Thursday, January 12, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump got in a heated discussion at a news conference with a reporter from CNN and called the network “fake news.” That accusation came as a complete surprise to the three viewers who still watch CNN.

Donald Trump got in a heated discussion at a news conference with a reporter from CNN and called the network “fake news.” So far there is no comment from the network which is still working to see if the charges are false or not.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. Which is mostly a result of the self-loathing of the people who spend 17 hours a day logged on looking at cat videos and what their friends ate for breakfast.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. To which the social network says it’s not true, that it was simply another fake news report that someone put on Facebook.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. What’s even worse is that it was more unpopular than Carnival, Goldman Sachs and AT&T.

Facebook made it onto a list of America’s most hated companies. In other words, it was like getting half the people you know on the site to simultaneously hit the “unfriend” button.

Experts say some ingredients in salads may make people miserable. The way to make them happier is to replace the lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers with some fat, sugar and salt.

The Air Force says it will allow people to enlist who smoke pot and have more than 25% of their body covered with tattoos. Which would be good news if they were trying to start recruiting airmen from the NBA.

California storms have added 350 Billion gallons to parched reservoirs. The heavy rains are causing all kinds of problems except in Hollywood where women have been informed their breast implants can be used as floatation devices.

A study says migraine sufferers are at a higher risk of strokes after surgery. Most other people are still at the usual increased risk of stroke following surgery when they are given their hospital bills.

Chicago saw a decade high homicide rate in 2016 of 812 people. The number is much lower in Texas where deaths don’t make the homicide list as long as the victim was confirmed to have “needed killin.’”

A report says Germany welcomed far fewer immigrants in 2016. People were surprised. When has Germany “welcomed” anybody?

Police in England say British children’s author Helen Bailey was killed by her fiancée. Investigators were still trying to determine was she was murdered in a box, was she murdered with a fox?

Walgreens and FedEx will offer package pickup and drop-off at 8,000 pharmacies. Which will make for much more convenient one-stop shopping for all of the nation’s opioid dealers.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin has reportedly been polishing his signature before it appears on the nation’s currency. For one thing, he has made it easier to read by forking out the money to actually buy a vowel.

A survey says one in three banking customers would consider an account run online by Google, Facebook or Amazon. It would be convenient to look up how much money you have on Google, use it to pay for worthless junk on Amazon and when overdrawn on Facebook just get unfriended.

Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson ducked questions in his confirmation hearing about whether his company ExxonMobil misled the public on climate change. He says the company has only misled the public on how much they have been price gouging everyone since 2007.

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. The only question is wasn’t that what all the reporters were supposed to learn while they were in college?

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. The first rule is to never take seriously any news report they find on Facebook.

Facebook has launched a journalism project to help those who gather the news. Which hopefully means the course will be taken by the people at NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, USA Today…

A data firm says the U.S. salaries will keep growing this year. At least as long as the cities and states keep voting to raise the minimum wage.

VW has pleaded guilty over its emissions scandal with charges of conspiracy and obstruction. Which means the company executives now have the necessary background and experience to run for Congress.

Amazon Prime has announced its own credit card. Apparently it’s for those who think that people who think it’s just too snobby and pretentious to go with the Discover Card.

Pharmaceutical company stocks plummeted after Donald Trump called them “a disaster.” The good news is the share prices went right back up with all the prescriptions for antidepressants that were written out for the company CEOs.

A study says U.S. chain restaurants are not following their promise to boost the nutritional quality of their kids’ menus. Apparently they are afraid if they do that, they will pretty much be bringing out an empty plate.

A study says U.S. chain restaurants are not following their promise to boost the nutritional quality of their kids’ menus. Those that are simply cut out the middleman and take the meals right from the kitchen over to the trash bin.

Experts warn that with no new antidepressants in sight despite a growing need. Mostly from news like there are no new depression medications in sight.

Researchers say cutting the salt content in food by 10% could save millions of lives worldwide from heart disease. The only problem is the only way to get people to eat food without salt is to increase the amount of fat and sugar.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. At least not directly. There is a link to headaches from tuning in every day and hearing all of Al Roker’s bad jokes.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which is good news for the TV stations who can breathe a sigh of relief they didn’t waste all those millions of dollars on computers and their own RADAR system.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which is a disappointment for the National Weather Service meteorologists who can no longer make a forecast by calling grandma.

