Sunday, January 15, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department says it will soon begin using drones. They will help responding to bomb threats, hostage crises and in saving time by making direct deliveries from the donut shop to squad cars.

A driverless shuttle is being tested in downtown Las Vegas. It is proving very convenient for people needing to go directly to the Greyhound Bus depot after losing their car at the Roulette Wheel.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. Otherwise known as the company front office.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. Which is great news for people who are looking to cut back their hours from 90 to only 85 hours a week.

A study shows that people who work fewer hours are more likely to make more in raises and bonuses than others. The proof of that is the 15 hour work week and $175,000 salary not counting bribes and kickbacks for members of Congress.

A study says 257 minutes is the maximum daily time that can be spent on computers by teenagers before harming their wellbeing. Which means they can break up the other 19 hours and 43 minutes on snacking, watching TV and sleeping.

A study says 257 minutes is the maximum daily time that can be spent on computers by teenagers before harming their wellbeing. Now if parents could just figure out hot to get their kids to work in at least 5 minutes of their day on homework.

The White House transition team is calling for drug tests for the press corps. Are they serious? What do they expect the White House Press Corps to be under the influence of besides champagne, caviar and filet mignon?

The White House transition team is calling for drug tests for the press corps. Hopefully the only substance they are under the influence of in having to deal with the White House Press Secretary is Ritalin.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently it started when a customer complained their food contained a toenail. And a toe, heel and ankle.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently a customer ordered pork and the waiter misunderstood and served them Ten Little Piggies.

A Chinese restaurant in Italy is being accused of serving a human foot. Apparently a customer ordered corn and onions and the server thought they wanted corns and bunions.

A Florida woman who was stolen as a baby from a hospital has been found alive 18 years later. Her biological parents were shocked. They missed out on all the fun of raising her during the early years and get her back just in time to pay for college.

A woman was denied Swiss citizenship because of her complaints about cowbells. The final straw was when she protested plans for a concert by Blue Oyster Cult. (You need to be a long time SNL fan to get that one…)

A woman was denied Swiss citizenship because of her complaints about cowbells. That’s about like someone being told they can’t live in Southern California because they keep griping about all the traffic.

Bernard Madoff has reportedly cornered the hot chocolate market at his prison. Which means if he ever gets out he will have a fortune to spend if he can find anyone who barters with candy bars and cigarettes.

Bernard Madoff has reportedly cornered the hot chocolate market at his prison. Although he’s out of his league with the real hardball business leader inmates who still control the local toilet wine industry.

Zhou Youguang, who simplified writing Chinese has died at 111. He got his idea after spending his first 110 years trying to finish reading just one book.

The Chairman of the Codelco copper company in Chile was injured when a package in his office exploded. The sad part is that he was so excited about finally getting delivery on his new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phone.

Mike Pence is set to be sworn in as Vice President by Justice Clarence Thomas. Apparently the new administration wants to show the public that despite his history on the Supreme Court, he actually does know how to speak.

A report says that a college degree starts paying off by age 34. Meaning that by then the graduate will be making enough money to be able to pay off their tuition loans around the time they reach 67.

A report says since the “Miracle on the Hudson,” 70,000 gulls, starlings, geese and other birds have been killed around New York airports. The good news is that it has allowed the cost of airport-bought McNuggets to drop by half.

A California company has recalled boots with a treat that reportedly leave a Swastika imprint. Although that usually happens only when walking along with a goose step.

Donald Trump has raised a reported $90 Million for his Inauguration Ceremony. Which means they will have plenty of money left over after paying the combined entertainment fees for Toby Keith, Paul Anka and the Rockettes of $327.

President Obama’s DOJ reportedly will not push an antitrust case against the nation’s major airlines. The determined their practices are not an issue of collusion, but are based on the fact the individual carriers just happen to all be greedy.

The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child through age 17 is $233,610. Which drops to $1,722 for the kids who decide to not go to college.

Three former Takata workers have been indicted over the company’s defective airbags. The company was also fined $1 Billion, which is small change compared to how much they will have to pay for the airbags that will be defending them in court.

The Chicago Cubs have signed a long-term deal with the maker of Jim Beam. Which is a good fit as the company was always there for the fans to turn to all those years before the finally won the World Series.

