Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A poll says 63% of Republicans are more aligned with Donald Trump than with Congress. The question is, who are the 37% who think that Congress is ever going to do something for them?

A move to block porn websites in Iran has reportedly also cut off much the rest of the world from accessing online porn. Where are those Russian hackers when you really need them?

A report says cities around the world are pushing for a cash-free society. Which means they are still behind the U.S. where most people have been pretty much cash-free since 2007.

Cadillac has launched a vehicle subscription service for a fee of $1,500 a month. People are buying in because they aren’t locked into one car, don’t have to deal with maintenance and the subscription fee is much lower than what they used to get soaked for by Publishers Clearing House.

University of London students are demanding “white philosophers” be dropped from the school’s curriculum. Not because of political correctness, but mostly because they know they will never make more than $30,000 a year with a philosophy degree.

A Baltimore man reportedly shot at his wife and daughter when one of them took a bite from his grilled cheese sandwich. It looks like the sandwich was not the only one that suffered a meltdown.

The Agriculture Department says the cost of raising a child through age 17 has jumped to $233,610. What’s worse is that doesn’t even cover the cost of bail, lawyers fees or rehab.

The Agriculture Department says the cost of raising a child through age 17 has jumped to $233,610. Mostly because 17 year olds have needs that kids of previous generations didn’t. Like diabetes supplies, portable oxygen and a cardiologist.

A poll says 52% of Americans want Donald Trump to nominate a Supreme Court Justice who will interpret the Constitution as it was originally written. The problem is finding someone today who still speaks using “Thee, thou and thy.”

17 suspects are being held in connection with Kim Kardashian being bound, gagged and robbed in France. Apparently it took that many people just to stretch enough duct tape to tie her rear end to the chair.

17 suspects are being held in connection with Kim Kardashian being bound, gagged and robbed in France. What was interesting is that is fewer people than usually needed just to carry her luggage around.

A report says online holiday sales grew eight times faster than at stores. Mostly because men have found they can give the excuse of doing Christmas shopping while they are really going online to watch some porn.

Candy maker Mars is reportedly buying an L.A. based animal hospital chain for $7.7 Billion. Apparently they figure they can profit at both ends by making chocolate and then treating the dogs that get sick when they get into their owners’ stash of M&M’s.

The FDA has confirmed St. Jude’s cardiac devices can be hacked. The good news is that anyone with a device who starts having a heart attack is immediately given CPR by a Russian cardiologist.

The FDA has confirmed St. Jude’s cardiac devices can be hacked. Which is bad enough knowing they had to have a device implanted because their arteries and veins had already been invasively targeted years ago by McDonald’s.

The ad executive who helped name the Big Mac has died at age 89. He credited his long life to never eating any Big Macs.

Jack Goldsmith, the ad executive who helped name the Big Mac has died at age 89. The end came slowly for Goldsmith as his last words were “Two…all…beef…patties…special…sauce…lettuce…cheese…pickles…onions…on…a…sesame…seed…bun.”

The Chevy Bolt electric vehicle has been named North American Car of the Year. What isn’t known to most people is that “Bolt” is simply the shortened version of the Chevrolet industry nickname, “Bucket of Bolts.”

The Chevy Bolt electric vehicle has been named North American Car of the Year. It’s just a good thing for Chevrolet that Mexico where the cars are all built is still considered part of North America.

The Chevy Bolt electric vehicle has been named North American Car of the Year. The bad part with buying a long range electric vehicle is that the biggest electricity hazard isn’t in plugging in the car at night as much as the original sticker shock.

Fiat Chrysler says it will invest $1 Billion in plants in Michigan and Ohio that will create 21,000 jobs. What they don’t say is that the jobs aren’t for auto workers as much as the tow truck drivers and mechanics who will be needed by customers buying a car made by Fiat Chrysler.

Researchers in England say teeth may someday repair themselves using stem cells. To which most people in the UK are saying it would be nice to have both of those teeth back someday.

Researchers in England say teeth may someday repair themselves using stem cells. To which people in Alabama and Georgia breathed a sigh of relief saying they thought it was going to be something about having to brush and floss every week.

A report says U.S. organ transplants increased 20% over the past five years. Mostly the Americans who have eaten every meal at McDonald’s since 2012 and during that time needed to replace their heart three times.

A study says that people who swear the most tend to be more honest than others. That may be true. When is the last time a sailor has ever lied to you?

A study says that people who swear the most tend to be more honest than others. To which most people are saying “Damn straight!”

A study says that people who swear the most tend to be more honest than others. Which means that maybe all the promises Donald Trump made when he was running for President may happen after all.

The maker of the memory supplement Prevegen is being sued by the FTC for making false claims about the product. The manufacturer says they have plenty of proof the product works, they just can’t remember where they put it.

