Friday, December 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Paris has made all public transportation free to cut back on pollution from traffic. Although it isn’t known what is more dangerous, breathing in the toxic smog or being stuck on a train full of Parisians who haven’t bathed in the past six months.

Sheryl Sandberg says she doesn’t think fake news stories on Facebook swayed the election. Although a bigger concern is that people who get their news from Facebook are actually able to vote in elections.

Parents are being warned to watch out for teenagers’ secret raunchy codes for text messaging. The worst is “AW” which means they are sharing texts with Anthony Weiner.

Parents are being warned to watch out for teenagers’ secret raunchy codes for text messaging. Which is pretty much otherwise known as teenagers’ text messaging.

Parents are being warned to watch out for teenagers’ secret raunchy codes for text messaging. The coded abbreviations are often found hidden inside the messages that are written right below the naked pictures they are sending to their friends.

A study says inhaling through the nose stimulates the brain and boosts the memory. Although it isn’t a good sign when people are constantly having to remind themselves that they need to keep breathing.

A study says inhaling through the nose stimulates the brain and boosts the memory. Which it’s already known there isn’t a lot of brain activity going on for anyone who has waited in line behind the mouth breathers using the bench press at the local “Y.”

Iran has opened a war-based theme park for children. The only problem is having them go through their version of “It’s A Small World” without detonating their suicide bombing vest.

Iran has opened a war-based theme park for children. Although nothing prepares children to be able to deal with inhumane conditions like waiting in line for three hours on a hot and humid August day just to ride the Teacups at Disney World.

A new plane will reportedly be able to fly from London to New York in 20 minutes. Which along with four hours of traffic to get to JFK and three hours in line with the TSA can still make the total flight less than eight hours.

A study says chimpanzees can remember each others’ butts as well as their faces. Humans are no different, which can be proven by the number of pictures of each that have been posted online by Kim Kardashian.

A study says the number of giraffes has dropped by 40% in the past three decades. The number one cause for the demise of the species? Strep throat.

A report says the number of STDs in those 50 to 70 years old has been rising. Mostly because thanks to Viagra, Levitra and Cialis, that hasn’t been the only thing in 50 to 70 year olds that has been rising.

73 year old Mick Jagger has become a father for the eighth time. The strange part is that he is hoping he can get some help babysitting his new son from his grandchildren.

73 year old Mick Jagger has become a father for the eighth time. The fun part will be when the baby is ready for solid food and they will both be able to share their favorite varieties of Gerber’s.

73 year old Mick Jagger has become a father for the eighth time. The baby’s mother is 29 years old, which means the child’s first words will be “Mama” and “Who’s the geezer?”

A study says life expectancy has dropped in the U.S. for the first time in decades. Mostly from all the people who have been jumping off buildings ever since Trump was elected President.

Japan has been tagging people who have dementia with barcodes. The sad part is when the codes are scanned at the supermarket, the person is directed over to the vegetable section.

Doctors in Denmark want to end the practice of circumcising boys. Mostly because they feel they should be able to make the decision themselves when they are older and understand what it means when they are asked if they want “a slice of Danish.”

The CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s has been picked by Donald Trump as the new Secretary of Labor. He is credited for helping many people through the unemployment crisis, particularly those who eat regularly enough at Car’s Jr. and Hardee’s to qualify for permanent disability.

Portland, Oregon has voted to tax companies whose CEOs make 100 times the median employee’s pay. Which means the companies can save money on taxes and keep their executives’ pay by just raising their minimum wage to $100,000 a year.

AT&T has agreed to refund $88 Million for bogus charges. Which “bogus charges” are otherwise known to customers as their monthly bill.

The Census Bureau says in the next 15 years the world will have 1 Billion people who are 65 or older. Which means the other 6 Billion people will just have to become used to driving behind someone who always leaves the blinker flashing.

The Census Bureau says in the next 15 years the world will have 1 Billion people who are 65 or older. Which will open up all kinds of employment opportunities for all the restaurants that will have to start serving dinner at 4:00.

Major League Baseball has reached an agreement to keep working with wearable technology. While gadgets like Fitbit are having trouble keeping track of heart and breathing rates, they are excellent at determining exactly how many times during each plate appearance a player has scratched themselves.

A report says most the jobs created since 2005 are nontraditional. Meaning there is no traditional office, no traditional hours and no traditional paycheck.

A report says U.S. households have a record net worth or $90.2 Trillion. The only problem is that $90 Trillion of that belongs to the households of Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg.

Prosecutors in L.A. are suing Sears, Kohl’s, Macy’s and Penney’s over an alleged price scheme. To which shoppers in L.A. are asking who even goes to Sears, Kohl’s Macy’s and Penney’s?

