Friday, December 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Malaysian man is seeking a refund after a failed exorcism. Apparently during the ceremony his head spun around only three times and he didn’t even throw up any green slime.

A DJ in Ohio was sentenced to four years in prison after beating a bar customer to death. The DJ claims it was a result of his dyslexia after the man handed him a note saying “I would like something upbeat.”

Scientists are reportedly on the brink of bringing back some extinct species. Which is finally some good news for the Democratic Party.

A heat activated penile implant might restore sexual function in men with E.D. Which will finally allow middle aged men who grew up in the ‘70s to go around bragging about finally having their own “heat seeking moisture missile.”

A study says kids who spend only one hour a day on social media are less content. Mostly because it means they will spend the other 23 hours each day being completely unable to communicate or stay in contact with anyone else under 30.

A study says kids who spend only one hour a day on social media are less content. Mostly because it means that in order to communicate with anyone else the rest of the day they will actually have to attempt to physically talk to another person.

A Wisconsin agency has scrubbed their website to remove any language about climate change. Mostly because if there is any place in the world that is completely removed from the idea of global warming, it is Wisconsin.

A Wisconsin agency has scrubbed their website to remove any language about climate change. Which has prompted some Green Bay Packers fans to say “Hey, I thought we were supposed to be the cheese heads.”

A Civil War site in Virginia is about to become the nation’s largest protected battlefield. Other than when Donald Trump eventually commemorates his election victory by giving the same designation to Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.

An American has died in a fall while climbing the Matterhorn in the Swiss Alps. Which is a lot faster than how most Americans die on the Matterhorn, after standing in the heat for four hours without having $15 to buy a bottled water at Disneyland.

The U.S. has imposed sanctions against Russia, including the expulsion of some suspected spies for interfering in the November elections. That was anticlimactic. Remember the good old days of the Cold War when an incident like that would have put us on the brink of nuclear war?

The U.S. has imposed sanctions against Russia, including the expulsion of some suspected spies for interfering in the November elections. Since when do we need a political incident to give us a reason to kick spies out of our country?

The inventor of the red Solo Cup, Robert Hulseman has died at age 84. Fittingly, a stack of the cups will be put right next to the keg in the back of the hearse for the tailgating party before the funeral.

KFC is bringing gaming to Instagram with the “Kentucky Fried Football Challenge.” The real challenge is to play the game and be able to still see the action through all the chicken grease on the cellphone screen.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey is asking users how to improve the company in 2017. Which most people overwhelmingly are suggesting a way to stop the start of World War III by editing all of Donald Trump’s tweets before he is able to send them out.

A study says that people who are satisfied with their sex lives say they believe it takes hard work and effort. The study apparently didn’t get the opinions of the people involved who are men.

A study says that people who are satisfied with their sex lives say they believe it takes hard work and effort. Especially for the men who say it takes a lot of effort to have a fulfilling sex life and not be caught by their wife.

Honda has recalled more than 600,000 minivans for a defective rear seat. Which after looking at most Americans can only be assumed the seats were not big enough.

Some parents are claiming the Hatchimal toys they bought for their children swear in their sleep. That was after others complained the toys didn’t “hatch” from their original egg packaging. It turns out it was a combination of both with the Hatchimals screaming “Get me out of this &$!**? egg!”

Some parents are claiming the Hatchimal toys they bought for their children swear in their sleep. It turns out the toys were just yelling for the child in their bed to “Turn off the &%!**? cellphone!”

Kentucky wire manufacturer General Cable has been fined $75 Million over charges of bribery and other violations. It was the biggest case of fraud against a company with “cable” in their name that didn’t involve Time Warner, Comcast or Charter.

A Seattle man is being charged with running a fake talent agency that tricked women into posing nude and having sex with him. That kind of behavior is only legal when it is done by real talent agencies.

A survey says many men don’t know the risk factors that lead to infertility. Mostly because if they did, they would be doing all those things a lot more often.

A study says voice command programs Alexa and Siri could one day be used for health and emotional support. Mostly by telling the people using their services to put down the iPhone, roll off the couch and get a life.

A study says web-based therapy is effective in treating people with insomnia. Especially when they are bored to tears and fall right asleep after spending two minutes reading Kim Kardashian’s posts on Twitter.

A Welsh woman gave birth to four children in 11 months. To which the Octomom is saying “Amateur!”

A report says diabetes is the reason for the most healthcare spending in the U.S. Which could be recovered if the government would just nationalize all the profits from the companies causing it by making everything out of fat, sugar and salt.

