Thursday, December 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” The reaction of most people across the country was to wonder if even Time could be the victim of fake news.

Donald Trump has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” To which Trump immediately sent out a tweet asking why it hasn’t happened every year since 1974?

Pope Francis I has warned the media over the “sin” of spreading false news. Apparently he believes all tall tales should be confined to where they belong. In the Bible.

Pope Francis I has warned the media over the “sin” of spreading false news. That’s the job of each separate diocese when it comes to addressing accusations of sexual misconduct against all their priests.

Pope Francis I has warned the media over the “sin” of spreading false news. To which he gave Matt Drudge a penance of three Our Fathers and five Hail Marys.

Researchers say Virtual Reality will cause hallucinations that will alter perceived reality. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise as isn’t that sort of the literal definition of “virtual reality”?

Paris is choking on the worst air pollution in a decade. It is getting so bad that the smog is actually masking the odor of the Parisians who haven’t bathed in about the same length of time.

United Airlines is getting ready to charge some passengers for using overhead storage bins. What’s next, coin-operated masks for when the plane loses cabin pressure?

The world’s fattest woman who weighs more than 1,000 pounds was able to leave her home in Egypt for the first time to travel to India. Which apparently is the location of the nearest McDonald’s.

Denzel Washington blasted the media for selling “BS.” People agree, especially when they think back to the positive reviews that got them to fork over $8 to see “The Pelican Brief.”

Outgoing California Senator Barbara Boxer defended politics as a “noble profession.” Mostly ever since all the members of Congress began considering themselves noblemen.

A high ranking congressman says Donald Trump won’t push to regulate digital encryption. Trump doesn’t want to take the chance that scrambling the words could make it so people won’t be able to read the latest rants he is posting on Twitter.

Venezuela has introduced six new currency bills to keep up with the country’s runaway inflation as the highest denomination is now worth about two cents. Which would be good here for the people who would finally be able to say they have a $20 bill in their wallet.

Donald Trump has chosen climate denier Scott Pruitt to head the EPA. Putting a fossil fuels supporter in charge of the environment makes about as much as sense as if he had picked Sarah Palin as the Secretary of Education.

A report says climate change could render the Sudan “uninhabitable.” To which many researchers are saying “Too late.”

Several students in Chicago were sickened when they ate what was believed to be marijuana-laced gummy bears. Not from the pot or the gummy bears, but from going out and consuming three entire pizzas each after getting the munchies.

Several students in Chicago were sickened when they ate what was believed to be marijuana-laced gummy bears. A student was arrested for distributing a toxic substance. He will be charged with knowingly bringing those sugar filled gummy bears on campus.

A study says Pokemon Go does get people moving for some exercise. To which most people under 30 are saying “Pokemon Go? That is so 2015.”

Wells Fargo is reportedly set to fail a bank regulatory test. Mostly because bank executives obviously had no idea there are such things as banking regulations.

Wells Fargo is reportedly set to fail a bank regulatory test. Which brings up the question how hard could those tests be for a bank that set up millions of phony accounts, sold countless bad mortgages and helped create the economic collapse?

Donald Trump’s pick for Secretary of Transportation, Elaine Chao reportedly made $1.2 million while overseeing Wells Fargo while the bank created millions of fake accounts. She claims to be qualified to head up transportation as she took the payouts through the bank’s drive-thru ATMs.

Congress has reaffirmed people’s right to post negative reviews about products or services online. Which is ironic as Americans reserve most their negative comments about how bad of a job Congress is doing.

A study says that optimism may help people live longer. Which is good news for the people who don’t believe all those reports that sitting on the couch while playing video games and eating pizza all day isn’t really that bad for their health.

A study says that optimism may help people live longer. To which people who look at the economy, the government and the environment say “Well it was worth a try.”

A study says baby teethers may contain harmful chemicals. Which any parent will tell you can’t be anything close to the toxic waste they have to deal with at the other end when they change a diaper.

A North Carolina woman says her son was fat shamed by Santa Claus at a mall. Apparently Santa was a little concerned he would come down the chimney at the boy’s house and already be beaten to the milk and cookies.

A survey says more Americans say cost is the most urgent health care concern over access. To which anyone who is familiar with the health care system in this country says anymore they are pretty much the same thing.

A study says excessive sweat can cause anxiety and depression. And anyone who suffers from anxiety and depression say and vice versa.

A study says excessive sweat can cause anxiety and depression. Especially anyone wearing a cashmere pullover who knows that if those sweat stains don’t come out they just wasted $500.

A report says dozens of members of Congress met with religious right pastors to chase Satan out of power at the Capitol. After which the ministers looked around, and still seeing the congressmen there said “Well, that didn’t work.”