GOP lawmakers are moving to strike down a Washington, D.C. right to die law. Apparently Republicans feel that no one has the right to end their own lives. That’s up to Congress when they repeal Obamacare.

Researchers are looking at hallucinogens for treatment of mental disorders. Mostly to put them in a fantasy world where they think their health insurance will actually cover their therapy and prescription bills.

A study links concussions with an increased risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. The good news is that it will eventually make them forget that the headache they are experiencing is actually the same one they have had every day for the past 20 years.

A study says a baby’s gender is linked to their mother’s blood pressure before becoming pregnant. And in the case of boys, it is directly related to how high their blood pressure skyrockets by the time they become a toddler.

A study says cooking food at too high a temperature could result in heart disease. Which is caused by people who cook their food even hotter because they can’t wait another five minutes to get their next meal on the plate.

Johnny Depp is suing his ex-managers alleging they caused him millions of dollars of losses. Mostly by not talking him out of making “The Lone Ranger.”

Nicole Kidman says it is time for Americans to support Donald Trump as President. Which is not exactly a great endorsement coming from someone who not only appeared with Tom Cruise in “Eyes Wide Shut” but they went on to marry him.

Peter Blatty, author of “The Exorcist” has died at age 89. Apparently he was fine until his head spun around three times and he vomited pea soup everywhere.

The Oakland Raiders will file a request to relocate to Las Vegas. The ceremony is set to be performed by an Elvis impersonator outside a drive-through wedding chapel.

The NFL has hired more minority first time head coaches this week than over the previous five years. Which is not to be confused with what most people regard as a minority coach in the NFL, meaning someone with a winning record in Cleveland.

The UFC has reportedly offered Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor $25 Million each to fight. Which was insulting to Mayweather who was paid $220 Million to get in the ring with Manny Pacquiao and not even have to defend against any punches.

A report says Los Angeles City College has paid $28,000 to free itself from ransomware. Which was not that big of a deal as they were able to get the money back when a new student enrolled to take three classes.

China has vowed to stop electroshock therapy for people in detox camps for Internet addiction because of human rights concerns. Apparently they will just go back to their previous punishment for dissident behavior, the firing squad.

A report says department store sales have fallen for the eleventh straight year. Now people only need to go to an actual store one day a year so they don’t miss out on the brawls or looting that now only happens on Black Friday.

Cellphone carriers are bracing for massive data usage during Donald Trump’s Inauguration. And that’s just from all the chaos that will be caused when Trump starts tweeting about what he will really be doing when he is officially President.

Astronomers say two stars 1,800 light years away will merge and explode sometime in 2022, meaning the event actually already happened 18 centuries ago. And you thought the NFL took a long time on instant replay.

Cesar Millan was reportedly the victim of a home burglary. Instead of barking to scare away the intruders, his dogs did as he trained them and just whispered.

Sonny Crockett’s 1986 Ferrari from “Miami Vice” is up for sale. The winning bid not only gets the car but Philip Michael Thomas will be included to come around on weekends to wash it.

Dick Gautier, who played Hymie the Robot on “Get Smart” in the 1960s has died at 85. In a futuristic look ahead, Hymie became the first robot to take a job from a human when he outsourced Agent 13.

One of Burt Reynolds' vintage custom Pontiac Trans-Ams from "Smokey and the Bandit" is up for sale. Not to say Reynolds is getting older, but he is dropping from 600 horses to just enough juice to get his rascal to the Early Bird Special at Carrows.

A report says new information has become available about the possible ID of hijacker D.B. Cooper. Apparently it has something to do with his tagged luggage from the 1971 flight  finally making it to the final destination in Seattle.

The Ringling Bros. Circus is planning to shut down after 146 years. The show that featured clown acts and was founded by the man who said "There's a sucker born every minute" could no longer compete with what goes on in Congress.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Less than a week before Donald Trump becomes our next President. That still feels really weird to type out. Now I’m just waiting for the official orders to come down that no more Trump jokes will be permitted on the Internet. Well, at least I’ll still have Justin Bieber, Adam Sandler and Chris Christie. And the Cleveland Browns. And Alabama. So there you go. I just hope it will still be permissible for all of you to keep on always sending the love!


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