Friday, January 13, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A European Union committee has voted in favor of a draft to give legal status to robots. That means they will finally have the right to unionize to protect the jobs that they have taken from all the humans.

The EPA has accused Fiat Chrysler of excess emissions from their diesel engines. To which Fiat Chrysler says it’s not a problem since it only happens during the short amount of time the engines are actually still working.

A report says 40% of California is out of the drought following recent storms. The only problem is the other 60% of the state is on its way to Nevada in a mudslide.

A type of bumblebee is the first species of bee to be placed on the endangered species list. Which is really going to hurt gun sales, resorts and equipment retailers during the traditional bumblebee hunting season.

A type of bumblebee is the first species of bee to be placed on the endangered species list. Although that isn’t completely true if you include the performance of American students in the past few years of the National Spelling Bee.

Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Which is what should be placed on the tombstones of people who ended up going head on into a tree while they were texting and driving.

 Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Although the study really didn’t get into the details of why because the researchers were too busy trying to make the deadline on three other reports.

Researchers say multitasking lowers a person’s IQ. Just watch anyone who is trying to post on Facebook while playing Pokemon Go and taking a selfie all at the same time.

Paul Anka is set to sing “My Way” at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Mostly because the song’s titles coincidentally is also the name of Trump’s style of government.

Paul Anka is set to sing “My Way” at Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Which shows Trump is creating jobs as promised, giving Paul Anka his first gig since 1978.

A poll says religion plummeted during the eight years of the Obama presidency. Mostly from people who had given up after thinking that praying was going to help them get through the George W. Bush years.

Scientists say baboon grunts and mating calls may hold the secrets of human speech. Mostly because it is almost exactly the same as what can be heard when men are gathered on a Sunday afternoon watching football at Hooter’s.

A survey says smartphone and Internet use are at a record high in the U.S. At least that is what the assumption is since no one took the survey because they couldn’t take the time to put down their cellphone or look away from their computer.

Amazon says it will create 100,000 jobs in the U.S. over the next 18 months. Finally there’s a payoff for all the kids who spent all those years on the couch playing video games who are now qualified to be hired when they start delivery with drones.

Amazon says it will create 100,000 jobs in the U.S. over the next 18 months. Not with Amazon, but at city landfills making room for all the Amazon Christmas presents that will have been tossed in the trash by February.

A report says Donald Trump’s new Cadillac One presidential limo will be equipped with a teargas cannon and shotgun. The weaponry is to ward off attackers, terrorists and any CNN reporters.

A judge in Spain has dropped charges against two puppeteers who were charged with performing a show that glorified terrorism and hate. Which makes authorities in the U.S. concerned there could be a whole generation of terrorists who have been indoctrinated by Kukla, Fran and Ollie.

A judge in Spain has dropped charges against two puppeteers who were charged with performing a show that glorified terrorism and hate. Even better, they have been hired by Vladimir Putin and put in charge of the government in the Ukraine.

Atlantic City casinos have posted their first revenue hike in ten years. Mostly from the casinos placing their own bets that all of the properties in town owned by Donald Trump would go bankrupt.

Donald Trump’s pick to run the CIA says ye would not carry out any orders for torture. Which is good news for any suspected terrorists who will be assured they don’t have to watch eight straight hours of reruns of “The Apprentice.”

The TSA says they confiscated a record number of guns in carryon luggage last year. The bad news is that turning their attention to weapons means potential terrorists were able to board planes with a record number of bottles containing more than three ounces of liquid.

Arby’s is selling venison at two stores in Nebraska. Mostly because local suppliers ran out of their usual sandwich ingredients of fox, rabbit and coyote.

Takata is set to plead guilty and pay $1 Billion in fines for their defective airbags. It was the largest amount of money associated with defective airbags other than the $20 Trillion national debt run up by Congress.

Donald Trump is making an effort to end the era where the U.S. is “hacked by everybody.” He can save millions of dollars in upgrades by pretty much telling all the government workers to not use “12335” and “password” as a password.

Donald Trump is making an effort to end the era where the U.S. is “hacked by everybody.” Mostly so that when he runs for reelection some other country can’t do to him what they did to Hillary Clinton to knock her out of the race.

Donald Trump has made cutting the number of federal workers a high priority. The only problem is that for every government worker he cuts, his administration will be hiring two more lawyers just to handle the fallout from his Twitter account.

Taco Bell has unveiled a new taco with a shell made of fried chicken. The only problem is the chicken used will be antibiotic free so customers will have to remember to bring their own.

Taco Bell has unveiled a new taco with a shell made of fried chicken. The good news is that the shells don’t fall apart because when dunked in hot grease the feathers, bones and beaks really stick together well.