A study says Americans 65 and older have doubled their pot use in the past few years. Mostly because marijuana helped them get through the ‘60s so why not use it to get through their 60s?

A study says Americans are more likely to skip dental care because of the cost than any other health care. Mostly because they know they won’t have any reason to smile once they see how long it will take to pay off their dentist’s bill.

Researchers say the original Paleo diet consisted of acorns, clover and grass seed. Which is still available for anyone who doesn’t mind paying $40 for lunch at a Beverly Hills bistro.

The Kardashian sisters are reportedly objecting to Blac Chyna’s application for a trademark for her married name of Angela Renee Kardashian, claiming it could damage their brand. Which could open up a lawsuit for exactly the same reason against the entire family from anyone else in the world named Kardashian.

Michael Moore is calling for protesters to disrupt Donald Trump’s inauguration. What he isn’t taking into account is that if anyone disrupts the proceedings at the inauguration, it will be Donald Trump.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly going to file for divorce from Kanye West “when the time is right.” The good news for Kanye is that at least he beat her old mark when he made it beyond the 72 days she stayed with Kris Humphries.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly going to file for divorce from Kanye West “when the time is right.” Which means after she has gotten the most mileage from the announcement before it is more profitable to start looking for husband number four.

A report says 29% of smartwatch buyers have stopped using them. Especially the people who mistakenly thought that one of the functions would be telling them the correct time.

NASA is reportedly building a $127 space mechanic robot to repair satellites in orbit. Which Donald Trump is already protesting as taking away a job from an American and giving it to a robot that will be outsourced into outer space.

A report says U.S. and British spy agencies are watching what people are doing with their smartphones on planes. Which is pretty boring until they find the one person who hasn’t just put their phone on airplane mode and stuck it in their pocket.

A report says U.S. and British spy agencies are watching what people are doing with their smartphones on planes. Which was a lot more exciting before the FAA stopped letting people take their exploding Samsung phones with them on flights.

A report says U.S. and British spy agencies are watching what people are doing with their smartphones on planes. Which for people flying United is mostly using their apps to reroute their trip based on the latest delays, cancellations and breakdowns.

The House has approved a bill to create special coins commemorating the 50th anniversary of the Moon landing in 2019. Which considering it is the Moon, the currency will consist of a first and third quarter.

The House has approved a bill to create special coins commemorating the 50th anniversary of the Moon landing in 2019. So far the overwhelming choice to pay tribute to the Moon on the coin will be the backside of Kim Kardashian.

June 30th has been designated by the United Nations as International Asteroid Day. Although apparently someone was confused after reading the UN release because the official sponsor that was picked is Preparation H.

A report says Donald Trump wants to keep a stake in his business while serving as President. Mostly because he sees a great opportunity to invade France so that he can then put a claim on and make it part of his real estate holdings.

Joe Biden says he will not be running for President in 2020. Which is a relief to reporters, as even though Donald Trump hates the media at least he keeps his rants down to 140 characters.

Joe Biden says he will not be running for President in 2020. Mostly because by then he will be 78 years old and doesn’t think he will have the stamina to give a speech that lasts more than three or four hours.

Former Speaker John Boehner says that Donald Trump reminds him of Teddy Roosevelt. Mostly because he is intent on sending this country back to somewhere around 1901.

Donald Trump has picked wrestling executive Linda McMahon to head the Small Business Administration. The bad part will be when any small business loan applicants will only qualify after getting out of a figure four leg lock.

Donald Trump has picked wrestling executive Linda McMahon to head the Small Business Administration. Which is ironic as the wrestler most identified with the way Trump has run his own businesses is The Undertaker.

A new poll has put Donald Trump’s popularity rating at 50%. Which is good news for him as it shows he is already getting more people behind him than he had on Election Day.

A survey says that fewer Americans see Japan as an economic threat. Mostly because our economy has gotten so bad that they are more worried about being caught by Ethiopia, Bulgaria and Guatemala.

A survey says that fewer Americans see Japan as an economic threat. Mostly because looking at corporate America, Congress and Donald Trump they figure the biggest threat to our economy is right here at home.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another 23 days left in 2016. Is there some way we can speed that up by about half? Rough year for a lot of people. Since we are coming up on the start of a new year, I want to put some new life into my attempts at getting 7 Billion daily readers for this site. I have to say I am more than a little disappointed in your efforts to help out. Remember, if you tell two people tomorrow about the site, and they tell two people, in less than a month we could get there. So I need you all to start doing that. Thanks. In the meantime, I am always at least happy when you all take the time to remember to keep on always sending the love!



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