Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Horror movie “The Bye Bye Man” opens nationwide on Friday. Which sounds like a terrifying title for a movie if you are three.

Horror movie “The Bye Bye Man” opens nationwide on Friday. So far there are already several sequels in the making, including “The Adios Man,” The Toodles Man” and “The See-You-Later-Alligator Man.”

Horror movie “The Bye Bye Man” opens nationwide on Friday. The title comes from the “bye bye” moviegoers will be saying to the eight bucks they are paying to see it.

A study says Florida is the most dangerous state for pedestrians. To which people in Los Angeles are asking “What’s a pedestrian?”

A study says Florida is the most dangerous state for pedestrians. Mostly for people who start crossing the street because they assume the 80 year old driver approaching them with their blinker light on is actually going to turn.

A study says Florida is the most dangerous state for pedestrians. Mostly in Miami where it takes the residents who are all over 90 years old at least 15 minutes just to cross to the median.

A study says revenge puts people in a better mood. At least when they are released from prison after serving the 20 years they served after getting their revenge.

A study says half of all young people have so many emotional problems they can’t focus at school. Mostly because all their emotional problems including bullies, stress over grades and lecherous teachers all happen only while they are in school.

The U.S. Army is requesting biodegradable ammunition that contains seeds that can grow plants. Apparently they not only want the enemy to push up daisies but to also supply them with the daisies.

New Hampshire is considering banning Russian vodka as a consequence to the country hacking U.S. elections. The only problem is how do they expect anyone to get through a New Hampshire winter without several cases of Russian vodka?

GM CEO Mary Barra predicts that auto sales will stay strong in North America. Especially for people buying their third and fourth GM vehicle to drive while their first and second are still in shop on the latest recall.

GM CEO Mary Barra predicts that auto sales will stay strong in North America. Just as long as they can still build cars with cheap labor in Mexico and count on another government bailout when things don’t work out.

Russia is considering a ban on tobacco for citizens born in 2014 or later. Which means there are going to be some mighty cranky three year olds who have nothing to do while waiting in line eight hours at the store to buy some diapers.

Russia is considering a ban on tobacco for citizens born in 2014 or later. However, if Vladimir Putin is still President in another 16 years he will waive the rule for anyone he sentences to the firing squad.

Wal-Mart says it is going to eliminate thousands of jobs before the end of January. The store is trying to make up for sagging sales and says the move will save the company literally hundreds of dollars in salaries each year.

Pokemon Go has been banned in China. Or as it is now called there, Pokemon Go Home.

Pokemon Go has been banned in China. Which gives some insight as to why they are beating us economically, educationally and culturally.

Moby says he was invited to perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration but says he would only appear if Trump releases his tax returns. Although many people associate the song “Porcelain” with the November election as they spent the entire next day praying to the porcelain god.

 Moby says he was invited to perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration but says he would only appear if Trump releases his tax returns. To which Trump says he will release his returns from the last year Moby was relevant, 1997.

Senator Jeff Sessions at his confirmation hearing for Attorney General rejected accusations he is racist. What’s he going to say? The only people answering that question “yes” on a job interview are those applying for Grand Wizard of the KKK, family members of “Duck Dynasty” and anyone in Georgia.

The IRS says it will delay tax refunds for 40 Million low income families to fight identity theft and fraud. Tue question is, why would anyone steal the identity of someone who is considered low income?

The IRS says it will delay tax refunds for 40 Million low income families to fight identity theft and fraud. People were shocked. There are 40 Million Americans who make enough money to file a tax return?

Chipotle is being sued for $2 Billion by a woman whose picture was used in an advertisement without her consent. Apparently she was worried that if she was seen eating at Chipotle, she would be canceled by her health insurance company.

 A report says the double digit jump in health insurance premiums this year was a “one time correction.” At least until the insurance companies decide they want more money and can get away with it again.

A study says conservative politicians are better looking than liberals. Except this election with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders where all three finished in a dead heat tie for last.

A study says conservative politicians are better looking than liberals. Which liberals claim isn’t fair because Ralph Nader alone affected the results for the left negatively for the last 30 years.

Hasbro says it will let the people vote for their favorite tokens including the shoe, top hat and thimble in the latest edition of Monopoly. As opposed to Wall Street bankers who will also vote for their monopoly favorites between J. P. Morgan, Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley.

A digital publisher says he “wants to alter the perception of cannabis users.” Isn’t that pretty much why they are smoking pot in the first place?

A poll says Americans are relatively upbeat about the economy. As opposed to the last nine years where when it comes to the economy they have been pretty beat up.

