea that the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. For most people in the U.S. that has always been April 15th.

Psychologists are debunking the idea that the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year. The good news is that for Cubs fans, for the first time in 108 years it isn’t Opening Day.

A Bruce Springsteen tribute band called “B Street” has pulled out of performing at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Apparently someone confused them with who is going to really be running the country, the lobbyists over on K Street.

Bob Beckel is returning to Fox News on the show “The Five.” Not to say Beckel has been gaining weight over the years, but when he is on the program it changes its name to “The Eight.”

Gene Cernan, the last man to walk on the Moon has died at age 82. So he’s the one who left without cleaning up all those footprints.

Gene Cernan, the last man to walk on the Moon has died at age 82. As requested, he will be buried in a cemetery plot right next to Michael Jackson.

The owner of the Detroit Pistons has given head coach Stan Van Gundy a vote of confidence. Mostly because it’s easy to get that endorsement with a 19-24 record on a team that has had one winning season in the past nine years.

Donald Trump says he will keep his personal Twitter account when he becomes President. Mostly because there is no way he could inflict any more fear around the world than by what is put out every day using his current handle.

Donald Trump says he will keep his personal Twitter account when he becomes President. Apparently he wants to make sure that the other countries know that he is actually the one sending out all those threats.

The Google doodle highlighted Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s message of unity on his birthday. Mostly so they can continue to ignore his message of diversity every day at the office.

Facebook says it will deploy a fake news reporting tool in Germany. Although some people didn’t believe it since they originally saw the report on Facebook.

Facebook says it will deploy a fake news reporting tool in Germany. Most Americans have come to be able to identify fake news when they hear the code words “This is CNN.”

A report says Mark Zuckerberg’s net worth jumped by $5 Billion to start 2017. The only problem is that the news came over Facebook so everyone assumes it must be fake.

A Trump Inauguration Committee spokesperson says “It isn’t Woodstock or a rock concert” so they never cared that they couldn’t get A List guests. With a lineup of Toby Keith, the Rockettes and Paul Anka, it seems they pretty much gave up on the B, C, and D Lists, too.

A Trump Inauguration Committee spokesperson says “It isn’t Woodstock or a rock concert” so they never cared that they couldn’t get A List guests. Although most people wish it were Woodstock so they could just eat some brownies and not come down for another four years.

A poll says Trump voters have set their own conservative agenda for the first 100 days that doesn’t reflect that of the general public. Of course, the general public is just hoping we still have a country left after the first 100 days.

Donald Trump says next Monday will be the first day of his new administration. To which many Americans gave a sigh of relief, especially the ones who need another weekend to get all their affairs in order.

A report says many Americans are worried about losing their health insurance with the repeal of Obamacare. Even worse, most of those people are now concerned that they may actually have to start living a healthy lifestyle.

Experts are warning that hackers could compromise Donald Trump’s Twitter account to wreak havoc from the White House. Although so far, it looks like there is nothing that hackers could put out that could cause more fear and anxiety around the world than the tweets sent out by Trump.

A poll says most Americans still feel Donald Trump should release his tax returns. Apparently they want to know so that if he has done anything wrong they can stop him after four years in office.

A poll says most Americans still feel Donald Trump should release his tax returns. To which most wealthy people are laughing about. He’s a billionaire. He doesn’t have to pay taxes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A busy day for me today but not to worry, I got up early just so I could crank out these jokes in a hurry just for you. Which is no big deal since none of my jokes look like I actually put any time into them. The only time I need back from you is the short moment it takes when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: