Sunday, December 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

MIT researchers have developed a computer that can predict the immediate future by examining a photograph. Mostly by looking at a selfie taking by someone while driving and prognosticating the car will soon be colliding head on with a tree.

The Saudi national bank system was reportedly damaged by malware from Iran. Although the software was not very sophisticated as anyone trying to access an account found their computer taken over by a game of Pong.

A Manhattan man who lost his vision nearly 20 years ago has remarkably regained his sight. His first words after being able to see again were “So that’s where I put my glasses.”

Eight people were injured when a bus carrying cheerleaders crashed in Texas. The passengers were able to help rescuers by yelling out “2,4,6,8…who do we evacuate?”

Eight people were injured when a bus carrying cheerleaders crashed into a truck in Texas. Passengers described what it was like to hit the truck, saying “It pushed us back, pushed us back, waaaay back!”

A panel has made 16 urgent recommendations to Donald Trump on how to improve the nation’s cybersecurity. 15 of them had to do with not letting other countries see what he is posting on Twitter.

Golden State Warriors Coach Steve Kerr says he has been smoking marijuana to treat his back pain. He is the first coach to show his players how to avoid bricks while he tries to score one.

Rolling Stones keyboardist Chuck Leavell gave an interview where he says he is worried about the effects of climate change. Especially after he hears stories from Keith Richards about how different the weather was back in the Mesozoic Era.

A startup has developed an algorithm that can reportedly predict who will die in the next year. Mostly the people who haven’t yet traded in their old Samsung Galaxy Note 7 exploding phone.

A startup has developed an algorithm that can reportedly predict who will die in the next year. Which is pretty easy if you start off with the top three people on the “oldest in the world” list.

A survey says Elon Musk is the most admired leader in the tech industry. Mostly because he is the only person in Silicon Valley who actually sports a normal looking haircut.

A survey says that 5% of people still consider Steve Jobs the most admired leader in the tech industry. How bad is that for Bill Gates to come in behind someone who has been dead for five years?

Supersonic passenger planes are set to being testing next year. Which is great for people flying out of JFK who will be able to get to Europe in just an hour, not including the combined seven hours they were stuck in traffic going to the airport and sitting on the tarmac waiting for takeoff.

Sarah Palin says Donald Trump’s deal with Carrier to keep jobs in the U.S. is “crony capitalism.” Apparently she feels individual deals with companies is not as smart as policy changes to create employment, like starting three more unnecessary wars.

A study says the gifts from “The 12 Days of Christmas” would cost $34,363. Although that doesn’t take into account the farm subsidies that would be made eligible with the purchase of eight maids a-milking.

A study says the gifts from “The 12 Days of Christmas” would cost $34,363. Although most of that would be the medical bills from the injuries suffered in Black Friday riots while trying to get out the door with the ten lords a-leaping.

The CEO of Ford says the company is planning to move their small car output to Mexico. Which is still a victory for Donald Trump as small cars will only be able to sneak two or three people in the trunk when they are driven back across the border.

Domino’s in Japan is giving up on the idea of delivering pizza with reindeer. Mostly because people were finding that pizza was not the only kind of pie being left on their doorstep.

Domino’s in Japan is giving up on the idea of delivering pizza with reindeer. Mostly because the fat man in the red suit that was in charge of the reindeer kept insisting on bringing the pizzas into the house through the chimney.

The GOP is reportedly planning on repealing Obamacare immediately, then delaying the action for several years. They are also planning to immediately claim the national debt balanced, no more unemployment and the immigration issue solved effective in 2052.

A report says older Americans are still skipping their vaccinations. In fact, it was recently discovered a pair of octogenarians had just recently been diagnosed with a case of the cooties.

A study says 24 hour work shifts can be bad for the heart. Which is bad news for the six year olds just starting out at Nike who are finding out they may have trouble making it through their 20s.

A study says 24 hour work shifts can be bad for the heart. Although the study didn’t address what happens to the people who are trying to make ends meet working four six hour shifts at all their part time jobs.

A report says doctors are rethinking their advice for people who are sick to drink plenty of fluids. Especially those people who became ill in the first place drinking from the public water supply in Flint, Michigan.