A study says children with behavioral disorders fare better when getting exercise at school. Like those kids are going to listen to anyone telling them to go out and play.

A study says children with behavioral disorders fare better when getting exercise at school. The only problem is finding a control group of other kids who have ever done any exercising in school.

A baby with two heads was reportedly born in Mexico. Apparently it is the result of evolution, with one head that can act as lookout while the other works on climbing over Donald Trump’s border wall.

Researchers say there is usually a spike in the divorce rate in January. So apparently January 5th doesn’t only pertain to online shopping when it is called “National Returns Day.”

California has become the first state to pay for sex reassignment surgery for prisoners. The irony is that for many inmates, depending on who their cellmate is makes being sent to prison pretty much sex reassignment in itself.

U2 has announced a Joshua Tree tour. Which is really big news for anyone who didn’t have enough money to buy a ticket the first time it came around back in 1987.

U2 has announced a Joshua Tree tour. Which means people going to the concert can either video the show themselves or have Bono just automatically download it into their cellphone whether they want it or not.

Rory McIlroy says he skipped the Olympics because he didn’t like the idea of being forced to choose between representing Ireland or England. Mostly because either way he would be staying in the Olympic Village and be forced to eat British food.

Chinese billionaire Jack Ma of Alibaba has promised Donald Trump he will bring 1 Million jobs to the U.S. All he needs to do now is recruit a million 6 year olds who are ready to skip out of Kindergarten and start their career in the factories.

A Michigan man was given a $128 ticket for warming up his car in his own driveway. Apparently the problem had to do something with being in Michigan in January and having to leave his car running for five days to finally get it warm enough to drive.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer will reportedly leave the company after it is bought by Verizon. She will leave the company being able to claim she met all her goals she had when she arrived. Mostly walking out the door with a $160 Million severance check.

This week is the tenth anniversary of the iPhone. It also marks a full decade since the last time anyone actually had a personal conversation while talking and looking at another human being.

Microsoft is retiring its Blue Screen of Death for Windows 10 users with a Green Screen of Death. Which is finally a way that people can show they have the latest upgrade and aren’t using one of the older clunky Windows operating systems.

Apple says it will launch three new iPad models in the spring of 2017. Which means they can cash in on all the Apple enthusiasts who don’t want to miss out on being able to collect all 50.

A new snow shoveling app called Shovler allows people to order a crew to clean off their driveway. Which is being downloaded in droves by people in California, Arizona and Florida so they can show it to their friends and say “Oh, don’t need it!”

A new snow shoveling app called Shovler allows people to order a crew to clean off their driveway. For people who prefer to shovel themselves, the company also offers an alternative app called “Start CPR and Call 911!”

On the ten year anniversary of the iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook says “the best is yet to come.” Mostly the company’s plan to make up for sagging sales by introducing 20 new upgrades of the iPhone next year.

A geographer has determined that Center, North Dakota is the geographic center of North America. Although the city actually got its name from the fact that everyone there knows it is in the middle of nowhere.

A geographer has determined that Center, North Dakota is the geographic center of North America. People were surprised at the news. No one had any idea that someone educated in the U.S. would be able to find North Dakota on a map.

House Republican Jason Chaffetz says he will continue to probe Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server. Apparently the investigation will continue until he is 100% certain she will not be a presidential candidate in 2020.

Donald Trump National Security Council pick Monica Crowley is now being accused of plagiarizing parts of her Ph.D. dissertation about the effects of President Nixon’s policy with China. Her only comment about the charges was “I am not a crook.”

House Republican Jason Chaffetz says he “won’t be a cheerleader for Donald Trump.” Mostly because he has seen how Donald Trump reacts to anyone who is dressed like a cheerleader.

A poll says the independent political ID in the U.S. is the lowest in six years. Which is not to be confused with the political IQ in this country which is the lowest in the past two centuries.

A poll says the independent political ID in the U.S. is the lowest in six years. Mostly because anyone who says they are neutral just isn’t informed enough to be as mad as they should be.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Trump National Security pick Monica Crowley has been accused of being a serial plagiarist. I am shocked. I think that it is about the worst thing anyone can be confronted with, and hope those people don’t look at any of these jokes. They were all pinched from Bennett Cerf’s Book of Riddles. Actually I have never had to worry about anyone taking credit for these jokes. These are here for anyone to use in publications, TV or radio or just telling to friends. But I do know some other writers like to lift a few of these and that is a no-no. Don’t be a Monica Crowley. If you are taking some of these, send me a check or learn to write better. I do this because it is my hobby and I like to bring pleasure to others, and all I ask of anyone is that they remember to always keep on sending the love!


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