Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Yet another celebrity death in 2016. Mariah Carey’s performance on “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.”

How happy was Outback Steak House when the bowl game they sponsored featured a quarterback named Appleby?

Maria Carey says her performance on New Year’s Eve was sabotaged by ABC to see their ratings go up. If ABC wanted to have a guaranteed disaster on the stage, they would have booked a duet with Britney Spears and Justin Bieber.

Maria Carey says her performance on New Year’s Eve was sabotaged by ABC to see their ratings go up. She has a point. This is the same show that made sure Dick Clark spent his final few years being the one to call out the New Year’s countdown.

Maria Carey says her performance on New Year’s Eve was sabotaged by ABC to see their ratings go up. If ABC really wanted a disaster on New Year’s Eve, they would have just scheduled a marathon of “Fresh Off The Boat.”

The new Governor of Puerto Rico is pushing for statehood to end the country’s economic crisis. Although anyone who thinks joining the U.S. means an end to economic problems just has to look at Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama.

A survey says Millennials lack the basic practical survival skills, like reading a map or being able to catch fish. Which for Millennials isn’t a problem as they will just set the GPS to direct them to the closest Red Lobster.

A survey says Millennials lack the basic practical survival skills, like reading a map or being able to catch fish. Which when Millennials are faced with those problems will first ask “What’s a map?”

A report says 250 earthquakes were recorded along the California and Mexico border. Which Donald Trump immediately tweeted he was taking credit for instead of building a wall to shake all the immigrants back to where they came from.

The homelessness rate in Washington, D.C. reportedly is now double the national average. Which is no concern to most people as long as the home they are being kicked out of is the House of Representatives.

Finland is starting a program where 2,000 residents will be given a guaranteed income of $587 a month. Or as minimum wage earners in the U.S. call $587 a month, “a windfall.”

Finland is starting a program where 2,000 residents will be given a guaranteed income of $587 a month. Which is about just enough to cover the cost of the average heating bill in Finland during the summer months.

A California company is building doomsday shelters in South Dakota for the wealthy to survive apocalyptic events like nuclear war. What better way to survive an atomic bomb than by moving to an area that already looks like nuclear ground zero?

Twin babies in Arizona, California and Georgia were born on both sides of the new year. Those are three women who will constantly remind their husbands of how they were in labor from one year into the next.

Police in Cologne, Germany are being accused of racial profiling immigrants on New Year’s Eve. Apparently officials in Cologne became suspicious when something just didn’t smell right.

A study says New York City could get by with 78% fewer cabs. For one thing, taxis could pick up more drivers and make more trips without sitting in the traffic gridlock with 78% of the cabs driving around looking for their next fare.

A study says New York City could get by with 78% fewer cabs. Although that could completely put an end for all intents and purposes to the car air freshener business.

A box office record or $11.37 Billion was set in 2016. Mostly by people who went to the movies to take a break from watching films, programs and videos on their iPhones.

Fiat Chrysler will reportedly introduce an Android infotainment system in their cars. Which will come in handy for people who want to listen to some good music or watch some videos while they are killing time waiting for the tow truck to arrive.

The top Twitter executive in China is leaving the post after only a few months. Apparently it wasn’t explained to them that 140 characters in Chinese is the equivalent of reading a novel.

Nigeria says it will close the airport in its capital city for six weeks because of repairs to the runways. The good news is it will reopen just in time for the next scheduled flight to Nigeria.

Nigeria says it will close the airport in its capital city for six weeks because of repairs to the runways. Apparently the funding from several Nigerian princes is taking longer than expected as people are finally getting wise to e-mail scammers.

UPS has been fined $73,000 for safety violations at a Louisville airport hangar. Apparently a red flag cost Brown some green.

A report says Turkey is facing a tourist exodus because of recent terror attacks. Which is sad knowing that both people are possibly cutting their vacations short.

McDonald’s has opened a store in the Vatican Building. Although some people think the restaurant of choice should have been a Picadilly to cater to all the cafeteria Catholics.

A poll says a majority of Americans are skeptical that Donald Trump can handle the presidential duties. It will just be a matter of time before that changes and they join the rest of the country who knows he is in completely over his head.

A poll says a majority of Americans are skeptical that Donald Trump can handle the presidential duties. Fortunately, ever since the 2000 and 2016 elections that whole “majority” thing has pretty much completely lost its meaning.

A study says that it helps to sleep following a traumatic event. Which is sometimes easier said than done, especially when being caught sneaking into the bedroom at 3 am by your wife.

A study says that it helps to sleep following a traumatic event. Which may explain why it suddenly occurs that you haven’t seen a lot of friends or coworkers since the November election.