Some flavored varieties of Trader Joe’s flavored hummus have been recalled because of possible listeria. Which is too bad because the listeria-flavored hummus was one of the favorites, but will still be available in E.coli, salmonella and botulism.

A study says two of three depressed teenagers benefit from therapy. The other one just continues being a teenager.

Experts say that bullying has become a public health problem. Which made it very difficult for the experts to announce while they were adjusting their pants to ease the effects of the wedgie they just received from their patients.

Experts say that bullying has become a public health problem. Although it will actually affect more Americans now that it has also become our new foreign policy strategy.

Former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli told Australian students who reproduced the drug he was charging patients $750 a pill for just a few dollars that in the 21st century, science and technology will solve our problems. Although what will make people feel even better is when Shkreli is eventually sent to prison.

A study says that boys who sit still have a harder time learning to read. Which is bad news for the parents of both of those young boys.

A study says that boys who sit still have a harder time learning to read. Mostly because they are easier targets to hit for the other boys who are throwing paper wads, pencils and books across the classroom.

Mandy Moore says therapy helped her through her divorce from Ryan Adams. That and knowing that it could have been a lot worse if she had gone ahead and married her old boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama.

Amanda Seyfried claims she can “smell the TV” while pregnant. Which a lot of people have been saying for years in any condition they were in while watching “The Kardashians.”

Madonna told fans at a performance that she hasn’t had sex in a long time. Which back in 1985, a long time for her was between costume changes during a concert.

Madonna told fans at a performance that she hasn’t had sex in a long time. Which is interesting as back in the 1980s a concert for her was pretty much one long simulation of having sex.

A Virginia school district has banned “To Kill A Mockingbird” and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” after a parent complained about racial slurs. Also because neither book has been checked out by a student to actually read since 1993.

A Virginia school district has banned “To Kill A Mockingbird” and “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” after a parent complained about racial slurs. Not only that, but “The Three Musketeers” may be also be banned because it promotes eating a fat and saturated candy bar.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has vowed to protect artistic freedom in his country. Which means anyone has the freedom to paint pictures of him either with or without him wearing a shirt.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. says he is ready to get back into racing and to get married. His car is pretty recognizable as the only one on the NASCAR track that is pulling along a string of tin cans.

39% of Americans say they would give up sex if they could be assured of cybersecurity. Which is ironic since they haven’t had sex ever since they started sitting in front of their computer screen for 18 hours a day.

39% of Americans say they would give up sex if they could be assured of cybersecurity. Mostly because they figure who needs to have sex with another person as long as they have safe access to watching Internet porn.

Microsoft’s “holoportation” allows the user to see, hear and interact with others remotely as if they were in the same room. Which means they have finally invented the perfect way for people to actually be able to enjoy having Thanksgiving with the rest of the family.

Microsoft’s “holoportation” allows the user to see, hear and interact with others remotely as if they were in the same room. Which means people can stay on their own couch while having the sensation they would have visiting friends and relatives and sitting on someone else’s couch.

Mark Wahlberg says celebrities should shut up about politics. Apparently most Americans don’t agree with him since they just elected one to be President.

A picture shows that Donald Trump uses Scotch tape to hold his tie together. Which is exactly the same strategy he has for the economy, foreign affairs and his relationship with Congress.

A report says New York City officials have intentionally ground traffic to a halt to make drivers so miserable they take public transportation and ride bikes. Which means after fifty years of failure, it might finally be time to try Plan “B.”

A report says New York City officials have intentionally ground traffic to a halt to make drivers so miserable they take public transportation and ride bikes. Which after not working all these years you would think Chris Christie could have found another idea to try besides “Bridgegate.”

A report says Anthony Weiner is so broke, he can’t afford sex addiction rehab. Apparently it’s hard for him to find work, not because he doesn’t have an impressive resume but because of what he is sending with his follow up texts.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a good weekend. I want to thank all of your for checking out the blog and playing the daily game of “find the funny joke.” I know it might take a while but I’m sure it is worth the effort once you locate the winner. I just want you all to know that I get exactly the same sensation when you all remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!


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