Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The GOP says it is getting ready to cut the government workforce under Donald Trump. All except the department that will be working double overtime shifts dealing with the crisis backlash from all of Trumps posts on Twitter.

Donald Trump has criticized Boeing for being “out of control” on costs of building new Air Force One jets. With his anger over the expense, and dislike of traveling with a press crew, that means he could be traveling while President on Cessna One.

A new dating app sets up air travelers for mile high hookups while traveling. Although it’s not like anyone is going to impress any potential future mates while only forking out for a ticket on basic economy with United.

A new dating app sets up air travelers for mile high hookups while traveling. How ironic is it that it took so long to go on an airplane and finally not have to bring along your own wing man?

A new dating app sets up air travelers for mile high hookups while traveling. Now every seat on the airplane is potentially located in the “tail” section.

A survey says that older Americans are happiest in Hawaii. Not because they particularly like Hawaii, but that they know they can afford to live there.

A survey says that older Americans are happiest in Hawaii. Especially the ones who have moved there after spending their previous years in just about any other state.

A report says hunger is becoming a problem on many college campuses. Most the students who figure if they don’t spend any money on food, they will have saved enough to make it so paying off their tuition loans will only take another 30 years.

A report says hunger is becoming a problem on many college campuses. Mostly the ones who when budgeting for football tickets, food and alcohol find they only have enough money to pay for two of those.

Egypt has broken up a ring trafficking organs for transplants. The worst part was the patient who received a new kidney only to find out the original donor was King Tut.

A police officer in Iowa will not be charged in a case where he shot a man who is now paralyzed. Mostly because right before he shot he yelled “Freeze!”

New York City says the presence of the United Nations generates $3.69 Billion for the local economy. Mostly from the cost for all the additional security from the risk of terrorism because of the inability for the U.N. to get anything done.

Donald Trump says he sold all his stocks in June. Mostly so he doesn’t get wiped out when he becomes President and his policies cause all the world markets to crash.

Apple will pay a $450,000 fine over hazardous waste violations. The only question is how much Samsung will eventually have to pay for the waste of what is left over from everything that was destroyed when their Galaxy Note 7 phones exploded.

Sears has lost several top executives right in the middle of the crucial holiday season. Mostly because they were tired of their official job description including cleaning out dressing rooms and refolding sale clothing items.

The CEO of AT&T says the number of hours people watch video will increase from five to nine hours a day. Especially the people with AT&T Wi-Fi who will find it takes that long just to download a single half hour episode of a show on Netflix.

The CEO of AT&T says the number of hours people watch video will increase from five to nine hours a day. Mostly for the people who need to kill that much time waiting for one of their calls on AT&T to actually go through.

Sea World is laying off 350 workers as profits continue to drop. The saddest part is seeing Shamu staking out a place by a freeway onramp with a sign saying “Will work for fish.”

GM says its new nine-speed transmission will save 2% on gasoline. Mostly because eight of the speeds are either “park” or “neutral.”

GM says its new nine-speed transmission will save 2% on gasoline. Especially when the car is not using any gas at all while being towed back to the dealer for the latest recall.

Pork giant Smithfield Foods pledges to cut its greenhouse gasses by 25% in the next nine years. Although if people want less gas in the environment, they can start by cutting back on the amount of pork they eat every day.

IKEA is offering four months of parental leave to all their employees. Mostly because that is how long it will take them to figure out how to put together the nursery furniture they bought from IKEA.

The CDC says the number of smokers in the U.S. is down to 40 Million, the lowest in 50 years. The decrease is credited to better education, high cigarette taxes and that most the people who started smoking in the past five decades are now dead.

A study says menopause is tied to a faster decline in women’s lung function. Mostly from constantly screaming at their husbands to “Turn up the AC, it’s boiling in here!”

Phillip Morris is seeking U.S. approval to market an alternative cigarette. Which is a little late, especially for the cities and states that are already doing it for them by legalizing pot.

Phillip Morris is seeking U.S. approval to market an alternative cigarette that heats and not burns tobacco for fewer health risks. It’s for people who are afraid of lung cancer but don’t mind dying a little slower from pneumonia or emphysema.

A survey says that doctors are still overprescribing drugs. Mostly the ones who are prohibited from investing in pharmaceutical companies but can still put their money into rehab centers.

A survey says that most parents are glued to a screen for 9 hours a day. Mostly looking at their smartphones while trying without any luck to call or text their kids.