Denver Broncos coach Gary Kubiak says he is retiring because of health issues. If that’s the case for the defending Super Bowl champs, then the head coach of the Cleveland Browns had better start getting his affairs in order.

A study says children of obese parents are more likely to have difficulty with development, including using the small muscles of their fingers and hands. That could be a good thing as being able to use those muscles to handle a butter knife is what made their parents obese in the first place.

Dogs are being used to provide therapy for patients at a Brazilian hospital. As opposed to hospitals in Korea that also make use of dogs, mostly for lunch.

A study says that pot may restrict blood flow to the brain which can affect the users’ memory and ability to reason. To which everyone who knows any stoners is saying “That’s news?”

A study says that pot may restrict blood flow to the part of the brain that can affect the users’ memory and ability to reason. Scientists say the area affected is the hippocampus. To which stoners are asking who cares where the hippopotami are going to school?

Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall says he would stay with the team and play for free. Fans were surprised. With quarterbacks like Ryan Fitzpatrick and Geno Smith, why do they even need receivers in the first place?

Buffalo Bills GM Doug Whaley says he had no involvement in the firing of coach Rex Ryan. Which is surprising that he didn’t take credit as that was pretty much the only smart move the team made all year.

The San Francisco 49ers fired coach Chip Kelly after one year. Which seems like a bit of an overreaction as he can claim he did twice as well as the Cleveland Browns.

Donald Trump says that no computer is safe. The best example he can give is how even Hillary Clinton’s home computer is what cost her the presidential election.

A study says 3,000 Uber rides could replace the entire taxi fleet in New York City. Mostly because the Uber drivers have no problem trying to make some extra cash by cramming eight passengers wanting to travel through Manhattan into the same Prius.

A study says 3,000 Uber rides could replace the entire taxi fleet in New York City. Not only that, but having three different passengers in the same car along with an anchovy pizza for delivery would still smell better than a ride in a cab.

Workers in France have been given the “right to disconnect” where they don’t have to answer e-mails after work hours. To which Hillary Clinton is saying if we had that here, she would be measuring for drapes in the White House right now.

Workers in France have been given the “right to disconnect” where they don’t have to answer e-mails after work hours. The good news is they can still be completely rude and obnoxious to perfect strangers even on their own time.

Samsung has unveiled its new Galaxy A phones. Tech experts are excited about the new product, saying they expect it to start out with a real bang.

A study says taking a break from Facebook can dramatically brighten a person’s mood. People were shocked at the news. They found someone willing to take a break from social media?

House Republicans have moved to slash the powers of the congressional ethics watchdog. Apparently they feel it’s time to quit pretending there is actually a group that can do anything to keep members of Congress in line.

Bruce Springsteen is questioning whether Donald Trump is fit to serve as President. Mostly after Trump started saying that the song “Born In The U.S.A.” would be a great campaign song for anyone but President Obama.

Former Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue is reportedly being considered by Donald Trump for Agriculture Secretary. To which most people say it would be a lot easier to appoint a person named Perdue to that position if their first name is Frank.


Former Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue is reportedly being considered by Donald Trump for Agriculture Secretary. It’s the one way to get someone from Georgia to finally have a title that contains the word “culture.”

A report says remittance payments to Mexico have spiked after the November election. Mostly because the immigrants with families across the border know that after the Inauguration, the only way to get money home will be to throw some cash over the wall.

A poll says Donald Trump is starting off the presidency in a historically weak position, with his popularity ratings well below 50%. Which is a good strategy to have as at least he can’t do much worse than how far most Americans have already lowered their expectations.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson says he will swim in Lake Erie if his team goes 1-15 next year. Which is redundant for someone who is coaching a team that is already underwater.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson says he will swim in Lake Erie if his team goes 1-15 next year. Which is a pretty safe promise because he won’t be around to have to do it after another year like this one.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson says he will swim in Lake Erie if his team goes 1-15 next year. That probably won’t come to pass as even the Chargers will think twice about gifting them another win next year.

A pit bull mix in Florida named “Scarface” mauled its owner who was trying to dress the dog in a sweater. The only question is how drunk was the owner to not understand what part of “pit bull,” “dog sweater” and “Scarface” did not add up to a good idea?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My first blog of the New Year is now in the books and I am ready for a great 2017. If nothing else, just the idea of “President Donald Trump” will make for half the joke ideas before even climbing out of bed in the morning. I hope you all had a very Happy New Year and I thank you all for still checking out the jokes on a daily basis. Or weekly. Or by accident when you misspelled the name of the porn site you meant to look at. All I need to keep me going is when you remember to always keep sending the love!


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