A study says that smoking pot may alter users’ vision. To which most stoners say that is pretty much the whole point.

The Surgeon General is warning parents of the dangers of e-cigarettes to their children. The only question is how bad of a parent are you if you really didn’t have an idea about that already?

Lawmakers are pushing to stop the practice of the same doctor performing simultaneous surgeries. Although some surgeons say it is necessary when they are connected, like performing a boob job along with LASIK surgery for when their new size DD breast implants keep poking them in the eye.

A study says sunburn related ER visits cost more than $11 Million a year. Which means the patients get burned twice, once by the Sun and the second time when they get their hospital bill.

The Pantone Color Institute says the Color of the Year is “greenery,” a yellow and green tint. Mostly because it is exactly the shade most Democrats turned when they realized that Donald Trump was going to win the presidential election.

Candace Cameron Bure says she is leaving “The View.” The show is already looking to replace her spot on the program, which will be advertised as “one of three women who gets to sit there and listen to Joy and Whoopi talk for an hour.”

Candace Cameron Bure says she is leaving “The View.” There have been so many recent cast replacements, the people on the show refer to “the view” as the backside of the latest host walking out the door for the last time.

The NHL’s Las Vegas team was denied a trademark as their chosen nickname of the Golden Knights was already taken by the College of Saint Rose in New York. There are still the alternative names more associated with Las Vegas, such as the “Lost Weekends,” the “I’ll Win It All Back” and the “You’re Not A Woman?”

Utah’s Mitch Wishnowsky has won the Ray Guy Award for the nation’s best punter. Which ironically usually goes to someone who gets a lot of playing time because they are on the nation’s worst team.

Gamer PewDiePie says he will delete his Youtube channel as promised now that he has reached 50 Million subscribers. Which is sad, mostly knowing there are 50 Million people out there with nothing better to do than sit in front of the computer watching someone else playing video games.

The Department of Transportation says airlines should notify passengers if they allow cellphone calls during flights. Mostly for people flying United who can call to book different flights ahead of the inevitable delays and cancellations.

The Department of Transportation says airlines should notify passengers if they allow cellphone calls during flights. Mostly for people who can ask for a new seat assignment that puts them next to the screaming baby which is less annoying than someone spending the entire flight on the phone arguing with her home decorator.

 A new concept car from Honda detects human emotions and will have emotions of its own. Which is good news for someone who can’t take their hands away from texting and instead has the car flip off the driver in the next lane.

Uber has released guidelines as to how a passenger can be banned from the service. Which customers will want to read so they can avoid being banned from Uber and have to face up to reaching their lifetime low point.

Uber has released guidelines as to how a passenger can be banned from the service. The good news about being banned as a passenger with Uber is that it requires exactly the same behavior that is necessary to qualify to be an Uber driver.

The amount of wind generated electricity in the U.S. reached a record high last year. Mostly for all the power needed to run the air conditioners to offset all the hot air coming from the presidential candidates.

New Audis will reportedly be able to “talk” to traffic lights which will inform them when the lights will change from red to green. Which in New York City usually happens ten seconds after the car behind them starts honking.

Donald Trump spotlighted his economic goals, telling people to “Buy American, hire American.” Like the people who buy American made Chryslers and have to hire an American made tow truck to get them to the repair shop.

Donald Trump will reportedly stay on as executive producer of the latest version of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Which to people in Washington, D.C. is now pretty much known as the Cabinet selection process.

A report says Donald Trump moving into the White House will be a boon to the hotel industry. Mostly from the anticipation that people will be moving back into hotels once Trump allows banks to start issuing subprime loans again.

Boeing has pledged $1 Million to pay for events at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Which means any day Trump will send out a tweet saying “Boeing’s fee of $4 Billion for Air Force One is fair and will be terrific and super-classy.”

Joe Biden says he was “embarrassed” by the ugliness of the 2016 presidential campaign. People were surprised at the news. They had no idea that anything could embarrass Joe Biden.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news for all Americans in general and also from the world of music. Astronaut John Glenn has died at age 95. If there was ever a true hero, it was Glenn. He literally rode a Roman candle into space with no guarantees of coming back. From fighter pilot to astronaut to U.S. Senator he lived a life that had many elements of which each were enviable. Not only that, he was married for 73 years to his childhood sweetheart. Once in awhile someone comes along who just can’t do anything wrong. As opposed to the rest of us who have trouble doing anything right. We have the wrong stuff. In the world of music, Greg Lake from Emerson, Lake and Palmer and King Crimson, one of the originators of progressive rock has died at age 69. Band mate Keith Emerson died earlier this year. Could 2016 be any worse? And that isn’t even including the you-know-what back in November. The good news is that I can always make it by just as long as all of you remember to keep on always sending the love!



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