A survey says that most parents are glued to a screen for 9 hours a day. Mostly going online to check their kids’ accounts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to see what trouble they are getting into.

A study says 27% of medical school students are depressed. Mostly at the prospect of spending eight years in college and another 40 years paying off tuition bills to then live another ten years like a college student again to save enough to retire.

A study says 27% of medical school students are depressed. The other 73% just know they have a few more years before they can prescribe themselves anything they want to put them back into a good mood again.

A study says bikini waxing is tied to higher STDs. Especially for the women who risk picking up an STD along with several other possible infections when they go to get their bikini waxing done at the same place that offers piercings and tattoos.

A study says bikini waxing is tied to higher STDs. Especially for the men who go out with women who like to wax because they are tired of having to keep dealing with a semi-permanent case of the crabs.

A study says smartphone health apps often miss real medical emergencies. Which are mostly a result of people looking never getting off the couch because they are checking out their health apps all day.

A study says smartphone health apps often miss real medical emergencies. Apparently the app designers say that is what the “9-1-1” buttons are there for.

A study says smartphone health apps often miss real medical emergencies. Especially the ones caused by people looking at their health apps while they are driving right before they steer their car into a tree.

A study says driving while drowsy can be more dangerous than driving while drunk. Mostly because it is so much easier to text behind the wheel after having a few drinks than when you are too tired to focus on the keyboard.

A study says half of all teenagers think they are addicted to their cellphone. The other half couldn’t put the phone down for the necessary two and a half minutes needed to look away from Facebook and Twitter to take the survey.

A study says half of all teenagers think they are addicted to their cellphone. The other half say they still leave plenty of time during the day to put the phone down and instead use their iPad, laptop and home computer.

A study says many kids’ headphones carry the risk of hearing loss. Which is good news for parents who would rather have their kids go deaf than listen to any more Kanye West, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj.

A study says many kids’ headphones carry the risk of hearing loss. Mostly because parents today are afraid to point that out to their children at the risk of finally sounding like their own parents.

A study says selfless people who care about others have the best chance of attracting sex partners. So after all these years it has finally been proven that the best pickup line really is “Can I buy you a drink?”

A study says that exercise can lead to a higher sperm count. Which makes absolutely no difference to the people whose only exercise is done with the one hand not on the keyboard.

Naomi Judd says she has battled severe depression for years. Which is nothing like what her daughter Wynonna has gone through her entire life having every guy she meets say “Your mom is SO hot!”

Former “American Idol” runner up Justin Guarini has landed a role in the Broadway production “In Transit.” Which isn’t so much the name of the play as his description as the theater’s parking valet.

The Chicago Cubs will pick up a $369,000 individual share for winning the World Series. Which is exactly the same amount that would have been generated by now putting $2 in a mutual index fund the last time the Cubs won the ‘Series in 1908.

Donald Trump will attend the annual Army-Navy football game this weekend. Apparently he is more of a fan of Army since during the Vietnam war they gave him five draft deferments compared to the Navy only giving him four.

Researchers say that they have successfully allowed humans to play a video game with signals sent directly into their brain. Which means one day gamers will be able to play all day while still having both hands free to simultaneously shove pizza slices down their throat.

Google says it will run entirely on renewable energy by next year. Workers will be 100% renewable once they can convince the same commitment to going green from the companies that make Dockers pants, Polo shirts and Hush Puppies shoes.

A report from IBM says that Thanksgiving Day is becoming much more popular as a day to do holiday shopping. Mostly for the people who find it a convenient excuse to fill up on turkey and leave the family gathering before the fistfights break out.

Western Digital will offer a 14 terabyte hard drive next year. Which is good news for Kim Kardashian who will finally be able to have a computer to store a selfie that contains her entire backside.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has the lowest rating of any governor in the past 20 years. Which is ironic in that there are governors who are still more popular after burning all their bridges than he is for just shutting one down.

Vice President-elect Mike Pence says Donald Trump has a mandate to govern. Imagine how much he would feel the people are completely behind him if he ended up with a majority of them who actually decided to vote for him.

The Supreme Court ruled Samsung may not have to pay $399 Million for copying the look of the Apple iPhone. Mostly because it is still very easy to tell them apart once the Galaxy Note 7 phone blows up into a thousand pieces.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only 18 more shopping days until Christmas. Which makes you wonder about the sincerity of people celebrating a religious holiday which is always preceded by how many shopping days there are until its arrival. If you want to give me the best Christmas gift, you won’t find it in any retail outlet. Just make sure to remember to always keep sending the love!

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