A study says weather conditions are not to blame for people’s aches and pains. Which will be met with an argument by anyone who has ever been hit by lightning.

A study says high insurance deductibles can take a toll on a family’s finances. Especially when the deductible, copays and premiums add up to more than the cost of the medical bills.

A study says high insurance deductibles can take a toll on a family’s finances. The good news is that it takes the pressure off the families of health insurance CEOs when they buy yet another vacation home in the Hamptons.

A study says the appendix may have a use after all, protecting beneficial bacteria in the gut. Until now it was just seen as a quick way for hospitals to make $25,000 by taking them out.

A family in Texas found they could calm their newborn by letting her watch the Dallas Cowboys. As opposed to people in Ohio who find that kids of all ages along with adults can be put right to sleep when they watch the Cleveland Browns.

The White House has lifted a 40 year ban on using cameras on public tours. Mostly as an easier way to gather evidence with video of the Secret Service chasing each new intruder through the East Wing.

The White House has lifted a 40 year ban on using cameras on public tours. Which was done on purpose by President Obama as a way to upset Donald Trump by making it so he can’t walk to the Oval Office in his underwear every day.

Ben Affleck says he is bracing for an “entertaining” Trump presidency. Which is pretty much a guarantee just looking at how things have gone during the audience warm up.

Ben Affleck says he is bracing for an “entertaining” Trump presidency. To which Donald Trump says he wishes he could say the same thing about Affleck’s films from “Reindeer Games” through “Jersey Girl.”

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” People were surprised. People were paid to make that film?

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” To which Kutcher says he will make up for it by giving her a dollar and making it two bucks apiece.

Natalie Portman says Ashton Kutcher was paid three times as much as she was for the movie “No Strings Attached.” Although it’s tough not to pay someone more who comes into the project with a body of work that includes “Dude, Where’s My Car?”

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. Fortunately she did well enough in the bathing suit and evening gown competitions to make up for coming up short in the points for Miss Congeniality.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. Apparently he had no idea she won the talent competition with a demonstration of Tae Kwon Do.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. He says he was fearing for his life when he found himself being pointed at by a pair of 38s.

A former Miss United States has been charged with assaulting her boyfriend. She reportedly has a degree in biomedical and nuclear science. She has an action movie career in her future as a combination of biological and nuclear warfare in high heels.

Snooki Polizzi slammed Donald Trump for his “New Celebrity Apprentice” tweet knocking the show’s ratings as “weird.” How bad is it when you are called out for your behavior by a former cast member of “Jersey Shore”?

Victoria Beckham says she regrets getting breast implants. Now people are just waiting for the apology they never got for her doing “Spice World.”

Victoria Beckham says she regrets getting breast implants. Although they did help her career by getting her into the Spice Girls instead of wasting all her money on voice lessons.

George Lucas says he is bringing his $1 Billion “Star Wars” museum to Los Angeles. It will finally bring some revenge for those who will actually be ushered to the front of line ahead of everyone else by showing up wearing corduroy.

Allen Iverson is part of a group of retired NBA players who are joining a 3 on 3 league started by Ice Cube. Which means that Iverson will be able to play in games where he only has to ignore two other teammates.

A new smartphone comes with a molecular sensor that enables it to “see” inside objects. Like the vast vacuum between Kim Kardashian’s ears every time she decides to take another selfie.

Scientists say they have proven the Moon is much older than previously thought at 4.51 Billion years. Not really. It’s just that they can pretty much just make up any number they want and who is going to be able to argue it?

Scientists say they have proven the Moon is much older than previously thought at 4.51 Billion years. Which is really bad news for the real estate agent who has had the listing rights all this time and has been able to move absolutely nothing.

Massachusetts is weighing in on staying on Daylight Saving Time all year. Mostly because people there are tired of having to “drive the cah to the pahk when it is still too dahk.”

A poll says 1 in 10 Americans say they will die in debt. The other 9 are also saying that but just so their kids won’t try to kill them for the inheritance.

A poll says 1 in 10 Americans say they will die in debt. Mostly because they want to be patriotic and live their life the same way as their country.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is waging war against the intelligence community. Which is ironic in that just doesn’t sound like a very smart battle to start. The good news is that Trump may finally be the one to bring the country together just because it will be so much fun to watch the infighting between all the different branches of the government. We should set the example and show that the best way to get along is to make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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