Yahoo is planning to change its name and lose CEO Marissa Mayer in its sale to Verizon. The name is being changed because with Mayer walking out the door with $160 Million in severance pay, she is the only one still saying “Yahoo!”

Scientists say they are concerned about a 200% increase in the use of artificial sweeteners by kids. Although it still isn’t anywhere near as bad as the 5,000% increase in their use of sugar, salt and fat.

Scientists say they are concerned about a 200% increase in the use of artificial sweeteners by kids. Mostly because of the 200% increase in the number of cases of artificial diabetes.

A study says poor children are more likely to exhibit antisocial and aggressive behavior. Which is ironic as that is the same sort of behavior exhibited by older people when they become rich.

Hostess has recalled its Holiday White Peppermint Twinkies because of the possibility of salmonella contamination. The good news is that the salmonella is still less of a health hazard than the other ingredients in the Twinkies.

A report says tobacco kills 6 Million people and costs $1 Trillion a year for health care expenses worldwide. To which congressional Republicans say makes it almost as bad as Obamacare.

A report says tobacco kills 6 Million people and costs $1 Trillion a year for health care expenses worldwide. Which the tobacco industry says since it also employs 6 Million people with $1 Trillion in profits, let’s just call it a wash.

Scientists say they have found the reason why binge drinking causes binge eating. It’s called the menu at IHOP.

Scientists say they have found the reason why binge drinking causes binge eating. Which most people know is to soak up all the binge alcohol.

A study says the number of people in the world with high blood pressure has increased in the past 25 years. Mostly because of the Internet and men using it who are constantly worried they will be caught by their wives.

A study says women tend to hold their babies to the left. Mostly so they have their right hand free to punch their husbands for not helping out around the house.

Chris Christie in his final State of the State speech said he would focus on the U.S. drug epidemic. Mostly the people who are using drugs to numb them from the fact they can’t get out of New Jersey.

Chris Christie in his final State of the State speech said he would focus on the U.S. drug epidemic. His message is why use drugs when you can get the same effect by turning to comfort foods?

Two producers of “Duck Dynasty” are suing ITV Studios for $100 Million saying they are using intimidation and extortion to buy them out at a lower price. In other words, they are trying to take control of “Duck Dynasty” by using a decoy.

Lola Kirke says she has been getting death threats over not shaving her armpits for the Golden Globes. Someone really needs to shut down Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Lola Kirke says she has been getting death threats over not shaving her armpits for the Golden Globes. Apparently some Europeans find it very offensive when someone is guilty of impersonating being French.

Ben Affleck says his daughters love Disney and Taylor Swift. They also loved their nanny but she was fired when Jennifer Garner found out he did, too.

Police in France say Kim Kardashian’s driver is one of the suspects being held in connection with her robbery. Which gives a valuable lesson to everyone. Next time, make sure to tip when using Uber.

Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell says he is to the NFL what Stephen Curry is to basketball. Although with Curry setting records with three pointers, wouldn’t that statement be more appropriate if Bell was a kicker?

Las Vegas books took a bath on Alabama’s loss to Clemson in the College Football Championship game. While it was bad news for casinos, it was a chance to finally be able to use the word “books” when referring to college football players.

Derrick Rose went AWOL from the New York Knicks and refused to answer his phone saying he “needed space.” To which most people are wondering if he was referring to the vast emptiness between his ears.

U.S. intelligence says Russia obtained “compromising information” about Donald Trump. In other words, they have been monitoring his Twitter account.

U.S. intelligence says Russia obtained “compromising information” about Donald Trump. The good news is that it is the first time “Donald Trump” and “compromising” have ever been used in the same sentence.

U.S. intelligence says Russia obtained “compromising information” about Donald Trump. The question is, how were they the ones to get a hold of his tax returns?

U.S. intelligence says Russia obtained “compromising information” about Donald Trump. At a news conference, Trump says that's the last time he checks into a Russian hotel and requests a room with a gold trimmed shower.

Former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson at his confirmation hearing for Secretary of State said “Russia must be held accountable for its actions.” Which brought a huge laugh from the gallery, mostly in the section reserved for other oil company CEOs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking in with the jokes once again. Make sure to tell your friends about it, just as long as you don’t mind them not being your friends anymore. I would like to increase the number of daily views. So far my goal of 7 Billion readers a day is still a bit shy of the mark, but if I could get a few thousand that would be nice. Or hundred. Or dozens. Just think how nice it would be if there were millions of people out there every day remembering to always keep on sending the love!


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