Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A website that was labeled as “fake news’ is suing the Washington Post. The worst part is that the Post got the tip about the story from Janet Cooke.

A study says eating nuts every day can make for a longer life. Although that is something to question the next time you see a squirrel flattened out on the roadway.

A woman delivered a baby on a Southwest flight to Orlando. The problem when that happens on United is by the time the plane lands the child is more than two years old and the parents have to buy the baby its own seat.

Prosecutors say a truck stop chiropractor falsified health exams. The question is how did they ever even suspect something wrong with health exams performed by a chiropractor working out of a truck stop?

The group American Atheists is urging people to “Make Christmas great again” by skipping church. Mostly just for the time they will save in skipping confession to admit all the sins they committed just while shopping on Black Friday.

Cereal maker General Mills says it will cut up to 600 jobs. Which will mean 599 pink slips and one stake through the heart of Count Chocula.

Cereal maker General Mills says it will cut up to 600 jobs. The sad part is Lucky the Leprechaun will have to find a way to pay for his diabetes treatment from eating seven bowls of a marshmallow and sugar-filled cereal every day.

New York City is requesting $35 Million from the federal government for security for Donald Trump. To which the government says they can cut the need for security by 90% by just keeping Trump away from his Twitter account for a few days.

A Chicago food truck owner has lost a four year fight over rules for mobile vendors. People were surprised. There are rules for food trucks?

A Chicago food truck owner has lost a four year fight over rules for mobile vendors. The good news is that the four year old food sitting in her truck is still more fresh than most the other food trucks out on the streets.

Marijuana industry entrepreneurs want Donald Trump to see them as job creators. Which he will as soon as he is given information about how many jobs they are responsible for, not with marijuana but with all the new pizzerias that have sprung up around the dispensaries.

The Pentagon says Russia is America’s “number one threat” as Vladimir Putin is presiding over frenzied defense spending. Although Putin claims the arms buildup is just a result of some great deals offered by defense contractors over the Black Friday weekend.

Doyle Owens, founder of the unclaimed baggage store has died at age 85. His funeral will be scheduled just as soon as the medical examiner can find where they left his body bag.

A report says fake news may have influenced Italy’s election. Which will be investigated just as soon as authorities are able to verify the authenticity of the report.

A report says the overload of deals on the Internet is making for the comeback of travel agents. Especially for people flying on United who need an itinerary along with a backup alternate Plan B, C and D just in case.

Under Armor has signed a deal to make Major League Baseball uniforms that will sport their logo by 2020. The one exception will be the uniform of Bartolo Colon who has his own deal to wear the logos of McDonald’s, Burger King and Pizza Hut.

U.S. consumer average daily spending in November rose to $98 a day. The increase was attributed to the extra money spent by most households for the injuries and bail expenses incurred during Black Friday shopping.

U.S. consumer average daily spending in November rose to $98 a day. Which is great news for the economy other than the fact their average income is still $57 a day.

A study says even one cigarette a day can increase the odds of an early death. Especially when that cigarette is smoked after having sex with the wife of a jealous husband.

A study says even one cigarette a day can increase the odds of an early death. Which means if that’s the case why not just go ahead and finish off the rest of the pack?

A woman in India had 12,000 stones removed from his gall bladder. After which the team of surgeons advised the patient “Hey, next time go a little easy on the chutney.”

A report says the rising price of drugs for sexual problems is putting sex out of reach for some couples. To which older couples are remembering when the price of sex was just the cost of dinner and a movie.

A report says the rising price of drugs for sexual problems is putting sex out of reach for some couples. The most popular sex drugs are Viagra and Cialis, unless you are Bill Cosby in which case it is still Quaaludes.

A study says football positions are linked to the risk of high blood pressure and heart abnormalities. Especially when playing center and wondering why the quarterback keeps putting his hands on your backside on every play.

The CDC says they have missed their goals when it comes to cutting back on obesity, food poisoning and infections. Although they say that reports on all three tend to cut back every time they close down a different Chipotle restaurant.

An Oklahoma company is recalling 2 Million pounds of ready to eat chicken that was undercooked. It will be repackaged and sold next time as “almost ready to eat.”

An Oklahoma company is recalling 2 Million pounds of ready to eat chicken that was undercooked. Next time they will label it as “ready-to-eat-and-go-to-the-ER.”

A study says open office plans are less productive for workers because of increased noise. Mostly as it makes it very hard to post on Facebook while trying to eavesdrop on someone who is two desks across the room.

Researchers say they have created an artificial red blood cell. Apparently the trick to replicating it was making it out of the same elements contained in most people’s blood supply, meaning a combination of fat, salt and sugar.