The National Academy of Science has issued a report on the good and bad effects of marijuana. The good news is that can relieve pain and other medical symptoms. The bad news is that the study was commissioned back in 1983.

CVS has cut the price of the generic competitor of the EpiPen to one sixth that of Mylan. The good news is the competition allows Mylan to keep gouging people who don’t like generic brands at the unconscionably exorbitant rate they have become accustomed to.

Supporters in Ohio have raised $40,000 to help keep a 108 year old woman from being kicked out of her home. She says that’s the last time she ever buys a house using a 75 year home mortgage loan.

Supporters in Ohio have raised $40,000 to help keep a 108 year old woman from being kicked out of her home. The problem is she was renting and at her age wanted to go from a lease to more of a day to day payment.

A study says pot eases pain, but can also cause schizophrenia. The good news for users is at that point, the pain pretty much belongs to someone else.

Will Smith and Tom Hanks are reportedly in talks with Tim Burton for his live-action version of “Dumbo.” The only problem is that is also the working title for the planned Michael Moore documentary of the Trump Administration.

Authorities say that the robbery of Kim Kardashian in France may have been an inside job. To which Kardashian says that is what she has been saying all along. She told police it happened while she was inside her hotel room.

The NBA is considering speeding up the end of games to suit shorter attention spans. Although the league wasn’t specific if they were referring to the attention span of the fans or the players.

The NBA is considering speeding up the end of games to suit shorter attention spans. Major League Baseball is also considering making games faster, especially since they stopped timing with a clock and are now using the calendar.

An executive at Monster Energy drinks says the company is going to “bring a party” to NASCAR. Which isn’t hard to do considering that at the average NASCAR race there is more alcohol going into the fans than the fuel tanks.

An executive at Monster Energy drinks says the company is going to “bring a party” to NASCAR. And what says “party” more than supplying high caffeinated beverages to people who are liquored up while waving around firearms and Confederate flags?

The Los Angeles Chargers are planning to spend the next two years playing at the smallest NFL stadium, the StubHub Center in Carson. Which makes sense as there is no point to have too many empty seats surrounding their four season ticket holders.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the Chargers “worked tirelessly” to get a new stadium to keep them in San Diego. It’s just too bad the team didn’t get more fans interested in keeping them there by working a little more tirelessly on their defense.

Bo Jackson says if he had known about head injuries he wouldn’t have played football. So it turns out after all these years that Bo really didn’t know.

Researchers say they were able to transform timid lab mice into aggressive killing machines by activating their brain’s amygdala. Or they could have gotten the same results letting them sit in traffic for four hours without moving on the 405 Freeway.

A report says robots will not be taking jobs away from people as fast as some are fearing. Mostly because it’s hard to find any robots who will risk being shot at working the overnight shift at a 7-Eleven for minimum wage.

Scientists have tied the tiniest, tightest knot ever. Except for the ones that take a half hour to untangle in your headphones every time you try to put them on.

A report says every tweet by Donald Trump activates thousands of computer algorithms. Mostly those alerting about societal meltdown, stock market crashes or nuclear war.

Researchers have found a pile of skeletons inside a 2,400 year old tomb in Iraq. Is that really news? What else did they expect to find there?

Researchers have found a pile of skeletons inside a 2,400 year old tomb in Iraq. The scientific world was surprised. There is something in Iraq that dates back fewer than 5,000 years?

Rosie O’Donnell says she supports martial law being declared until Donald Trump is investigated further. Which is a strange request considering her biggest fear is that Trump might declare martial law.

C-SPAN’s online feed had its signal interrupted briefly by Russian TV Thursday. Until it was fixed it caused a real scare for the three people who actually happened to be watching C-SPAN.

C-SPAN’s online feed had its signal interrupted briefly by Russian TV Thursday. Although most people saw it coming and figured it was only a matter of time before Congress followed Donald Trump’s lead and turned things over to the Russians.

The CEO of Fiat Chrysler says charges of cheating on emissions testing are “hogwash.” Which brings up the question of would you really want to buy a car from a company that still uses the word “hogwash”?

President Obama awarded Joe Biden the Medal of Freedom. Although when he leaves the White House, Obama will have the freedom from having to sit down and try and have a conversation with Biden that lasts less than three hours.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday the 13th, probably no coincidence that we are just one week from the inauguration of Donald Trump. I have a feeling that after that, when you Google “Trump,” this blog will come up first. He is more comedy gold than Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush and the Clintons combined. While my job will be getting easier here, no effort is too great when I am rewarded by all of you remembering to keep on always sending the love!


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