Serena Williams is engaged to the founder of Redit, with the announcement sent out on Redit. The bad news for Redit is the announcement sent the Internet all a-twitter.

Serena Williams is engaged to the founder of Redit, announcing it on Redit. It’s a good thing she isn’t marrying the person who started Twitter or the news would have been ignored because of the latest Twitter storm of rants by Donald Trump.

Victoria Beckham is reportedly on the Queen’s short list to be given the OBE. She is being considered for her work with fashion, charities and especially for not taking part in the latest reunion of the Spice Girls.

Ryan Gosling is reportedly set to star in a movie based on the life of astronaut Neil Armstrong. Although for most women, the only moon shot they want to see is the one of Gosling’s backside.

Former NBA coach George Karl says he is surprised by the reaction from some players over his book “Furious George.” He had no idea that any NBA players actually ever read a book.

Microsoft has taken out patents for technology to keep tabs on everyday objects like car keys, wallets and mobile devices. The car keys and wallets may pose a problem but the mobile devices should be easy. Just tell people to look in front of their face.

Microsoft has taken out patents for technology to keep tabs on everyday objects like car keys, wallets and mobile devices. Although most people wouldn’t be losing their car keys and wallets if they didn’t spend all day staring at their mobile devices.

Microsoft has taken out patents for technology to keep tabs on everyday objects like car keys, wallets and mobile devices. Which means all the smart people in Silicon Valley are busy devising ways to allow the rest of us to become even dumber.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says the product needs to have an edit button. It would allow people to correct spelling, use proper grammar and most importantly allow Donald Trump’s staff to prevent the start of World War III.

Researchers say hackers can easily modify other people’s flight reservations. Which falls under the category of terrorism when they change their booking from any other airline over to United.

A company in Georgia wants to use body cameras to allow jurors to experience crime scenes for themselves. Although that isn’t necessary for cases involving hostage situations as they have already been through that during the selection process for jury duty.

A new app allows people to pay off their friends with installments. Which isn’t really necessary since most friendships end the minute one loans any money to the other.

Matt Drudge is hinting the U.S. government may be behind an attack on his website. Which sounds hard to believe. If the Obama Administration were going to hack into any Internet activity it would be spending every waking hour trying to disable Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Kellyanne Conway says President Obama’s sanctions against Russia are “harsh” and “largely symbolic.” Which caused confusion as at first everyone thought she was talking about Donald Trump’s Cabinet appointments.

A restaurant in Washington, D.C. says it will not add Donald Trump to its mural of past presidents from Dwight Eisenhower through Barack Obama because “it’s not in the budget.” Mostly because it would take a crew of full time paint technicians years just to figure out what to mix together to get the actual color of Trump’s hair.

Bristol Palin bashed the “mega celebrities” who won’t perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration ceremonies. Apparently their feeling is if he wants celebrities to perform, he should start with the people he feels meet the qualifications who are contestants on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

The grandson of Robert Kennedy was arrested for his part in a bar fight in Aspen, Colorado. It’s just good to see the Kennedy legacy has managed to live on and was not also buried at the funeral for Ted.

A Virginia lawmaker has proposed a bill that would declare pornography a public health hazard. Which everyone already knows to be true, especially when your wife catches you looking at it.

Sarah Palin is calling on Donald Trump to leave the U.N. The strange part was when she followed it by demanding the impeachment of Earl Warren.

Sarah Palin is calling on Donald Trump to leave the U.N. Which is considered a moderate view compared to his other advisers who say he should save a lot of trouble and just bomb the building.

Sarah Palin is calling on Donald Trump to leave the U.N. The idea has his interest. It would be a lot easier just building a wall around the U.N.Plaza than trying to put that one up along the entire Mexican border.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! My last jokes for 2016. I will be taking off Monday for the holiday so the jokes for 2017 will start on Tuesday. I can hardly wait to see what the New Year brings. The best thing about the start of 2017 will be the ending of 2016. Not a good year for a lot of people. Especially those who liked celebrities and democracy. I want to thank you for another great year and for continuing to read the jokes. By my calculations, I cranked out somewhere in the vicinity of 13,000 jokes this year. That means somewhere between 16 and 25 were actually funny. I think I could maybe even double that total next year with up to 50 funny jokes. I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep, so we’ll just call that a resolution. Wishing you all a Happy New Year, and hoping you all continue to remember through all of 2017 to always keep on sending the love!


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