A study says the richest Americans live 7 to 10 years longer than the poorest. To which most millionaires are upset, saying “Do you mean I went to college and worked all those years behind a desk making a fortune and a lousy extra 10 years is all I get?”

A study says the richest Americans live 7 to 10 years longer than the poorest. Mostly because the richest people have a crack legal team that gives them those extra years by keeping them out of prison for how they made their money.

Justin Bieber says he will go on his first ever North American stadium tour next summer. Apparently it will start out by going to a Yankees game, then over to watch the Red Sox play at Fenway and the Cubs at Wrigley Field.

A full length trailer has been released of “The Mummy” starring Tom Cruise. Although some critics are saying they probably should have cut the scene where Cruise declares his love for his costar while jumping up and down on a sarcophagus.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson got into a Twitter battle with Klansman David Duke over Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. How bad has it gotten when the real news is less believable than all the fake news going around?

“Dancing With The Stars” performers Maksim Chemrkovskiy and his pregnant partner Peta Murgatroyd were reportedly kicked out of their first Lamaze class. Apparently the instructors were worried the baby would be born before they were able to correctly write down the names of the parents.

Bud Selig talked about being commissioner of baseball during the steroid era, saying he didn’t know what else he could have done. Apparently he means the part where he looked away and pretended nothing was going on the first fifteen years or so.

Bud Selig talked about being commissioner of baseball during the steroid era, saying he didn’t know what else he could have done. Fans are more interested in what drugs he was taking when he let the 1994 season end without a World Series.

Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson says “not everybody played hard” against the Cincinnati Bengals last Sunday. To which his team members all say since it was the Bengals, they didn’t think they were supposed to play hard.

Former FIFA President Sepp Blatter has lost his appeal of a six year ban from the sport after being convicted of corruption. The worst part is the judges gave their decision by saying “Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

 A report says Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube are teaming up to curb terrorist content. Mostly by trying to find a way to keep Donald Trump away from his smartphone when he is in a bad mood.

Researchers in Egypt have found what they believe are the knees of Queen Nefertari. Apparently they were right next to an inscription that reads “I shaved my legs for this?”

Researchers in Egypt have found what they believe are the knees of Queen Nefertari. Since the mummy’s chest area was missing they knew it couldn’t be Queen Nefertiti. (Yes, immature, juvenile but worth a laugh…)

A world’s record was set when 72,000 candles were placed on the same cake. The achievement was then celebrated with everyone on hand singing “Happy Birthday” to Larry King.

Uber says it will create an AI lab to match riders with cars and set up routes. Which pretty much means having all the drivers in any city show up around the local bars around 2:00 in the morning.

Queen Victoria’s bloomers are up for auction in the UK. The undergarments are valuable as they remind subjects there was a time when Royals valued their privacy and modesty in the days before it became common to see topless pictures of Kate Middleton and naked photos of Prince Harry online.

Satellite photos show the Great Salt Lake in Utah is shrinking in size. Experts say it is a result of over irrigation and drought rather than the usual cause of shrinkage being blamed on the water being too cold.

A report says former Senator Bob Dole organized the call to Donald Trump from the President of Taiwan. Mostly so they can blame the misstep on a 93 year old dialing the wrong number while trying to order some takeout from a Taiwanese restaurant.

A secret Pentagon study reportedly found $125 Billion in wasted spending. Mostly the $125 Billion that was spent on hiring the team of researchers to conduct the study.

A secret Pentagon study reportedly found $125 Billion in wasted spending. Which was a relief as it was much less than the $1 Trillion that was wasted fighting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

A secret Pentagon study reportedly found $125 Billion in wasted spending. The worst part is that the study found the best bargain the military ever negotiated is actually those $600 toilet seats and $400 hammers.

Jeb Bush has joined a law firm in Florida as a political adviser. Although it might not be such a good idea to take political advice from someone who was given $150 Million to run for President and ended up with three convention delegates.

Joe Biden says about 2020 that he is “not committed not to run.” Which means he must be considering it as that sentence actually makes more sense and is easier to understand than anything else he has said in the past eight years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to give a shout out to my NFL team, the Oakland Raiders. The team’s record is now 10-2. Ten wins lately was considered to be a pretty good decade. With only four weeks to go, they actually have a chance to win the division. It would be nice as a Raiders fan to be able to see them get into the January playoffs instead of spending October and beyond thinking about what position they will have in the draft. Now if there was just a way to keep the team in Oakland. The ‘Vegas Raiders? I don’t think so. Seeing the Raiders put some wins on the board makes me almost as happy as when all of you remember to keep on always sending the love!



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